My name is Rebecca Sewell and I am your years ago, I made a decision that changed my life forever. His name was Ted Mercer. He was everything I wasn't and everything I could ever want. We went to high school together. He was the typical popular guy, and I loved him since the first day we met. It was chem class, fifth period. He sat by his best friend, his partner in crime, Alec Rybak. Where one'd be the other wasn't far behind and even though Alec was the suave savant of the two, Ted was always the first to catch my attention. His awkward goofiness, his crooked smile and for a while, I thought we really had something. When the fall fair came around, he asked to be his date. When the night was over, he kissed my cheek and told me he'd call. A week later, he started dating the head cheerleader, Kristen. Ten years later, they were married.
It was at our 10 year reunion. When I saw Ted for the first time since I heard he was married Kristen from Alec, my heart flittered. We reminisced over foolish antics we did in high school and then he confided in me. He never stopped thinking about me, "Even when I was with her, it was you I thought about. I was stupid." I'd waited 10 years to hear that. After one too many wine coolers, Ted and I found ourselves ditching the reunion early. We rented a hotel room for the night and kept talking, when he told me that he was having marital problems and fertility issues, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. I placed my hand on his knee as he spoke and suddenly we were kissing. One kiss led to another and soon enough we were laying on the bed, clothes rapidly being ripped off like ravish beasts. Between the alcohol and ten years of pent up passion for this man there was no stopping and what happened, happened. After it was over, he felt guilty, "I have to go." He said in sheer embarrassment.
"Don't. Please stay." I begged. I didn't want to feel like a cheap fuck, but I guess that's all I ever was. He grabbed his keys and just as fast as we arrived, he was gone.
A month later, I began feeling sick. So many mornings I couldn't stand up without feeling dizzy or nauseous. When I missed my period I began to worry. I bought a pregnancy test from the drugstore and took it home immediately.
I paced outside the bathroom nervously chewing my nails till the skin bled. When the timer on my watch notified me that the recommended wait time for best results was done, I drew in a deep breath and then pushed open the door. My heart pounded, my palms were sweaty and when I looked down and saw the little pink plus sign, I almost fainted. How could this have happened? Well, I know how it happened, but with him? I grabbed my phone off the hook and dialed a familiar number, "Hi, we need to talk." I spoke quietly.
Twenty minutes later, I heard a knock at my apartment door. I rose from the couch still shaky and opened the door, "Come in." I said to the man on the other side of the door.
"What is this all about Annie?" He said.
"I did something bad." I confessed. Again I chewed my nail, blood tasted on my lips.
"How bad?" He said still calm, the way Alec always was. He took a seat at the table in the dining room
"I'm pregnant." I blurted it out. I didn't know any way else to say it. But at least I knew that I could trust Alec. After high school, he and I had a fling. It was short-lived but it created a bond that I knew I could trust him.
"What do you mean you're pregnant, Annie?" I could hear a little twinge of anger in his voice but still he remained calm. It wasn't until I told him about my affair with Ted Mercer that he let his cards show, "You had an affair with my best friend?! Don't you know he's married?" His voice was loud now and I shook cowardly like a puppy being scolded. Hot tears pierced the back of my eyes and I didn't know why. Normally, I was capable of handling Alec's mood swings. Truth be told, at the same time, he was dealing with the same issue with his wife. Even though they were having a baby, they weren't handling the marriage well.
"What am I supposed to do?" I said quietly.
Alec drew in a calming breath, "I will handle it." He said. He never told me exactly what he meant by he will handle it. But I let him do it anyways.
We were constant contact throughout the pregnancy and around my 3rd ob/gyn appointment I received even more shocking news. I was having twins. I couldn't just have one mistake. No, I was having two. But throughout the pregnancy, I began dreaming about them. Would they be two girls? Two boys? Or one of each? I thought about what I would name them. If it was two boys, I was going to name them Landon and Luke. But if it was two girls, I wanted to name them Emma and Sutton.
I didn't hear from Alec again until I was in labor. It was somewhere in the 3 am hour when my cramps became too hard to bare and I called Alec to take me to the hospital, "Where's Ted?" I said between contractions. Alec evaded my question and told me not to worry, "Where's Ted?" I repeated, "I don't want him to miss the birth of his daughters."
But before I got an answer, I was being transmitted to a bed and told to begin pushing. The pain became unbearable and all I wanted was for the father of my girls to be there when they came into the world. However, being confined to a hospital bed with two 5 pound babies pushing their way into the world, made it incredibly difficult for me to make that happen.
Sutton was born first. My little 5 pound 6 ounce baby girl and even though she was screaming, she was beautiful. It was short-lived joy before another contraction washed over me and I pushed once more. This time, I heard the heart monitor on Emma begin to slow and my doctor yell, "We are losing her. We need to get her out now!" I wanted to cry for my baby. Come on emmy, don't give up. I need you baby girl, I wanted to say, but I just kept pushing. When she was finally born, she was quiet, unlike her sister who still screamed her head off in the corner while her vitals were checked. She was pale and not crying. My heart broke, "sweetheart." I said so calmly waiting for her to take her first breath and when she did, she put up just as much of a screaming fit as Sutton. Emma was smaller than her sister only 4 pounds 9 ounces. But still she was perfect.
"Well now that that's done, let's discuss adoption. I already told Ted about Sutton and he agreed to raise her. All I need is your signature and the baby and we are good to go." Alec said shoving a legal paper at me. My girls were only two hours old and already Alec was ready to rip them from my life.
"What about Emma?" I said looking up from my sleeping girls.
"Don't worry. I've got it all taken care of." Alec said, "Just need you to sign that line there." He said pointing to a blank line and handing me a pen. I looked down at my babies. You were everything I'd been waiting nine months for and even though I was scared that day when I first discovered I was pregnant, I had grown to anticipate this very moment. Every appointment when I had the chance to see my babies, hearing your heartbeats. The day I found out I was having two beautiful healthy baby girls. The clothes I had purchased. But in the end I knew I wasn't capable of being a mother and I trusted Alec. So I did what any good mother would do for her children in the situation. I kissed you, each of you and I gave you up for adoption.
No one will ever know how much it killed me to put you girls in Alec's arms, every loop and swirl of my signature on the agreement of a closed adoption, watching him take my babies out of my life and knowing I was going home empty handed. When he was gone, I laid there quietly, the first and only picture I had of my daughters clenched in my hands and I softly wept, missing you already. I wanted so badly to call the whole thing off. I wanted so badly to take you home, to raise you. Dress you up and play with your hair. See you off to your prom and console you after every heartbreak. But at the end of the day, I knew what I did was best for you and that was the most important thingI could ever do for you two. Making sure my daughters were raised in a safe home. All I want is for you to know that I love you. Both of you. If this letter does anything I hope it answers questions. I hope it gives you girls peace of mind knowing that I did this because I loved you and wanted you to have a better life. So Emma, Sutton, if you are reading this, know that I've loved you and cared for you since the day you were born. I will always be there for you when you need me and I hope that one day we can have a relationship like the one I dreamt about seventeen years ago.
I love you with all my heart,
Mom