Tamah: Something I found on one of my jump drives. I know it's kind of odd, but. . . meh. Feel free to bitch at me for it. I think it was supposed to be funny, but I can't really remember.

My head hurt something terrible. Maybe I had rolled off my bed and hit my head or something because whatever I was sleeping on was not soft. At all. It didn't even feel like my normal carpet or anything.

I decided to open my eyes and figure out what in the hell was going on. Trees. I saw trees.

Why in the fuck were there trees?

I rolled over and looked up at the sky. It looked like early morning, like at three o'clock. At least that's what I could see. Through the branches.

Of the trees.

Again, why in the fuck was I surrounded by trees? I am not a nature person, if the definition of 'nature person' included randomly waking up in the middle of a forest.

I yelled my wordless displeasure to the stars. My voice sounded really fucked up, too. It was probably because of the funky acoustics or something, I told myself.

A fucking cold forest, I noted when my breath emerged in a cloud during my shouting match.

I pulled myself up, muttering curses under my breath. My joints actually creaked as I stood up. Seriously. But then I did a double-take.

When did I ever wear gloves? I didn't even own a pair of gloves. No one needed gloves where I lives, or mittens, or anything like that.

Curiously, I looked down at myself, and promptly screamed.

You'd scream, too, if you suddenly discovered that you were magically, somehow, a man.

But I had more things to worry about at that moment. Like living. All my ruckus had apparently attracted some. . . unsavory characters who wanted to use me as target practice.

I heard thunks, and was snapped out of my transgender-induced shock. I looked up in time to see a person straight across from me throw more things at me. I yelped and bolted.

Maybe being a dude wasn't so bad, if it meant I could run this fast. I didn't know people could run that fast.

That didn't stop my asshole assailant from being faster. He tripped me. Who in the hell would trip someone? Why?

So then, I think I died. It hurt.

But wait; there's more!

So, when I supposedly died, I didn't see any pearly gates or fat little boys with wings, nor did I see any ham-can devils surrounded by fire.

I saw trees. More damn trees. I was already sick of seeing trees.

Someone was hiding up in them there trees, I suddenly knew. It was like I was psychic or something, 'cuz suddenly someone fell out of a tree. Dead.

How did I know he was dead? I dunno, maybe it was my new found ESP, or maybe perchance it was the fact that he had no head. You decide.

A familiar face dropped down from another tree. . . . But surprise! I had never seen him before. But I knew his name, his blood type, his favorite color, and his favorite food. He also was my teammate.

Oh! Oh! I know, I must've been reincarnated as a soccer player! No, sadly, I wasn't a soccer star.

The man began to babble incoherently. Oh, wait, never mind. He was speaking just fine now.

"Are you ready to head home?"

Was I? I had no idea. "Yeah, if you'd like to." At least my voice was feminine now. Home sounded like a place to try and figure out what was going on. Maybe it was some type of jutsu.

Um, one question, though. What in the hizzle was a jutsu? I wondered if maybe someone drugged up my water supply or something. I was tripping bad, as my pothead and acid junkie friends would say. Trippin' balls. I had never tried any for myself and now I knew why.

I was interrupted by a quick shout. Oh, great. My buddy was kind of. . . dead. I could feel tears in my eyes but I wasn't sad, at all. I didn't know him. My body was shaking with rage that I wasn't feeling. Craziest thing ever.

And no one will guess who killed him? Anyone? Anyone at all?

Mister Assailing Asshole was back, everyone! Let's throw some needless confetti around!

But, I did wonder what brought him here after me. Were we destined to forever clash until the end of time? Until we fell in love? Until the viewers got bored?

Who knows, folks, who knows. All I did know was that he wasn't happy.

"Leave me alone, will you?" I said in my new, non-threatening voice.

He glared daggers at me. I raised my eyebrows. "Why are you even, like, chasing me? Are you like, my eternal foe? Are we going to keep being reincarnated forever? How come you stayed the same while I keep gender-bending?"

I would have asked more questions, but a knife-looking thing through your windpipe pretty much shuts you up. Who'd've thought?

No one's sang yet, folks! Especially not a fat lady! Stay tuned for round three!

I was surprised to wake up in a room. A nice, clean, well decorated one, to boot. But, I had a problem. Mister Asshole.

Now that I remembered, I was pissed. Was I ever gonna live a peaceful life again? Besides, since Mister Weapons Happy seemed to be trying to kill me, he really wasn't doing a good job. He killed two dudes and a chick instead. He was a pretty shitty assassin.

Well, technically he killed my twice, but hey, I'm still alive, sucka!

I felt kind of normal. It was amazing. I looked myself over and was satisfied. I was a chick, around my original age, with. . Wait, what? Blue hair? Wow. That was new. It looked pretty awesome, though. It was soft, and long, and I liked to run my fingers through it. Best reincarnation yet.

I felt hopeful. I had a new name, it was Chiko. That's a pretty weird name. I had a life, that I didn't have to think hard to remember. I was getting better at this whole hopscotch game.

And I was a kick ass ninja.

Fuck. Yes. Go to hell, Chuck Norris, Chiko's in town.

That explained why everything was so different. I was now in happy-la-la-ninja-land. Whee.

But. . . . This was awesome!

I could walk on water, defy gravity, and apparently set things on fire. Sounds amazing.

There was a soft knock on my door, and an equally soft voice spoke. "Tsuko-hime, you have a visitor." Tsuko was my last name, I guess.

"Okay," I chirped, opening my door. My 'nanny' gestured for me to follow her.

"He's a very fine warrior, you know. Tsuko-sama is hopeful that he will like you." she told me, "You will like him, he's very handsome and knowledgeable in the shinobi arts."

So, who did you think I was expecting? Were you expecting him too? Well, we'd all be wrong, because instead of that ugly mug, I was greeted by a new face, a warm, smiling one.

I couldn't help but smile back as I instinctively bowed. The nanny smiled as well. "If there's anything that you need, I will be in the kitchen." Suddenly, I was alone. With an admittedly handsome man. Who had an awesome smile.

Now if I was the old me, I would've clammed up more than a bowl of chowder. But not Chiko, no sirree. She happily chatted with him about stuff on autopilot or something. I guess I hadn't mastered everything about this yet.

It was fascinating to hear their conversation, though. It was about all sorts of things, about far-away lands and long-ago battles.

After he left, I felt lonely. I don't think Chiko had many friends. I wondered why, she seemed like a beautiful, smart, happy girl, so why didn't she have friends?

I went to sleep thinking. I woke up to the sound of tapping. There was someone tapping at my window. I looked around outside and didn't see anyone. I pulled the window open even though my ninja training told me not to.

Well, not my training. As evidenced by a familiar face leaping in through the window.

"Who are you?" I asked, out of curiosity. "Why are you in my room?" the Chiko-half asked.

Silence. I wondered why he wasn't talking. I mean, he did talk before.

I frowned slightly. "Don't make me attack you. I am a formidable kunochi."

I finally heard a sound. "Why isn't it working?" he asked himself (or maybe god,) angrily, "It simply keeps getting stronger!"

I huffed. "I have a name, and a gender, mind you." It was true. Past the other two people, I was a sixteen-year old girl who lived in the desert, but hated the sun, and liked video games and sleeping. And hanging with her friends.

Or was I? What if she was just another cycle?

Who in the hell am I?

What in the hell am I?

"W-what am I?" I finally managed to ask aloud, "Why are you so hell-bent on killing me?"

A frown crossed his face, not an angry one, a contemplating one. "All I know is that you need to be stopped before you fall into the wrong hands."

Well, that wasn't cliche and vague at all, huh? "Am I like a gun or something? No wait, I'm the fucking super weapon that could demolish all the Five villages, created by some fucked-up dude who has a cat and a 'dark side.' Oh, don't tell me, he has a secret lab underground where he commits atrocities and does other general douchebaggy things." My mind told me that there were five main ninja villages around.

He blinked slowly. "You remember, don't you." It wasn't a question. "You're simply toying with me."

I was taken aback with shock. "Was I right or something? W-was I?" He looked like he was about to kill me again. Asshole. Now I really didn't want Chiko dead, she was too nice and sweet. She had a bright future ahead of her. Or something.

"Don't kill the girl," I growled in a distinctly unfamiliar demonic voice that made me want to wet my pants. Now, if this was simply a character in a video game who talked like this, I would have laughed my ass off. But this was Real Life, so it scared me shitless.

"Did I really sound like that?" I asked, again in that demonic voice. It sounded so foreign, a peal of laughter escaped me, in my actual American teenybopper voice. I was so happy to hear my normal self again, I squealed.

He was looking more than slightly confused. Then again, who wouldn't.

"If it makes you feel any better," I said in my voice, "I'm just as confused as you are. But, uh, like I asked before, please don't kill Chiko. She's a real nice girl." I folded my arms across my chest and tried to look menacing.

My ninja side told me to fucking gun it and run. I ignored the urge. I wanted to get more information from this kook.

"You need to die, impure monster!" he shouted angrily, throwing kunai at me. Oh, so that's what they were called? Are they like Chinese throwing stars or something? Well, whatever they were, I dodged them by throwing myself to the left. I ended up near my bed.

"I told you," the demonic voice suddenly said, "Do not kill the girl." I felt a power rise within me, and it scared Chiko and I. Like really bad. If we were separate people, we would have been hugging each other out of fear like those chicks about to be killed in a horror movie.

Chiko- her body, I mean- slumped to the floor, but I was still sitting up. I looked at my hands- my hands!- and marveled at the beautiful swirling patterns that now made me up. The patterns swirled around, red and white.

I felt light and nonexistent. Well, that was because I was. Surprise.

We suddenly weren't in Chiko's house anymore, but on a wide-open plain. Well, a desert, more like. I groaned quietly to myself, but I was thankful for the lack of trees. It felt more like home this way.

The strange man's eyes narrowed. "So this is your true form, you disgusting vermin."

"What?" I asked angrily. I mean, I didn't think I looked that bad. I mean, back home I had a boyfriend. So I couldn't be that ugly, right? Right?

I noticed he wasn't looking directly at me, he was looking more to my right. I turned my head and almost jumped out of my skin. I mean, I would have if I had skin. After my outburst, his eyes snapped to me, and his eyebrows furrowed with confusion.

But I didn't really notice, I was too busy staring at my apparent other half. It, like me, was made up of a swirling energy-type of thing. Unlike me, its colors were blue and black. Also unlike me, the thing was fucking terrifying.

It stood on four legs, disproportionately long, it was way taller than I was, and far larger in every other way, too. Its body was thinner than I would have expected. Feral- yet blank- looking eyes looked tiny in comparison to the thing's massive head and snout. Perched on its head were almost comical ears, like a cat's or wolf's.

The horror showed, even on my strange energy face. "Who are you?" I asked the thing next to me. "What in the hell is going on?" My voice was reaching hysteria pitch.

The thing grumbled with laughter. "I am you, and you are myself." it said in the demonic voice, "We are perfect, inseparable."

Meanwhile, the man eventually seemed to realize what I was, and decided that I was the enemy, as well. Lucky me, huh? You know what, I'll never complain about chores again.

He fucked around with his hands for a second. He was performing a jutsu, my mind recalled faintly. He yelled something, but I couldn't hear it very well. Why? Because the beast was sucking me into himself. I figured it was a he anyway.

I curled up and closed my eyes. I felt so tired, like I had spent all night playing one of my Final Fantasy games or something. The energy that made the creature up was cold, freezing almost, compared to how warm and toasty I felt. I slipped off into unconscious land.

And this is the part where you all expect to hear that it had all been a dream, right? Well, that's not happening. It gets crazier.

So, when I finally came to, I could tell that it was almost over. The beast was feeling weak, I could feel him beginning to lose his very being. He was taking energy from me, which seemed to hurt him more that help.

If he died, I probably died, I thought suddenly, after all, isn't how that shit usually works?

It also occurred to me how strong that little bastard must be. I mean, the beast was fucking powerful, I felt it before. And now it was about to dissolve, and probably bring me to hell with it.

What did I do to deserve this again? Did I piss some voodoo woman off?

My eyes widened in realization. I did, in a way. Michelle Parker. She had never really liked me, or anyone else, for that matter. She claimed to be a witch, and she would charge money for curses on people. That was the only reason most people tolerated her, because the shit actually worked. I had never hired her, and I didn't like her. I'm sure my strong dislike for her showed some time. But who would like a girl who brought harm onto others for money?

So, anyway, I had a theory as how I ended up in the belly of the beast, so to speak. I had left school later than usual because I had helped my cheerleading coach clean up after- why are you looking at me like that?- but, ahem, anyways, I left way after everyone else did. Cue the horror music. So cliche, right?

I was walking through the parking lot to my car, when I was hit over the head. It didn't quite knock me out, because they didn't hit me hard enough. So they hit me again, and sure enough, I crumpled to the ground like a moon-bounce with no air.

I woke up- get this- tied to a fucking rock in the middle of the desert. I was facing the sky, and it was nighttime. I remember a giant light in the sky, and I remembered my boyfriend telling me that there was a supernova going on. It was enough for us to barely see it during the day, even.

Cue the dramatic entrance of Michelle. She was towering over me, all evil and smug. "Tanya, welcome to the show." Her face was smeared in stage blood. Or at least I thought it was stage blood.

"That fake blood's bad for your skin, you know, I offered helpfully, "It dries it out."

I heard others laughing. There were more people? "I can't believe that bitch is worrying about something like that," I heard someone yell.

I jerked my head up, and I regretted it. For one, my head hurt like a bitch and it made me see stars, but I also headbutted Michelle. Which caused a hell of a lot of pain for the both of us.

Before my head slammed back down to the rock, I saw a group of people back lit by a huge bonfire. It gave me the chills, even through the searing pain.

"Let's get this started," Someone offered to Michelle, who was probably pissed beyond belief.

It felt so surreal. I know, and knew then, that witches or satanists weren't supposed to actually do this to people. But there I was, tied to a rock, awaiting some unpleasant fate, like out of a pulp fiction novel or some awful sitcom.

"To the great chaos master, Azathoth. . . ." Michelle began, And she continued along that vein for a long, long time.

Long enough for me to remember what an Azathoth was. I thought back to my ninth grade year, when I read all sorts of horror books. Azathoth was the head honcho god in a a lot of H. P. Lovecraft stories.

But it was obviously just a story, so why in the hell did there appear to be a cult?

I was stuck in my world of wonder and disbelief, and I didn't break out of it until they slit my throat.

It was all over for me.

Or so I thought.

What I didn't know was that it was only the beginning.

So, why did I break away from the action to tell you that? Because, there was no action because I couldn't see through the beast.

I felt myself being jerked upwards, through the beast's body. I emerged atop, between the beast's funny ears. "I. . can't do it anymore." the beast said, softly, weakly. . . apologetically?

"But I don't want to die!" I wailed mournfully. I had already died more times than I ever wanted to in a lifetime. It sucks.

The monster-maybe not such a monster- shifted and shuddered. I felt his energy, his very life, flow into me. I felt oddly complete, and stronger than I ever dreamed. I now had the power to destroy whatever I wanted at my fingertips, and it was a heady feeling.

I was the same size that I had always been, and I was still red and white. I looked over at the man. He seemed very tired, and suddenly old.

He thought he was going to die, that I was going to kill him. I knew I should, the remaining willpower of the demon was pushing me forward, to kill, maim, destroy.

I walked closer to him. His dark eyes were dull and flat, unlike before, when his eyes had been filled with hate and a purpose.

He lashed out at me with a jutsu, but the fire that erupted from his mouth was a glancing blow. I saw the fear in his eyes as I approached him.

"I'll seal you away, you monster," he hissed softly. His eyes changed in a flash, from black to red. He made more quick hand signs with the last of his strength.

I shook my head softly, and placed a hand on his forehead. I sure as hell didn't know where little miss nice and charitable came from, but she was the one in charge now. I felt a glimmer of my power flow into him. Well, I was beginning to realize that it probably wasn't just mine. The demon's power, as well. And who knows who else's?

The man looked up at me in shock, and the jutsu he was casting abruptly stopped. I smiled, even though I'm sure he couldn't tell. I suddenly knew everything about this man, this boy. He was actually younger than me. His father was a reformed criminal, his mother a beautiful sight. His father's old master created the demon using a little bit of other demons. Huh, kind of like Frankenstein. The kid wasn't so bad. He just wanted to keep everyone safe.

"My name's Tanya," I said randomly, "Nice to meet you." I patted him on the head and turned away. "I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. This is like the lamest video game ever, jumps straight from the tutorial to the final boss, and I don't even get to kick any ass." I turned my head to look at the kid. "You're probably going to start saying the same thing over and over again, like 'I will kill you, foul beast,' or something along those lines." I sighed heavily.

My reference was lost on him, just I figured. He stood there in silence for a second before he finally spoke. "Thank you," he said, before turning and leaving. What the fuck? Where's the long, plot-hole filling speech all the bad guys make? I sighed. Real Life doesn't care about plot holes, I guess. I'm stuck like this, stuck here in this place, and I'm going to have to get used to it.

I stood there in silence for a lot longer, watching the sun set. When twilight settled in, it was still silent. So I broke it.

I took a deep breath and shouted, "So, where's my New Game+?"