Hi!!! I know I'm supposed to update my "First Blood" fic right now, demo.
RL ( the beloved Real Life) had to just come along and knock me on the head
a few times!!! Aside from the countless tests, projects, homeworks, and
whatnots all the teachers just seemed to be *scheming* to rid us of our
social life, my computer had to conk out on me. So as an added assurance
that my files won't just disappear into thin air once more, I decided to
post this already. I think I've had this for over a year, but, I didn't
exactly think it was worthy enough to post but. ah. circumstances change.
Hope you like this anyway.
I swear I'm going to update as soon as I can (so FalconIce and Shinigami_Wings PLEASE DON'T KILL ME YET!!!)
The Real Reason
I know you might have been wondering why I have kept my hair long over all these years. Sure, I have bothered you enough for you to know that my braid is my only source of joy and pride. Heck, you even had to resort to threatening to cut off my braid, just to keep me still. though that works only for a minute, five tops. So I know that you really believed those words that I have said to you. But still, behind those annoyed glances you cast my way and my incredibly long brown hair, I know that somehow, you sensed that I haven't really shared everything with you.
But still.
Just like the Perfect Soldier you were brought up to be. trained and molded to be over the years long forgotten, you never asked me about it. Heck, even your code of ethics frowns on being too blunt towards others. Especially when you yourself know that nothing good can come out of it. just pain and sadness experienced all over again. Just a burden with nothing substantial achieved in the end. That is, with the exception that you would then share those same old burdens with me. And frankly, I don't think you can handle another sad story to add to the long list on your still-young and innocent mind.
Heh. I am beginning to speak like some old and wearied soul. Afterall, we are of the same age. but then again, maybe I am. Maybe, all these problems that have been placed so precariously on our shoulders have indeed aged us more than we even thought. more than we expected. and certainly more than we hoped for. But of course, war does that on everyone. It is useless except for the victor, and only then if that victor is someone so heartless and cruel to even feel the pain of its still bleeding nation. For everyone else, it is an experience that would never be forgotten, no matter how hard they wish that they could. And even after all these, only the toughest and the most stubborn to just sit back and let circumstances take over their lives can truly begin to live new lives. All those who were weak enough were either devoured by their emotions, enough to just kill themselves, or they will never be the same again. Just the empty shell of the person they used to be.
But don't worry. I'm too stubborn to die without a fight. And besides, I have lived all my life with wars and petty fights going on left and right of me. So what change is there to our present situation? I haven't survived in the streets with just Luck on my side. Then again, yeah, at times I do need her. But no one can always count on her in order to live in this harsh world. She is such a fickle-minded woman.
I have lived through sheer will and determination. And add it up to the special skills and talents that have always made me special, unique, and depended upon by millions of people. I know. those same talents landed me into this cursed position as a Gundam pilot, but in the end, I believe that that was also a blessing in disguise. For both the Earth and the Colonies. I mean, who better to pilot the source of all mass destruction than someone who has already experienced death on countless occasions? We are the only ones with enough talent yet compassion to know the importance of our missions. That is why we remain so dedicated to them, even if it meant killing hundreds of thousands of innocents. And who better candidates but us, children of war too? Afterall, we make sure that innocent blood can be at least avoided, or if not, minimized. And if it is indeed necessary, we make sure that their death is instant and painless. Who better but us to suffer for their deaths?
. waitaminute . Heh! Here I go again, babbling incoherently. I know how much you hated that constant noise. Even I am annoyed with myself when things get too much. weird! For instance, talking to myself while the air supply around me is being slowly deprived from my system. Hmph! Even I know how stupid that was! Was that the trait of mine that drew you in so much to make you want to break from that Perfect Soldier façade of yours? Maybe so. But I know that it is the same trait of mine that makes you want to hit me on the head. Hard. Or just simply punch me in the guts. Anything, just to have some peace and quiet.
But still, that is beyond the point!
By the way, what is my point??? Oh yeah! I remember.
Though you wanted so badly to ask me about my hair and my deeply hidden past, you never did. Maybe, never will. Even if that means inflicting upon yourself pain. pain at not knowing my true self. pain that comes with the knowledge that I would never really open everything to you until I myself am ready for it. pain in loving everything about me, and still, at the same time not knowing who I truly am. and yes, ironic enough, pain for me. for my inability to not share my pains with you.
You loved me so much that you were willing to hurt even worse than before, just for me. Well, even though that is really a stupid concept and a sign of weakness (one that must have bothered you an awfully LOT before you even dared to recognize it), I can't really say that I hate it. In fact, I envy you very much for doing so.
You, as the Colony's Perfect Soldier, had been trained out of your emotions, that most people would find you the cold-blooded criminal that you assert yourself to be. But I know that that is really not the case. You just never really had the chance to express yourself freely. Because most of the time, any show of emotion would leave everything defenseless, then the mission and countless lives would have just gone to waste. But this is not the case during nights alone. I can see right through you and your confusion. Actually, I think that you know it too. But still, you let that mask of yours drop whenever we're alone. You have given me that trust, and I know that I will cherish it for the rest of my life.
In fact, I think that you are more human than I could ever be. While you encounter emotions that have been deprived out of you for so long, you were never really afraid of trying it out. You never were afraid of hurt afterall. Just the failure that you might be faced if you failed to gain some semblance of humanity. But I. I was different. I had been exposed to all these emotions right from the very start. Anger, hurt, betrayal, revenge. Those things hurt me pretty bad. So bad that it took me quite a while to accept love from others and give them freely in return. It was quite a feat, honestly, but as you very well know, things never turn out the way you wanted it to. I finally learned to be human at that orphanage. Father Maxwell and Sister Helen never gave up on me until I finally relented to their ways. Now that I think about it, those two were even more stubborn that I can ever be. But they died just the same. The Maxwell Church was even burned to the ground. Nothing was ever left behind except for their few scattered memories in my mind alone. No one remembered them. No one cared.
Well, I thought that I was through with this whole love-thing. Afterall, it was just a sick joke. It just takes away those you have grown to love, leaving you more hurt than you even imagined you could be. But once again, just like you have showed me nearly everything, you proved how wrong I was. I fell in love with you, though those words never even escaped my mouth. Of course, typical of you, you understood my situation, and didn't expect anything more than I can give you.
How do you even do those things? In the end of it all, you felt and cared more than I could ever do so. You have said those damn words that I couldn't even form in my mouth more times now that you have said your customary words: "omae o korosu". Whether be it in field and bright daylight, or in our room in our dark solitude, you never were ashamed of others knowing about your feelings. Not anymore.
Well, I think it's time to return the favor. I'm ready now. Besides, I don't want to lose you all over again. I love you too much that it hurts to even think of such a possibility. Hn. Told you I am not used to these sorta things. But it is fine with me. What I said was the truth anyway.
I run and I hide. but I never lie.
I love you, Heero. God, I love you so much.
And as for my hair. well, I guess you deserve the truth about it too. I didn't just keep it with me to honor the memories of my dead comrades, of Father Maxwell, Sister Helen and Solo. nor just to remember those kids I have killed over the years. No, it wasn't just that. Neither was it the fact that I think I look good in it, and that looking like a girl can have millions of advantages, especially when stealing things. Secrecy and stuff like that.
Ha! When I get right down to the real reason why I kept it long in the first place, it was actually very. hmmm. how to say it? Very simple and stupid at the same time. But that was enough to keep me going for a long time. until I found new reasons to keep my hair long.
My mother. She abandoned me at an early age. I don't even remember what she looks like. All that I can remember is her lovely brown locks. I used to tug on her long hair, you know. Just to let her know that I was there by her side all the time. Well, unfortunately, it couldn't keep being like that for very long. She left me behind and that was it. But I kept my hair, nonetheless. As a reminder of her. We nearly have the same hair, you know.
Besides.
If. no, when. When we meet again, I want her to recognize me immediately. I want her to know that I am still there for her, always being at her side, though not literally speaking. but just the same. I want her to know that I still remember her, and that I already forgave her for whatever she had done to me. I love her too, you know.
Told you my reasons are stupid.
But still, I will tell them to you. God knows how much you deserved it.
I look to my side, surprised yet glad at the same time, to see you sleeping contentedly. The moon was once again doing her wonders on you. Do you even know how angelic you look? Heck, with those silver rays touching your every feature, illuminating them to their soft proportions, I could almost imagine you with white, almost silvery wings.
Idly, but gently, I touch your dark brown bangs that traveled to your softly closed eyelids and brush them away. A slight moan escapes from your partly open lips as you turn from your back to your side, facing me. Almost imperceptibly, I see a slight curve in those full lips of yours. Almost. A smile. I sigh and resort to hugging your lithe form close to mine, not wanting to wake you up. You look so peaceful that way.
Tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow.
~ Owari ~
I swear I'm going to update as soon as I can (so FalconIce and Shinigami_Wings PLEASE DON'T KILL ME YET!!!)
The Real Reason
I know you might have been wondering why I have kept my hair long over all these years. Sure, I have bothered you enough for you to know that my braid is my only source of joy and pride. Heck, you even had to resort to threatening to cut off my braid, just to keep me still. though that works only for a minute, five tops. So I know that you really believed those words that I have said to you. But still, behind those annoyed glances you cast my way and my incredibly long brown hair, I know that somehow, you sensed that I haven't really shared everything with you.
But still.
Just like the Perfect Soldier you were brought up to be. trained and molded to be over the years long forgotten, you never asked me about it. Heck, even your code of ethics frowns on being too blunt towards others. Especially when you yourself know that nothing good can come out of it. just pain and sadness experienced all over again. Just a burden with nothing substantial achieved in the end. That is, with the exception that you would then share those same old burdens with me. And frankly, I don't think you can handle another sad story to add to the long list on your still-young and innocent mind.
Heh. I am beginning to speak like some old and wearied soul. Afterall, we are of the same age. but then again, maybe I am. Maybe, all these problems that have been placed so precariously on our shoulders have indeed aged us more than we even thought. more than we expected. and certainly more than we hoped for. But of course, war does that on everyone. It is useless except for the victor, and only then if that victor is someone so heartless and cruel to even feel the pain of its still bleeding nation. For everyone else, it is an experience that would never be forgotten, no matter how hard they wish that they could. And even after all these, only the toughest and the most stubborn to just sit back and let circumstances take over their lives can truly begin to live new lives. All those who were weak enough were either devoured by their emotions, enough to just kill themselves, or they will never be the same again. Just the empty shell of the person they used to be.
But don't worry. I'm too stubborn to die without a fight. And besides, I have lived all my life with wars and petty fights going on left and right of me. So what change is there to our present situation? I haven't survived in the streets with just Luck on my side. Then again, yeah, at times I do need her. But no one can always count on her in order to live in this harsh world. She is such a fickle-minded woman.
I have lived through sheer will and determination. And add it up to the special skills and talents that have always made me special, unique, and depended upon by millions of people. I know. those same talents landed me into this cursed position as a Gundam pilot, but in the end, I believe that that was also a blessing in disguise. For both the Earth and the Colonies. I mean, who better to pilot the source of all mass destruction than someone who has already experienced death on countless occasions? We are the only ones with enough talent yet compassion to know the importance of our missions. That is why we remain so dedicated to them, even if it meant killing hundreds of thousands of innocents. And who better candidates but us, children of war too? Afterall, we make sure that innocent blood can be at least avoided, or if not, minimized. And if it is indeed necessary, we make sure that their death is instant and painless. Who better but us to suffer for their deaths?
. waitaminute . Heh! Here I go again, babbling incoherently. I know how much you hated that constant noise. Even I am annoyed with myself when things get too much. weird! For instance, talking to myself while the air supply around me is being slowly deprived from my system. Hmph! Even I know how stupid that was! Was that the trait of mine that drew you in so much to make you want to break from that Perfect Soldier façade of yours? Maybe so. But I know that it is the same trait of mine that makes you want to hit me on the head. Hard. Or just simply punch me in the guts. Anything, just to have some peace and quiet.
But still, that is beyond the point!
By the way, what is my point??? Oh yeah! I remember.
Though you wanted so badly to ask me about my hair and my deeply hidden past, you never did. Maybe, never will. Even if that means inflicting upon yourself pain. pain at not knowing my true self. pain that comes with the knowledge that I would never really open everything to you until I myself am ready for it. pain in loving everything about me, and still, at the same time not knowing who I truly am. and yes, ironic enough, pain for me. for my inability to not share my pains with you.
You loved me so much that you were willing to hurt even worse than before, just for me. Well, even though that is really a stupid concept and a sign of weakness (one that must have bothered you an awfully LOT before you even dared to recognize it), I can't really say that I hate it. In fact, I envy you very much for doing so.
You, as the Colony's Perfect Soldier, had been trained out of your emotions, that most people would find you the cold-blooded criminal that you assert yourself to be. But I know that that is really not the case. You just never really had the chance to express yourself freely. Because most of the time, any show of emotion would leave everything defenseless, then the mission and countless lives would have just gone to waste. But this is not the case during nights alone. I can see right through you and your confusion. Actually, I think that you know it too. But still, you let that mask of yours drop whenever we're alone. You have given me that trust, and I know that I will cherish it for the rest of my life.
In fact, I think that you are more human than I could ever be. While you encounter emotions that have been deprived out of you for so long, you were never really afraid of trying it out. You never were afraid of hurt afterall. Just the failure that you might be faced if you failed to gain some semblance of humanity. But I. I was different. I had been exposed to all these emotions right from the very start. Anger, hurt, betrayal, revenge. Those things hurt me pretty bad. So bad that it took me quite a while to accept love from others and give them freely in return. It was quite a feat, honestly, but as you very well know, things never turn out the way you wanted it to. I finally learned to be human at that orphanage. Father Maxwell and Sister Helen never gave up on me until I finally relented to their ways. Now that I think about it, those two were even more stubborn that I can ever be. But they died just the same. The Maxwell Church was even burned to the ground. Nothing was ever left behind except for their few scattered memories in my mind alone. No one remembered them. No one cared.
Well, I thought that I was through with this whole love-thing. Afterall, it was just a sick joke. It just takes away those you have grown to love, leaving you more hurt than you even imagined you could be. But once again, just like you have showed me nearly everything, you proved how wrong I was. I fell in love with you, though those words never even escaped my mouth. Of course, typical of you, you understood my situation, and didn't expect anything more than I can give you.
How do you even do those things? In the end of it all, you felt and cared more than I could ever do so. You have said those damn words that I couldn't even form in my mouth more times now that you have said your customary words: "omae o korosu". Whether be it in field and bright daylight, or in our room in our dark solitude, you never were ashamed of others knowing about your feelings. Not anymore.
Well, I think it's time to return the favor. I'm ready now. Besides, I don't want to lose you all over again. I love you too much that it hurts to even think of such a possibility. Hn. Told you I am not used to these sorta things. But it is fine with me. What I said was the truth anyway.
I run and I hide. but I never lie.
I love you, Heero. God, I love you so much.
And as for my hair. well, I guess you deserve the truth about it too. I didn't just keep it with me to honor the memories of my dead comrades, of Father Maxwell, Sister Helen and Solo. nor just to remember those kids I have killed over the years. No, it wasn't just that. Neither was it the fact that I think I look good in it, and that looking like a girl can have millions of advantages, especially when stealing things. Secrecy and stuff like that.
Ha! When I get right down to the real reason why I kept it long in the first place, it was actually very. hmmm. how to say it? Very simple and stupid at the same time. But that was enough to keep me going for a long time. until I found new reasons to keep my hair long.
My mother. She abandoned me at an early age. I don't even remember what she looks like. All that I can remember is her lovely brown locks. I used to tug on her long hair, you know. Just to let her know that I was there by her side all the time. Well, unfortunately, it couldn't keep being like that for very long. She left me behind and that was it. But I kept my hair, nonetheless. As a reminder of her. We nearly have the same hair, you know.
Besides.
If. no, when. When we meet again, I want her to recognize me immediately. I want her to know that I am still there for her, always being at her side, though not literally speaking. but just the same. I want her to know that I still remember her, and that I already forgave her for whatever she had done to me. I love her too, you know.
Told you my reasons are stupid.
But still, I will tell them to you. God knows how much you deserved it.
I look to my side, surprised yet glad at the same time, to see you sleeping contentedly. The moon was once again doing her wonders on you. Do you even know how angelic you look? Heck, with those silver rays touching your every feature, illuminating them to their soft proportions, I could almost imagine you with white, almost silvery wings.
Idly, but gently, I touch your dark brown bangs that traveled to your softly closed eyelids and brush them away. A slight moan escapes from your partly open lips as you turn from your back to your side, facing me. Almost imperceptibly, I see a slight curve in those full lips of yours. Almost. A smile. I sigh and resort to hugging your lithe form close to mine, not wanting to wake you up. You look so peaceful that way.
Tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow.
~ Owari ~