A/N- So, this is one of my faveourite entries for my Divergent one-shot contest from Oreo-ism. Very emotional and just awesome. I recomend you check her out.
I don't own the characters of Divergent, and this story plot and begining is from Oreo-ism.
I am destroyed. I am displaced. I am everywhere and everything I shouldn't be, but I am. What's worse is that she, Tris, is just like me. Destroyed, displaced, and everything and everywhere she shouldn't be either. But she is.
The curtains confine me within the same room as hers. The same empty room that breathes only death. I stare up at the wall, tears threatening to prickle my eyes as the sourness builds between them. The hospital grey, even for a place as lively as Dauntless, makes it feel more solitary. More... Lifeless. I stare at the wall as if willing the grey paint to tear away, but I know that all I'm doing is escaping this reality.
I remember Christina outside, hugging her stomach so tightly that it hurt to even look. Her face had been stained with so many tears, a look that wore her down until she seemed brittle. And Four. His eyes had been so swollen with tears that it didn't look like him anymore. All that I'd seen was a mere human being, no strength or no bravery whatsoever, too lost in the moment to care about pride.
I guess that is what heartbreak does to you. And I guess that is what I am trying to hide from. But I'm already here, just one look away from tackling reality and feel it recoil at me.
Grief works like that. We try to evade it but we can't. We try to plug it but all it does is tear the hole wide open, wider than before. We try to heal it, but it's impossible. So, what is left is to take a moment to remember the people we used to be. The person she used to be. To take a moment to imprint the lines on her face when she smiles, or to keep in fresh memory those twenty seconds of insane bravery, through the nervousness, it took for her, a Stiff, to jump seven stories and ride a steep zip line.
To remember her as the person she has made herself to be over the last few months, never forgetting the Abnegation she had been before.
Inhaling deeply, and almost choking on a sob that undoubtedly bubbles from my chest, I look down at her. Tris, the beautiful girl that is as courageous as she is selfless. That is as strong as she is weak. The only person that can ever evoke such beauty from contrasting factors, to make it become something magnificent that shines in her character. Now, I can't believe she's gone.
Her eyes are closed, and her cheeks are sullen. I can understand why they cry when they see her, because I can't keep it in either. The perfectly round hole under her chin is obvious, a ring of blood that screams suicide like a fire alarm. I can't look at it, because it hurts too much. Instead, I hold on to her limp, bloodless hand, fingers still frozen the way she held the gun that killed her, and I touch my lips to it.
"Why, Tris?" But she can't answer. She is at peace in wherever she is, with her parents, and Will, and Al. Tears fall, and I can't stop it, as the increasingly violent sobs wrack my body numb. This is her act of defiance, her silent call for help that has come too late, and is the only side of selfish that I will ever get to see.
And now I'm filled with regret. Regret for never telling her how I felt. Regret for never being there when I obviously should have. Regret for not being able to stop her from taking her life, because of all the lives she took herself. Regret for every single thing I may have been able to do to stop this from happening.
The tears keep coming and I don't want them to stop. To have them stop is like... I no longer care. But that isn't entirely true. I can't cry my whole life. But then I look at the hole she made and I realize; maybe I could. I could end it now and I'd have been crying for my whole life and remembering her my whole life no matter how shrt it is...
No. I can't. I can't kill myself now. Tris had so much to live for, and yet, she felt as if there was nothing. I have to live so that I can live the life Tris was to afraid to. Too afraid to do because of the guilt and the pressure and the never ending drama that is life. No. I will live, because she can't.
I take the hand I have been holding so carefully, as if it were porcelain and could break at any moment, and I place it across her chest. I bend down and kiss her cold lifeless lips, wishing that this were like the fairytales my mother used to read to me where all that was needed for the princess to come back was a kiss from Prince Charming. Wishing that I could've been her Prince Charming, at least once. Wishing that Tris could've been my princess. But this isn't a fairytale, and this isn't some sick joke, Tris is gone. She is really gone.
"Uri." Her voice behind me is so quiet I almost don't hear it. But I do, and it means it's time to leave. It means I need to move on. It means that sometime, somewhere, I will find love again. God, such a small word can mean so much, and yet so little. Because I can't. I know I can't do any of those things. I can't leave her, not like this. I can't move on, she's Tris. Her death will always haunt me, just as I'm sure Will's and Al's and her parents' deaths haunted her. And I know, I know, I will never love again.
"Uriah." Her hand is now on my shoulder and as much as I want to shrug it off and tell her to get lost, I can't. I can't because it's a small bit of comfort in a sea of pain. "Uriah, it's time to go."
I squeeze her hand one last time. Before I turn and numbly follow Marlene out. When I'm out, I see Christina's look of understanding, I see Four's look of guilt, but I don't see any of it. I left my heart in there. I left my soul, I left my everything with her, with Tris.
A/N- So what did you think? Please leave a review and check Oreo-ism out :) I will be posting more stories from my contest so be on the lookout :) And you can still enter your piece! Read the last A/N on chapter 11 of What About Me. LOVE YA, BYE-BYE!