Blue Collar Magic
Disclaimer: Author makes no claims that she owns Harry Potter, or Any Blue Collar Comedy affliated jokes.
Chapter 1: You might be a Magical Redneck if 1
You've ever given rat traps as a gift
A mangy looking black dog trotted through snow covered streets carrying a small wrapped package in its mouth. It was Christmas morning so all the good shops had been closed due to the holiday. It still wasn't safe for him to transform into his human form so he had to improvise getting the perfect gift for one of his few friends left. It was a fairly simple plan wait beside the door of a small convenience store and run in when someone opened the door. It worked but he was spotted way too soon. He had meant to grab the nice journal with a wolf on the front but as he went for it the owner of the store whacked his hind end with a very hard broom.
Flashback
Just a little closer, he thought as he stretched his head to the back of the shelf. He couldn't move as good as he used to even in his animagus form. Not enough food or exercise in Azkaban for that. Almost got it. Just as he was about to bite down on it he felt as if a bludger had slammed into his back left hip. He yelped and dropped it so he quickly bit down on it again and took off running as fast as his four legs could carry him.
"Get out you mangy mutt!" cried the owner, a little old lady with a surprisingly strong swing. The woman didn't look it but she was fast too. She almost caught up a few times but he managed to slip out the door. It was just luck a man came in as he had to wait a long time just to get in there in the first place.
When he had gotten far enough away he found cover behind an abandoned building, where he had stashed wrapping paper and some ribbon that he had stolen a few days before. He transformed back into his human self. It was then that he noticed that he grabbed a pack of rat traps. He cursed his luck. It was only two hours until he was meeting Remus in his cave, and he didn't have enough time to find another shop that was open today. While thinking of a plan and snapping the little metal piece on one of the traps, not a good idea at all since he smashed his fingers and spent twenty minutes cursing about it before he remembered he was a wizard and use episkey to fix his fingers. He suddenly had a funny idea to make the traps into a gift he could be proud to give.
End Flashback
Now here he was trotting back to his cave in the mountains above Hogsmeade hoping Remus would see the humor in his gift. It will be just like old times, he thought. He climbed the mountain side with a few minutes to spare before he knew Remus would be apparating in. He transformed and quickly vanished all of the rat carcasses from his meals. A minute or two later he heard the pop outside that signaled Remus' arrival.
"Padfoot get your flea ridden bum out here and help me carry this food" Remus called.
"Got any ham? I'm sick of rats" I reply.
"Sure" he replied rolling his eyes.
We carried the food into my cave, a fair amount for just the two of us. Remus caught me up on the news of Harry and his involvement in that tournament while we ate. Of course I grumbled for awhile about the injustice and worried about who wants to kill Harry now. Now is the time for gifts.
He hands me a package. It is a basket filled with a pillow, blanket, books and toiletries. He just had to include some flea spray.
"Ha ha" I say sarcastically "Now open mine"
"How did you get this?" he asks while opening the wrapping paper. I double wrapped it. He he.
"I have my ways" He rolls his eyes and continues on unwrapping it. I see his eyes widen. "Really Padfoot" he says exasperatedly "Rat Traps?"
"Set it" I say while barely containing my glee. He does as I ask.
"Now what?" he asks. I don't understand the surprise should have started. "Hand them to me" I say.
He hands them to me. It is still not working. I am starting to get really frustrated. Snap. One just clamped on my fingers. Remus starts laughing.
"It's not funny" I ground out. All of a sudden I start to hear rapid snapping of the other traps and the next I know the traps are snapping and chasing me all over the cave. Of course the whole time Remus is rolling on the ground almost peeing on himself. I get them to stop twenty minutes later.
"Karma will always come to bite you on your tail" he is still laughing.
"Yeah yeah laugh it up. You should have been the one chased." I grumble.
"Now why rat traps" he asks amused.
I proceed to tell him of my morning adventure and of course he laughs it up some more. I just cannot get a break.