Author's Notes: This is based on Susan Kay's Phantom, and I admit that I do not own it nor do I take credit for her brilliant ideas, to the new life she brought to the story for me. So, please don't sue me; it's not mine I tell you!
It is unnecessary to have read the book to understand this story. I assume however that you have read the original work or have seen a movie or heard the musical. I first fell in love with the story when my father brought back the soundtrack of the Original Broadway Production when I was about 6 or 7. I immediately adored it and have grown to love it more over the years. I found this book by chance while walking through a bookstore about 6 years ago or so and fell in love with the story even more than before. If you have not read the book, I encourage you to try. Perhaps you are a purist and so will balk at any discrepancies or embellishments with that story and/or mine, but I have not read the original work I admit. I should- I could even read it in French.
I wrote this story in early 2002 when I was going through a tough time with the guy that I love. The language is rather simple yet this is what I felt when I put myself in Christine's place. I dedicate this story to him, to my second love, although I doubt he will ever read this. He thought he corrupted me but he opened my eyes in ways that he doesn't know even now. All he can see is his darkness; I can see his inner conflict. Love is not easy- believe me. Sometimes there are no ways to express the depth of love- and that you sometimes have to take on faith. Forgive me the religious words and concepts in the story- I did stretch a bit, but if no one ever stretched a story, fanfiction would be an awfully small genre.
If you haven't read the Susan Kay's novel, read this!
I mention the use of the story of the red rose that Erik told Christine when she stayed with him. Here is a small quote of it for those who haven't read the book:
"Then, tonight, an old minstrel song that made me close my eyes on tears … the story of the white rose who loved a nightingale against the will of Allah. 'Night after night the nightingale came to beg for divine love, but those the rose trembled at the sound of his voice, her petals remained closed to him. …' Flower and bird, two species never meant to mate. Yet at length the rose overcame her fear and from that single, forbidden union was born the red rose that Allah never intended the world to know." Susan Kay, Phantom ( pg 433
Also, unknown or slightly vague names are thus:
Erik: Phantom of the Opera (ok, you probably knew that.)
Madeleine and Charles: Erik's dead parents- father died very soon after Erik was conceived also early in the marriage and mother survived for a while longer- I forget how long exactly.
Sasha: Erik's dog when he was little- she acted like a mother to him when his own mother could barely stand in his presence
Boscerville: the city where Erik was born
Ayesha: Erik's Siamese cat with a diamond collar- both stolen from Persia. She doesn't like Christine very much- or anyone other than Erik.
Daroga/Nadir: The Persian policeman- Erik's friend in a way
Charles: oh if you don't know, you'll find out- if I tell you now, it'll ruin it for you!
The rest I think you can figure out so enjoy and please tell me what you think by reviewing!
Christine- 1881 and on
What do you want of me, Erik? I thought that you treasured me and even dare I say it- loved me as well in spite of everything that has happened? What do you want? What do I want from him? Why do I care what he wants from me? Push that thought away now Christine.
"What do you want? Erik, please … tell me what you want." Agitated as I am, I look up uncertainly and then harden. If he doesn't tell me right now, he will not get anything at all. There's that flicker in his eye- oh I believe he heard that thought; I do think he did. He looks me in the eye and then turns away to stare at the wall as if he is afraid of … something. His silence is unnerving; I just asked him a simple question, but why do I get the feeling there is some other connotation to my question? My thoughts swirl around in my head. What on Earth could it be that he wants? Watching him, I realize that he looks innocent right now- he is chastising himself for some action in the past perhaps? Suddenly, a flash of a picture goes through my mind- I see a child asking for a birthday present from me, no, not me, from his mother. I don't know what he asked for, but I plainly saw her revulsion and her cruel, scared refusal. She killed him then, didn't she? I see the look in his eyes- a look of adoration, and yet sadness. A moment of clear perception brought the realization: he wanted her to love him, to hold him and … to kiss him, but she could not.
Do I want to kiss him? Am I attracted to him, to this murderer, to this man who lives in darkness, hate and evil? Is that really who he is completely? I see him brush his elegant hands across the polished mantle as if he is searching for some hidden button to unleash more horrors. My heart warms as I see the silent grace and music in those hands. My face softens and I smile. This man has been poisoned with hate and loneliness, but I do want to help him. Shaking, I turn away to bring my hand slowly to my mouth. I love Erik with all of my soul, regardless of the fact that he is a murderer and an agent of evil. Love goes beyond these things- I could not have chosen, but he is now part of me and I him. The only choice is to follow my heart.
I find myself drawn to him and I slowly cover my face with the white veil. With cat-like reflexes, he feels my movements and turns towards me. My heart opening and my love searching, I look up at him. All of a sudden I see his innocence come to the surface. The good in him- the man that protects me, loves me and heals me- appears. Does he see it? Does he know what he did to me? He remade me and awakened my dead soul. No, he does not see the good; all he sees is how he has destroyed me to bring me to this point. Surely someone who has lived in evil for so long could never expect goodness from himself. I wasn't even aware then of myself or of the truth. I was afraid of the danger, but love simply is. No matter how we got here, our souls are one.
I begin to quiver from the extreme emotion. Then with a little hesitance, I slip the veil off and I raise my face to his. He wants to turn away, but I can't allow that. Tears continue to stream down my face as my trembling hands reach up to his mask. Carefully, I untie the knot and let the mask, the symbol of our masquerades, fall away to the floor.
Erik, what do you think when you see my tears? Do you see your evil stealing my life? Can't you see? I look at you, a mirror. I can see myself in you. Can you see yourself in me? Look deeply into my eyes as I stare into yours. The eyes are the mirrors of the soul, after all, and I wonder what you see in my tears, in my eyes. I do not want any barriers to muddle the strange purity, yes purity, of our forbidden love. Let me see you- all of yourself- mind, body and soul. You offered it to me before- dare you fly, dare you fall?
My hands fall insistently to his lapels and silently I implore him with my eyes to cross the chasm between us. How far apart are we after all? Don't look down or back, Christine. Look at him; convince him to believe you. Remember, he sees his every action as evil. Be blunt and honest. "Erik, take me…. Teach me," my voice whispered.
His eyes widen and he, unable to believe the gift bestowed upon him and partially unwilling to believe this is a good idea, gently and slowly takes my face in his hands and lifts my bruised and bloody forehead to his lips. Oh the sensuality in his lips- the music and grace within his soul- they swell inside me. Fervently, I throw my arms around him and pull him toward me- closer and closer until there is no distance. Impatiently, I put my hungry lips to his as the emotions rage within me. I realize that we have been crying- I can taste the salt, but the tears are intermingled. With each precious kiss, I wonder whether the tear was one of his or one of mine.
I can feel his soul lighten within my embrace. He always told me that his soul was like moonlight reflected in a black mirror. I can feel the darkness within him back away like a low tide. Let me play upon your shore. The beauty of a simple kiss is unbelievable. It is so sweet and tender that I could crumble right here in his arms. After some length of time, we reluctantly let go and stare into each other's souls. My head feels dizzy and my senses piqued. No love was ever like this. There is only him. There is only our love.
I realize that Raoul and the Persian man are no longer in the torture chamber. Erik must have set them free. Why do I not remember that? I am barely conscious of the actions around me; I am entranced, but amazingly awake. Now, Erik is playing doctor to Raoul about the consequences of being in the chamber and asking him about his finances. Oh Lord, did he just tell Raoul to marry me as soon as possible? I look at him and begin to protest, but Erik hushes me. Imploringly, I look up at him and give my silent appeal. Erik, I want to be with you. I want to stay with you, to marry you and be with you forever! Shaking his head softly and laughing, he deftly takes my hand and brings it smoothly to his lips and lingers. After this sensual moment, we hold each others' hands. With our fingers intertwined, I hold on tightly as more tears travel down my face. My dreams are disappearing from my grasp. Erik walks me towards Raoul and puts my hand in Raoul's hand and then backs away. "Let me give you away here, my dear. I never go to weddings." Then he asks me to come and bring him a handwritten invitation the day before the event. He asks Raoul to bring me and he assents, but I can't hear anything but my own sobs. In the next moment, Erik and the Persian disappear into the other room and close the door. Transfixed, I stare at the door as if it might turn into Erik. Raoul, upset by the ordeal and the outcome, takes me away, puts me in the boat and ferries me across the underground lake. As we make our way to the surface world, I know that I will never feel the same way about the world above the ground- the world that is not like the one that is Erik's and mine.
The weeks pass, but I barely feel the changes. Raoul tries to lift my spirits and he feels so badly that he cannot. He does not understand all that transpired that night. He can never understand even if I tried to explain. Yes, how can I tell him that our love pales in comparison to what Erik and I share? My dreams rest with him, but Erik knows that he is dying and wants me to be taken care of when he passes on. All I want is to be with him! I would gladly spend the rest of the time that he has on Earth with him. Still, I can feel him here; my Angel of Music still lives within me along with the man behind the mask and all the masks he uses.
Still, time passes on dreadfully slowly. I barely sleep and seldom leave the house. One of my favorite activities is to watch the fireplace. Strange as it sounds, I am entranced by the flickering and spitting fire. The fire is like my burning love for Erik. Longing allows me to put my life on hold until the day I can again see my love. I live for the day before my wedding to Raoul and nothing else. I realize that my behavior is obsessive, but my desperation for my dead father has given way to my yearning for Erik, the man who healed my heart and taught me to fly.
Finally, the blessed day comes. I brighten and dutifully write the invitation with such care, love and impatience. Then I wait for Raoul with the key to Erik's house and our wedding invitation held tightly in my hand. The knock comes and I rush like a schoolgirl to the door, my cheeks all flushed. After greeting me with a brief kiss, he remarks how much better I look. I nod and then hold up the invitation. "Yes, today we go back. The wedding is tomorrow."
He frowns at me and responds stubbornly, "You must be crazy. I will not take you back. If you go, there will not be a wedding at all."
Anger stirred in my heart. "But you promised him!"
"I would have promised a murderer like him anything to get you away from him. Surely you cannot expect me to keep a promise like that, Christine." I turn and run away from him. He shakes his head sadly and walks out the door, but I do not bother to watch him leave.
After a few moments of venting my frustration, resolve flowers in my heart. I will go alone. I must see him! Something is going on with him right now. Oh Erik, my love, I am coming. Wait for me! I rush out the door with my wrap about me and then I hail a ride to the Opera. The trip is short and agonizing- I do not want to be separated from him any second longer than necessary. I arrive at the Opera house and I pay the driver in haste and thank him profusely. After he leaves the curb, I run to the hidden door. I turn the lock, light the lantern and get into the boat to take me to the place where I belong. As my eyes adjust to the low light once again, I strain to see the glorious pipe organ and the man I love. Instead, I see the organ in pieces and all the furniture destroyed. I get out of the boat and almost scream in shock.
"Erik! Where are you, Erik?" I call out in frustration.
Out of my room, the Persian man, Nadir is his name I believe, walks. He shuts the door and smiles faintly. "Good afternoon, mademoiselle. I trust you are well. You are as determined as I had thought, mademoiselle. I knew you would return although the boy would refuse to take you. I will not dawdle, Miss Daae. He is not at all well. He did not think you would be able to come back, because of Monsieur le Vicomte de Chagny. In his frustrations, he destroyed everything except your room. He left it exactly as you had left it and is lying in there, waiting for death to bring him mercy."
A million emotions run through me so quickly, but all I can do was respond to the impulse to get to Erik. I nod to the Persian, who opens the door and returns my nod. I run into the room, stop quickly and cover my mouth at the scene. He lays on my -- and his dead mother's – bed. He turns his eyes to me and they widen in surprise. Quickly, I run to his side, sit on the bed and take off the mask. His eyes accuse me, but welcome me. I shake my head and a crazy idea comes to mind. Impulsively, I turn to the Persian and ask him to be my witness before God. I take out the ring that Erik got for me and place it on the fourth finger of my left hand and put another ring that I found on Erik's finger. Smile down on our love, dear Lord. Erik is my spiritual husband. And now kiss the groom… He picks a handkerchief to wipe away streams of tears, and I put it back down. I bend over and kiss away his tears. At that point, I ask the Persian to leave us and not to disturb us. He nods in assent, gives me a look of understanding and approval and walks out. I turn back to Erik and lean down to kiss him, but he pushes me away softly.
"Christine, my dear, you should not have come back to this place." Erik smiles at me and then he flinches in response to his pain.
"Erik, are you telling me that you are angry at me and that you want me to leave you alone?" I look down at my hands, but then look up at him after he leaves a little bit of silence before responding.
"Christine … I am at a loss," he replies but I cut him off with a deep kiss. Afterwards, he looks at me with wonder and amazement. I shake my head at his sweet innocence.
"Darling Erik, I love you. You are me. I am you. Make me into one with you, my love." I smile at him and caress his face. He gives me an alarmed look.
"Christine, I, uh, actually have never … well. My first kiss was with you, my dear. More than that, you will marry Raoul tomorrow. You must have a normal life full of love, children and people. You were made for the light of the outside world, not for the darkness of my underground refuge. Be happy: this is my wish for you," he explains.
I shake my head and smile gently in protest. "Erik, I belong here with you. I am happiest with you. If I had my choice, I would have you as my husband. In your arms I wish to die here in this tomb… but you will not let me."
Erik sighs. "I love you too much to want that for you. I do not have a future like yours. I do not even have a future at all or a family. If I would live, my lifestyle choices would not please you or make you happy. I used to want a family and a wife, you know, but I gave up those ideas of being normal long ago." He stares off into the distance for a moment. "Normal- I am like everyone else on the inside! But my face kept me from such normal pleasures." His face distorts, but I am not afraid. He remains silent and his eyes narrow at some horrific memory. Suddenly, he explodes in his rage. "Jehovah is a cruel God who gave me this face and did not give souls to animals! Did you ever think about that, my dear? Animals can be so much more forgiving and kind than human beings and yet, they are denied souls. My childhood friend, Sasha, was the only one who looked on me with love and because she was a dog, she had no soul!" I grab his hand to let him know that I am there. He grasps it hard until he realizes whose hand he's holding. His eyes turn to mine and lose most of their hardness. "Still, God has also brought you to me for now. I do not deserve anything because I turned to evil." He turns away, embarrassed.
I murmur, "But you do not serve the devil anymore…"
He shakes his head. "No, I saw how powerless he is. I had lived on hate, because I wanted to escape from all my pain and sadness into nothingness. I wanted control because emotions are weak and unpredictable. I discovered that feeling nothing is not beautiful, as I had fooled myself into believing; nothingness is frightening and dreadfully painful. Anger only hides and magnifies pain; only love can heal the wounds. You, my dear, showed me love and got past the barriers I put up. I now know how love can heal… and I know that because of you." He shakes his head in amazement and then smiles at me.
"I know you hate Him, but why not make your peace with Him before you go? You obviously believe in Him, but do not believe that you should be with Him. God can do anything- even answer your questions. People can make mistakes, so maybe some of your problems come from dealing with people who did not represent God very well. After all, Erik, no one's perfect and no one's worthy to be with God, not in their own right."
He half smiles and looks into her eyes. "Christine, child, I do not know about God. I do know that you should live. Live for me as well, Christine."
I shake my head and just look at him. "Erik, enough of all that. There is little time and I want to be with you now. I do not know about it either but teach me and I will teach you. Take me to the bounds of yourself. Expand my bounds and I will yours in return."
He raises his eyes to heaven. "God, why do I deserve this? Why did you have to be you, Christine?"
Meanwhile, I go into the bathroom and put on the white silk kimono that he bought for me. I brush my hair and say a little prayer. Determined, I walk back into the room and sit beside him and kiss him. He stops fighting me and we make love for the first and only time. Then, Erik, peaceful and happy, makes his peace with God. Afterwards, he kisses me and tells me that he will always be with me. I argue, but he silences me. "I go to meet God now and I will see you at your time. I will wait for you, my dear. Know this always: I love you, Christine." He smiles and caresses my cheek. With his last breath, he spoke my name. I kiss him, cross myself and tell him I love him.
I get up and get dressed. I find Ayesha curled up next to Erik and I tell her that he's gone. The cat rubs against Erik and looks longingly at him before jumping into my arms. Then I open the door and find Nadir meditating in the outer chamber. He guides me to the outer door and clicks open the door for me. On the ruined couch, I can see Raoul, who has fallen asleep. He hears the soft click of the lock and looks up at me.
Poor Raoul, he is unsure of how to react, but he comes up to me and awkwardly puts his arm around me. He doesn't even chastise me or remind me that there will not be a wedding tomorrow. Nadir tells us that we should go and that he will take care of everything there. I walk up to Nadir and tell him that Erik made his peace with God before he went. The Persian smiles, obviously pleased. He shakes my hand warmly and then nods his understanding. "He will be buried next to his mother in Boscerville. Good luck to you both. It was truly a pleasure, mademoiselle. May Allah protect you and bring you happiness. Raoul, take care. His last wish was for her not to be alone in the world, so please take care of her." He bows and walks back into the bedroom.
I do not look back; I walk into the boat and wait for Raoul. He stumbles to the boat and rows us across for the last time. I caress Ayesha, who has decided that she likes me after all!
We did not marry the next day, mostly because I feel sorry for Raoul. I want him to be sure he can forgive me before we marry. He does not object, nor does he know what occurred exactly. He continues to insist four weeks later. Consequently, we have a private ceremony and then go to England to escape sad memories and Raoul's family, who wanted him to marry someone with higher social connections.
Two months later, I tell him that I am pregnant. I think that the child is actually Erik's, not his, but I do not want him to be upset. Personally, I am excited to think that Erik's brilliant mind and many talents may not be lost to the world completely. Erik, you have a family. You have me, your wife, who is pregnant with your child. Look down on us, my love. What a joy it is to carry the child of the man I love and lost! Of course, I love Raoul, but it is different. We have a seemingly perfect marriage to everyone and although it is a good marriage, it is not exactly what it seems. I know that he will accept this child without question- why should he question it?
Months pass on; my pregnancy is not going very well. I require surgery for I might die with it and most certainly without it. The doctor knows that the child is a month farther along that Raoul thinks and I think that he told him. So my husband knows now; at last he knows the truth. He will treasure my child even if I die. I am lucky to have him around to take care of me and protect me. If I die, I will be reunited with Erik. If not, I will take care of my child.
After the birth of Charles:
I will live and so will my son, Charles. How ironic that Raoul picked Charles as a name – it is a common name, but Erik's father was named Charles. I have not told Raoul that and I see no reason to inform him. Erik was supposed to be the perfect son of Charles, a Charles Jr. Now, Madeleine and Charles had a grandson to make them proud. I wonder if Charles' grandparents, including my deceased parents, look down on us and watch over us with approval. I wonder if they are proud. I can imagine the look of wonder Erik would have on his face if he had been alive to see his perfect son, an adorable and handsome child who will carry the name and rank of the Vicomte de Chagny. Unfortunately, I cannot have any more children because the pregnancy would most likely kill me. Raoul understands, but I know that he is a little frustrated. He feels as if he must always compare himself to Erik; he competes with a man who is dead. Now, I can never carry Raoul's children.
In a way, my son is like the red rose in the old story: Erik, the nightingale; I, the white rose; Charles, the red rose, our child that the world was not supposed to know. I cried so hard when Raoul first gave me a red rose as a symbol of his love for me. He does not understand and if I told him, he would feel even more left out than he did before. It is a sweet gesture and I treasure it. I save all the petals in a drawer along with a few mementos of Erik- a white rose, a quote from Aida and the wedding ring he bought for me. Let me savor those lines again, just as I sang them to you, Erik. "My heart foreseeing your condemnation, into this tomb I made my way by stealth, and here, far from any human gaze, in your arms I wished to die…"
Years later:
Erik, our child is remarkable. He has inherited your intellect and creativity. He is quite a prodigy on the piano and he is so handsome. He looks so much like your father, Erik. Unlike you, he is happy and did not have such a difficult life. Still, he wishes he were ugly so that the women would not like him so much. He feels that way although he is a child. He is also so afraid of doing anything wrong around me- as if my knowledge of him not being perfect would break his little heart. What a precious child he is! Ayesha loved him when she was alive. She was with me until Charles was born; she treated that child like she treated Erik. Charles was heartbroken when she finally died, although she had lived a long time. I put the diamond collar in my drawer with all the rest of the keepsakes.
As for me, my health is failing because of a disease that the doctors do not understand. They cannot help me. My time is limited, but I do not despair. I would like to see my son blossom and grow. I would like to see how he is like his father. I have no regrets. I had my success on the stage, I have a wonderful son and I have a wonderful marriage. What more could a woman ask for in her life? I have so much more than that. I would not have any of it if Erik hadn't been in my life. I was a child- a plant that did not care to reach for the light. He taught me to shine; he inspired me with his love. I wish I hadn't been so blinded by the unimportant things, such as his face and his transgressions. I wish he had lived, but then everything would have been more complicated. I will be with you again soon, Erik- where we can watch over our son together.
Where am I? Is this heaven? I can see with my heart. You see, I remember the promise that Erik made to me. I wonder where he is. My soul's eyes keep searching for a mask. How could I possibly miss him? I feel a tap on my shoulder and so I turn around and see Saint Peter. He smiles and welcomes me with a kiss on the cheek. I begin to curtsy, but he stops me. "We are all below God and since you have been raised as well, only use such reverence with the Almighty." I blush and apologize. He waves his hand and smiles. "Don't worry, Christine. I understand. By the way, are you searching for someone?" I nod slowly. Saint Peter grins. "Don't worry, child. Remember that people's earthly shell may not resemble the form of their soul." He winks. "Look with your heart and not your eyes. Good luck, dear Christine, follower of Lord Jesus. Welcome, dear girl."
I wave goodbye to Saint Peter and then think. I should look with my heart … as I did when I realized I loved him at first. I close my eyes and think of Erik and his soul, the spirit of the man that I love. Open your eyes when you hear the music, Christine. After searching for an indeterminate period of time, I think I feel something. I see a bouquet of red and white roses with a note saying, "Dear Christine, welcome to eternity. Welcome to forever. Love forever, Erik." Oh Erik! Where are you? What is this place? It reminds me of the house beneath the Opera, but different. "Things are a little bit different in heaven. I based it off that original plan, of course, my dear. I have been watching you, Christine, my love. This is the beginning of the end or the beginning of the beginning. Forever, Christine." I turn and see a man I have only seen with my heart and soul; he is not familiar to my eyes. A powerful, strong, determined, brilliant and handsome man stood behind me. "Erik, you do believe in answered prayers and God's plan now, don't you?" He just smiles and walks towards me. Our souls come together as one once again, but forever.