Alone
Severus Snape was deep in thought. He was laid on his back in a secluded spot by the Black Lake, feeling the gentle tickle of the grass as he ran his hands through it in a state of absentmindedness. A cool breeze glided over him, rustling his long and unwashed hair. The sky was bluer than he'd ever seen it before, and he counted the clouds that hung lazily above him. It was a perfect summer's day, and although he was feeling refreshed, he was not feeling content.
Severus' eyelids fluttered close. The sun was warm on his face, and he breathed in deeply. Starting at ten, he began to count down. He'd only gotten to six when he felt the warmth leave his face, suddenly cast into darkness. Opening his eyes to glare at whoever it was who was blocking the sunlight, his grimace broke into a smile of relief. It was Regulus Black.
"What are you doing?" Regulus asked, with a bemused smile.
Severus sat up immediately and shrugged in response. "It helps keep me calm," he explained, feeling bashful.
Despite Regulus being a year younger than him, Severus still felt intimidated. The younger boy was far more confident than himself and far more handsome. Severus considered Regulus to be better in every way.
"And what is it that's stressing you out?" Regulus asked politely, taking a seat on the grass next to him.
Severus plucked some strands of grass from the ground and clutched them tightly, before releasing them into the wind. He watched as they were whisked out of sight, completely lost in thought.
Regulus waited patiently.
Eventually, Severus shrugged again. "Just exams, I guess…"
Regulus watched him with sympathy. "Your OWLs are nearly over, Sev, and you'll do great—you're top in almost all your classes."
"Not all of them," Severus replied bitterly, cradling his knees close to his chest in a defensive and sulky manner. Regulus was even more mature than him, he realised.
"Stop doing this to yourself," the younger boy commanded angrily. "There's nobody better than you at Potions."
Severus involuntarily tensed. Lily Evans was top of their Potions class, but he couldn't possibly speak her name, least of all to Regulus. "I wasn't talking about Potions," he informed him, tugging at the grass again so as to distract himself.
"Then what is it?" Regulus demanded, suddenly vicious. It was Severus' attitude that bothered him; it was the fact that this intelligent, amazing boy, couldn't see how truly brilliant he was. If only he could make Severus see himself through Regulus' eyes. He felt so helpless.
"Well, there's Transfiguration, and Defence Against the Dark Arts, and—"
"Defence Against the Dark Arts is a load of rubbish anyway!" Regulus interrupted. "All those things you said about joining the Dark Lord after Hogwarts—didn't you mean any of that?" he inquired, suddenly hurt.
Severus dropped the grass in his hand and turned to look Regulus in the eye. "No," he said sincerely, "I meant every word of it, I swear."
Regulus raised his eyebrows. "Then why on earth would you care about being good at defending dark magic, when in a few years' time we're going to be living it?"
Severus couldn't help but smile. "Well, yes, I suppose you're right," he admitted.
Regulus sat up straight, grinning proudly. "It's been known to happen on several occasions."
Severus let out a small laugh, before dropping his gaze to his feet and hugging his knees again.
"As for Transfiguration," Regulus went on, "tell me just who's better than you?"
Severus pursed his lips. He couldn't tell him; it was always a painful topic. "It doesn't matter," he said quickly, but Regulus' eyes were wide as he caught on.
"It's Potter, isn't it?" he asked indignantly.
Severus gave a meek nod.
"Let me guess—my delightful elder brother too?" Regulus' handsome face had morphed into one of hatred and disgust. Not that Severus could ever tell him, but it wasn't very flattering.
When Severus made no comment and continued to stare down at his shoes morosely, Regulus was filled with rage.
"There's more!" he cried, reading Severus' actions. "They're still bullying you, aren't they? Aren't they?" he demanded a second time.
"They don't bully me," Severus muttered. It made him sound so pathetic. And he hated that it felt like Regulus was telling him off—as though it was somehow Severus' fault that the so-called 'Marauders' always picked on him.
"You've got to start standing up to them," Regulus yelled. "Fight back!"
"You don't think I've tried?" Severus asked, glaring at Regulus. "It doesn't work. They're persistent and much quicker. Not to mention that there's four of them and only one of me."
"Let me help you then," Regulus pleaded. "I'm sure Lupin doesn't get involved, and Pettigrew hardly seems like much of a fight. So it's pretty much going to be two-on-two, and you've no idea how greatly I'd delight in cursing Sirius—then Potter's all yours!"
"No," Severus replied defiantly, "that can't happen."
"Why?" Regulus demanded, narrowing his eyes. "Don't you think I'm good enough to fight for you? Because let me tell you, though I may be a year younger, I'm twice the wizard that Sirius will ever be, I can assure you of that!"
Severus sighed. "No, you don't understand. It's not that I don't want you to help me, it's just that you can't, okay?"
"Why not?"
"Because think how it would look," he explained calmly. "If people see you helping me out then they'll… assume things." His pale, sallow cheeks were suddenly flushed with colour. It was embarrassing to talk about it so openly.
"You mean they'll assume the truth?" Regulus asked sarcastically.
Severus didn't reply.
"You don't want me to stand up to the people who are bullying you because you're scared they'll find out about us?"
"I'm not scared," Severus retaliated. "I just think it will give them even more of an excuse to attack me and mock me, especially considering that Sirius is your brother—he's going to take great delight in it all."
"I don't care what Sirius thinks—I don't care what anybody thinks. Why do you care about it all so much? Two months we've been dating, Severus—two months! You don't think people are starting to speculate already?"
"They—they are?" Severus asked quickly, his eyes wide with panic. "Who?" Who's speculating?"
His heart was racing. How could people possibly suspect that he and Regulus were in a relationship? Severus didn't have any friends. If somebody knew then they'd be sure to tell the whole school, and that would completely destroy his reputation. Not that his reputation was particularly worth much at the moment. If Potter and Black were already tormenting him, when they learnt of Severus' secret relationship with Sirius' brother, they were going to make his life an absolute living hell.
"You're ashamed of me," Regulus stated, ignoring his question. "Don't lie to me, Severus Snape—you're ashamed of me, and you're ashamed of what we have."
"Don't be ridiculous," Severus spat. "I'm not ashamed of us," he assured him, though every word was a lie.
He didn't care for Regulus nearly as much as the other boy did for him, but Severus was lacking in friends, and Regulus had been the only one to be interested in him. If he lost Regulus then he would have nobody; he would be completely alone. It was only through Regulus that he'd begun to meet several other Slytherins, their common interest being the Dark Arts. But if he lost Regulus then they'd never look at him again.
"If it's not shame then what is it?" Regulus pressed.
"What's what?" Severus asked impatiently.
"Don't play dumb with me. This relationship is breaking down because of you, and if it isn't because you're ashamed of me then it must be something else. So what is it?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Is it Lily Evans then?" Regulus taunted.
Severus winced.
"Do you still have that pathetic crush on her?"
"No," he hurriedly denied, avoiding Regulus' gaze.
"I think you're lying," Regulus went on, no hint of mercy. "Haven't you forgotten that she hates you now? Haven't you realised that she's nothing more than a pathetic little Mudblood?"
"Stop," Severus growled, longing for nothing more than to pull out his wand and hex Regulus until he bled.
The younger boy only looked satisfied with Severus' response. "You need to stop denying things to me, Severus," he said darkly, "or maybe you need to stop denying things to yourself. Perhaps you just need to learn how to grow up and stop acting so spineless." His tone was as cold as his heartless attitude. And then he burst into laughter.
It was a cruel, merciless laugh, which completely threw off Severus. He didn't know how to act about this sudden, unexpected action. After sitting there uncomfortably whilst Regulus continued to roar with laughter, the latter eventually sighed and settled into a grin, his eyes shining with some unknown amusement.
"What are you smiling about?" Severus demanded, beginning to wonder if the whole argument had been a joke.
"I'm just thinking about how incredibly stupid and pathetic you are."
Severus choked on his breath, confused by Regulus' suddenly hostile turn. A prickle of tears threatened, but he ignored it. It was one thing when the Marauders hurled abuse at him, but with Regulus, it was like a knife had been plunged into his stomach. "When I walk away from you, you'll have absolutely nobody left. Not a single person. Nobody to love… Nobody to love you in return."
"And what makes you think you'll walk away as anything other than a mere reflection of me?" Severus questioned furiously.
But Regulus was still smiling; It was unnerving. "Why would I?"
"Because you'll be ruined. Don't think for a second that I won't tell anybody about us. I've got nothing to lose, after all. But you? You've got everything to lose. Your reputation will be destroyed, and all your friends will leave you too."
Severus felt proud, in that moment, of how manipulative and controlling he was coming across. It felt nice to have the power for once. Regulus was completely at his mercy. But why was he still smiling?
"Interesting idea," Regulus mused, "though very flawed. Because here's the thing—nobody will ever believe you."
"And why not?" Severus demanded.
"Well, firstly, I'll deny it. And nobody's going to believe you, over me. And secondly—Alice."
"Alice?" Severus asked, thoroughly confused.
"Alice from my Herbology class," Regulus explained.
"Alice from Gryffindor?"
Regulus nodded.
"But what's she got to do with anything?"
"Well, I've been seeing her for the past five weeks."
Severus let the words sink in. "But—but we've been dating for the past two months!" he protested.
Regulus looked exceedingly amused. "I wasn't going to let people speculate about you and me—I used Alice as a backup plan so that others wouldn't get too suspicious. Although, as it turns out, she's far more interesting than I'd previously thought."
"But why didn't you tell me that you were pretending to date her?"
"Because, after a while, I stopped pretending."
Severus didn't know why he felt so hurt. After all, he'd never felt that interested in Regulus Black—he was merely a way for him to get over Lily. Not that that was ever likely to happen. "Then why didn't you end things with me?" he whispered, his voice oddly hoarse.
"Because I felt bad for you," Regulus admitted. "I certainly considered it. Alice is far more into me than you ever seemed to be, and I was getting bored with all your constant whining. But you were so alone, and, despite everything, I didn't want to abandon you."
"Well, forget about it," Severus spat. "I don't need you anyway."
"Don't try and act like you're the one who's ending things. If it weren't for Alice then you'd still be clinging to me like the pathetic mess that you are. But if it's all settled, then I guess it's over."
Regulus stood up with easy confidence and brushed the grass from his robes. "I'd still forgive you, Sev," he told him seriously.
Severus ignored him, resorting to ripping the grass out of the ground again.
"There's no reason why you and Alice shouldn't share me."
"I've no interest in sharing you," Severus replied stiffly. "It's belittling that you would do such a thing to me. It's either me or her—no in-between."
Regulus seemed to consider it for the briefest of moments, before turning and walking away from the greasy-haired boy in silence. Just before he was out of earshot, he turned back to yell at him, with a wicked grin plastered on his face. "Alice is twice the girlfriend you'll ever be, Snivellus."
Severus raked his hands through the dirt in fury. Regulus hadn't meant much to him, but he had been all he had since he'd lost Lily. And she too had referred to him as 'Snivellus' in her final words to him.
She'd never referred to him as a girl before though.
There was no sorrow to be found within the boy, only anger and hatred, and a burning pain that he couldn't erase—an intense loathing for the Marauders, Regulus, and now Alice. Feeling defeated, Severus slumped down onto his back in order to stare up at the sky. The clouds that had been so white and pristine only moments ago, were now dark, ominously looming over him.
As the first few raindrops fell from the sky and spattered his pale face, that's when Severus began his backwards counting.
Originally written for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition, Season 1—Round 7 (on behalf of Chaser 3)
Team: Wigtown Wanderers
Position: Chaser 3
Pairing: Regulus Black/Severus Snape
Additional Prompts: Counting Backwards, Dialogue: "What are you smiling about?" and Clouds