My pain will heal

I remember the day like it was yesterday.

I took one look at him and he was all I would ever need or want.

He was my heart, my soul, he was everything to me.

I have no idea where the feelings came from, but there never going away, I never want them to.

But it sucks like hell when you're taken away from the one you love.

So, hear I find myself. The crazy girl, the loner who can't live her life without the one she is destined to be with.

Since I was taken away from him, my life has spiralled out of control.

I have become an emotional wreck of a girl, yet nobody understands why, I don't understand it myself.

My parents have tried all help they could think of.

I've been through electrotherapy, depression studies, mental wards, psychiatric help and now they have me doped up on every drug going, where told it will help me sooner or later, there wrong.

All that can help me is him.

I awoke to an assortment of pills being thrust into my hand and told to take them.

I'm surprised I don't rattle from the amount I've taken over the years.

I look up to see my mother's angry face; my unknown condition has never worried her it only angers her, because she has to put up with me all day.

I can't even go to school or leave the house on my own.

You see, i'm also a suicidal head case.

When I enter the kitchen my dad is already there.

He hugs me and kisses me atop the head. "How are you feeling today baby"

"Like my life means nothing you know, the usual" "I see. Well, you're seeing tom today.

Talking will help you with how you're feeling" "counselling doesn't help daddy. It's never done a thing and never will" "we can still try, cant we"

I nod and he smiles. I haven't smiled in years.

He looks at my saddened face and sighs; you take a seat and look at nothing in particular.

Later that day I am at my counsellors. I'm laid on a small sofa and he is in a chair beside me taking his notes.

"What would you like to discuss today Raya" he asks me

"What's the point? This doesn't help me. I have done this for two years, and nothing has gotten better"

"But if we keep doing it, it may help you. It takes time Raya, you know that"

"You may as well just play back your tapes and read your notes. La push reservation, the tribe"

"But you have never told me what's so important to you there" "I can't explain it to you; I can't explain it to myself.

But I need to be there, but mum won't allow it. So you see you can't help me at all. Nobody can help me"

That night, where all sat at the dinner table. I'm playing with my food while my mum and sister talk.

"I spoke with tom today" my dad says to me "oh. What did he say" I ask him uninterested

"He feels you need to take a trip. Relax and have some fun. Take your mind off of your worries.

So I have taken some time off work and where going on vacation for a month"

"Where are we going, will I need my bikini" my sister asks excited

"You can bring it along in case. The location however is a surprise.

So after you've finished dinner, I want you both to pack" I nod and continue to play with my food, I don't tend to eat much.

Jacob had been pining for Bella for over a week now. She had decided to marry Edward and become a vampire.

He couldn't bare it any longer, she was gone and it was killing him inside.

He didn't understand how she could choose such a life.

How was he supposed to move on?

If only he could find that one person that would make all his pain go away, give him hope for a better life.

But until that person comes along, he is cursed to mourn the loss of Bella swan, life sucks.

Billy didn't know what to do to help Jacob. His son was crushed and heartbroken by Bella's decision.

"Jacob, she's gone and its time for you to move on with your life"

"What if I can't? What I wouldn't give to imprint now, forget about her and be able to live again.

"I know it's hard for you Jacob, just give it some time, it will get better.

You will find your true love one day"

"I hope your right. I need some time to clear my head. Ill be back in a couple of days"

He than takes off out the back door, once in the woods he phases and runs.

The short plain ride has taken it out of me and I soon fell asleep in the back of the rental car,

My sister is also in the back with me, she is listening to her ipod.

I awaken to the sound of my parent's angry and raised voices.

"Why there, why are we taking her back there" my mum yells

"Because her councillor said it's all she talks about. I want her to get better, and if this will help, ill try it"

I lean over to my sister and she smiles "how long they been arguing" I whisper "half hour I think. I'm tuning it out" she whispers back

"For crying out loud. I'm sick of the world revolving around her problems.

This is not going to help her. Just face it; our daughter is a suicidal head case"

"I prefer mentally unstable" I say, my sister grins at me

"I'm sorry baby, I didn't realise you where awake. How much did you hear" my dad says "most of it don't worry though, what mum said doesn't effect me. I'm too screwed up to give a shit" I take out a pack of cigarettes and light one up, cranking open the window.

I started smoking to help with my depression and to piss my mum off with the smell.

Our car pulls into a driveway of an old house, it looks very familiar.

We all climb out and my dad unlocks the door to the house.

I go inside and take a look around. I flash back to when I was about eight. Me and my best friend playing in the kitchen with flour, we where covered and my dad caught us.

I enter another room and flash back to waking up in my friends arms.

A smile spreads across my lips and I turn to my dad.

He sees me smile and smiles back at me

"That's the first smile i've seen in a long time" "I have reason to. I need to go somewhere"

"Do we look stupid? Nobody needs to deal with your attempted suicide again" my mum says to me

I turn and run from the house, I sprint off in a familiar direction.

I come to a halt outside a small house. I stand there for a while and take in the familiar sight.

A sound comes from the back of the house and I head round to check it out.

I see a familiar face, its Billy black; he's trying to pick something up off the ground, but is having trouble.

I go over and pick up the item in question, handing it to him with a smile.

"Thank you" he says looking up at me "you are welcome. How are you Billy?"

"You look familiar. Do I know you" "yeah you do. Raya quall, at your service sir"

"Well now. Look at you. You've grown a lot. It is so good to see you"

I hug him and than smile "what are you doing in our neck of the woods"

"Dad brought us out for a visit. Where staying in the old house. We needed a relaxing break.

Is Jacob around, it would be nice to see him, i've missed him"

"I'm afraid he isn't. I have no idea where he is at the moment. He took a trip to clear his head" "oh"

My smile fades away and my heart sinks, I know Billy has noticed my change in mood.

"Hey what is it, what's wrong" "its nothing, I just wanted to see him is all"

I take a seat on the ground beside him and he places his hand atop my head in a comforting gesture.

"Something is bothering you. You have such a sad haunted look in your eyes. It wasn't there before"

"I'm fine. Do you have any idea when he will be back?"

"Could be a couple of days, he just takes off when he feels like it"

My heart sinks more, if that's even possible and I pull my knees up to my chest.

The next day I am laid in bed, I just can't seem to find a reason or the strength to move today.

When we first arrived I was so happy, yesterday meant the world to me.

I almost had Jacob back in my life. But now it seems he's still out of reach and I'm back to square one.

Billy and john are sat talking in the living room.

"What's wrong with her john? She isn't the girl I remember, she's lost her spark" Billy says "We actually have no idea. Not long after leaving, her moods changed.

She was low and unhappy, the doctor said it was just the change to her surroundings and that it would get better soon.

But after one year it got worse, she tried to kill herself.

She said she couldn't face her life any longer. The doctors have her doped up on pills, she's under psychiatric help.

None of it seems to work, when we arrived here, she had a smile that lit up her face. She rushed off, than she came back deflated once again"

"She came looking for Jacob, seemed so sad when she couldn't find him"

"She said she was going to find something the second we arrived, must be Jacob she meant" "doesn't that seem odd to you"

"It rather does. I should talk with her, find out what it is. We know she wanted to return here.

She tells her counsellor all the time, we just don't know why"

I sit up and throw off my covers. I head over to the bedroom window and open it wide.

I climb up onto the ledge and than jump out, landing with ease. I take off into the woods and pick up an odd trail.

I run through the trees and up steep hills, coming to a stop at the top of a high cliff.

I stay hidden in the shadows and wait. I can't see anything at first, than five large wolves run forward and dive off the high cliff.

I rush over and watch as they land in the water.

Than instead of wolves, five men resurface laughing. I watch them for a while until one looks up and spots me.

I get up and take off back into the woods. I am soon surrounded by five snarling wolves.

I look at each one and raise my head high, showing that I am not afraid of them. "Let me leave, now" I say

The large black wolf nods to the others and they move aside for me.

I run through the opening between them and than turn back to look at them.

For some reason I decide to push my luck with them.

"Phase back. Let me see you all, please"

The largest moves towards me and suddenly phases back. He stands to reveal a familiar face.

"Wow, hey Sam. Good to see you" "who are you" "raya quall"

"Raya, I heard you where visiting with your family. How did you find us up here?"

"A wolf can smell a wolf. I followed the trail. I thought I was the only one, makes sense that I'm not"

"You're a wolf. I can't smell you. Prove it"

I nod and strip down, than phase into a golden brown wolf with a hear shape of white fair around my left eye.

I than phase back and quickly get dressed.

"For how long now" he asks me "five years actually"

The others phase back now and look at me in shock. One of them moves forward and Sam looks at him as he looks at me with pity in his eyes.

"You've lost your imprint" he says to you "my what now" "the person you are pining for. The pain, it roles off of you, how do you bare it"

I lift the sleeves of my shirt and show them the identical scars on my wrists.

"I didn't handle it at all. I'm medicated up the wazoo. Being a wolf is not fun, especially when you lose the one you need the most. He's still not here"

My legs give way and Sam catches me as I cry.

Jacob is running in some woods in his wolf form. He stops to look out over the ocean.

He senses that the pack are chasing someone and turns back, running for home.

He stops again as a pure pain washes over him from someone he doesn't know.

The pain is excruciating and unbearable, it's gone in seconds and he picks up the pace, worried for his pack.

I am carried into the house and my dad turns around and panics.

"What happened to her" he ask the boys "she's pining for her imprint" Sam tells him as he places me on the couch.

"What. What are you talking about? She's not a wolf" "you are so wrong" Paul says

I'm laid on the couch staring at the ceiling, I can hardly focus. My mum is sat glaring at me while everyone worries.

"We need to find her imprint" my dad says to them all

"It's not going to be easy. Only she can tell us who it is" Billy says

"Don't you have any idea at all? Because she is incapable of telling us anything right now" Paul tells them as they all watch me.

Everyone is in the living area still; I have been moved into my bedroom now.

There all sat looking at each other when a knock sounds. Sam goes and opens the door to reveal Jacob.

"Jacob. You are back already" "I sensed you guys where chasing someone, than all I could feel was pain.

What the hell is going on, who was it that I felt?"

Sam ushers him inside and he sees john sat at the table

"John, hey. What are you doing here" "we brought raya for a trip to relax. Now where trying to save her"

"Save her from what, where is she, is she ok" Jacob says in a panicked rush

"It would appear she is a wolf and she's pining for her imprint that she was taken away from" Jared says

"That's who's pain I could feel earlier. Where is she" "she's resting in her room. She's not doing well, I fear we may have another suicide attempt soon" john tells him

Jacob looks up in shock "can I please go and see her" he asks john

"I think it would help. She needs her best friend right now" Billy says

I am laid on my bed in the foetal position, I feel the bed dip but I don't move to see who it is, and I frankly don't care.

A hand is placed on my hip and comforting circles are drawn into it by the unknown hand as I whimper and cry.

I am pulled into strong warm arms and hand smooth down my back

"Its ok raya, I'm here, you're going to be fine" a voice says in my ear

I pull back and look up into the eyes of Jacob; a smile spreads across my face as Jacobs eyes go wide.

I throw my arms around his neck and he wraps his around my waist pulling me closer to him.

I pull back smiling and he caresses the side of my face

"I never expected to ever feel like this" he tells me "I didn't think I would ever see you again" "I've missed you more than I knew"

"I've been so alone, it was painful without you. I wanted to die; I had nothing left to live for"

"Your dad said you tried already, did you" I show him my wrists and he places a kiss to each one

"You never have to feel like that again, and I never have to feel alone"

I lean into his chest and he puts his arms around me. Billy and my dad open the door and you both turn to them. A smile is upon both your faces.

"You look so much better raya, in fact both of you do" Billy says

"I have my Jake and I feel wonderful" "Jacob was your imprint" my dad says "and she is also mine" Jake tells him without taking his eyes off of you, all you see is love and adoration.

"Thank god. You'll both do better now" Sam says from behind your dad and Billy

"Yeah we will" I say looking into jakes eyes.

So there you have it, I'm a wolf in love with a wolf. My pain is finally gone and replaced with love for Jacob and his replaced with love for me.

Being a wolf and having the ability to imprint can be a curse and a blessing in one.

In my case, it's finally a blessing. I wonder what comes next for us

To be continued …..