1. Give away ALL of Alice's clothes and tell her that I was only helping those less fortunate than us when she gets mad. Then when she say's I'm lying, make her feel bad about all the money she spend and show her a picture of dirty African kids.
2. Tell Rose she ugly.
3. Buy Jacob some mouth was, tell him he has terrible doggy breath.
4. Tell Alice that Edward wants to go shopping with her, then sit back and watch her yell at him for leading her on when he refuses.
5. Ask Carlisle to explain puberty, after he explains ask him when will he hit puberty. (note: remind him of how old he is).
6. Tell Esme you're going cliff diving and ask her if she wants to come.
7. Get Carlisle a T-shirt that says "Dr. Vamp A.K.A Pimp Daddy".
8. For Christmas get Rose a mirror and tell her to try her best not to break this one.
9. Get Rose a talking mirror that only gives insults.
10. For Jasper's birthday get him a dieting book for vampires; How to be a Vamp-tarian
11. Give Alice a crystal ball and a cape.
12. Embarrass Bella in public and make her blush until she almost looks human again.
13. Tell Edward and Bella you think they should give Nessie "The Talk" before things get more serious between her and the dog (indicate that you think they are having sex). When they're getting ready to kill Jacob, get popcorn and offer everyone some.
14. For Halloween make everyone dress up as werewolves and make Jacob and the other wolves dress up as vampires. (Let everyone go trick or treating in these costumes)
15. Paint Edward and Jaspers car hot pink!
16. Run around yelling "OMG, watermelons are boars without legs!"
Note: don't say it while Jasper's around, he might call the loony house.