Penalty

They say that insanity approaches slowly, infecting the mind little by little, like darkness creeping into the brightly lit world. They say you'll lose your mind before losing your sanity, that when you start to go insane, you'll not know of what is happening, because you have no connection with your mind. You won't know it. You won't feel it. You won't remember it.

They're all wrong.

I can feel it. I can feel all of it.

It is like they say, it's always darkest before the dawn.

The past week has been the worst week in my entire existence. It hasn't been a nightmare just for me. The entire Order has been in one state. A month ago, the Death Eaters suddenly stopped attacking us. They didn't just stop attacking, but also changed all of their routines so that we wouldn't get a chance to attack as well. We were terrified, for we knew they were up to something. But, as per usual, the ministry did not listen to Dumbledore. Neither did the rest of the Wizarding world. They were too desperate for peace.

So naturally, everyone loosened up their guards. They even started travelling alone, which was forbidden until then.

That's when it all started. The Death Eaters started picking us up one by one, going for the strongest first. We regrouped, and fought back. The Potters and we were attacked thrice, but we fought and held them back and fought again. We barely escaped alive.

Right when we thought things couldn't get any worse, it got a whole lot worse. Just a week ago, Dumbledore sent his patronus with an urgent message; Come to the Potter residence, do not tell anyone.

That's where our lives changed, and not for the better. Dumbledore has heard a prophesy about the Chosen One, the one who is destined to kill You Know Who. According to the prophesy, the Chosen One is either Harry or Neville.

It wouldn't matter which one it is. Our babies would be marked for their entire lives. They'd be hunted down day and night. They'd never be able to have friends or go to school. Their days are numbered.

But that isn't the worst part…

Snape has heard the prophesy.

Dumbledore could be so thick sometimes. True, he did not anticipate Sybil making a prophesy. It might even be one of her mood swings. It might even be a trick to impress Dumbledore to get the job.

But none of it would matter now. Snape heard it, and he has told You Know Who.

We have been in hiding ever since.

I try not to move, as they think I'm dead. I shift slightly from the crooked dead-like position I'm in on the living room rug, my eyes searching for him. When I spot him I realise he's been doing the same, shifting with the greatest difficulty to look at me. Our eyes meet and the desolation in his breaks my heart. He looks as if he hates himself. He hates himself for letting this happen to me. I try to reassure him. I hide my pain as much as I could, and smile at him reassuringly. But he sees right through me and it pains him more to see me hide my pain for him. A tear trickles down his cheek and onto the floor. He closes his eye in final contemplation and lets out a soft deep breath, as if saying that he is ready to die.

No. He is not going to leave me like this. He is not going to leave Neville like this.

Neville…

I had never seen Dumbledore's real power and authority before, but I did in this situation. He arranged everything single-handedly. By morning, the Potters and we were settled into our safe homes, our secret keepers set, an elite attack planned, the Head Quarters changed, and all emergency safety measures set. We haven't seen anyone from the Order since, except Remus, our Secret Keeper.

Seeing Remus hasn't been any consolation either. He is always troubled now, since the day we went into hiding. Sirius goes off on his own, trying to take as many Death Eaters as possible, so that the Potters would be safe. Remus doesn't see it that way. He suspects him of fraternizing with the enemy. Last night he had followed Sirius down a dark alley, only to spot Dolohov at the end of it. He had jumped at Sirius and demanded that he explained what he was doing to his best friend. They had almost started dueling, but luckily, Kingsley too had been tracking Sirius down, to stop him from getting murdered, and had managed to apparate them both into Head Quarters for Dumbledore to sort it out when he shows up.

When Remus visited us last night, he had only bad news. So many had died yet again and so many more are missing, but we are not getting enough of them. They're drawing closer, he says. The only consolation is that even You Know Who fears Dumbledore.

He told us last night that he might not be able to make his usual daily visit today, but that someone else from the Order would drop by. But even so, we are only allowed to let either Kingsley, Moody, Arthur or Dumbledore in, apart from Remus.

This entire situation has done nothing but damage to my nerves. I jump out of my skin even at the sight of my own shadow or the sound of the wind. I hardly get any sleep. I can't think straight, I can't work at a stretch. I can't even make tea without running upstairs to check on Neville every minute.

Frank on the other hand, is on fire. During the five days that we have spent here, he has made the entire house a camp for battle-training. He has even laid out an attack plan and practices a scenario every day. Sometimes I stay outside on the porch, with Neville cradled in my arms, watching Frank prepare for battle, or fake an impending attack. Sometimes, I only watch up to that point. Even a fake attack gives me the chills.

I know we are safe here, but what if they find us? What if the others don't get here on time?

What if we can't protect Neville?

That's when it hits me. Why has it all stopped? How have they not seen us move? They have watched us all night, waiting for us to move even slightly, to start again. So why not now? Do they truly believe that we are dead? Did they leave? Is it over? Are we safe? Or…

No. I can't even make myself think it. But I have to. I have to know…

Have they gone in search of Neville?

I feel someone's breath on my ear and I know it is hers. All this time when she taunted me, I felt nothing but pure hatred and disgust. But now…

I'm finally afraid of Bellatrix Lestrange.

"Oh don't worry. I haven't forgotten you. I want the two of you to be conscious and alive to see this"

Before I can even process what she just said, I heard him.

I heard my baby cry.

That's when I hear it. The sound of a tree being blasted into pieces.

I hear this every day, when Frank is improvising an attack. He would attack trees, and bushes and even sometimes the garage. There are dummies of Death Eaters (Some are just sticks) all over the yard. He wouldn't stop for hours, but would go on destroying the backyard until I go and stop him. Sometimes I let him endeavor in his pleasures. After all, this is all he has got to do now, holed up in here.

But I'm in no mood for it today. Neville hasn't slept all day and throughout the day before. He has been twisting and crying, and even screaming at the top his voice as if he is terrified. I just got him to fall asleep and this racket is only going to wake him up again.

So I storm down the stairs from Neville's room, locking it softly so as not to wake him up. But as I get to the bottom of the stairs, I stop dead in my track, one foot still dangling in the air.

Frank is lying on the floor face down at Bellatrix's feet.

I was filled with so much rage and anger as I've never felt before, that I took my wand out to attack, without even realizing what I am doing. Bellatrix didn't even flinch. She had a perfectly smug look plastered on her face and it angered me more. I raised my wand to fire, and I was going to kill her.

A sharp pain slices through my entire body. I am thrown off the floor and into the air. My mind goes blank. I don't feel anything at first. I am in so much shock.

I hear the sound of my body hitting the floor before feeling the rug under my face. As I lie there, my mind begins to clear and the pain becomes violently real. I've been hit with the Cruciatus curse, and I'm feeling it now with its full force, even though they're not cruciating me anymore.

Belatrix turns my body around, so that I'm facing the roof. She kicks me hard in the stomach to turn me, and then kicks me in the side when I'm lying vulnerably. I can see Frank from the corner of my eye. He is stirring.

He is alive.

Bellatrix walks towards Frank and pulls him up by the hair, so that he could see me.

"Where is he?" she asks him.

His voice is steady and brave when he answers, "Where. Is. Who?"

Bellatrix looks past me at something and nods. I could feel the confusion wash away from my face as Frank's face drains of all blood.

Then I feel it again, the same slicing of pain. Except, this time my mind does not go into shock. This time, I don't lose my mind.

I feel every second of it.

My body starts shaking uncontrollably as I try in vain to get up. Bellatrix isn't screaming anymore. Her uncontrolled rage has evaporated and a calm brutality has come over her. Her Master is gone. She believes the Order has taken him somewhere, imprisoned him. She believes we know where he is.

She is pulling the last straw at breaking us.

But I'm already breaking apart.

I hear footsteps coming down the stairs, and Neville's cry is getting louder. I try in vain to get up, but she holds me down with the sole of her boot on my spine. I realise I'm crying now, because my vision is blurred and I can see tears pouring down my eyes. I hear a loud terrifying moan and I realise it's mine. I hear Frank trying to calm me down but I have no control over my body. I'm writhing under the sole of her boot, screaming and crying, hoping against hope that this would bring the neighbours in, or stop whoever is on the stairs from bringing my baby to this monster. I shriek over and over again.

Then I hear her laugh.

That makes me stop moving immediately. I slowly turn around to look at Frank and he nods, tears streaming down his eyes. I could almost hear him begging inside his head, "Please Alice. That's what she wants. If you react, she will hurt him. Pretend that this won't change anything. Please. Do it for me. Do it for Neville"

And I quite down immediately. The battle goes inside my head but I don't make a sound. I can bear it for him. I can bear it for my baby.

Bellatrix suddenly shifts from her position. The air has intensified, if that was possible. She realizes what I am doing. She notices the strength in Frank. She looks at him for a long moment, and then at me.

Then she says to Barty, "That can wait"

Instinctively, I snap my head to look at Barty. He violently leaves Neville on the couch and draws his wand. I turn in time to see all of their wands hit Frank with the cruciatus curse at once.

I feel the curse make contact with my body, as if I'm being thrown into fire. The curse penetrates my body, burning every vein and cell as it makes its progress towards my brain. I feel every cell, and they're on fire. I feel my head sinking in the flames little by little, prolonging the process as I refuse to give into hopelessness. Every fiber in my body is fighting against the force of the curse but it is only making it burn stronger and last longer. After what seems like an eternity, the fire consumes my entire being, beating me as I fight even at its end.

But that's just the beginning.

Through the fire I can feel a tingling sensation. It is light and soft, but nevertheless I feel it. I'm surprised at the fact that I could feel anything through all the burning, but I'm more surprised by the fact that my brain is comprehensive and surprised. Shouldn't this unbearable pain kill me dead? Have I not suffered enough? How long would it take? As I moll on it, I feel the tingling get stronger. It is more tangible through the fire now. It feels like something is grazing itself on every inch of the surface of my body. Something pointy.

Something sharp.

Then I feel it indefinitely. Knives through fire. They penetrate my skin through every inch of the length of my skin, all at once, all too strong.

I'm still alive and fully conscious.

No matter how much they threaten Frank by torturing me or threaten me by torturing him, we do not surrender. We do not tell them what they need to know. How could we? We don't know what has happened, and we do not know what's happening out there right now. But it seems as if You Know Who has been captured, or defeated. This would mean that the Order is on the move, rounding up rest of the Death Eaters.

If we could hold on for longer, maybe they'll get here in time to capture them as well. The attack would have set the alarm off. They must be on their way. We just have to hold on until they do, and everything will be all right. You Know Who is gone, Death Eaters would be captured, and our children will be safe. If we hold on for a bit longer, we could end the war once and for all.

Just a bit longer…

Almost there…

Suddenly, the pain stops and every essence of sound in the world ceases to be.

"Get the child"

My head snaps up at Bellatrix's order. Barty is moving towards the couch, towards Neville. They are going to torture my baby.

I hear an ear-splitting scream and nails screeching on wooden floor. I hear the impact of a boot against flesh, over and over again. I hear bones cracking and heels breaking. I hear Frank calling my name over and over again, asking me to calm down and I realize that it is I who am screaming, being kicked and being torn apart. But none of it matters. None of it ever will matter. They're going to torture our son. Our infant son.

I twist under Bellatrix's foot to face Frank, disregarding the heel that's biting into my spine. His eyes are pools of horror and misery but he is concentrating all of his energy on trying to calm me down. He's screaming over the volume of my voice, over and over again, begging me to stay calm, that he won't let anything happen to our baby, while struggling to unbind Rodolphus's charmed hold on him. He looks desolate and I know how much pain this is causing him, but I can't help from screaming at him, demanding that he does something without letting anything happen to Neville. I'm screaming at him as if he doesn't care about our child, and I hate myself for doing it. But I have no control. Everything is about to be lost.

The desolation in his eyes registers in my brain and I finally know that nothing can be done. They will torture my baby and they will make me watch it. I cannot watch it, I will not make myself watch it… and yet, I cannot help but shift my gaze slowly towards my son. I cannot let him out of my sight. I need to make sure that he is within my sight… maybe I can do something… maybe there is something…

But nothing of the sort happens. Barty lifts Neville off the couch and lays him down on the rug, barely a couple of feet away from me, but I'm completely immobilized with hopelessness and fear. Neville starts crying, echoing my own. He raises his head and sees me. His tears cease for the shortest moment as he raises his arms at me, begging me to take him in my arms. He is begging me to protect him, and there's nothing I can do.

I can't watch this.

I cannot watch my baby being tortured.

I cannot bear not being able to protect him.

My son…

No. I can't. I can't watch this. I refuse to watch it. I refuse to accept this. This is not happening…

My son in pain… No. this is not true. None of it is true.

My baby is not going to be hurt. I will not have to see it.

This is not real.

I'm not here. This isn't real.

No one is harming my child. No one will. I'll never let them I'll ne-

I have no child.