The tetrahedral detectation
OR
Sheldon Holmes, Dr. Wolowitz and the mysterious case of the stolen heart
Being a reprint from the reminiscences of
Howard Joel Wolowitz, Master of Engineering,
late of the International Space Station
translated from Klingon by urban countrygirl
Dear Diary,
You haven't heard from me for quite a while, have you? You see, since Bernie has tamed the wild stallion that I have been for more than 20 years (since the first morning, when I woke up with something wet in my pants, the last vague memories of an exquisite dream just fading away), there wasn't much to tell you. Of course, before, you've kept quite a lot of juicy secrets for me, haven't you? You remember my first time with my cousin Jeannie (second cousin!) at the backseat of my uncles car? Or the sailor moon girl, that Raj and I spent a night with? Ah, the memories!
I have to tell you, writing in Klingon has been the best idea ever! I don't want to imagine what Bernie would say if she could read my memories about mouth-to-mouth-Mona…
Anyway, today happened something that I just need to tell somebody. Here's the story (nothing naughty, exceptionally):
Today was Halloween party at the comic book store and we were supposed to dress as famous couples (yeah, I know, this sounds quite familiar, but what can I say, we all are creatures of habit in the end).
But I didn't go with Bernie this time, no! Why? Because Bernie had recently discovered a french series of comic books called Asterix (sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?) and since she is obsessed with it ("Because it's about European history, Howie, that's much more interesting than some weird super hero stuff, blablabla") and she wanted to get dressed as that little, inquisitive Gaul who is the main character of it. And since that Asterix doesn't have a girlfriend and his best friend Obelix is a fat giant with ginger braids, that doesn't look like me at all, I mean, take a look at my lean and well-shaped body, lady, she said I could be Troubadix or Assurancetourix, as he's called in French, that would be very much like me. I did some research and: Hells no, as a gangster would say. The lead singer of footprints on the moon has some pride left.
"Then I will ask Bert" Bernie snapped, "he will be the perfect Obelix!". And guess what: Bert is a huge fan of Asterix, too! Especially because of the huge stones that Obelix likes to carry around!
I asked Raj to be his partner and he was thrilled: "We can go as Dorian Gray and the picture of Dorian Gray. But I'll be the pretty one."
Seriously? I said: "Forget it, Raj. Ask Stuart to be the picture of Dorian Gray. I'm sure it will fit his depressive state of mind." I know, that was pretty mean, but come on, I'm a Joker! That's what everybody loves about me.
In the end it was Sheldon (Sheldon, of all!) who rescued me. He had discovered the amazing similarity between the names Sheldon and Sherlock (wow, really?!). Furthermore, Sherlock Holmes' real profession is a chemist, which is not so far away from a physicist. And of course, they both are geniuses. At least that's what Sheldon says. I would give my unrestricted consent to that matter only in case of the detective.
Anyway, Sheldon wanted to be Sherlock and he offered me the position as Dr. Watson.
Do you know how irresistible I look with a mustache? Furthermore, this would maybe be the only possibility for me ever to be called "Dr.". So, I agreed. A subsequent decision.
When Sheldon and I arrived at the comic book store, Bernie and Bert were already standing near the seating corner. "Uuuuh, Howie, my sexy doctor, we're here!", Bernie called, as soon as we entered the door. "Roar, I like your mustache", she purred, when we had arrived at them and twirled it around her finger. "Oh, I like your mustache, too!" I said and kissed her. Honestly, she really didn't look bad as Asterix…
"Do you also like my mustache?" Bert now chimed in. What was wrong with him? "Not in the way I like my wife's mustache, Bert. And neither your braids, just in case you wanted to ask about them, too."
"But what about my stone? I have done it from papier mache."
"Yes, that's really nice."
"You know, the Bretagne, where Asterix and Obelix little village is supposed to be located, is part of the Amorican mountains and the rocks there are really old. Mainly it's granite, gneiss and mica slide. But the prevailing kind of rock depends of the exact place and since we don't know exactly where the village is located, although it must be near the coast, that's for sure, I had to assume that Obelix stone – "
What the hell? "Bert, I'm sorry, but your paper mache stone is really not that interesting for me."
"For me neither, Geology is not a real science", Sheldon know chimed in.
"May I beat them up?" Bert looked at Bernie, as if he was asking her for permission.
"A little bit!"
He punched me and Sheldon in the stomach. "Ouch! That hurt! Was that your revenge for the day when I punched you?" Sheldon looked at him angry.
"Bert, how much of the "magic potion" did you drink already?" I asked him, rubbing my hurting stomach.
"Nothing of course, because when I was a child, I once fell inside and since then I have to stay away from it."
Suddenly some music set in. I looked at the counter and saw Stuart and Raj fumbling around with a pair of headsets and a laptop.
"ROCK'N ROLL" Bert suddenly screamed and threw his stone across the room like a bowling ball. Then he went to fetch it.
I'm sure he had had some of the magic potion. It would be very disturbing if he hadn't.
Raj (was he really wearing artificial eyelashes? I'm still not sure, but he looked kinda cute) was approaching us. "Hi guys, awesome costumes, everyone." He nodded to all of us in appreciation. "Sheldon, you know that Sherlock Holmes was addictive to opium, don't you? What's in your pipe? I know your tendency to perfection!"
Sheldon just twitched his eyes nervously.
"I'm just kidding, dude. I know your only addiction is science. And your girlfriends ass, he?" He pushed his elbow in Sheldon's site slightly. "OH EM GEE! There's Duffman. See you later!" And then he approached "Duffman" in a dancing manner, growling "Oh yeah…" in his deepest voice. And that guy is my best friend…
I shielded my eyes, sighed and turned to Sheldon. "Come on, let's say Hi to Stuart."
We went to the counter, where Stuart still was fumbling around with his laptop.
"Hi Stuart! Great Party!"
"Thanks…"
"So, what's up?"
"The same as every day, I guess? Except that everyone looks great in their costumes and I even look uglier than normally."
"Oh, come on, what you're talking about? Even uglier than normally? What's that supposed to mean?"
"Isn't that obvious, Howard? Look at him. He's the picture of Dorian Gray. That's definitely uglier than his normal look." Sheldon was looking at me as if I was having a series intelligence-problem.
"Why do you say Stuart's normal look is ugly? Are you insane?"
"I didn't say that. I said today he's uglier than normal. I also could have said in normal life he looks much better than now. It means the same."
"Yeah, I'll take that! Thank you, Sheldon!"
„Anyway, cool costume idea, Stuart", I said, "Although I have to say, Gray's anatomy has seen better times!" Come on, that joke was genius, wasn't it? But Stuart just looked at me annoyed.
"What's wrong with you, man?" I asked him now.
"You know, to be honest, I would enjoy this party much more if I wasn't alone…"
"But Raj is here with you. He's just currently…" I looked if I could see Raj. Then I saw him… "He's just currently testing Duffman's sixpack. Both kinds of sixpack."
Stuart and Sheldon both looked irritated at Raj, then Stuart sighed. "That's not what I meant."
I patted his hand. "I know, I know. Say, is there some special lady you're interested in?"
"No, no, there's no lady…" But something in his voice told me that he didn't say the truth.
"Heads up, Stuart! One day you will find your significant other!"
"Mmmh.." He forced a smile at us.
"You know", I whispered to Sheldon when we were leaving. "I think Stuart is unhappily in love with somebody. And as his friends, we should help him!"
"And what do you expect us to do? We cannot make him "un-fall" in love!"
"No, but we're Sheldon Holmes and Dr. Watson. Some girl has stolen Stuart's heart. We will find the thief and give this story a happy ending!"
"Oh, that sounds great! Not the hippie-dippie-stuff necessarily, but the detective part! Where shall we start with our investigation?" Sheldon's eyes were shining like Halley's when she's given her bottle of milk.
"First of all, we should talk to Bernie. Maybe she knows something!"
As we had made it to the seating corner again, we heard Bernadette squeak with her highest voice, accompanied by a deep thunderous laughter coming from Bert: "They're crazy, the Romans!" Then they both bent over with laughter, hitting their thighs like crazy. Man, I started to become a little bit jealous…
"Hey Bernie, what makes the Romans so crazy? And what is so funny about it?"
"Oh, forget it. Insider. What's new with Stuart?"
„Well, honestly, he seems a little depressed."
"Where's that news?"
"Why are you so mean? We are his best friends, we should care for him."
"Fine. Why is he depressed today?"
"We think… I think, he is unhappily in love."
"Who is the lucky girl?"
"He wouldn't say."
„Actually, he said there is no lady", Sheldon interfered.
"But we're sure that it was a lie."
"Howard is sure. I'm not. But recognizing lying people is even more complicated for me than reading their emotions or recognizing sarcasm."
"What makes you a great detective!"
"Thank you!" He smiled at me genuinely. Yeah, long way to go, Sheldon!
"And what now?" Bert asked.
"Well, the plan is, that Dr. Watson and Sheldon Holmes will use their special skills to find out more about that "non-existing" woman. Maybe somebody here in the comic book store knows something…" Sheldon explained.
While he was speaking, I took a glance at our "client" and I saw something very interesting. Stuart stared at somebody at the other end of the room. I couldn't see who it was because of the crowd of people in front. But in his eyes there was something tender, some sort of sadness or nostalgia, I don't know. And then, the scales fell from my eyes. He must have been looking at HER, at the special lady!
"Sheldon, Sheldon, she's here. Stuart's girl is here in the comic book store."
"Really? How do you know that?"
"I saw his eyes. It must have been her."
"Ok, for that you are the expert. But it can't be that hard then to find her. How many women ever come to a party at the comic book store. Let's go there and see if we find a lady."
"Wait, we must be careful. I don't know what happens if Stuart sees that we're talking to her."
Suddenly Raj came staggering through the crowd, heading our group.
"Hey guys, I can tell you, Duffman is GREAT. And his beer, too!"
"Good for you, Raj. Have you seen a woman at the other end of the room?" Sheldon asked him, ignoring his obviously drunken state.
„Why are you asking that? You already have Amy? Where is she, by the way?"
"She will come a little later with Penny and Leonard. They still had to find a three person costume theme."
"Ok. Ok. What was your first question, again?"
"Have you seen a woman over there?"
"Hm, no. But honestly, Duffman is so cool that I didn't look for girls that much. But now he has to go. He has to bring beer to Moe's, he said."
Then Raj became whiny. „Why does everybody leave me? Why am I always alone?"
He was a the brim of tears, so I did what a good friend does in such a situation, laid my arms around him and patted his back. In that moment a group of people walked away from the place where it had been standing and we had a free sight on the counter again. Stuart was standing there and staring at me with a weird expression in his faces. Did somebody tell him that we were doing a "romantic-criminalistic research"? I wasn't sure what to think about it.
Then the door was ripped open and Penny walked in. All eyes went on her. And now I'm really glad that I write this in Klingon because: WOW! She looked amazing, and honestly much hotter then Bernie with her wing-helmet and the mustache. Damn, Leonard, you lucky bastard…
Penny was wearing a tight dress with a lot of triangular holes in it (Raj said those were called "cut-outs", whatever). Honestly, it looked more like a net than anything else and I could see a lot of her black underwear. Oh my goodness, if I wasn't married happily, I don't know what I had done with her. If she had let me, of course.
Then Amy and Leonard appeared. Leonard was wearing a Sheldon-style t-shirt which showed a sinus and cosine curve. The rest of him looked pretty normal. Amy was wearing a similar shirt as Leonard, which had the inscription: "Three, four, five and the angle is right." Furthermore she was wearing her usual denim skirt and a colorful eighties legging with triangles on it. And the same equilateral triangle earrings as Penny, what I noticed only then, because I hadn't looked much into Penny's face before (yeah, shame on me!).
"Ok, in which universe is this a matching costume for a group of three people?" Sheldon asked with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, we're a love triangle!" Penny explained. "The problem is only, that these two geniuses apparently don't know what a triangle is! I mean, come on, what are these shirts supposed to mean?"
"Penny, I'm completely at your site, you have definitively chosen the best costume. I would even say it's the best costume on the whole party. Ouch!" Why did Bert punch me again? I guess Bernie had a bad influence on him.
"Would you excuse me for a moment? I guess even the beer wants to leave me now!" said Raj and went to the bathroom.
"Well, I love both your shirts!" Sheldon said now. "If you don't mind, I would like to have them after the party. Amy, did you invent the rhyme on your shirt on your own? Never heard that! But it's a great tribute to the ancient Greeks!"
Amy nodded proudly and Sheldon shot a glance to her, that I could only interpret as the "I'd like to take you here and now"-look. Wow, never thought I ever would see that look on Sheldon. Also I'd never thought I'd ever see it on anyone in connection with the theorem of Pythagoras.
"So, what did we miss?" Leonard asked now.
"Howie and Sheldon are playing detective!" Bernie blurted out excitedly. "They think that Stuart has a secret love interest and they want to find out who it is."
"Oh, that sounds like fun! What clues did you get so far?" Penny asked.
"She's here in the comic book store", I said. "That's basically all we know yet."
"Alright… Hey, Bert, did you make that stone on your own? And second question: why are you wearing that stone?"
"No! No, Please don't ask!" Sheldon and me shouted in chorus.
There was a short, uncomfortable silence, then Amy tried to save the situation. "So, how does it come that Sheldon and Howard are a couple tonight?"
"You see, Amy" I started to explain. "Bernie wanted me to go as Obelix (which is the fat giant that Bert is playing now), Raj wanted me to be the picture of Dorian Gray and Sheldon offered me the role of Dr. Watson. Do I have to say more to my defense?"
"Sorry, but what's the picture of Dorian Gray?" Penny asked now.
"What Stuart is portraying", Leonard explained to her.
"Oh, I see…" Penny was pouting and blinking her eyes. „I would say… excellent choice, Howard, I love especially your mustache!"
"Howard, don't get me wrong, but I think it's a good thing that tonight you're doing something with Sheldon instead of Raj." Leonard said.
"Why? He's my best friend?" I was a little confused.
"Because you and Bernie and Raj, and also Stuart, you have some sort of weird triangle! Trust me, I'm an expert on this!" Penny blurted out.
"No, no, that's not true…" I laughed a bit too hysterical, I think. Man, how often had I heard this accusation. But it wasn't true, was it?
"It is!" Amy now interfered. „I would even say you have a tetrahedral!"
"A what?" Even with that stupid face she made now, Penny still looked gorgeous.
"A tetrahedral is the only convex polyhedron with four faces." You already know who said that, right?
"Sure, Sherlock!"
"Give me your earrings, then I will show you!" Amy suggested, while she was already taking off her own ones.
"Ok…" Penny took off the earrings and handed them to Amy, who put them all four together in a geometric shape.
"Ah… I see!"
„The Swedish once developed a packaging for milk with the same shape. They called it Tetra Pak", Bert tried to contribute something to the debate, but nobody listened to him.
"Alright, but how does that… thing… represent the relationship between Bernadette, Howard, Raj and Stuart?" Penny asked.
"You see, every corner represents a person. And every person has a special relationship to all the other persons, they all are connected by the edges. Let's imagine, this side of the tetrahedral represents Bernie, Howard and Raj. Bernie and Howard are married, but Raj is Howards best friend and therefore he sometimes spends more time with him than with Bernie, what makes her jealous. On the other hand, Raj is sometimes more helpful with the baby than Howard is." Amy shot an apologetic glance at me. Yeah, I know, shame on me again… "Then there's the side of Bernie, Raj and Stuart. Stuart is a helpful friend for Bernie, too, what makes him being in a competition with Raj, although Raj is a close friend to him. Then there's the triangle of Bernie, Howard and Stuart. Also Stuart is sometimes more helpful with the baby than Howard, but there's also still the conflict between Howard and Stuart because of Howard's mom and the fact, that he still lives in Bernie's and Howard's house, creates another conflict between the three of them. Last, but not least, there's the side with Howard, Raj und Stuart. As I already said, there's a strong friendship between Raj and Stuart, but also some kind of competition. And Howard stands between them, because Raj is his best friend, but Stuart lives in his house. All in all, complicated!"
"Wow!" Bernie and me exclaimed simultaneously.
"But I have to make clear, that Howard and me are the only ones with a romantic relationship, which makes it a bit easier!" Bernie appeased.
In that moment, Raj came back from the toilet. "Hey, I'm back. So, what's going on?"
"We were just talking about your weird tetrahedral relationship with Bernadette, Howard and Stuart" Sheldon exclaimed.
"Sorry, what?"
"Nothing important!" Penny interfered. "So, Howard, did you tell Raj about Sheldon's and your mission?"
Raj looked at me curiously. "A mission?"
"Well, yes, Sheldon and me found out that Stuart apparently is in love with an unknown woman and we want to find out who it is. And maybe you could help us with it, being our secret source of information."
"Are you kidding? That son of a bitch never told me anything. Why does he have a girl? He's supposed to be alone!"
"Why do you want him to be alone? Don't you want him to be happy?"
"If I am alone, he shall be alone, too. I don't want to be alone alone."
I raised my eyebrows. "Seriously? I think you're just jealous…"
He twisted his eyes. "Maybe…"
I shot a looking eye on that moron.
"Ok, you're right. I'll talk to him. I guess tonight I should spent some more time with him anyway, in the end he dressed as the picture of Dorian Gray for me!"
"Bye Raj, see you later!"
"I have to admit something", Bert confessed now. "I had a tiny little sip of the magic potion. But now it wants to get out, so I guess I'm leaving, too, for a moment!" Sure, a tiny little sip, Bert
"I feel so sorry for Stuart and Raj. They both are lonely and lost, they don't know what to do with their lives and therefore clinging to us all day!" Bernadette's voice had started sweet but become more and more angry.
Suddenly an odd idea started to shape in my mind. Could it really be? Had I been so blind all the time? "Bernie, have you ever thought that you and me are just some means for the purpose for them? Maybe their competition about who's the better babysitter isn't about to impress you and me, but to impress each other. Maybe they want to prove themselves to the other one, show them how great they are." Maybe they just want to spent time with each other and don't really care about us, I thought to myself.
"What do you mean?" Bernie asked.
I shot a glance at Stuart and Raj. They had laid their arms around each other and were taking selfies. Stuart looked really happy now under his layers of creepy make up.
"You know, I remember some really "weird" situations where those two were involved. There was a time when Raj asked Stuart out. There was a time when Raj said that Stuart would be perfect for him if he was a girl. They have spent a very "lovely" evening in our hot tub…" That the still haven't payed for, assholes.
"Do you think that Raj is interested in Stuart romantically?" Penny asked with big eyes.
"How often have people thought that Raj is gay? What if they were right and Raj just doesn't want to see it?"
"But Raj has had many girlfriends" Sheldon commented.
"And has one of his relations ever been really successful?" I asked into the group.
They all were shaking their heads.
"What if Raj is dating one girl after another, because he just doesn't want to admit to himself, that he's gay?"
"Ok, let's assume Raj is homosexual and interested in Stuart. But what does Stuart think about it?" Amy said.
"I think that he's afraid. Some time ago Raj asked him if they should move in together, but Stuart rejected. It would have been the perfect agreement, they both get along so well. When you see them with Halley, you could think they are a little family."
"What do you mean he is afraid? Of what? You need to be more precise!" Sheldon complained.
"I think he has developed feelings for Raj, too. But as long as Raj is in self-denial and always has new girlfriends, he doesn't know how to deal with it. And that makes him depressive."
"But all that makes no sense, Howard! Stuart is in love with a girl, you said so by yourself!"
"No Sheldon, he is in love, but not with a girl. Don't you remember, he said "No, no, there's no lady"."
"So he said the truth!"
"He did!"
"So we have proceeded from a false premise."
"We have."
"And so we have solved the mystery although we weren't working on it but instead have been idly talking about your love tetrahedral."
"We have."
"Fascinating!"
"And now?" Penny asked. "Shouldn't we talk to them?"
"I don't know, do we have to?"
The party people in the comic book store had become less. We had a perfect view on the counter. And now, that we had stopped our discussion, we could hear Raj talking to Stuart.
"… really disappointed in you. Why didn't you tell me there is a girl that you love? And I'll tell you, too, I'm also jealous. I don't want you to have a girl. I like it when you're alone. Because I like to be with you when you're alone. The only thing that really annoys me is your bad mood!"
"You know what, Raj? There is no girl, and there won't be no girl, never. And you know why? Because I'm in love with somebody for many years, and I think this person loves me, too. But instead of admitting that love for me, this somebody stumbles from one relationship into the next one. And it gets worse and worse. And that makes me depressive!"
"Stuart! Please don't start crying! Stuart, please tell me, who are you in love with?"
"With my best friend" Stuart whispered.
"Howard? Or Bernie?" Raj almost screamed.
"I'm talking about you, douchebag!"
I don't know exactly what happened then, if they hugged or kissed or whatever, because suddenly there was Bert's loud voice thundering from the other end of the room, making us all turn our heads in surprise: "Who wants wild boar roast?" Then he grabbed a big grilled meat leg and bit into it.
When we turned around again, Raj and Stuart were holding hands, both with a huge smile on their faces.
"So I the tetrahedral has been substituted by two parallel lines, now! Well, I guess we will get used to it." Sheldon shrugged his shoulders and went to Bert for eating wild boar roast.
And me? I think I will need some time to sort things out... Damn, I hope I won't miss the tetrahedral!
Yeah, what can I say, I'm also a Raj-and-Stuart-shipper!
This story just had to be written down before I can concentrate on my other stories, again. So, I hope you liked this and I would be very glad if you gave me a little review!
A special "Thank You!" goes to April in Paris who inspired me to write something about "Sheldon Holmes" with a chapter in her wonderful story "The Speed Distance Displacement".