The following story is brought to you by Jill's supremely awesome brain, which is currently rattling around in her head, looking for an escape route. The ideas within are all Jill's own, but Kishimoto Masashi owns Naruto.
I am still writing my other stories, but this came to me this morning, and I had to write it. LIFAST will be updated sometime this weekend or on Monday, and LH will be updated… soon. I've been trying to focus on The Woes of Orochimaru so I can end it…
Uchiha Logic
Uchiha Sasuke knew at the age of eight years old that his brother was a genius. No, his brother was more than a genius. His brother was like a god, a deity of his own. Sasuke worshipped him. He could do no wrong.
Even when he flicked Sasuke's forehead.
Being eight years old, this logic made perfect sense to Sasuke, although, oddly enough, when he tried to explain it to other people, like his few friends at school—for who needs friends when they have a god for a brother?—they didn't quite agree. Or, perhaps it wasn't that they disagreed, but they didn't understand the points Sasuke was making.
To him, it was obvious that Itachi was the coolest kami out there, because he just was. When people like Shino and Shikamaru demanded evidence, Sasuke had originally told them that it was obvious because Itachi was his niisan, therefore he was a god.
"That does not make sense," Shino replied.
"This is troublesome. Your brother can't be a god just because he's your brother. Unless you're saying you're a god too," Shikamaru pointed out, viewing Sasuke through one open eye.
"I'm not a god!" Sasuke denied. "But my brother is! Itachi-niisan is awesome!"
"Why?" Shikamaru pressed. "You need more details than that; where's the logic?"
"There is logic! Niisan is amazing!"
"Itachi-san has made quite a few accomplishments," Shino spoke. "He is thirteen but already an ANBU captain."
"Exactly!" Sasuke shouted victoriously.
Shikamaru gave him a withering glance. "Didn't he graduate early, too?"
"See?" Sasuke said, glad they finally understood his feelings. "Itachi also got his Sharingan really young! He's a god!"
"I think that just means he's really smart, not necessarily a god, Sasuke," Shikamaru stated.
"I agree with Shikamaru."
Sasuke stuck his tongue out at them. "You will understand the logic to this one day! Itachi-niisan is a god because he's awesome!"
"Sure, sure," Shikamaru agreed, closing his eyes, and going to sleep.
Of course, all this occurred before the Uchiha Clan Massacre.
After that traumatic event, Sasuke spent all his time going around saying Itachi was a monster who Sasuke would one day kill to avenge his clan.
He ignored the logic of 'normal people' who pointed out that just days before, he had told them Itachi was a god.
Clearly, they were just hearing things or were suffering from some sort of brain malfunction. Itachi had always been evil, and would always be evil. Nothing would change that.
Sasuke conveniently forgot his brother carrying him home after his failed attempt to learn the secret Uchiha method for deflecting kunai and shuriken, along with many other things about his brother.
Like the fact that every day for the past eight years of his life, Itachi had always been there, teaching Sasuke, supporting Sasuke, and trying to help him become strong. And protecting Sasuke.
Oddly enough, Sasuke did remember Itachi poking him in the forehead. In his logical still-eight-years old state of mind, Sasuke decided this was yet another piece of evidence that Itachi was evil.
After all, a kind older brother wouldn't abuse their younger sibling.
Yes, that's right, abuse.
Because poking someone in the forehead is abuse.
So, with Sasuke firmly set on the Path to Vengeance (compared to the Path of Youth that Gai and Lee have chosen to take), Itachi left Konoha, pleased that he had made sure his brother would be strong and protected from Madara and Danzou by turning him into a psychopath. Because there is no other way to protect your younger sibling than by telling them you killed everyone on a spur of the moment decision to test your strength, and they should hate you for it.
And because your brother is also an Uchiha, he will immediately see the logic in this, and agree that, yes, he must kill you because you obviously left him alive for that very purpose.
Because as we all know, insane killers who murder their entire family in one night, with, from most people's perspectives, no help, obviously want someone to come along to kill them later. Otherwise, what is the point in existing?
So Sasuke trained with Team Seven, then eventually ran away to live with a pedophile, all in the name of vengeance, power, and killing Itachi.
Itachi, of course, smiled with pride every time he heard this, and would answer Kisame's questions of his brother's sanity with only one comment: "It is Uchiha logic, my Fishy Friend. Uchiha logic."
Three years later, after Orochimaru failed to properly enter Sasuke's body—no matter how you look at it, there is no way that's not rape—news got back to Konoha of what was going on. In the hopes of saving the last of the Uchiha, Tsunade allowed Naruto to try to capture Itachi to bait Sasuke into coming home. A complicated plan that would have been very much simplified by just saying "Kill the bastards" and handing everyone a machine gun, but let us not dwell there.
When Naruto encountered Itachi in the forest, Itachi trapped him in a genjutsu and inflicted Uchiha logic onto the poor jinchuuriki, thus preventing him from somehow informing his team of who was nearby. Instead, Naruto was forced to tell Itachi about his shadow clones.
Itachi stood and smiled as Naruto explained that his numbers "can go from one to a thousand!" He was so proud of his foolish little brother's friend. It pleased him even more to hear Naruto say that he would do whatever it took to help Sasuke out, so much so that the logic of Itachi mandated he shove a genjutsu crow down Naruto's throat.
How Naruto didn't choke to death is beyond many people's understanding, but most of us just put it down to the fact that it was an illusion.
And moving forward in this logical fashion, Itachi proceeded to leave the clearing while Naruto was wondering, what, exactly, had just occurred, and oh my kami, did he just shove a crow down my throat?
"Screw you, Uchiha's!" Naruto shouted for all the world to hear as he stood in the clearing choking on feathers.
Fortunately, the world wasn't listening, as they were all rather busy doing their own thing. In aforementioned Uchiha's case, they were either killing their brother, attempting to steal their brother's eyeballs, or watching all this with a video camera and snickering about how "Tobi's visitor stats will be so high!"
So Naruto got to keep his gift from Itachi—lucky him—and Itachi finally got his foolish little brother to kill him, just as he had always wanted. It was like Christmas on Easter—really cool, and more than a little wacked up, although Itachi ignored that.
All he had ever wanted was for Sasuke to grow strong. If Itachi had to die for that to happen, then so be it. It is this author's personal opinion that Itachi just didn't consider the alternatives carefully enough, as there have got to be more ways than one to protect your younger siblings, but let us not make a mockery of Itachi's noble sacrifice. Although one has to wonder what the world would be like today if all older siblings thought like Itachi did.
When Sasuke woke up, he was tied up and lying on a mattress in a rather dark basement. A man in all black—apart from his mask—was in the corner of the room, leaning against a table.
"Hi, I'm Madara, your grandfather by many greats," the man said.
"Grandpa!" Sasuke shouted happily, jumping up and rushing over for a hug, even though he was tied up. Hey, he's a ninja, and one who paid attention in the academy for that matter—he knows the Untie Ropes no Jutsu.
"Easy, kid! I haven't even told you anything about me yet! I could be trying to kill you!"
Just as those words left his mouth, the Amaterasu Itachi had planted in Sasuke's eye during their epic battle of Uchiha Logic and Eye Stealing activated, and tried to roast Madara alive.
"Ooh, Itachi always knew I loved smores," Sasuke said, crying. "He gave me his ocular powers just for that! He really is a god!"
Madara, having not heard any of the beginning of this story or the conversations Sasuke had held with his old school friends, had no idea what Sasuke was talking about, and the odd thought crossed his mind that perhaps his young descendant was insane. He dismissed that thought easily. Sasuke was just like him, and was therefore obviously not insane. Uchiha logic is still working, good, he thought.
"So, what did you want to say, Madara-jiji?" Sasuke asked, wiping his nose on his blanket.
"Ah, yes." Madara cleared his throat. "I, the great Uchiha Madara, am here to tell you the truth about your brother!"
"The truth?" Sasuke asked, confused.
Madara nodded. "Yes. You think he killed your family because he wanted to measure his container, right?"
"That's what he said," Sasuke said, sounding very sure of himself. If Itachi said it, it was right. Sasuke had known this all along, really.
"Yes, he did say that. But he was lying!" Madara proclaimed dramatically, hoping for a reaction.
He was not disappointed. Sasuke gasped in horror at the thought of his wonderful and virtuous older brother—the one he decided he hated after Itachi told him to—lying. "No! Itachi wouldn't do that! He would never lie!"
"You said the same thing after he killed your family."
Sasuke thought back. Yes, he had said that Itachi wouldn't really kill the clan just to test his strength, but then Itachi had said he was lying about being a nice older brother for eight years, and Sasuke had believed him. Sasuke gasped again. Did that mean Itachi was lying when he said that he wasn't really nice? "I don't understand," he said.
"I helped Itachi kill the clan. He didn't want to kill you because you were his precious otoutou."
"Liar!" Sasuke shouted in a very mature manner—because sixteen-year-olds telling immortals that they are lying is mature. "Itachi told me he was really evil, and he killed the clan alone to test his strength. He said he left me alive so that he could use me to test his strength later! And I believe him! I always will!"
Madara blinked. Was I this stupid once? he thought. No, he answered a moment later. I am reminded once more that killing my entire family was definitely a good idea. "Sasuke, Itachi was lying about being evil and lying about wanting to measure his strength," he tried to explain patiently.
"No, you're the liar. I know about you. You sent the Kyuubi to Konoha. Itachi told me!"
Madara sighed. "Do you believe everything Itachi tells you or are you still tired?" Please be still tired. I will find a way to undo my immortality if my sole living relative is really this dumb.
"I believe everything anybody tells me!" Sasuke declared.
Madara face-palmed. "I'm going to go now. I'll be back when you're more rested."
"Bye-bye, Grandpa!" Sasuke said, reaching out for another hug.
Madara quickly shunshined away.
"Hmm, he didn't seem to like my answers," Sasuke said aloud after he was gone. "Maybe his Uchiha logic has died."
Or maybe Uchiha logic in general is just really, really stupid.
For when Madara came back a few hours later, and re-explained to Sasuke all that had occurred in Konoha, Sasuke had logically decided that killing everyone in Konoha was the way to go. He would start with the councilors and work his way down until all of Konoha paid for his suffering, even though the only ones who had really caused it were the three old farts of Konoha who everyone agrees with killing and the last super-old fart who Sasuke was agreeing to help.
However, in Uchiha logic, killing a whole city is nothing. Just look at the other things the Uchiha have done, and you will most likely find yourself agreeing with this sentiment.
AN: