Something about that night still seems so empty to me.
I remember the coals in the fireplace flickering as they burned out. I remember dim orange glow they left on the stone walls. But, most of all, I remember her. Lying next to her. Seeing her. Feeling her. Breathing her.
The last night in Redcliffe. She was lying next to me, in my arms, asleep. I was sitting up, holding her, wide awake. I remember thinking that, no matter what happened, this would be the last time I held her like this. Held her at all, really. I tried so hard to think about everything I should've been thinking about. You know, the obvious ones. If this ritual was really going to work. If I would even survive long enough to test it. What everyone else was thinking. How everyone else was coping with our last night.
I thought of Alistair, lying in bed, dwelling on the fact this night might be his last. Or his best friend's last.
I thought of Liliana, sleeping soundly, preparing unconsciously for the battle tomorrow. And worrying about me.
I thought of Wynne, gathering her final advice to give as my mentor, and my guardian, also worrying about me.
Sten, and Zevren, and Shale. Dreaming of victory. Confidently.
And, Lotan Baba, laying at the foot of our bed, blissfully unaware of
"Wait..." I whispered to myself, "Does Shale even sleep?" I shook my head.
Then I turned, back to her. Morrigan. Breathing softly beside me. I slid out from underneath her, threw on my robes, and slipped out of the room, shutting the door silently behind me.
I tip-toed my way through Castle Redcliffe, to the main hall, where I peeked through the door. Eamon and Teagan were standing, giving orders to the guards that were both streaming in and out. I decided not to interrupted, and wandered my way out the back door.
I looked up at the sky, the stars, the moon. I sat down in the grass, and hugged my knees to my chest. The night looked so peaceful, and yet somewhere, miles away, a horde of darkspawn was destroying everything in their path; their path to Denerim. And, despite all of that, Morrigan would not leave my mind. I didn't want her to leave. I didn't want to live without her. Hell, I didn't even want to die without her. And then I did something that Grey Wardens aren't supposed to do. I cried. I hung my head, and I cried. I'd been wanting to do it since I woke up in Flemeth's hut, and I held it in as long as I could. My life wasn't under my control anymore. Everything that was about to happen, rested on chance. How likely it would be for Alistair or I to make it to the archdemon, and how likely either of us had the strength to kill it. How likely this unborn "child" would shield us. How likely I would be saying goodbye to at least a handful of my good friends in the next few hours. As the last of the tears slid down my nose, I whispered something to myself.
"I love you all. Especially you, Morrigan."