Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, obviously.
Summary: If Dan Humphrey and Blair Waldorf fell in love, it would go like this. Or maybe not. — Post-4x18, pre-4x19.
It would go like this.
But it doesn't.
"Blair, do you think we would fall in love with each other, you know, in another life?" Dan asks.
"What? No. That's impossible, Cabbage Patch. It won't happen in this life and it wouldn't happen in an alternative universe or in another life. We are not even friends."
"Ok, whatever you say, Waldorf. It's just that I suddenly remembered a movie that Jenny made me watch about two universes and your life changing drastically because some silly thing changed, like crossing the street two seconds later or running into an old lady while shopping for groceries or something like that, and in the movie th-"
"Stop it. You're rambling and it's annoying me," she spats.
"You're right, we should watch the movie. I'll shut up."
She smiles, then mutters, "Took you long enough."
.
.
.
The silence is comfortable when you're sharing it with someone who understands, Blair realizes. Dan Humphrey is Serena's current toy but he's here, sitting on the floor and trying to make her see that he cares. It's bizarre; he should be with Serena, right? After all, everybody chooses Serena, why would this be any different? Why is he different? Why is he choosing her?
"I still don't know what are you doing here," she suddenly says, but she didn't want to say it, and the peaceful silence is broken; "but I guess I'm… grateful, right?"
He laughs a little. "You're actually kind of tolerable, Waldorf."
"Wow, you're so charming, Brooklyn."
And that's the moment when their love story would begin. It would begin in that moment when they both smile.
.
If Blair Waldorf fell in love with Dan Humphrey, it would go like this:
She would cry because Serena took Nate away from her and because she's never the one, and he would be there for her. It would happen because he would smile at her and he would ignore her insults and suddenly she wouldn't be crying so much and she would smile too.
Two days later she would call him to ask what his favorite book is because she wants to repay him for comforting her. He would tell her that he doesn't need the book and she would laugh because Humphrey, it's a gift and you'll have to accept it whether you like it or not, and then he would ask her what her favorite movie is and she would name at least ten films and they would agree on six of them and totally disagree in three of them.
"Nights of Cabiria, on Saturday at seven?" she would ask.
"Okay, Waldorf, whatever you say."
They would sit three seats away while watching Nights of Cabiria and three weeks later they would sit two seats away to watch Sabrina. It's called progress.
"What about Roman Holiday, Blair?" he would ask two weeks after watching Sabrina, choosing an Audrey Hepburn film just because Blair loves her.
"Fine, but I'll do it for Audrey," she would answer, "because watching movies with you is actually an awful experience," she would roll her eyes and she would mumble something about Humphrey being a nuisance, but she would sit next to him, he would offer his popcorn and she would refuse but she would eat some of it anyways.
By the twentieth time they go to the movies, Serena and Dan would be long over and the blonde would be dating Nate and their parents would be engaged, and Dan would kiss Blair after the ending credits of The Philadelphia Story.
"We are not in a romantic comedy, Humphrey." And then she would kiss him.
.
She doesn't break the silence and she doesn't smile, because she's too busy thinking about life and broken dreams, and it goes like this:
Dan Humphrey is actually a human being that cares about people and now Blair knows it, but she still mocks his hair and his shoes and he laughs. There aren't movie dates and there's not popcorn and they don't kiss (at least not yet).
.
.
"Well, look who finally got a little interesting," she says, with a (kind of) smile gracing her lips.
"I'm sure it's a fluke."
Serena gets a call from Lily and she says she's sorry but she has to go because reception there is shitty at the moment and she can't hear her mom. And their (kind of) love story would begin right in that moment, after Serena leaves the table, when Blair looks at Dan and he looks at her.
.
If Dan Humphrey fell in love with Blair Waldorf, or something like that, it would go like this:
"So, wear him down, uhm?" she would say after a moment.
"Ehm, yeah, right."
"How should I do it, Humphrey?" she would ask, baiting her eyelashes, just for the thrill of knowing that she's still desirable even if Chuck doesn't want her enough to say three stupid words.
"I'm sure you know," she would answer, blushing and scratching his neck. And suddenly he would look at her lips and she would look at his jaw and they would have a moment. They would make plans to get it out of their system that same afternoon at six o'clock, but they would be horrified and would cancel it.
They would do it three days later in Blair's penthouse because they can't keep pretending that they aren't feeling that stupid burning desire in their veins. It would happen in Blair's bed, she would throw away his fucking horrid t-shirt and he would play with her hair while kissing her neck and oh god Humphrey do that again oh yesss,she would kiss his jaw, he would bite her lips and their hands would be everywhere, the heat would be too much and Blair's sheets would get tangled in her legs and holy fuck, Blair. They would do it three times and it still wouldn't be enough.
Two days later Serena would ask her if things went good with Chuck, because she seems relieved, and Blair would shrug. "I didn't do anything. The itch doesn't need to be scratched anymore," and she would leave a shocked Serena standing in the middle of the hallway.
Two months later Serena would start dating Carter Baizen and Blair would tell her who's scratching her itch. "It's Humphrey," she would say, while eating a macaroon sitting on the MET steps.
"What? Where's Dan?" Serena would look for him in the crowd, but he wouldn't be there. "I thought he had Chemistry."
"It's History, actually. But, no, that's not it. S, I'm having sex with Humphrey."
There would be a rumor about Jenny and Blair being lesbians and Blair would roll her eyes when Penelope asks her if it's true and then she would kiss Dan Humphrey in front of everyone.
"This is the Humphrey I meant, you all are a bunch of pathetic deluded losers," and she would walk away.
"What the hell was that about, mate?" Nate would ask, totally confused, and Dan would shrug and laugh a little.
"That was Blair being Blair."
.
Lily decides to call Eric, not Serena, and it goes like this:
Serena and Dan look at each other with sappy smiles and Blair leaves the table, totally disgusted. Later, Humphrey tries to help her with Chuck but she still fails spectacularly. In her mind she tries to blame Dan Humphrey, but she knows is not his fault.
.
.
It would go like this:
Blair and Dan would have sex in that bathroom and someone would send a picture of the two of them kissing (thank god they were only kissing when the photo was taken) to Gossip Girl. Serena would be angry at them for five months.
Somehow they would find out that they have a lot more in common than just their love for Serena and Blair would read all the books in Dan's bookshelves and he would write a story about the day he found her sitting in a hallway, like a broken doll. They would watch some movies and then, two months after 'the incident', they would realize they are in love.
Serena would start to be friends with them again three months after people found out about their relationship, but she would never truly forgive them until eight years later.
(Eight years later they would decide that Serena is going to be Elise's godmother. But that's another story).
.
It goes like this:
They don't have sex and Blair leaves Dan standing like an idiot in the middle of the girl's bathroom.
.
.
It would go like this:
He would be mad at Vanessa and she would be mad at Chuck; they would be in Dorota's wedding, they would dance and they would leave the party together. They wouldn't have sex, but they would talk all night and she would tell him about Chuck's hotel and he would hug her while she cries.
A year later she would forgive Chuck, but she wouldn't get back together with him because they are not inevitable. And while she was working with Dan at W, they would have coffee together almost everyday and there would be one time when Dan would subconsciously give her a peck on the lips when she's hugging him and she would smile and it would be brighter than ever before.
"You really took your time, Dan."
"Sorry, I guess."
.
It goes like this:
He's not mad at Vanessa and she's too busy thinking about ChuckandBlair being magnetic and inevitable. They dance, though, and he tells her an awful joke and she laughs at how bad it is.
.
.
It would go like this:
She would be heartbroken because Raina is sacred for Chuck (or at least he cares enough about her to lie to keep her) and he would be in awe because Blair is utterly beautiful even when she's shattered and crying inside. She would let him hold her hand and at the end of the night he would kiss her softly on the cheek before she enters the elevator and she would give him a little smile.
"We are not even friends, Humphrey."
And he would smile too, "We are. But let's pretend that we are not, if that's going to make you happy," he would say, "See you later, Blair."
Three weeks later Blair would go to the loft and she would be an emotional wreck, but still perfectly dressed and really beautiful with her pretty eyes and her lovely lips.
"I'm not in love with Chuck anymore and it's your entire fault," she would hiss before pulling his lips in a kiss. Her hands would find his shoulders and his fingers would trace he cheeks and suddenly Blair would be content.
And that would be it, with happy ending three years later and a wedding with delicious cake and exquisite decoration, with hydrangeas in the bouquet that Serena catches before looking at Nate with a twinkle in her eyes and Blair and Dan holding hands in the plane going to their honeymoon in Tuscany.
.
It goes like this:
She doesn't let him hold her hand and then she runs away and he stops following her when she asks him to leave her alone. They watch Rosemary's baby over the phone, though, and Blair laughs a lot and suddenly her heart isn't bleeding and she feels happy in a way, because she knows she's not alone.
.
.
It would go like this:
After the kiss, Blair would realize she really likes Dan and he would kiss her again and again and he would never stop.
.
It goes like this:
Blair goes to her room without saying a single word and he's shaking because he realized he really likes Blair. He thinks about her all the time, he dreams about her and he really, really wants to kiss her again. But it doesn't matter, because Blair didn't feel anything; he knows this because she's telling Chuck that she wanted to start a relationship with him again.
Oh, crap, he's so fucked.
.
.
If Dan Humphrey fell in love with Blair Waldorf, it would go lik-
Wait. He already fell for her, even if he's not aware of it. Later in his life he will say he fell for her while working at W, but he thinks that he started to fall for her since he met her, even if it took a very long time. She sort of made her way into his heart without trying and he didn't realize it until he was completely in love with her.
.
.
.
"But I'm sure that if we fell in love, even if that's too ridiculous to even think about it, you would fall for me first," she says after ten minutes of silence and she is totally right.
"Ehm, yeah, right. Whatever."
He wonders if she will fall in love with him in this life, in this universe. Maybe she will, maybe not. Maybe she will fall in love with him in twenty years or tomorrow. Or maybe she will never fall for him. Who knows?
"I can totally see it now. You would be hopelessly in love with me and I would probably be in love with Chuck or some other guy that is not you, maybe some guy we don't know in this universe. And maybe I would fall in love with you," she chuckles a little, a soft sound that is barely there, but Dan hears it, "and maybe I wouldn't. Probably I wouldn't. I think it fits with us, don't you agree?" she jokes, winking at him.
"Yeah, it fits perfectly."
And it goes like that.