Hello, me again! So, things are still pretty bad on fanfiction. Not "OMG APOCALYPSE" bad, but some stories are appalling, really. Some just aren't even TRYING anymore. There are some that are trying but just can't get to grips to make their story good. SO, to try to help out, I'm going to try to write a series of lessons for writing noobs, basically those people out there posting stories and just not finding they're getting the attention they deserve, or those that are just generally BAD at writing.

I will try my best! I will probably post fairly late when it comes to about the end of September as I will start my University placement and shall be working and partying and LIVING. I'm actually taking a Creative Writing course, so I will be able to get better advice and, hopefully, be able to explain better to you about how to solve some problems. Call this like a show where you just call about your problem and they give you advice, that sort of thing.

I'm not the nicest of people, as you can probably tell. The eerie voice in the background there? That's probably me. Yeah, a freak, aren't I? :D that's ok, because I don't care xD

I hope this helps and please, don't be hesitant to drop off a review with any thoughts/questions!

Also don't hesitate to let me know there's a typo anywhere. I have a horrible habit of doing that, just FYI. Spellchecker does not have sense and therefore doesn't pick up all of them and I write pretty fast in excitement.

EDIT (23/10/2011): Alright, regarding reviews; many have told me that they're appalled that I've put Twilight into this fic. I assumed I had written Twilight as a successful book, and this is not a lie, Twilight IS a successful book, it does what it's meant to despite it's lack of logic, doesn't mean it's a good book. There's a difference, remember! I assumed I put down that Twilight is a good book (it isn't really, I've read them all and if you're having a cba day, it's an alright read) but I can't find it. I've checked, double checked and searched. NOTHING COMING UP GUYS. Inform me if I have done something like this and I will correct it, if so!

Another regarding the concern about the 'voice' in here. The 'narrator' but not, I guess you could say. My usual writing is sometimes sadistic and, yes, this will show in my writing and it's going to be very hard to fix this. I will try my best, but keep note that it's only ME that's doing this. Nobody else, I'm by myself, a lone soldier. I may get tips from my friends who are also doing the same course as me in university, but otherwise I'm the only one writing this. Keep in mind that I'm doing this FOR FREE. Yes, FREE. I will try to reference from books and my lecturers if I deem it useful and I may have a private chat with my personal tutor if I really need some help with writing tips down (you can give a hand too, if you'd like and are confident enough! I'd love it!) but otherwise I'm doing this for free and expect nothing in return except a better fanfiction world. Just hope this work pays off.

Oh yes, better give BlackGhettoGurl a round of applause for killing my writing spirit and soul. Another My Immortal been done. If you're wondering why I might seem a bit OH MY GOD in the next few updates (maybe) it's her fault. Want to know why? Try finding the story with the i.d. of: 7456326 Be Warned. Your soul might not survive.

Lesson #1; Introduction

Instead of chilling out and laughing in glee at writing a story that will make you popular, you find yourself behind a desk, sitting on a chair, with a notebook on the table and a pen in your hand. Why did this happen, you might ask? You were about to write a story that would be the making of greatness! A story copied from another that will get attention because the other did, why shouldn't this be the same?

"Right, you incompetent lot!" A voice startles you from your thoughts. Looking up, you see a man dressed in a military outfit with a riding whip in hand and black gloves. A military man that rode horses? That was a new feat. Looking around, you notice you're not the only one in the room, but most were girls. This was definitely a classroom, but you could see nothing but the sky outside the window when you try to look, bright blue skies with a few clouds, but not the sun. The door seemed to show a corridor, but there were no sounds of anyone outside and there weren't lights on out in the corridor, but with it being about midday, there was no need for lights to be on.

You turn back to the military man and try to get a word out on what the Christ was going on, but the man continues speaking quickly with the words being spat out, impossible to ignore; "You are here today because I've recently been spying around on Fanfiction and have discovered that your efforts on writing a story are absolutely abysmal!" He smacked the whip on the table, startling everyone in the room. "I will not tolerate having my language being desecrated any longer! On behalf of the many people of Fanfiction who pride grammar like a delicate jewel, I shall train you in the ways of writing a good and, at least, acceptable story!"

You're so shocked to be hearing about this, about somebody actually taking language to this extreme. I mean, language was just a language, wasn't it? What harm could it do to mess up a few times and not heed others' words a few times? It didn't matter, right?

The military man, apparently teacher and a very scary one at that, slammed the riding whip on the table, snapping everyone out of their inner turmoil and brooding. This was quite frightening, having no idea why you're really here and to learn you're not the only one makes you wonder. Was this a secret organization? It seemed ludicrous, being in the real world, but what else could it have been? A gang, maybe? A gang of grammar nazi's intent on making the world perfect? That seemed very unlikely. But what if it was?

"Now then! T'is true, not a single story is perfect. Perfection is just that impossibility that nobody can reach, but what everyone strives to find. That's not the case here, the case is and the point of this all is that your stories are just simply not even reaching average, bearable levels. Basically meaning; they are unbearable. A few spelling mistakes are fine, people can correct you and you can change it if there are just a few mistakes. It's when it gets to unreasonable levels that people start complaining and try to leave." The teacher turned around to face the whole class, you included. He stares at each and every one of you, never looking at a person longer than the other, measuring the length of time he stares at almost equally, so much so that it's frightening. He sighs, as if bothered about something.

"My name is Arthur Kirkland, your teacher for the next few months on trying to get you to improve on your writing skills to, at least, write something that is bearable to look at. As an added note, you shall call me Mr Kirkland, nothing more, nothing less." After taking out a piece of chalk from the drawer of his desk, Mr Kirkland turned to the chalk board (teachers still used those?) and began writing, the chalk making an unforgiving screech as it was dragged across the brutal surface, a mark of white being dragged in many directions to form letters, letters that made words and words that made sentences. Written down, once done and after you had recovered from the unexpected white noise, needed to create the white letters, was the name "Mr Arthur Kirkland", then just below that was the word "Introduction.". What were you doing, again? Do you even remember?

"Now, an introduction is needed at hand! You don't seem to understand how important language is. Not just good language, but language overall. Most take language for granted, they have a voice, they can use it and you use it all the time. I ask this now, where would you be without language? Where would you be if we couldn't talk, had no language to communicate with?"

You reason with yourself, you always have sign language, don't you? People that can't speak, mutes and deaf people, use them. You could surely learn if you put your mind to it, if you had no other choice.

Mr Kirkland seems to snort. You look back up, wondering what he was thinking. It could've been anything; he looked like the type to go wild, if he was left alone to do so. That's another thing; Arthur Kirkland is, so far, the only one that seems to be here. Were there other teachers? Other people who had been abducted in the night and forced into this pathetic schooling of grammar and spelling?

You aren't left alone to wonder much longer, as Kirkland slams his riding whip on the table, once again. It's a miracle, you exclaim in your head, that the table had survived that long if it had been abused that long with that riding whip built for horses.

"Here's the thing, sign language is developed from the letters of the English language. Without the English language, there is no sign language. Each sign language is different, depending on whether they spell out a word, letter by letter, or if they do the imagery of the word. Either one requires the use of the English language to help them. Or even a language at all, depending on their language. If language didn't exist, how would we communicate?"

That was true and a good question. If language hadn't existed, how would you be able to ask for things. If you wanted a puppy, how would you ask for it? What about your favourite food, how could you ask without a language? You hear that even the most primal of humans that live today have some form of language, so not even the most wild of humans could survive without language, because they need it. How could you survive, what would it be like?

Hell, probably.

"Now, animals have many unique different ways of communicating, it could always be possible that we develop that language from animals. But how would that fit for us, the top of the food chain? The masters of the planet, how would you feel if you had to communicate the same way as a dog would, with mere movements of the ears, tail and legs?" You don't like the sound of that, do you? Would you like communicating the same way as a dog, not sure that they are going to notice your signals or what you're trying to tell them? Not efficient, really, is it?

"That's why we should appreciate the language we are given! We should treat it with respect! It doesn't matter if you make a few mistakes, a couple in a chapter are fine so long as you correct it later, but if there are constant mistakes being made and they are the same ones and simple, easy ones. Imagine now, you try to imagine a TV soap drama show, like Eastenders or Coronation Street, or whatever you people watch these days. Imagine that this woman in the show keeps doing the same mistake, say, for example, a woman keeps going back to the man that is going to hurt her feelings over and over, yet because love is blind, she keeps going back to him, even though she's clearly being used." That frustrates you, doesn't it? You see it happening loads, the same thing happening again and again and it keeps happening and it's obvious it's there.

"That's what it's like to people who appreciate spelling and grammar. They see it happen time and time again. Maybe different authors do it, but it still happens nonetheless. Eastenders isn't written by one person, now is it? What makes that the same mistakes being made by many of the authors of Fanfiction make any difference whatsoever? Because you're not famous? Does being famous mean that you get a comfier, more private life? In a way, yes, but on the internet, there are no famous people, you're all the same and out in the publishing world, being famous doesn't make a sodding difference." You can clearly see that Kirkland had put much thought behind his words, because you can't even come up with a reasonable response to fight back with. Yes, indeed, what did give you the right to bitch about how others had told you that your work was rubbish, cliché and, being honest, bland?

You remember that review? That review was blunt, but honest. What if that was how the person taught? The person was helpful; at least, they gave tips on how to get better and told you how you got it wrong. That's being helpful, wasn't it? I wonder if you feel bad for shouting back at the person, telling them to fuck off because they were brutally honest. Do you? Do you, really? He or she was just trying to help in the way they knew. They had seen the same mistakes over and over, did it really make a difference to them who it actually was, because they've been trying to spread advice all around and got pissed off halfway through and became snappy? The answer was no, it didn't. If your story wasn't good enough, the people would let you know that, and that person did. She probably did the most courageous thing, telling you that she didn't agree with your story instead of the simple review of "that was good!" What great use could you have of a simple message of "that was good!" really?

"Now," Mr Kirkland began again, having left that note on and the silence seemed to drag on as nobody could protest against his reasoning. "I will make it my duty to help you improve by giving you writers a few tips on what to do and what not to do, how to help write better, make more efficient time with your writing time and how to make your story stand out!" Mr Kirkland sat down and grinned, waiting for the hands and shouts and replies to come forth. "Now, come tell me your troubles you spot, the troubles you seek some assistance with, and I will try to be of help, to the best of my abilities."

He lets you ponder on that, before you raise your hand, a question buzzing behind your head like an infesting and annoying wasp.

Mr Kirkland points in your direction; "Yes, you? What is your question?"

NOW. What will be the first topic? ;D it can be from a grammar nazi too, if you see the same mistake happening over and over again, you want me to post about how to avoid doing this? I will do it! You want some hand on characterization? I can try my best! Any story problem you are having, you are free to ask in a review and I will try my best to let Mr Kirkland here answer your questions!

Go on, don't be shy and I will try my best to be of the best assistance that I can be ;D to the best of my abilities, of course!

~Blackie