The Office
Problem Solving
Stephen Calhoun
3/3/2009
Teaser
SCENE A
COLD OPEN:
INT. HALLWAY ENTRANCE - DAY
(Michael Scott, Dwight Schrute)
MICHAEL COMES HURRYING IN THROUGH THE DOOR WITH A BROAD SMILE
SFX: POWER DRILL IN BACKGROUND
MICHAEL
Let's see if he's done.
MICHAEL ENTERS HIS OFFICE. DWIGHT'S HEAD POPS UP FROM UNDERNEATH DESK WEARING SAFETY AND TOOLS LITTER MICHAEL'S OFFICE FLOOR
DWIGHT
This is a terrible idea.
CUT TO: MICHAEL SCOTT TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
A few days ago I was waiting at Great Clips to have my hair cut and saw this beautiful Asian woman on a magazine cover. Her name was Feng Shui, and she had the most beautiful smile and fun shaped eyes. I couldn't stop staring at them. I opened the magazine and Ms. Shui had this great quote: "To love oneself you must love your surrounding." Do I love myself? Yes. Of course. But do I love my surrounding? No. Not always. So I decided to install a swinging door under my desk.
CUT TO: MICHAEL'S OFFICE. DWIGHT IS HOLDING POWER DRILL
MICHAEL
(CRAWLING UNDER DESK) You can see I got this started yesterday and Dwight finished it today (CAMERA ZOOMS ON RANDOM HOLES IN THE DESK AND SCRATCH MARKS). I never use this back part of my desk but now it can be my area of escape—my area of "send." (DWIGHT LEANS OVER AND TRIES TO HOLD THE DOOR UP FOR MICHAEL AS HE SLIDES UNDER IT)
DWIGHT
Michael, turn your body…
MICHAEL
God, Dwight, I got it, just turn
DWIGHT AND MICHAEL GO BACK AND FORTH UNTIL MICHAEL IS WEDGED IN UNDER THE DESK CLEARLY UNCOMFORTABLE
DWIGHT
(Holding the swinging door) You all the way in?
MICHAEL
Aaah, I can feel the stress leaving me already.
DWIGHT LETS GO OF THE DOOR AND IT SWINGS AND SLAMS MICHAEL IN THE SIDE
MICHAEL
Dammit Dwight!
CUT TO: OPENING CREDITS
ACT ONE
Scene B
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - DAY
MICHAEL ON PHONE WITH DAVID WALLACE. DESK STILL HAS SAWDUST AND RANDOM SCREWS ON IT.
MICHAEL
You should check it out sometime, David. It's very nice (Borat voice).
DAVID
No, Michael. And I don't think you should be drilling holes in company property. I'm just calling to let you know the board has been talking a lot about personnel and making changes. Your branch consistently performs towards the top and we want to reward people there.
MICHAEL
SITTING BACK WITH A PLEASED EXPRESSION) I… (LOUD EXHALE) I don't know what to say. Your kind words are over… over and… overly appreciated.
DAVID
Michael, we're looking for ways to better utilize your work force across the entire company. Our top salesman work at your branch and we need to use their knowledge elsewhere.
MICHAEL
(WORRIED) Are talking about transferring Jim and Dwight? Because you can't transfer my family members. What would happen if the cool older brother and weird reject uncle were forced to leave a family? It would fall apart, David.
DAVID
Were not transferring anyone. All I need you to do is figure out who a good successor might be. Who is someone at your branch who possesses the skills that have made you successful as a manager.
CUT TO: ANDY BERNARD TALKING HEAD
ANDY
Ever since I transferred here from Stamford a few years ago I've never really connected with the people. I did almost marry one of them, but that was a different kind of connection. At Stamford, we just knew what was going on with each other.
CUT TO: ANDY AWKWARDLY SLIDING BEHIND KEVIN'S CHAIR IN THE BREAK ROOM
We didn't even have to talk. If someone walked in with a fever, I could just feel it. I could feel "Tony is sick today" because we knew each other so well.
CUT TO: ANDY SITTING IN HIS CAR IN THE PARKING LOT WHILE CREED SITS IN HIS CAR DIRECTLY BEHIND ANDY'S BLOCKING HIM. ANDY BECOMES ANNOYED BUT CREED JUST SITS THERE LOOKING AROUND AND LISTENING TO MUSIC.
Or when Randy came in and I just knew he'd been paralyzed from the waist down from the car accident and would have to be in that wheel chair for the rest of his life. I could just tell. I don't have that with people here. But I'm going to get it.
ANDY HOLDS UP TEN TICKETS TO A UNIVERSITY OF SCRANTON BASEBALL GAME
CUT TO: ANDY WALKING INTO MAIN OFFICE AREA. ALL REGULAR EMPLOYEES ARE WORKING AT THEIR DESKS. ANDY WALKS TO STANLEY'S DESK AND PLACES THE TICKET ON THE DESK.
STANLEY
What's this?
ANDY
That, my friend, is an invitation to join the Nard dog and other Dunder Mifflin employees at the premier local collegiate baseball event this weekend: Scranton Royals v. Juaniata Eagles.
STANLEY
No.
ANDY
C'mon, Stanley, it'll be fun. You can bring your daughter. Lots of cute guys for her to check out.
STANLEY GIVES HIM AN "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" LOOK. PHYLLIS SMILES ACROSS THE DESK
PHYLLIS
Bob and I love baseball. We'd go with you.
ANDY
Yeah, well alright Mistah and Missa Vance.
ANDY WALKS OVER AND HANDS HER TWO TICKETS. PHYLLIS MOTIONS FOR HIM TO GET CLOSER SO SHE CAN WHISPER SOMETHING TO HIM.
PHYLLIS
(WHISPERING) As a former head of the party planning committee, I'll warn you that the people here are a tough crowd. If you want to get people to come, you'll have to cater to what they like. (THEY MAKE EYE CONTACT AND NOD. CAMERA ZOOMS ON ANDY'S THOUGHTFUL EXPRESSION.)
MICHAEL
Attention everyone. (CAMERA PANS AROUND TO FIND MICHAEL EXITING HIS OFFICE AND ENTERING THE MAIN OFFICE AREA) Your leader is talking. Stop what you're doing. Immediately. (MICHAEL HANGS UP A CALL DWIGHT IS ON). OK. I have an announcement to make. I will be leaving in a few minutes. (HE PAUSES WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK WHERE HE'LL BE GOING. NO ONE DOES) So since you're probably all wondering where I'll be going, all I can say is I can't tell you. While I'm gone Jim is in charge. Jim, in a few minutes you should probably go sit in my office and do your calls in there.
JIM
Oh I don't need to do that.
MICHAEL
I think you should. It'd be good for you. Get a sense of what having your own office feels like. (JIM SHAKES HIS HEAD) Also (TO EVERYONE) even if you don't see me leave, I won't be in my office. Just trust me. I am usually somewhere else.
JIM
Are you going to teleport out?
DWIGHT
That's so stupid. Teleportation devices won't be invented for at least another ten years. Or until the second Romulan invasion.
CREED
It's not stupid. Those things work.
CUT TO: CREED TALKING HEAD
CREED
I used to take and sell teleportation pills. I'd always end up somewhere else and could never remember how I got there.
CUT TO: JIM AND DWIGHT SITTING AT THEIR DESKS
DWIGHT
Are you going to go into Michael's office?
JIM
Nah. I've got everything I need here.
DWIGHT
(LOOKING SHOCKED) Your superior gave you a direct command. If I was ever your boss.
JIM
Which you're not
DWIGHT
But if I was
JIM
But your not
DWIGHT
I would write you up and give you three demerits for direct insubordination.
JIM
He hasn't left yet though.
DWIGHT
He said you might not see him leave (BEGINS SMILING KNOWINGLY).
JIM
OK, fine. Michael…
JIM TURNS AND OPENS MICHAEL'S OFFICE DOOR. HE WALKS IN AND IS SURPRISED WHEN HE DOESN'T SEE MICHAEL. ON MICHAEL'S CHAIR IS A CROWN FROM BURGER KING AND A SIGN READING "FOR MY FOLLOWER". THE WORD SUCCESSOR IS MISSPELLED AND CROSSED OUT SEVERAL TIMES ABOVE THE WORD FOLLOWER
Commercial
ACT TWO
Scene C
INT. ACCOUNTANT'S CORNER - DAY
ANDY WALKS IN
ANDY
Hello everyone.
KEVIN
Hi Andy. What's up?
ANDY
Just stopping by to say hi (BRIEF PAUSE) and I have a joke I wrote for you. (ANGELA LOOKS AT HIM WITH A HARSH GLARE). What is an accountant's favorite type of ice cream?
KEVIN
Ooo, mine is chocolate.
ANDY
No, I mean in general. In general what is an accountant's favorite ice cream flavor?
OSCAR
(SIGHING) What?
ANDY
Fudged Numbers. (KEVIN GLANCES AT OSCAR AND GIGGLES)
OSCAR
Andy, is there something you need?
ANDY
Sort of. Look, you all are super cool (ANDY GLANCES AT ANGELA WHO IS STILL GLARING)… most of you are super cool friends and I just wanted to invite you to an awesome college baseball game this weekend. (HE LAYS THE TICKETS DOWN ON KEVIN AND OSCAR'S DESKS. HE WALKS TO ANGELA'S, HESITATES, THEN PLACES A TICKET ON THE CORNER).
KEVIN
Who are you picking to win?
ANDY
Huh?
KEVIN
Who's the favorite? What are the odds? What's the over under? The spread?
OSCAR
Thanks Andy. I might be able to come depending on a few things at home. (KEVIN GIGGLES AGAIN).
ANDY
Great, well I'll consider that a maybe from most of you.
CUT TO: JIM IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE SITTING IN ONE OF THE CHAIRS – NOT IN MICHAEL'S CHAIR OR BEHIND HIS DESK. MICHAEL IS VISIBLE UNDER THE DESK BEHIND HIS TRAP DOOR BUT JIM HASN'T NOTICED HIM. PAM ENTERS.
PAM
Hey, I finished designing our invitations. What do you think? (HANDS JIM AN INVITATION)
JIM
(SOMEWHAT DISTANTLY) Yeah, these look good.
PAM
Do you like them or are you just saying that?
JIM
Yeah, no, I think they look good.
CUT TO: JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
Pam and I are doing a lot of the wedding plans, and it's kind of weird. Not because I'm worried about marrying her but because she's already planned a wedding once before. So conversations often start with "When Roy and I looked at flowers" which is weird.
CUT TO: PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
Jim doesn't like it when I talk about my plans with Roy, but I got some really great deals on stuff. Now I feel like I have something to reference. Plus Roy never cared about anything I chose so I didn't have to talk to him about it. He did care about the band though. That was a disaster.
CUT TO: MICHAEL'S OFFICE WITH JIM AND PAM SITTING
JIM
I told you, these wedding plans can just be awkward sometimes.
PAM
(FRUSTRATED) I thought we'd move passed this. This can't come up every time I ask for your opinion on something.
JIM
If I'd been engaged to Karen, wouldn't it make you feel weird to talk about all the great plans I had with her? For instance, Karen wanted our first dance to be to "Time After Time."
PAM
(INTERRUPTING) Wait, you and Karen discussed wedding plans?
JIM
Sort of. Not really. All as a hypothetical. Like "When we get married I'd like to have this."
PAM IS VISIBLY UPSET WITH THIS. SHE GETS UP AND QUIETLY WALKS OUT
JIM
Wait, Pam.
HE STANDS UP BUT CAN'T CATCH HER BEFORE SHE LEAVES THE OFFICE. HE EXITS AND SITS DOWN AT HIS DESK. THE CAMERA WALKS AROUND TO MICHAEL STILL WEDGED UNDER HIS DESK. HE LIFTS THE SWINGING DOOR AND HAS A COMPLETELY SHOCKED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.
Scene D
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE
MICHAEL CROUCHED DOWN TRYING TO LOOK OUT HIS WINDOW. PAM WALKS BY AND GOES TO THE BREAK ROOM. JIM STANDS UP AND FOLLOWS SHORTLY AFTER SHE PASSES. MICHAEL QUICKLY STEPS OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND RUNS TO THE HALLWAY. JIM TRIES TO TALK TO PAM IN THE BREAK ROOM BUT SHE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.
CUT TO: ANDY WALKING UP TO CREED
ANDY
Can you take me higher? Rr-du-dudu-duh-du. To the place with golden streets. (CREED TAKES HIS GLASSES OFF AND LOOKS AT ANDY). I bet you get that all the time, right?
CREED
Get what all the time?
ANDY
The singing. The band Creed.
CREED
(FRANTICALLY) I don't know what you're talking about. All royalties from my bands were distributed equally to all band members as our contracts state. They never proved otherwise.
CUT TO: MICHAEL SCOTT TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
Apparently Pam and Jim are having some trouble, and I'll be a monkey if I'm going to sit by and let their relationship fall apart. Although, I did try that with Jan for a while; it was probably our best weeks as a couple.
CUT TO: MICHAEL EXITING HIS OFFICE AND STANDING BEHIND JIM. MICHAEL GRABS HIS SHOULDERS AND BEGAN MASSAGING
JIM
What are you doing?
MICHAEL
You just seem a little tense. Are you doing OK?
JIM
Yep, doing fine Michael.
PAM LOOKS OVER WITH A QUIZZICAL EXPRESSION. MICHAEL NOTICES.
MICHAEL
You know what helps stress? Ice cream. And coffee. And Mexican food.
JIM
That doesn't sound right.
MICHAEL
And it tastes great over mashed potatoes. (MICHAEL CLAPS HIS HANDS) You know what, we should go out.
JIM
It's the middle of the afternoon.
MICHAEL
I know. It's what the Mexicans call a siesta. A siesta fiesta (MAKES MOTION AS IF SHAKING MARACAS. CAMERA ZOOMS ON OSCAR).
JIM
I think I'll just stay here. Thanks though.
MICHAEL
Suit yourself. (HE STANDS FOR A MOMENT TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO NEXT.) Pam, could I see you in my office?
PAM
Is this about the nose thing because I already gave you my opinion on that.
MICHAEL
(TRYING TO SHUSH HER AND MOTIONING HIS HANDS DOWN) Sh, no, sh. It's not about whether I should have a nose job, although I could look like a movie star. But your right, I already do. It's about something with you and others. Other people. Other folks who you talk to and know.
PAM FOLLOWS MICHAEL INTO HIS OFFICE.
Act 3
Scene D
CUT TO: SHOT OF JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK
ANDY WALKS INTO FRAME WEARING A BASEBALL CAP AND CATCHER'S MITT. HE TOSSES THE BALL INTO HIS MITT. HE THEN TOSSEES IT TO JIM BUT DWIGHT SNAGS IT OUT OF MID AIR.
DWIGHT
Assault. You should be arrested for attacking a co-worker. (DWIGHT REACHES INTO A DRAWER AND STARTS PULLING OUT NUNCHUKS)
JIM
Dwight, stop, he was just playing.
DWIGHT
Just playing is right where every old person who ever lived ends up: dead. I'm not playing. I'm winning.
ANDY
I wanted to invite you both to come enjoy a day of America's favorite pastime with me.
DWIGHT
Beet pulping?
ANDY
No, y'know, the greatest sport of all time.
JIM
(PLAYING DUMB) I'm afraid I don't follow.
ANDY
You know, the great ball and stick, (HE HOLDS UP HIS GLOVE AND MITT TRYING TO EMPHASIZE HIS POINT). Hammerin Hank. Shoeless Joe. Cauliflower Caudill.
JIM
I think you made that last one up.
DWIGHT
Are you talking about baseball?
ANDY
(FRUSTRATED) Yes! (HE HAS A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE) Baseball! I have tickets to a game this Saturday if you want to come.
JIM
Oh, I can't this Saturday. I have a friend who's moving during the game.
ANDY
But I didn't tell when it was yet.
JIM
Well when is it?
ANDY
The game starts at…
JIM
Yeah, he needs me right then
ANDY
2:00. Um, OK. Dwight?
DWIGHT
Recreational sports are a waste of time. Unless someone is herding animals or vanquishing evil, I see no reason to run.
CUT TO: DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
I used to play sports all the time. Round the Wagons. Deephole diving. And Moe's favorite: Smimple Ja Crimple. Since I've grown up though I see little need for any physical exertion that might detract from selling paper or defending against bear attacks.
CUT TO: PAM IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE. MICHAEL IS WEARING HIS BURGER KING CROWN
MICHAEL
Pam, is there anything you'd like to talk about with me today?
PAM
(CONFUSED) No.
MICHAEL STANDS UP AND WALKS BEHIND PAM. HE TAKES HER SHOULDERS AND BEGINS MASSAGING. PAM DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING BUT BEGINS SCRUNCHING HER BACK.
MICHAEL
There ya go. Just let it all out. Let the Shui flow through you Feng. (PAM LOOKS ALARMED). Sometimes bedroom stuff can be difficult. I know Jan (PAM STANDS UP)
PAM
Stop, Michael. That's enough.
MICHAEL
I'm just trying to help. I heard you two fighting earlier and thought I could offer some advice. I've had lots of girlfriends you know; I know a lot about how to make relationships work.
PAM
(SARDONICALLY) That's sweet, but Jim and I will be OK.
MICHAEL
Aha! Problem number one: denial. You and Jim are about to break up, Pam. Your about to go through a messy divorce with court proceedings and who will get the kids and a la mode money.
PAM
Michael, really, you don't need to worry about us.
MICHAEL
Yes. As your boss and someone who knows the most about your relationship with Jim, you are the only people I have to worry about. Jim!
JIM ENTERS HIS OFFICE. MICHAEL WALKS OVER AND TAKES JIM'S HAND. HE THEN PLACES IT INTO PAM'S. JIM AND PAM EXCHANGE A GLANCE.
MICHAEL
Til death do you part. Til death do you part or the world explodes. That's what I want for you two. And I don't care if Karen wanted to dance to "Rocket Man," I want you two to be together.
JIM
(REALIZING MICHAEL OVERHEARD THE PREVIOUS CONVERSATION) Wait, were you spying on us earlier?
MICHAEL
Spying, no. Equipping. Mentoring. Customizing. Yes.
PAM
(HEARING A PHONE RING) I should answer that
MICHAEL
No Pam. We are staying in here until you two work this out. (HE WALKS OVER AND LOCKS HIS DOOR). Now sit down and let love in.
JIM AND PAM SIT DOWN. MICHAEL SITS BEHIND HIS DESK AND PULL OUT A CLIPBOARD AND NOTEPAD. HE TRIES TO LOOK AS MUCH LIKE A COUNSELOR AS POSSIBLE. THEY SIT IN SILENCE FOR A WHILE.
MICHAEL
No one is going anywhere until you two love each other again (PAM AND JIM SIGH. JIM FINALLY TURNS TO PAM.)
JIM
This is a little ridiculous(GLANCES AT MICHAEL),
MICHAEL
Yes, good. Keep going. Keep pushing.
JIM AND PAM PAUSE
PAM
Look, Michael, I think we're going to talk about this somewhere else.
PAM
Yeah. (THEY STAND UP TO LEAVE. CAMERA PANS TO MICHAEL WHO IS SOBBING. HE WALKS OVER AND HUGS THEM.)
CUT TO: MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
Some days are just like this. Some days I'm a boss. Some days I'm a comedian. And some days I'm just a great guy. But everyday I'm a friend. And everyday I'm a boss and a comedian too, but a fun one. One who Jim and Pam can come to with their problems and I won't say "Oh, hey, that's not my job. My job is to order you around and make your life hard."
CUT TO: ANDY GIVING KELLY A LITTLE BUDDHA STATUE WITH A TICKET TAPED AROUND HIS STOMACH. KELLY LOVES IT.
No, I wouldn't say that because they're my best friends. And a best friend is a best friend to everyone.
CUT TO: MEREDITH FINDING A TICKET ON HER DESK AND THROWING IT INTO THE TRASH
I am man's best friend. And Jim and Pam are my dawgs and bitc… no, that's not what I mean. What I mean is we have an understanding and love for each other that only a master and his pet could have. And that's what makes this so special.
COMMERCIAL
TAG
ANDY, KEVIN, PHYLLIS, BOB VANCE, KELLY, AND CREED ALL SITTING AT THE BASEBALL GAME.