Trick, a naruto fanfic

trick, noun: an attempt to get you to do something foolish or imprudent

Disclaimer: All copyrighted material rightfully belong to their respective owners.

...

jii-chan - old man

Trick

Kaiserin Firebird

The sun up there shined brightly this morning, in the Village Hidden in the Leaves.

Uchiha Sasuke was walking down some random street in Konoha, inhaling the scent of dango in the air. He ignored it, determinedly walking in a straight line. He had training to do, after all. He was definitely out-of-shape. Ever since his house arrest ended, his teammate/self-proclaimed-brother, Uzumaki Naruto, had dragged him back and forth to Ichiraku day after day, not allowing him any time to train. The blonde claimed it was good for him, since Sasuke was supposedly malnourished. The only food the ANBU allowed into his manor-like home was bread, apples, and more bread. Sasuke knew that wasn't exactly nutritious, but he didn't understand how ramen would be otherwise.

It was only noodles, broth, meat, and a boatload of additives.

It would not help him get back into his ideal shape.

Besides, he was getting tired of it already.

Yes, the infamous Uchiha traitor was finally back, after being gone for five-and-a-half years. Naruto dragged his 'sorry ass' back into Konoha, then woke Sakura in the dead of the night and asked her to heal him right outside her front door. She agreed, of course. With a voice rough from sleep—but still very loud, she then reprimanded Naruto while repairing tissues, organs, and skin. It wasn't a pleasant sight.

"You stupid, stupid idiot! You should've gone to the Hospital instead, Tsunade-sama would still be awake at this time, you know!"

"But Sakura-chaaaan--!" was his only reply.

Speaking of Naruto, said self-proclaimed Rokudaime was now jogging towards him.

Sasuke took a deep breath. Haaaa.

It was going to be a long day.

"So you see, teme, I was visiting Sakura-chan this morning. We had this big fight about my so-called 'problems', which aren't even problems at all! It was only a broken vase! She could just replace it, but she then she had to call it her favorite. Then she started blamed me for a million of other things, like the way I spilled coffee on her clothes last week, or how she tripped and twisted her ankle on a banana peel I dropped on the floor a long, long time ago. And I thought I was forgiven!" Naruto complained.

"Geez, women!"

Sasuke was attempting to run his way out of this situation, pumping chakra on his legs. He tried to speed his pace up to the Third Training Ground. He didn't run far enough to drown out Naruto's voice, though.

"Why do they have to be so high-maintenance?"

"Why can't they just forgive and forget?"

"I honestly don't know how Sakura-chan and I could stay in a relationship if she's always going to be this way!"

...

That stopped Uchiha Sasuke in his tracks, made him turn around a hundred-eighty degrees, and stare at him as if he were a fish trying to fly.

"Listen, Naruto," he said, "What makes you think you are in a relationship with Sakura?"

"We go out and have dinner every week, I take her home, and I fetch her from the Hospital late at night. I give her flowers every now and then, and she's always the one who heals me when I'm back from a mission. How is she not my girlfriend?"

"There would be millions of men who would be willing to do those things for her. We do those things for her, you just overdo it with the flowers. Tell me, has she even told you that she loved you?"

Oh, shit. "No," Naruto replied, looking down at his shoes, seemingly more interested in the old grey sneakers he always wore around town.

"I'm tired of listening to you whining about your arguments with Sakura, now that I know you're not even together. Unless you find some way to prove to me that she actually loves you in twenty-four hours, I'm not going to listen to anything you say for the rest of the month."

"Is that a challenge, teme?" Naruto had this little grin plastered all over his face.

Silence. Sasuke had already sped past him. Far, far away.

"I'm taking it, either way. I don't back down from any challenge!"

After all, that was probably the longest thing Sasuke told him since he started fetching him from his gigantic house for his daily breakfast of ramen.

Naruto thought about who he should ask first. He couldn't do it alone in twenty-four hours. In a week, maybe. But in twenty-four hours? Never. So who should he go to?

Sasuke was obviously out of the question.

Sakura, no.

Sai would just go "Dickless." on him and tell him to ask Sakura to say it to him, that moron.

Kakashi would just tell him to give some Icha Icha Tactics to Sakura. That ought to make her confess. "My gosh, Naruto! I love you so much!"

Yamato and Jiraiya were out of Konoha on missions.

Tsunade would just boot him out of her office.

Lee would take this as a chance to woo Sakura again. He just quit a month ago. Naruto still couldn't believe it.

He wasn't close to Neji or Tenten.

Shikamaru would just act like the ass he usually was and go, "Troublesome."

Chouji sucked at girl problems.

That left Ino.

Perfect.

In his quest to prove to Sasuke that Sakura loved him, Naruto found himself right outside the entrance of the Yamanaka Flower Shop.

Without even knocking, the door opened for him, revealing a certain Yamanaka Ino clad in her uniform, a light yellow blouse, brown pants, and a green apron on top. Her hair was up in its usual ponytail, and her eyes were bright and happy. Unlike most of Konoha's residents, she was one early riser.

The Yamanaka Flower Shop was a place Naruto visited often, not only for buying flowers for Sakura. He often went there for 'girl' (read: Sakura) advice, just as he was now. It was small and quaint; the scent of the flowers was in the air, strong, but definitely not overpowering. There were varieties of flowers on the sides, white and red roses, chrysanthemums, geraniums, and stargazers were only some. Then there were some of the more exotic ones, labeled by the cards on top of their buckets.

"So, what are you here for, Naruto? Flowers? Advice? Me?" she joked.

"Well, I've got this dare from Sasuke. He wants me to prove to him that Sakura loves me--"

"That's going to be hard. She isn't one for showy displays of affection."

"--even if it's obvious!"

"Wait," Naruto said, looking confused, "she isn't? I thought she confessed her heart out for Sasuke when he left, so she must have it somewhere in her."

"Do you seriously expect her to stay the exact same way after five years, Naruto? She has grown, of course. She's more mature now, and Forehead doesn't exactly do PDA's now, does she?" Ino was sliding back to the counter at the back of the shop, her footsteps light and soundless.

"Crap… So that's why she doesn't kiss me! What do I do now?"

"Easy," Ino said with a little look in her eye, which screamed mischievous, "You'll have to trick her into doing it."

"How?"

"I don't know with you. Figure it out yourself. I heard that Kakashi called you 'number one ninja in surprising people'. Live up to that reputation."

"You seriously won't help me?" Naruto asked disbelievingly. Ino was one who would always gladly embarrass Sakura, just for her own entertainment (or Konoha's, for that matter). He couldn't understand why Sakura would let her do that, but he guessed it was just a woman thing.

"I can't. I want to, but I can't. If I did something, Sakura would find out right away and go after my head. We just had this big fight, after all. You know her temper, she would hate me for months!" with a sly grin, Ino continued, "Besides, isn't it more fun to do it yourself? You'll be able to brag about it to Sasuke, you know."

"Oh yeah, forgot about that. Thanks, anyway."

With that, Naruto walked away from the Yamanaka Flower Shop, with a determined look in his blue eyes. He was going to get that confession, by whatever means possible.

Ino leaned on her elbow, Sorry, Naruto, but you really have to do it yourself.

Dammit! I already had a good plan in mind.

So now, our lone protagonist—with his dire, dire problem, was walking past a certain novelty store he frequented before. In his days of yore, the days when he was still a prankster, before he achieved genin status. This was the only store he visited when back then—aside from Ichiraku, of course. It was chock-full of trick toys, trick books, trick games, anything of the sort. He actually didn't know how he remembered the way back to this place; it had been more than ten years, after all.

He quit prankster-ing after the hitai-ate was first tied on his forehead.

He stepped inside the dusty old store. Looking around, it still felt the same, just a bit more moldy and old-smelling. The books were still lined by the shelf, in an obviously confusing matter. The ceiling still had a lot of crazy hangings, some had corny jokes written on them.

…

His perusal of the store was interrupted when he heard someone say, "Hora! It's you, Naruto-chan! What brings you here? It's been so long!"

Naruto was shocked, he thought this man was dead! "Eh?! You're alive, jii-chan!"

"You stupid boy, of course I am! Do you think this place would still be here if I were dead?"

Naruto looked at the old man right beside him; he was certainly an elder now. He was balding already, but he still had some white hair around his head. His face was full of wrinkles, his eyes were kind, his smile inviting. He was still the old shopkeeper he loved—albeit walking with a cane now, and Naruto was glad he could see him again.

"Oh, yeah! Sorry 'bout that… Anyway, I got this problem. You see, Sasuke-teme—"

"The Uchiha traitor? You're still friends with him?"

"Yeah! I told him that Sakura and I were in a relationship—"

"Haruno Sakura? You and the Godaime's apprentice are together? Nice catch, Naruto. I knew I taught you well!"

"Bu-u-t I accidentally let it slip that Sakura-chan never told me that she loved me—"

The old man interrupted again, for the third time. "How could she?! You're such a charming boy…"

"Thanks for the compliment, jii-chan. But will you please stop cutting me off?" Naruto whined; he had a problem on hand!

They were the only two people in the shop, but their conversation could be heard by the entire block— that was, by some stroke of luck, empty.

"Naruto-chan, I haven't seen you for years! I don't know what you've been up to, I've been stuck here for such a long time! I'm too old to go out already, don't you know that?" the old man spoke fondly.

"I'll tell you everything once I'm done, okay?" he continued on immediately, not giving the old man a chance to interrupt, "Sasuke-teme heard, of course. Then he dared me to find a way to make Sakura confess that she loved me in twenty-four hours, or he would stop talking to me for a month!"

Naruto forged forward, rambling. "I know talking to teme is like talking to a rock, but if he says that he would stop talking to me for a month, then he'll hide from me so far away I couldn't find him—for a month. His house arrest just ended, and Sakura-chan and I have to go bring him back to society! He can't be this—avenger guy forever! Itachi's already dead!"

"Calm down, Naruto-chan," the old man said, placing pacifying hand on the shinobi's arm. He tried to shy away, but his grip was firm, "You're thinking about it too much!"

"No, I'm not!"

"You are! Listen, I'll give you this nifty little thing I used to calm my old woman down after a big fight a long, long time ago. It's a bit yellowed at the edges, though. But I think you, with your skills, would be able to use it well. Come here."

Naruto followed the old man, and he silently whispered his instructions, so silently it couldn't be written down here.

Uzumaki Naruto's cheers later, however, could be expressed.

"THANKS A LOT, JII-CHAN! I LOVE YOU!"

Naruto snatched a few things from a few other places, and found himself standing in front of Sakura's apartment door a few hours later. He could only hope he was good at impersonation.

Yamanaka Ino was lounging in Haruno Sakura's couch-chair, feet crossed, arms on her knees.

"What are you doing here, Ino? Didn't I tell you to leave me alone yesterday?"

"Well, I heard from someone you had this problem with Naruto. You'll have a mission with him next week, right? It wouldn't be good for your mission if you were fighting against your teammate, you know. So I brought you some therapy stuff to help."

"Ino-pig, I don't need therapy! I don't need you droning on and on about how I should do the right thing and make up with whoever it is you're talking about," Sakura retorted.

"It's Naruto, Forehead. He's different. Listen, I brought this thing I found in my parent's room, and I want you to try answering it. I tried doing it long ago, and it works! I swear."

"I don't want it," Sakura deadpanned.

"Come on, try it!"

"No."

"You know you want to."

"No."

Sakura was beginning to roughly drag Ino out of her comfortable chair, near the door.

"Hear me out. I know it's S-ranked. Tsunade-sama's going to kill you if you won't do it right. It's your first one!"

Sakura looked haughtily at her friend, who, in her opinion, wasn't acting like a friend at all right now. "I can solve it myself, I don't need your help."

"Just try it, Forehead." Ino said, with a sigh.

"Will doing this shut you up?"

"You think?"

"That's good enough."

With a smile, Yamanaka Ino handed Sakura two yellowing pieces of paper. It would help solve all her problems right away, and leaving her something to laugh about for a long, long time.

The first paper read:

You hate (insert name here) because

Sakura was pissed.

"Is this therapy?"

"This is stupid."

Scribble.

Ino was adamant. Sakura would fill in these papers, whether she like it or not.

Scribble.

"It helps, I swear to God. It helped me with my problems with Shikamaru, so it would probably solve yours right away. After all, it's Naruto. There's lots of stuff to hate about him."

"Wow, you sure seem desperate," Sakura said with an obviously bored voice.

Fifteen minutes later, it was done—Haruno Sakura's well thought-out list of things to hate about Uzumaki Naruto.

It read:

You hate Uzumaki Naruto because…

1. Uzumaki Naruto is Uzumaki Naruto.

He is who he is. He is loud, unbearably stupid, annoying, and I can't stand to stay with him for ten minutes straight without whacking his head, you know? Uzumaki Naruto is just that unlikable!

2. Uzumaki Naruto is an idiot. He is the idiot among idiots.

He can't even follow simple instructions—when I told him I didn't want any foodstuff for my birthday, he gave me ramen.

He can't even spell correctly. He thought the newspaper was read left-to-right.

He used to be at the bottom of the class, bottom of every subject at the Academy. I even had to explain the mechanics of chakra to him when we first met. I think we just graduated from learning those things, didn't we?

Proof enough?

3. Uzumaki Naruto is clumsy.

He drops coffee all over my clothes, breaks my favorite vase, and spills any liquid he comes across.

And I had to heal him more than once because he just keeps on tripping again and again.

It's so annoying.

4. Uzumaki Naruto is loud.

He screams like a banshee. He screeches at Tsunade-sama herself, bellows, "Teme, I'll beat you black and blue today, 'ttebayo!" to Sasuke every time they spar (which is every other hour, I think), almost ruins every mission we have because he can't be stealthy.

He moves like an elephant. He sounds a hundred trumpets when we ambush an enemy with a hundred bunshin. If he doesn't do that, then he charges with a war cry so loud, birds fly.

Just wondering, though, does he ever get sore throat?

So he could just stay home and shut up, even just for one day.

5. Uzumaki Naruto is annoying.

This is probably the main reason why he lives, to annoy others. He does to me, especially, every day.

From the morning, my wake-up call is "Sakura-chan, get up! Get up, Sakura-chan!"

Then, to the afternoon, "Sakura-chan, want to go out for a date?"

Naruto, you idiot. You don't ask a girl out for a date every single day!

When the evening rolls around, "Sakura-chan! Sasuke-teme! Let's go eat at Ichiraku!"

He is so damn annoying I could just smack him over the head every hour.

I think I already do.

"Forehead, do you hate him so much your list had to fill an entire page, front and back?" Ino drawled.

"Shut up, Ino-pig. Be glad I'm even writing this thing. I never wanted to do it in the first place."

6. Uzumaki Naruto is stubborn to the point of… pointlessness? Ridiculous.

He has asked me out for a date every single day, since the day we first became a team—excluding the years he trained with Jiraiya-sama, of course. I thought I already said 'no' tens of times in a row.

(Couldn't he just grab the hint? It was obvious enough.)

He busts in to save Tsunade-sama even if she already told him not to save her. That idiot!

(If you're wondering how I know this, shishou told me this little misadventure of hers while teaching me how to fight another med-nin. From what I can remember, Kabuto seems like an even freakier guy to me now compared to before.)

He is so stubborn that he actually told the other nurses he wouldn't let anyone else heal him but me.

Sweet, but stupid all the same.

He was bleeding out of a hundred and more cuts at that time! He could've died if I hadn't arrived at the Hospital at two in the morning, with eyebags under my eyes and wearing only a frilly nightgown.

Stupid.

7. Uzumaki Naruto is a closet pervert.

Did you think he was under Jiraiya-sama for nothing, Ino?

Of course not.

He learned. He learned a lot. He learned how to use the Rasengan, how to dispel genjutsu, and much to the dismay of women everywhere, how to be a pervert.

Yes, I have evidence. I was visiting his apartment two weeks back when I caught him sitting on the couch and reading Icha Icha. Really, he was blushing way too hard for it not to be true. His cheeks were flaming!

Well, he did tell me it was because of a dare, but I don't buy it. It's stupid, and I think only Kakashi-sensei would take that kind of dare, only because he does it already.

I think he even snoops at women at the onsen. I think I saw him do that during our first mission with Yamato-sensei.

Believe me, I will find evidence!

…Eventually.

8. Uzumaki Naruto is more trouble than he's worth.

I mean, he is a good shinobi. He could easily bring down other nin. He has an extremely large amount of chakra at his disposal. He can last longer than the average shinobi.

But look at it this way, he defies direct orders. He often breaks mission parameters, ruins a chance to ambush a target by revealing his chakra signature the moment we arrive, and a million other things.

Sure, his actions help friends, which is good, but it doesn't help our team's image with Tsunade-sama.

She almost always scolds us after every mission, but to me, in particular. She expects me to keep Naruto in line, to make sure he doesn't cause too much of a ruckus—but he still does. You can figure out the rest.

9. Uzumaki Naruto has extreme body odor.

When boys sweat, they sweat a lot. They smell a lot.

He's a prodigy at this thing (and it's possibly the only thing he's good at, you know.) When this guy sweats, not only does he sweat a lot, he smells a lot.

Honestly! Every time I train with him, I have to make sure I brought some heavy-duty perfume.

My precious bottles disappear by the week.

10. Uzumaki Naruto's too damn addicted to ramen!

Now, I don't have anything against ramen itself, or to Ichiraku, but Naruto's addiction to ramen is insane! He eats as dinner, lunch, breakfast, and snack. It's not very healthy, you know.

He always drags Sasuke and I to ramen right after training, right after every mission, right after work, it becomes a routine.

Funny, I should be writing why I hate him here. I don't even think this one qualifies as a reason to hate Naruto.

Ramen, after all, is already part of his persona, however wrong that sounds.

The Yamanaka winced. Yes, she had been in Sakura's head once, but she didn't know a person like her could hate someone this much.

So she mumbled under her breath, "I really think you overdid it, forehead. Naruto isn't that annoying."

Sakura, still irritated, snappily said, "You asked me to write reasons why I hated him. I just delivered."

"Now, now, Sakura," Ino chided, "calm down!"

Said medic-nin didn't look like she would anytime soon.

"Turn to the next page! You still have to finish this list of yours, don't you?"

"Alright, alright," the pink-haired girl sighed. "I'm doing this only because you're my friend. If you end up showing this to Naruto, I'll kill you so bad even Tsunade-sama couldn't heal you."

Ino just laughed.

The second page, to Sakura's irritation, contained:

But you love (insert name here) all the same because…

"Ino-pig, do I seriously have to fill this up? Didn't I just tell you I hated him? I. Don't. Love. Naruto!"

"You know you do. Just go on and write, Sakura."

"This is full of crap."

Scribble.

"Waste of time, Ino. Wait 'til I finish this one, I'll beat you with it."

Scribble.

"Can you actually beat me up with two pieces of paper? Stop whining!"

Scribble.

"I'm done, Ino." That was Sakura. "Get out of my house already."

Ino, like the excited woman she was, daintily grabbed the paper and started to read.

The heavily written on page looked something like this:

But you love Uzumaki Naruto all the same because…

Uzumaki Naruto is Uzumaki Naruto.

He's an idiot, he's clumsy, he's loud.

He's a pervert, an idiot, stupid—like all blondes are, take that, Ino!

He smells, he's stubborn, and I just want to shut his mouth and send him to Tartarus--okay, I think that was just too deep. Rephrase!

He smells, he's too stubborn, and I just want to shut his mouth and hate him until the end of time.

To my not complete and utter shock, I don't.

At least, not as much as I should.

Naruto is Naruto, and I love him.

I love him because he's so sweet, so kind—to the point of stupidity! He's always there for me, and he just makes me happy. To be honest, I could say he's the sunshine in my life, and actually mean it.

He may be an idiot, but he's my idiot.

..And besides, Ino, he's probably going to become Hokage anyway (no matter how ridiculous that sounds, Naruto is that influential, you know.)

Doesn't being the Hokage's wife have its perks, 'ttebayo?

Sakura only realized her mistake later.

"Dammit, was I stupid enough to imply that I wanted Naruto to marry me?"

'Ino' had a laugh reading the paper.

Poof!

Naruto, on the other hand, was hysterical.

"Told you she loved me, Sasuke! Just wait 'til you see this!"

He looked at his watch.

It only took him eight hours.

….

When Uchiha Sasuke felt the chakra signature of a certain blond shinobi, he knew he was going to be in for a long ride. Naruto would be bragging about this particular 'achievement' for years.

-finis-

Love is a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species.
- William Somerset Maugham

This was actually finished long ago, but I only had the energy to write it right now.

Have fun watching the SONA, for those of you in the Philippines.

I don't think I will.

Thanks for taking the time to finish 'Trick,' I hope you liked it.

Regards,
Kaiserin

Some story stats:

First Draft: June 08, 2008, eight thrity-eight in the evening.
Date Finished: July 28, 2008, eleven seven in the morning.
Latest Revision: August 13, 2008, eight eighteen in the evening.
Word Count: four thousand, one hundred and twenty-five words.