A/N Well helloooo, people! such a long time ago, right? Before you read this, I want to apologize for not uploading A Walk To Remember, it's just I had this typed up like months ago, so I'd thought I would post this first eh? Really, I have a few chapters of my Multi-chap written out, but I haven't typed them yet, and I would love to, but I'm currently working on a screenplay for filmschool, and when that is finished, I have to cast actors for it, film it, and edit it too :/ but I'll try and find some time to post it, can't promise anything though :s
Now on with this one, believe it or not, it actually doesn't end in pain and misery like all the others! read it and you'll find out ;)
No Limits To Wonder
When Kendall travels all the way up to the rooftop of his building, where no one is actually supposed to come, he can see the whole of Minnesota. All the lights and the cars and all the people. All so caught up in their lives that they forget there's actually something out there.
Across the borders of this state, past the lakes and past the skyscrapers, there lies a world. Big. Scary, even. And it seems to him that everyone is too afraid to go and explore. He wonders all the time when he sees people on the streets, on the bus, subway, he wonders of their lives. And if they're happy. Because everyone always seems so sad. So miserable, so drowned in a solitude, that he fears that even when those people come home to their friends, families, they won't ever find an escape from that solitude. He often questions if he's like that too. If he looks the same as all those people, faceless. And buried within a whole bunch of stories he'll never get to tell. See, Kendall likes to think of himself as ambitious. He's got so many dreams and plans he wants nothing more than to pursue. But deep down, there lies the same core as all those faceless, lonely people. He's just as afraid. Maybe not in the same way, not to let down the mask he's been wearing for so long, but to leave everything behind. Because all the dreams and the plans lie here, in this state, on this rooftop. And he fears that if he ever leaves this place, they might figure and shape into something he never wanted, at all.
It's summertime, but in the distance sounds a thunder, followed by a streak of white light, so blinding that it might as well be tattooed on the lenses of his eyes forever. And like he learned all this time ago, after the thunder and the lightning comes rain. And it starts pouring down on him like God himself is sad because of all the horrifically depressing thing he was just thinking. And as his hair starts to stick to his forehead, he wonders if all this will ever disappear. The rain and the storm and that sunshine that will come after it all stops. Kendall fears that one day, there might actually be a limit to wonder. Like there's a limit to the amount of money he can spend, or to how much he could push his mom's buttons until she cracked. He thinks that they will fade away along with humanity. When everyone has reached a border and there's absolutely no way back. When his whole country will be wrapped up in blue and red and white, and everyone will scream the war is won, when everything is actually lost. When the people have lost. Because it's people who create wonders. People that build pyramids and people that manifest statues of Greek gods, higher than their houses. And if the people destroy themselves? Will they have reached a limit to wonder? Because a wonder is the rain he feels pouring down on him, and how all the lights down there are still working through all of it. A wonders is the warm hand landing on his bare shoulder. And Kendall lets his head hang, because he might find the strength and courage to cross those borders, and then that wonder won't be his anymore.
"You should come back inside."
Kendall shakes his head. He can't believe this guy right here, burying his face in Kendall's shoulder. Where the rain is resting and his body starts trembling all over. He's done terrible thing to this man, boy. And yet, he's still here, believing in a whole bunch of things Kendall gave up on a long time ago.
"This isn't right. You shouldn't still be here, you can't forgive me that easily, Logan. It's not supposed to work that way."
He feels Logan press his soft lips to the nape of his neck. It feels familiar, but at the same time it feels so wrong, so unreal. And it shouldn't, but he's had someone else's lips right there less than two weeks ago.
"Maybe it is supposed to work that way, Kendall. You make mistakes, you yell, you fight. And then you forgive."
There are tears and raindrops on his cheeks, truthfully, no one would be able to see the difference. But it doesn't matter, because one warm hand brushes them all away in one go. But Logan's not supposed to be forgiving. He should be screaming at him to leave, to go to hell, anything. He shouldn't be crouching down next to him, believing in him. He shouldn't want to start something Kendall pretty much ended the minute he took his clothes off for someone that wasn't Logan.
"I don't deserve you being this understanding. I don't deserve to be forgiven. If I can see that, why can't you?"
Logan wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him in so close, there's not an inch left between the two of them. And it shouldn't feel as comfortable when he leans in, pinches his hip and whispers to him.
"Maybe I don't deserve you."
Kendall find he's right. He doesn't deserve Kendall, he deserves better. Logan deserves to be happy. He should be spending his time with someone who doesn't run off to rooftops to just watch the world. Someone who avoids and postpones all his dreams, so that way he can't ever fail at making them come true. He says so too, as the rain starts to slow and the clouds make way for thousands of stars and a moon that brightens up the whole world.
"I am happy with you, Kendall. No matter what happened."
If anyone could see him now, he thinks. Twenty-one years old and he's got nothing going for him. Only messed up all the thing he swore he'd never ruin. Only sitting and waiting for a world that gave up on waiting for him such a long time ago.
"How can you be happy with me, Logan? I don't even know who I am, how I ended up here."
In the corner of his eye, he can see Logan turning his head to the city spread out in front of them. He's so beautiful, so real, natural. He wonders if he'll always stay that way, if he'll always keep believing in those thing he won't give up on. If he'll have faith in all those wonders Kendall can't seem to hold on to.
"Can I ask you something?"
He doesn't move an inch, stays the exact same way he is. His eyes locked on the outside, just like Kendall's have always been. And really, it makes him hate himself for running away so much. What if Logan has had so many questions before, but Kendall was always hiding? So of course Logan can ask him a question, he's got nowhere to run off to anymore.
"Why did you do it?"
Kendall has feared so many things in his life. So many silly things like monsters in his closet and mean boys in kindergarten, but he's always been afraid of the truth. He's always been scared of leaving his warm nest and risking everything. This time it's different. This time he already messed up so bad, the truth, honesty won't really change a thing anymore.
"Because I hated you for not giving me any directions. You kept telling me to find my own way, to do what I want, but I don't know what I want. I needed someone to push me in the right way, I needed someone to tell me what to do, and you didn't do that, Logan. Not once."
It's the first time he's even dared to look at Logan and, to his surprise, he's not looking back. His head is down and his arms are hanging loosely next to his body. And finally it seems as if he's given up. On hopes and dreams and Kendall.
"But someone else did?"
Kendall knows it's a question, but he can't will himself to find words to response. Besides, Logan already knows the answer anyway. He thinks of all the times Logan was the one he could run off to. When in need of someone who'd understand. When Logan was enough to smile at and to cry with. Enough to find millions of miracles in, somebody who won't ever be able to stop making him wonder. And his mind made up these scenarios of what would happen if all of that would have a limit someday too. And now he's reached that limit.
"You know, I'm not afraid anymore." Logan says, steady, confident. Kendall resents him sometimes. For having a plan, for having the ability to love Kendall, even after all the things he's done. Not just cheating, but taking up all his time, all his dreams and wishes, so that Kendall could plaster himself on Logan's mind. So there wouldn't be anything else he'd give his heart to besides Kendall.
"I was always pretty scared I'd lose you someday. That you would get so entangled in all the misery you claim there is, so stuck in all the hatred you feel for yourself, for everyone, that you'd just turn your back at everything and…Give up. And you did. You right here, telling me to walk away from you, that's giving up. But I didn't lose you. You wouldn't still be here if I lost you."
And then he stands up, and for a minute he's taller, bigger than Kendall ever was. See Logan finds chances and love, where Kendall finds nothing but agony. And maybe it's always been that way. Maybe, Logan will always be taller than Kendall. Will be able to just reach out to the stars, and Kendall will be jumping up and down, hanging at his feet, trying to catch up with him. It hurts Kendall but he can't change the fact that he won't ever be big enough. That he might've reached that limit to wonder himself, and that Logan's got a whole jar left of them.
"You can't push me away. It's not up to you to decide whether or not I should still love you. And really, Kendall. I don't see the use in you coming here. Just staring at this world you despise isn't going to change a thing if you just watch it all happen without actually daring to step into that world someday yourself. Everything you're running away from, Kendall, is in your head. It's not down there."
And then he turns and leaves. Finally. He doesn't know why, but he's relieved, somewhat it's like he can breathe again after holding it for months and months on end. Maybe Logan will be better of now that there's no one holding him back, clinging to him for security and comfort and seeking it with someone else the minute Logan needed to take a break from Kendall's constant fear of losing himself. After all, Logan needed to take a breath too. And he was so wrong to go and steal someone else's when Logan did finally breathe. The world is so quiet now, and he's afraid to step forward and sneak a peek at what he's missing. But eventually he looks, because Logan's somewhere down there too now, far away from Kendall and all he's done. And he sees people laughing, and smiling and holding hands and, it's not really as terrifying as he thought it would be. Those people, that are faceless and lonely but mean so much. So much more than he ever understood. He sees a child run toward his mother and suddenly everything seems so much closer than all those times before. Because even though he's right here, overlooking all the things he's missing out on, he belongs there too. And for the first time in years, he realizes that even though he never faced the angry storm out there, ever. Logan's gone, and so he lost himself, anyway. And across these borders, there is a whole world, and he's the one who never realized it. See maybe there is a limit to wonder, and maybe there will be an end for everyone someday. But there's such a beautiful wonder happening right there, all the people happily continuing their walk to wherever. And he so desperately wants to be a part of that. Of that walk. He wants to live. And he wants to lose himself.
He wants to be a wonder.
So he gets up too. After hours of sitting and waiting for something he needed to make happen himself. He follows the stairs to the apartment complex, away from that damn rooftop that taught him so much and taught him nothing at all. He takes the elevator and presses the '5' button, waits for the ding and walks all the way to the sixth door on the right. And that's where he starts his walk, his life all over again. When tears fall from his eyes, and Logan is still there. Sitting on the couch. And he sits down next to him, doesn't touch him, but is sincere when he talks, when he creates something he was always so sure of would extinct.
"I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to lose me. I want to spend my whole life on this couch right here, with you. But I won't. I can't because I want to see this world out there. I want that world to see me. And I'm going to fall down so much, but I need you to help me believe that I can get up. Always. I want you, Logan. Forever, right here. I want to see the sun setting and know that it's rising somewhere else, because that's a wonder. I want to meet all the people I despise, but resent so much. And I'm faceless. I don't want to be faceless, Logan. And I'm so, so sorry for pushing you away after what I did, but I need you. Please, just please, help me be someone."
There's lips on his lips and arms around his waist, and there's hope. So much hope for him to believe the world is worth so much more than just watching it pass by like a train until there's no single way to get on board anymore. And it's like everything is finally righted. The puzzle pieces actually fit in this big picture he has no other choice but to call life. And even if people might destroy themselves someday, everything is so beautiful. So pure and so real. And so is Logan, who is crying too, and Kendall is and asshole for making someone who wants to remain right here, walk away, but no more. No more lies, no more hiding behind skyscrapers and lakes and so much hopes and dreams he will pursue now. He's not walking anywhere without Logan holding his hand through it all, like he is right now.
"You're the most amazing thing in my life. Do you know that, Logan?"
They laugh and they cry and they've been in the dark for so long. It feels like he's been stuck in this maze, and then there's Logan. Shining his light on him and showing him the way to the outside, the big, scary world, that now that he has someone to share it with, isn't all that scary anymore.
"You just need to embrace the fact that I won't leave you out here all by yourself, Kendall. I don't care what you've done, or where you have been before. You're here now, aren't you?"
And outside the stars cover a black canvas and make it so much more mesmerizing than it was twenty minutes ago. And Logan points towards it, and at the same time grabs his hand, makes him watch. Finally.
"Look at the world, Kendall. Really look. If you see it, it sees you. And then everything becomes a wonder. Even me. Even you."
And Logan's right. Always has been. They cuddle up on the couch and after such a long, exhausting night, they finally watch the sun cover up the moon and a new day begins. It seems that summer has returned to old Minnesota and everything is brighter than it was all these years before. And a whole new world opens up for Kendall, for them to explore. Together.
And yeah, it is kind of wonderful.
There we go! guys, let's try something new, post your absolute favorite part of this down in the reviews! it can be a whole paragraph, or a sentence, I don't care, just do it!
love you all! 3