I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be
Toby Cavanaugh walked into the house he shared with his family. He had been lonely (well, lonelier than normal) lately, because Emily, his only friend besides Jenna (and he didn't know if he could count her as a friend), wasn't speaking to him because she thought he was a murderer.
He had been honest with Emily, showed his real true, Toby Cavanaugh self, but kept so much inside of him, too. Didn't everybody? Emily seemed to have her secrets. But still, he felt guilty whenever he lied to her, thinking she didn't deserve it, that she was different than everyone else, that she was nice.
He rolled his eyes at that thought. Emily was nice, but she was also scared of him, deathly scared. He knew that deep down she was, but he didn't let himself concentrate on that. He liked her, really liked her, and she seemed to like him too.
He looked at his bed and saw the corner where Emily's jacket would be whenever she came over (when Jenna wasn't home, naturally), to hang out and listen to music with him. It was always fun, like they weren't trying to hide their… what was it? It was definitely more than friendship, but it wasn't a relationship by any means. They weren't trying to hide whatever they had from the rest of the school. It was just Toby and Emily, the Freak and the Misfit.
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember what it feels like beside you
He specifically remembers one day, they were jamming to music and hanging out, talking about whatever and Emily leaned over to say something, as the music was blaring so it was hard to hear, she moved closer and their sides were pressed against each other. The feeling was electric. God, that sounded so corny, but it was true. What was Emily doing to him?
He tried to push the memory back down, knowing that if he thought about Emily, he'd miss her. He wasn't going to miss her. He had to hold on to what ever shred of dignity he had left and not miss her.
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
He sat in his desk chair, trying to no avail to get the pretty brunette girl out of his thoughts. It was impossible. She just had this… presence about her that made you never want to forget her.
Toby remembered the first time they kissed. It was hesitant and scared and full of "is this really happening?" thoughts on both accounts, but it was also one of the best kisses of his life, not that he'd ever admit it.
He liked the way Emily's hair felt against the skin of his face, the way she tasted so innocent, so scared, but also so sure at the same time. Something only Emily Fields could pull off (and did regularly around him, it seemed).
But, Toby knew one thing. Emily deserved better than him. She always had and always will. She deserved someone like Maya, who Toby knew also liked Emily, and deep inside him, knew Emily liked back. Maya really cared about Emily, it showed. Emily deserved someone like that, somebody who could shower her with the attention she deserved and wanted more from her than just sex.
Not saying Toby just wanted sex from her. But him and her, it wasn't the right place or time for them to be together, they both knew it. They just had to learn to accept it.
While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took that you've been looking for
Now there's one memory I don't wanna lose
That time at the mall you and me in the dressing room
He got out of his chair and pulled out a shoebox of pictures and notes. Why hadn't he thrown these out? When had he turned into some sentimental weirdo? The notes had been from Emily, there weren't many. They weren't "note writing" kind of friends. They were mostly about bands, too. Nothing personal or mushy. Just the way they both liked it.
Then there were the pictures. He had taken them as a joke, because Emily hated having her picture taken. He offered to take some with her, expecting her to refuse, but she just smiled, got all nervous and looked away before saying shyly, "okay". So they took pictures in the safety and comfort of his room.
But one picture stood out from the rest. The one at the mall, one of the few (maybe only) times he and Emily were actually out together outside of school. Emily had wanted to go to the mall, she needed a new outfit or something for Hanna's , and asked him to come saying the magic, "we can go to the CD store too" words with one of her Emily smiles. So that's how they ended up in the mall.
An hour into shopping, she found a dress that she loved, but couldn't zip it because it zipped in the back. She called to Toby, asking him to come in and zip it. He was a little hesitant at first, not knowing if she was serious. When she called the second time he decided he had to get in there to help her.
He walked in and zipped her up. She smiled at him and asked him what he thought. His reply was the same thing he said about the scarf Maya gave her months ago. "It looks good on you."
She giggled and thanked him, before kissing him suddenly. He was shocked but kissed her back. After all, he and Emily kissed all the time. It was just another activity for them. Between listening and discussing music, to chemistry, to kissing. It was kind of natural for them. Toby never wanted to forget that kiss or how good Emily looked in the knee length, strapless black dress she picked out.
The bed I'm laying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said "it's over"
And I can't pretend…
He closed the shoebox and stuffed it under his bed, knowing that he had to forget about her. He was the one who "ended it" after all, that night at Homecoming, when Aria sent her that message about being Alison's killer. She had pushed him through the glass and ran. He couldn't blame her. It was bound to happen sometime.
The next day in Chemistry he had to ask at least five times to talk to her after class before she finally agreed, although he could clearly see the fear in her eyes. He hated her looking at him like that. She of all people should know that he was different than the rumors that were spread about him. But, he couldn't blame her for "jumping ship" and saving herself.
After class they met in an empty classroom, Emily looking positively scared to be there.
"Look, last night, I'm not completely sure what that was about. I know you freaked out, and I know it was because of me or something like that, so I'm sorry. And I'm not gonna try to make you stay friends or whatever with me. That's your choice. But I do like you, Emily. But, like I said, whether you speak with me or hang out with me again is your choice. No pressure."
He said and turned to walk off, but heard a faint, "I just need time, okay?" from behind him. He nodded once, still facing away from her, and walked out of the room to his next class.
They haven't spoken since. It was three weeks ago.
Toby groaned and flopped on his cold bed. He couldn't pretend to just forget about Emily. It wasn't going to happen, even though he wished it was.
I won't think about you when I'm older
Cuz we never really had our closure
This can't be the end
The worst part, for Toby at least, was they never had actual closure. They never decided not be friends anymore. Emily never came to him saying she never wanted to see him again, and that, for some sick, masochistic reason gave him hope. Hope that him and Emily would once again be Toby and Emily and not Freak and Misfit.
He knows that's stupid, though. He'd seen her around school. With Maya. Holding her hand, kissing her, laughing with her. Everything she used to do with Toby. He couldn't be bitter though. He had left everything up to Emily.
He just couldn't believe it was actually "over" between them. He thought they'd at least stay friends if nothing else. But, he hoped for too much again. He hated himself sometimes. A lot of the time, actually.
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
He laid back on his bed and groaned, closing his eyes, trying to go to sleep. Then, hopefully, he could escape from the thoughts of Emily's smile, her hair in his face, her taste when he kissed her, and the fact that she deserved better than him and got it because of him. At least, if nothing else, he knew she was happy. But he wondered if maybe, she ever thought of him, too.
He decided not. Why would a girl like Emily waste two seconds thinking about him? She had better things to think and worry about than That Freak Toby Cavanaugh. But he would always remember her and the (short) time they spent together
I really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than meI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than me(And I think you should know this)(You deserve much better than me)
I seriously debated not putting this up. Why? Because I don't think it's very good. Strike that. I think the IDEA is good, I just don't think I did it very well and I think Toby and Emily are both OOC at least a little bit but I really hope you guys liked it. But I decided to put it up because there aren't NEARLY enough T/E fics out there! And they're so good together.
The ending (to me) is kind of weird, though. I couldn't find "the right way" to end it. But I thought the song kind of expressed Toby's feelings for Emily and how he (maybe) she deserved better than me. It's my first PLL fic so please be nice guys. If anything is confusing please PM me. I had this whole story in my head for the fic, but I don't know how well I communicated it.
Oh, by the way, I don't own Pretty Little Liars if I did, the Homecoming episode would've ended with Toby and Emily getting together and Toby wouldn't be dead (if he really is that is, I'm not fully caught up on the episodes). I also don't own the amazing song "Better Than Me" by Hinder. It, along with PLL belongs to it's owners. I do, however, own the plot. So please don't steal it.