Title: You Can Plan On Me

Author: Nightshade sydneylover150

Beta: Charcoal1

Series: STR

Rating: PG-13 for Jim's mouth

Length:

Warning: Jim's occasional potty mouth

Summary: Jim has difficulty writing his speech for Pike's memorial, but he cannot keep his mind focused this close to the holidays.

J/S/J/S/J/S

Jim had been staring at the old fashion keyboard and the computer screen for what seemed like forever. He had been attempting to write his speech for Pike's memorial for days, but he had yet to dictate or write a single word that he had not scraped. Everything he dictated or had wrotoe on his data pads sounded contrite and insincere at best. Earlier in the evening, Jim had decided to switch to his standby, a good old fashioned HP laptop that he had rebuilt using pre-WWIII computer parts and old computer manuals he had found at Riverside's old Public Library. Jim had of course made modifications to increase the old girl's processer speed and memory capability, but for the most part, Jim's laptop was a near perfect replica (on the outside) of what the computer would have been like in 2013.

But Jim was digressing and allowing his thoughts get away from him. He needed to focus and to complete the speech before he had to return to Iowa to prepare for the estate sale at the old farmhouse. However Jim realized as he stared at the computer screen that he had way too much on his mind to write a decent speech for Chris' memorial. The Enterprise's captain kept thinking about everything that had happened in the past two years with Khan, Pike, the Enterprise, his mother, the upcoming holidays, and, perhaps oddly, Spock.

Jim's mind kept replaying how despondent Spock had looked when he had knelt outside of the warp core's emergency door as Jim died. Jim could remember thinking to himself as he began to lose consciousness as the radiation poisoning slowly killed him that he had never wanted to be one of the people in Spock's life to put that look of utter devastation on the Vulcan's face. Spock had had that same look on his face when he lost both his mother and his home planet that terrible day. Jim could just picture that look of utter and total devastation and terror when Spock had been beamed back up with the Vulcan elders from Vulcan's crumbling surface with the Vulcan without his mother. Jim never wanted Spock, even in Jim's darkest and most angry moments, to ever feel or look that way again.

But he had because of Jim. Jim felt so ashamed that he was the person to put that look on Spock's face. Spock had known enough pain in his life. He didn't deserve to have anything else ripped away from him; not after he lost his mother and his planet.

As Jim glazed at the clock and calendar on his laptop's display, Jim realized that the anniversary of that day was coming up and it was right smack dab in the middle of the Human holiday season… And Spock was going to be alone with his eidetic memory replaying that day as the rest of Starfleet and humanity bought holiday gifts.

As Jim stared at the laptop keyboard, Jim truly realized that he was never going to be able to write a word of his speech unless he sorted out his own head.

Grabbing a sheet of old fashioned writing paper off of the desk in front of him, Jim placed the paper over the antique computer screen where an old fashioned Word document sat opened with its cursor blinking steadily. Jim moved his hands onto the keyboard, allowing himself a second to gently run his fingers over the worn keys before he settled his hands in the proper old-fashioned typing position.

My old shrink would be so proud. Jim thought to himself as he just began to type. She'd have a heart attack if she ever realized that I had actually paid attention during our sessions to the techniques she had tried to teach me.

Then he began to type whatever came to his head. Like his therapist said, it didn't matter what he wrote at the moment, just that he was writing. Editing would happen later. The only thing that mattered at the moment was that he was allowing the words to flow.

J/S/J/S/J/S

The one thing about the holiday season that Jim hadalways hated was that people assumed that Jim had a home or a family to spend the holidays with during the "gay old merry season." Actually, if he was to be honest with himself (and he was trying hard to do just that), it was probably less that people were making assumptions about him and more that other humans actually assumed that his mother actually cared enough to engage with Jim when she was alive in the first place that rankled Jim. If one more crew member, Starfleet officer, and/or reported made any further comments about that...

Never mind, Jim decided. I'm not going to go there. That's their problem for making assumptions, not mine.

Jim had learned early on that he was not important to his mother in the grander scheme of things. He was just there. Jim realized early in his life that he was, more often than not, a constant reminder that Winona's husband was dead and she hadn't been allowed to die with him.

And Sam… it was best not to talk about Sam. George Samuel Kirk had not been shy about telling Jim that he believed that Jim should have died in utero.

However, the holidays did provide Jim one thing that he greatly enjoyed. Music. Lots of it. It was everywhere and it was inspiring. Holiday music showed the true complexity of the race that had created it. Holiday music reflected not only the joy and merriment of the holidays, but also the desperation, sadness, loneliness, and perseverance of the people who celebrated them.

Today Jim was look for those emotions personified in music. For that reason, Jim was fighting his way through the Black Friday holiday shoppers on his quest to find those complex musical reflections of the holidays. His fight led him to have to plow his way through the local stores to find the pieces of music that he sought in the retro music shops and local box stores. Granted, it would have been so much easier for Jim to just download the music he wanted from the intergalactic web, but there was something to be said about the thrill and rush one got from knocking elbows with his fellow humans (and a few aliens) as everyone fought to obtain the prizes each one sought on this busy shopping day.

Not that Jim was ever going to admit that he liked Black Friday shopping… ever. If anyone asked, he was just doing this to give his First Officer a truer taste of the holiday season and to gift of the complex music that was an integral part of the experience. Maybe he'd even admit to wanting to allow Spock to re-associate the human holiday season with positive memories rather than the ones his friend had gained in the last two years.

At least that was Jim kept telling himself. I know I'm great at lying to myself when I'm attempting to avoid the uncomfortable.

In reality, Jim had written during his self-directed therapy session that had driven him to go on his current quest. Jim realized that Spock had dealt with a ton of shit within the last few years, even before Jim got himself killed.

However, it was only after reading his "journal entry/unsent letter" that Jim began to understand truly how much Spock had given to Earth, Starfleet, and Jim himself while the half-Vulcan never received anything in return.

Jim was determined to show Spock how grateful he was for having the half-Vulcan in his life. Even if the asshole was determined to drive him batty half of the time.

Well, they never said friendship was easy, Jim thought as he dodged Old Man Keller's right elbow as the elderly man attempted to get a box load of holo discs off of the store's upper shelves.

After dodging a few more locals' attempts to obtain items out of their reach (and stopping to help what seemed like all of Riverside's elderly population reach their desired holiday purchases), the Enterprise's captain finally managed to reach the store's music section where, according to the local net, Jim would be able to get the piece of music that would complete Jim's gift to Spock.

Jim had been hunting for this song all day. It was the one song that Jim wanted to include the most on his "mixed tape" to Spock as Jim believed the song truly embodied the message and the sentiment that Jim wanted to impart to his friend.

Now, hopefully, Spock would be willing to listen with an open mind before he deemed the entire gift to be "illogical."

S/J/S/J/S/J

Spock was surprised when he received a present from his Captain. Jim was supposed to be in his home state of Iowa according to the reports Spock had received from Dr. McCoy. The doctor had stated that Jim had "some unfinished business that needed to be attended to" in his hometown and "it is none of your goddamn business you hobgoblin what Jim was doing there."

Spock had logically assumed that his captain was visiting his family for the Terran holiday. When Spock had vocalized these thoughts to the cantankerous doctor, the man had merely snorted before muttering "God save me from ignoramuses, I'm a doctor, not a peer counselor." The Vulcan was uncertain what the Terran healer had meant by that comment, as Spock was neither ignorant nor stupid.

Whatever the voodoo practicing charlatan had meant, his words did not matter to Spock as the outcome remained the same. Two point five days prior to the current stardate, Spock's friend had left San Francisco to return to his hometown without any warning or reason for his departure and had, for an unknown reason, decided to send Spock a random package through the Terran mail.

Curious.

Carefully, Spock opened the brown paper package and the box that lay underneath the paper. (A waste of resources, Spock could not help thinking in a very Vulcan like manner.) Inside the box, Spock found a set of 3 discs that looked like they had been created in an unprofessional setting and perhaps by illegal means. Tucked between the discs and the side of the box was a folded note.

The message on the outside of the note was simple, "listen to the holo discs before you open."

Spock took the discs out of the box and examined them thoroughly to ensure that his Captain had not left anything to "prank" Spock. Jim, for all of his strengths, was frequently immature and illogical even for a human.

However, the Vulcan did not find anything nefarious about and/or on the disc cases or on the discs themselves.

After his careful observation, Spock deemed it safe to take the discs over to his apartment's sound system, Spock placed the disc that Jim had labeled "disc one" in the disc reader.

"Hi Spock, if you are listening to this, it means I've went through with my plan to send this to you. I suspect that you will find this terribly illogical, but I ask you to bear with me and listen to this entire set of discs before you pull out your traditional poo-pooing of human traditions. Can you do that for me buddy?"

Spock stared at the 2 full disc cases and the one empty disc case weighing his options. He did not have any pressing engagements and/or meetings he needed to attend. He estimated there was perhaps 5 to 7 hours worth of content on the discs. He believed he could withhold judgment until he completed his assignment from his commanding officer and friend.

"Now that you have agreed, please just listen to the songs I've put on these discs. After you finish, please feel free to read the letter I've included in the package."

So Spock listened. He listened for hours as the music played. Some songs were extremely illogical, some were what humans would classify as "heart wrenching," and others were concise and straight forward. One song kept being repeated over and over in what Jim had labeled as his "mixed tape" to Spock. Its meaning seemed to be a theme of the gift, but Spock could not identify why a person saying they were coming home for a Terran holiday would be so important, however the song was fascinating.

Two hours later, Spock had finished listening to all of the discs content without his usual "poo-pooing." It was only then that Spock allowed himself pick up the unopened note. For some illogical and unknown reason, Spock opened the note slowly.

Dear Spock,

I wanted to give you something after all you have done for me over the past 2 years. I know we had a rough start, okay that is putting it mildly, but I realized after doing some self-reflection that you are one of the most important people in my life. I wanted you to know that I appreciate you and all that you have done for me. In the last two years I've come to consider you one of my closest, if not absolutely closest, friend. Before I went home to go through my mom's worldly possessions to get them ready for resale and while I was desperately trying to write my memorial speech for Pike, I realized we (Earth, Starfleet, me) never really thanked you for all that you have done for us. You chose to help us when you had lost everything. That's really powerful man. And there is no magic words that will ever express how deeply appreciative I am of you.

Be safe Spock. Hopefully you have enjoyed the songs I sent you, even if you deem them to be illogical. And yes, I know, Vulcans do not "enjoy" anything. However, I get the sense that maybe "half" Vulcans born to awesome, brave, and kickass human women might.

Perhaps next time I see you, you will have figured out why I sent you the songs I did and what meaning that "fascinating" song that kept repeating meant.

Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Happy Holidays Spock,

Jim

PS- If you're bored, you're welcome to come out here to Iowa. I would love to see a friend.

It seemed to Spock that he had a lot of researching to do and a transport to catch.

The End