Kate stands at the door to Castle's room. The sliding glass door shut against the quiet of the hall and she can't bring herself to slide it open. She's not sure what she's going to see, or what he's going to say to her, if he's even awake. She was told, via a short phone call from Martha, that they had to put him into a coma and he hadn't been awake since. The only thing that was making her feel a little bit better was the blue curtain pulled in front of the door, which meant he was still in there, heart still beating, still alive. She took a deep breath, tears pooling in her eyes, trying to hold them back the best she could. She doesn't know how long she stands there, staring at her faint reflection in the glass until a nurse brushes up next to her, which makes her jump. The nurse gives her a small smile.
"You can go in. He woke up about an hour ago." Kate's breath caught in her chest and she swallowed hard, pulling her attention back to the cold glass door and the door handle that seemed too heavy in her outstretched hand. But the nurse wasn't leaving and Kate wanted her to stop staring, so she blinked away the tears and held her breathe as she pulled open the door.
She clears her through a little, hoping he heard her open the door, and she maneuvered herself around the curtain, not wanting to open it. Her hands were shaking as she entered the small room and when she looked down her throat sealed up and the tears finally escaped. Castle was lying in the hospital bed, but he didn't look like Castle. His hair was flat, wet from the shine of sweat across his forehead. Tubes crisscrossed around him, loud beeping was everywhere, Kate thought he might think it sounded like a space ship if he wasn't the source of it. She sucked in a breathe and that's when he noticed her standing there. He was so pale, his eyes so dull when he looked into hers, it broke her heart. He didn't smile, he barely even moved, he just swallowed, throat visibly shaking with the pain. She wanted to step closer, hold his hand, tell him everything was going to be okay, all the things he didn't get to do when she was lying in the same bed only years earlier. But the look in his eyes had her frozen on the spot and her knees threatened to buckle beneath her.
Castle opened his mouth to speak but then closed it. She could see tears in his eyes and she took one step towards him but the familiar tone of his voice stopped her again. A tone, a phrase, that was etched in her heart forever. The words she had replayed over and over in her head for weeks.
"Beckett, what do you want?" His voice was scratchy, but so angry and so sad that Kate's knees visibly wobbled beneath her as her mouth dropped open. She reached for the chair by his bed, not caring about the look he was giving her that told her he didn't want her here.
"You. Castle, I just want you." She gripped his hand, tighter than she needed to, but she wanted him to understand. She leaned into him, resting her head lightly on his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry Castle." She swallowed, the tears choking her airway. "I'm so sorry." It was barely a whisper the second time but she didn't know what else to say. She couldn't look him in the eyes, couldn't look at the anger. Her right hand gripped his and it was all she could to to hold on to the limpness. She stayed there, head against his shoulder, so lightly because she knew it was the side he'd been shot on. She felt a hand touch her hair and she slowly looked up at him. His left arm was crossed across him and now he was stroking her cheek, pad of his thumb wiping away her tears. The effort etched pain across his face but he rested his hand against her cheek. She looked at him, shadows under his eyes, the light shining so dimly within them and she choked out a sob.
"Kate." she could barely hear it but she leaned in closer to him. "It's not your fault." He was breathing hard now, the monitor next to him beeping a little bit more, she reached up and stroked his face.
"Shhh, you don't have to-" A shake of his head interrupted her.
"It's not your fault. Don't-" He closed his eyes against the pain but continued talking. "Don't ever think it was your fault. I know what that can do to a person." He opened his eyes to look at her. "I don't want you to ever feel that way. It wasn't your fault." Kate almost protested but held it back. Maybe he didn't remember everything that happened, or maybe he did. He patted the bed next to him with his left hand, and she walked around to that side and crawled up next to him. He only winced once, she thought it was a bad idea, until his arm gripped her shoulder and her head found the perfect spot under his neck and she laid there listening to his breathing. She couldn't hold anything in anymore. Breathless sobs escaped her, and tears streamed down her face, soaking the gown he was in.
"I was so scared Castle. I thought..." She closed her eyes, gripping his hospital gown tighter.
"I know Kate, I know. I'm okay. I'm here." His comfort made her cry more. She should be the one comforting him. Telling him everything was going to be okay, telling him she loved him. She moved her head to look up at his face, his eyes were closed but his features were softer. Having her in his arms was helping him as much as it was helping her.
"I love you. I love you Castle." She whispered it but she knew he heard it. A small smile spread across his lips. She nestled back against him, fingers slowly drawing circles against his chest.
"I love you too Kate. I love you too."