If Only

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh but wish I did.

If only. Possibly the two saddest words in the English language. Two short words that seem insignificant apart, but when put together contain the meaning of a thousand emotions. Pain, sadness, regret, guilt, shame… the list goes on.

I never really thought about it before you know… being apart from my brother I mean. Sure, I don't really take notice of him, but he's always been there, and whenever he goes off for a while, the lack of his comforting presence makes him sorely missed.

And yes, I admit I never imagined that I would ever be apart from him… well certainly not forever. I never imagined he would be snatched away from me; that there was a time where I would not be there to protect him. Guess I thought wrong.

I know people say that probably the only person I ever loved was my brother; well they're right. I loved him unconditionally, the sort of love that is expected of siblings. Mostly the protective kind of love. So why wasn't I there when he needed me the most?

We did quarrel before his accident, but was it really that bad now that I think about it?

I blame myself for his death. True I didn't run him over. Instead, I just watched as he ran out into the downpour that night. I could have stopped him; ran after him. I could have got hit instead of him. I find myself thinking, if only. If only I did, my brother wouldn't be dead. If only I did, I could have saved him. If only I did, I could be the one dead. I'd rather have that… no sacrifice is too much for the only one I love, and the only one who loves me.

I suffered so much that night. Pain that cannot be expressed in words. He felt so small, so helpless when I lifted his head up. I whispered to him through my tears to hold on… it'll be alright. I held him tightly, but he still went. I could sense him slipping away from me as my tears fell, mixed with the rain. The cold rain. I didn't want my brother to die like this, in the cold, in the driving rain, his last thought of me yelling at him. But he didn't. Yes, he did die there, almost frozen, but he didn't think of me in hatred. No, he made a last effort to open his eyes and reassure me that he loved me as though I was the one hit by the car. I didn't deserve his love.

I buried him yesterday. A nice gray tombstone bearing the name Mokuba Kaiba, marking the spot where he was buried. I chose a small hill for him; I know he'd like it there. I can imagine him sitting on the hill, enjoying the breeze. There were so many people at his funeral… who knew he was so popular? All of them expressing their condolences to me. I feel grateful, but I can't help thinking, 'what do they know? They don't know him, not as much as I would like. If they did, they should be crying for his loss. A loss to the rest of the world who would never get to know him now. Who would never get a chance to talk to him, to find out what he's like. Who would never get to see his smile again.

I haven't touched his room since then. I want to leave it as it is; the clothes on the floor, the ghastly colors on his wall… they all express him. Yes, I have photos but I've locked them all away. It hurts just looking at them, knowing that I'd never touch him again. It's too much, feeling that longing… that comfort I feel whenever you're around.

I don't think I can live without you little brother. I don't know if you ever knew, but you are the reason that I'm still here. And now that you're gone… what reason is there for me to live? There are many capable people that can run the business. Kaiba. How I hate that name. It's no loss to me… the world would be a better place if the name of Kaiba did not pass down.

But it's not time for me to go yet is it Mokuba? I can feel you pushing me back. 'No' you seem to say. 'Not yet… not your time yet'. But I want to see you again. I miss you Mokuba. I miss you so much.

I'm at your grave again Mokuba. Do you know I'm there? I feel so insignificant looking up at the sky. So many stars. They twinkle… it reminds me of your smile. Yes, the stars… they sparkle. I regret so much Mokuba. I've never lay out in the open with you, looking at the sky. I wish I'd spent more time with you, so I could have appreciated you more. And I never told you that I loved you have I? If only I did… maybe you wouldn't have taken it so hard when I yelled at you. Well, I love you Mokuba. I love you.

The stars… they seem to glow, but I can't feel their happiness. What do they say about stars again? Oh yes… they are the dead looking down on you.

I know you're up there somewhere in that vast night sky. Out of all the stars, I know you're the brightest one. Can you see me Mokuba? You know I love you don't you? That I never meant to hurt you? I hope you're happy up there little brother, taking your place with all the other angels. That's what you are, aren't you? A little angel smiling down on the world, waiting for your big brother to join you one day, so that we can finally be reunited.