A/N: After the news yesterday that I'm going to be an auntie (YAY) I really wanted to post this. It's been something I have been working on for a while, only five or so chapters long, about their life after Matthew's death. I know this kind of thing has been done before, and some things might be similar to those already written, but this was a next step before I can feel comfortable writing something longer. So please let me know what you think, reviews are always welcome. Thank you to testship for reading this through for me. The rest of the chapters will follow fairly soon.

Forty-one days 'til Downton!

Disclaimer: Anything you recognise will belong to ITV, Fellowes etc. Will be the same with chapters 1-5.

More Than Just A Dream, pussycatwithattitude

Chapter One

February, 1922

It had been six months since the trip to Scotland. Six months since Matthew Crawley had passed away in the tragic accident that had left Lady Mary Crawley a widow and their son, George Crawley, fatherless. Life had changed dramatically in those six months, not only for the family upstairs but for the servants downstairs too. Any semblance of routine had disappeared and, despite Mr Carson and his attempts to calm the storm that followed in the weeks after the funeral, even he had to admit that not everything could go on unaffected. Dinner was served to pale, solemn faces and food was barely finished. Mealtime in the servants' hall was often silent, and even the more outspoken of the servants knew when to keep silent and have some respect. His agony for Lady Mary especially could be seen by anyone who knew him, and at times it seemed like the only way for him to regain some sort of perspective after the accident was to impose control. Mrs Hughes would keep to a similar routine and immersed herself, and the maids, in work just to keep them all afloat and to ensure the family knew not everything was falling apart around them. Mr Bates would often remain late with His Lordship, attempting to ease his worries about the present and the future so soon after the death of his youngest daughter.

And then Anna…

Anna rolled over tiredly in her own bed, instantly bringing her hands up to her eyes to rub the sleep out of them. She then proceeded to reach out for her husband who she found in bed beside her, surprisingly still sleeping peacefully. Their sleeping patterns had been subject to change over the past six months. Often John had been the one to wake early and attempt to rouse her from sleep, but since Anna's time with Lady Mary became more and more frequent, often comforting her in times of grief when sleep eluded her, her sleeping patterns had altered. Often in the first few months following Matthew's death, Anna had stayed with her lady during the night on a camp bed, when her nightmares had been frequent. There had also been a series of nights where she had stayed in her old room in the servants' quarters, ready to be on hand if she had been needed. Anna had apologised to John on quite a few occasions for their time apart, but he had dismissed them almost immediately, reiterating that she was needed here.

But now, six months later, life was finally beginning to get back to normal. Well, normal was perhaps the wrong word – the house was still living under the cloud of grief that had arrived ever since that fateful day in September. But nevertheless, Anna now slept beside her husband again, and nothing in her life had ever felt as normal as this.

Anna took this rare moment to take in her husband's sleeping appearance. The sun was slowly beginning to rise and evidence of that could be seen as the rays streamed through the crack in the curtains, the light splaying across his face although not enough to wake him. The sunlight danced across his skin, creating a foreign glow that Anna delighted in seeing. Anna propped herself up with one hand, watching him with a soft, contemplative smile across her face.

Life had not been perfect since his release from prison, but it had certainly been enjoyable. Sometimes the earlier mornings and the later nights would prove to be irritable for her patience, her temper flaring occasionally, most of the time aimed at her husband. But a lot of their time was spent in domestic bliss, and Anna could barely remember a time in her life when she had been happier.

However, in her more contemplative state, Anna could not help but let the topic in her mind rest upon their future now that her present was so perfect, and the prospect of having children of their own. Whilst she had spent a lot of the past six months helping her lady, she had also helped in tending to the six-month-old boy whose charming smile and excited babbling had already captured her heart. She couldn't lie to herself; she wanted a child with John. It didn't escape her mind that John had been released from prison for almost eighteen months and she was yet to be with child, and she was almost one hundred percent certain that neither of them were doing anything wrong…

Was it her? After all, she was hardly young anymore… Of course, John would disagree with her. She had once complained that she had what looked like a white hair, and he had dismissed any matter of her age immediately, reiterating that she was still young, beautiful and captivating to him, each one of these punctuated with a kiss to her neck that led her to pull him seductively into their bedroom. But the fact still remained that she was no longer young and that most women started families when they were often ten years younger than she currently was. Maybe she was no longer fit to be a mother.

Her thoughts were quickly admonished as her husband roused from his sleep. She would never let him fall witness to her troubles, especially as he would probably find them silly.

Bates sleepily groaned and turned over onto his side, Anna shuffling herself down further into the duvet covers so she could look at him. When Bates opened his eyes, he saw his wife smiling at him, seemingly fully awake.

"How long have you been awake?"

"Not long," she answered unmoving, content to watch him for now.

"You should have woken me," Bates smiled, moving his hand to rest upon her waist. Although his comment was seemingly innocent, the glint in his eye told her something else entirely.

"We still have time," Anna replied coyly, leaning across to kiss her husband as they proceeded to say good morning properly.

Anna had not seen John since they arrived at the house that morning. Lord Grantham had wanted his riding clothes, and this ensured his valet would be spending a lot of his time cleaning, searching and preparing for his ride later that afternoon. Anna had often teased John that he should clean His Lordship's boots immediately after a riding session and save the dull, inevitable and, as time passed, harder task when the time would come again. But it seemed he never did listen, or he always had other work to complete.

Either way, Anna had not seen her husband for all of that morning.

After luncheon, when he had still not appeared, she decided to go in search of him. She climbed the stairs into the body of the main house and was about to turn down another of the long corridors when she heard the cry of a baby coming from one of the rooms. Anna stopped for a moment, assuming that the nanny would tend to baby George, however a minute later the cries could still be heard.

Looking around her and seeing that no one was nearby – and there was definitely no maid – she turned back to the room and opened the door slightly.

Baby George was in his cradle by the window, his growing limbs flailing in the air and his cries becoming increasingly louder as the seconds passed without the attention he desired. His persistence and tenacity was something he definitely got from his mother, Anna thought with a smile.

Without a second thought Anna crossed the room and reached down for George. She had spent countless times with the baby since Mr Matthew had passed away so tragically, her lady becoming so lost in her grief that she often turned to Anna as a main source for help with her son. In those first few months, trust had become an issue for the grieving Lady Mary, and Anna was one of the few she could trust to look after her son, seemingly her one remaining source of hope and light. Needless to say, the little boy had become quite familiar with Anna.

George squealed happily upon seeing her and lifted his arms to be held.

Anna obliged, holding George upright against her, bouncing him up and down softly and causing him to quieten a little. "Now then, what's all this?"

The question seemed to bring back all that was the matter with him, for he started to cry again, attention evidently not being the reason for his former cries.

Anna continued to move him up and down in her arms, thinking quickly. If the schedule had been kept then he would have been fed just a while ago, therefore he could not be hungry and quick inspection told her that he did not need changing.

She looked around the room, searching for the source of his discomfort. "Are you going to lend me a hand here?" Anna turned her head to George, his eyes glistening. A quick scan along the floor, however, and the discovery that his favourite teddy bear had fallen told Anna all that she needed to know.

Bending to the floor carefully, she scooped up the bear and handed it to the little boy whose cries instantly faded. George instead began to smile and he held out the bear to Anna, showing her.

"Yes, that's a very nice bear," Anna spoke to George. "Mr Carson bought you that, didn't he?"

George had stopped crying completely now, and instead was happily laughing and babbling along to Anna's conversation. Anna seemed to be saying the right thing because George continued to laugh along to her voice and the gestures she made. He would occasionally lunge forward in her arms and place his little hand upon her cheek. Anna moved forward to look out of the large window that overlooked the grounds, pointing out in the hope that George would look.

They both observed the grounds together and as little George made certain cooing noises, Anna replied to his observations which were apparently satisfactory to the little boy. He laughed and pressed his hands against the glass, his curious eyes scanning the grounds below.

Anna was so caught in her moment with baby George that she did not notice Mrs Hughes entering the room through the door behind her. As Anna looked out of the window at the spectacular grounds below, the older woman approached her from behind. To gain her attention and not frighten her, Mrs Hughes placed a gentle hand upon her shoulder, causing Anna to turn around, still visibly surprised.

"Oh, Mrs Hughes, I was just…"

"No need to fret, my girl," Mrs Hughes noticed and soothed. She raised a hand to pat George's cheek affectionately. "I can see all is well here."

"He was crying that's all, and we couldn't find nanny, could we?" Anna directed her statement from Mrs Hughes to the little boy who was beaming as Anna bounced him on her hip.

Mrs Hughes smiled. "I can see you're a natural with him."

Anna smiled shyly. "I love children. Perhaps it's because I grew up with younger siblings."

Mrs Hughes continued to smile fondly although she could see Anna's appearance changed just a little. Her eyes seemed to grow a little darker at the topic of children, and for a moment the older woman contemplated the idea of asking Anna whether anything was the matter.

However, just as Mrs Hughes was about to open her mouth, she closed it again. She decided that the conversation, if it was ever needed, would wait for another day.

Besides, Anna was now talking happily to little George again and he seemed perfectly content on putting the rattle Anna had just seconds ago handed to him into his mouth. His teeth had recently begun to come through and she had heard that this had become a problem at night, when he would wake and cry painfully.

"Look at him," Mrs Hughes commented affectionately, reaching out her hand to stroke his cheek. "The image of his mother, really."

Just the mention of his parents caused a pregnant silence to descend upon the two women in the room, the events of six months ago still sore.

It was Anna who finally spoke up. "He definitely has some of Mr Crawley about him, though."

Little George seemed to pick up on their silence and cooed loudly just as the nanny entered into the room behind them. "Oh, sorry," Eve apologised as she noticed the housekeeper and the lady's maid tending to her charge. "I only popped downstairs to check his bed clothes were washed and dried for later."

"No worry, my girl," Mrs Hughes smiled. "We think his teeth were hurting a little is all."

Eve smiled considerately before stepping forward and relieving Anna of the baby.

Mrs Hughes noticed another distinct change in Anna once the baby was out of her arms and decided that now was the time to head back downstairs. "Right, well we should go back downstairs, Anna," she announced tentatively.

Anna followed her out of the nursery and once they were away from the door and down the corridor, away and safe from wanton ears, Mrs Hughes spoke to the younger woman softly, "You know, if you ever need to talk…"

The suggestion almost seemed to change something inside Anna, because she now visibly shook herself and her back straightened. "I'm fine, Mrs Hughes. Don't worry about me."

Anna could only walk past the housekeeper for a moment before she felt a hand upon her arm, causing her to turn around.

"I mean it, Anna," she spoke softly and reassuringly.

Yet whilst Anna appreciated the gesture and her expression softened, her resolve remained the same, "Honestly, it's nothing."

Mrs Hughes graciously accepted defeat here, that much could be seen through her smile. "If you say so," she conceded before leading the way back downstairs.

And Anna would have momentarily forgotten about the idea of children if Ivy had not started a conversation about young Sybbie as soon as she had sat down in the servants' hall. Luckily Mrs Hughes had gone into her sitting room. It seemed that the little girl had taken after her mother in more ways than one, having toddled down into the servants' quarters early that afternoon and spent some time drawing with her crayons in Mr Carson's pantry.

Anna smiled in kind gesture of the conversation before turning away to some mending that she had yet to complete for Lady Mary.

Yet Ivy's words persisted in entering her mind.

"Oh but she's such a lovely little thing," Ivy cooed. "Do you think you and Mr Bates will ever have children, Anna?"

Anna was grateful for Mr Carson right then whose spluttering choke as he entered the room gave her the excuse to not respond.

"I hardly believe this is a suitable conversation for the dinner table." And neither was the thought of a pregnant lady's maid.

But even though the conversation died after Mr Carson's blessed interruption, Anna still could not help but feel crestfallen. She had spent a lot of time with baby George over the last six months, aware that she became one of the few people Lady Mary could trust to look after her child after the tragic death of her husband. And the fact was, Anna had become so busy looking after the small child that now, after everything was slowly falling back into a routine, she felt almost lost without it. She wanted a child of her own and yearned for it to happen more than anything else in the world.

She and John had promised after he had been released from prison that they would take the next couple of years one step at a time. They would not think to the future if they did not have to. They would take it one day at a time and revel in their time together after being apart for so long. And that meant that the subject of children had not risen very often. When Lady Mary had first discovered she was expecting Anna had fallen into the same contemplative state she was now, and when it had become known in the household, she and John had discussed it, but to no lengths.

Anna knew John wanted children. She fondly remembered a time in the servants' hall when they had talked about children and owning a little hotel in the future. But nature seemed to dictate that now was not the time for them to have children. Or maybe ever.

The thought was an extremely painful one.

Anna knew she would always love John, nothing could ever change that. But she had always thought that if she would ever marry, she would become a mother too. Of course, there were other options if it was never to be… But the thought of turning to adoption was a very final one.

Anna swallowed determinedly, feeling her eyes begin to sting as she focused on the stitching of Lady Mary's summer dress, although one that she was no closer to wearing again, still in black. She sighed. The conversations happening around her all began to blur together and suddenly Anna felt claustrophobic in the hall. Everything was becoming too much. She needed to relieve her mind.

She stood up abruptly and muttered some sort of excuse to those who actually turned their heads before walking out towards the courtyard in desperate need of fresh air.

Anna opened the back door and instantly took in a deep breath, gracious of the air. She walked across to a stack of wooden crates and leant against them, letting her head lift to view the sky above. She took a few more deep breaths before going back to normal. She closed her eyes, letting the light wind sweep across her face.

She remained that way for a while. For how long, she couldn't say, but that eventually Bates came outside looking for her.

"Anna?" he called out to her, walking across the courtyard to be at her side.

Her head instantly fell and her eyes opened. A rush of relief washed over her, something that had become frequent in their times together. Anna smiled, however as she did her lip began to tremble.

She tried to stop it but he noticed.

"What is it, Anna?" He asked, concerned. "The others said you just got up and walked out here. You look pale…"

"I'm fine," Anna tried to insist but it was no use. "I felt hot in there, so I came out."

Bates gave her a look. Clearly he did not believe her. "And that's all?"

Even though he asked the question, he knew that was not all. But Bates knew from his time with Anna that if she had a problem and she did not want to speak about it that was that. His wife was a force of nature. He might as well ask the wind to stop blowing.

But despite all this, Anna's resolve was beginning to break, and this concerned him. He could see her eyes beginning to glisten and his heart lurched uncomfortably.

"Tell me. Speak to me, Anna," Bates pleaded.

"Later. At home. I promise."

Her voice was breaking a little and she was eternally glad that her husband knew her well enough to know when she needed his touch. Bates pulled her into his embrace, letting her fall against his chest. He could feel her shaking, and he brought his hands up to her back, rubbing it soothingly and methodically.

Eventually they had to go back inside, but Anna kept to her promise and later that night she spoke to her husband.

Anna had finished earlier than Bates that evening. He had told her to go ahead of him when he knew his Lordship would be retiring late and although she had put up some protest, eventually she conceded. This gave her time to return to the cottage, have a hot bath and prepare some tea for them both. Experience told her that he would not be home until half past eleven at least, and it was only quarter to at the moment.

She was wrapped in her dressing gown, sitting at their kitchen table with tea when he came home through the front door. Anna heard as he took off his coat and shoes and she silently prepared herself to speak with him.

She heard his footsteps approach the kitchen, the soft glow of the candlelight giving away her location. Anna poured his tea just how he liked it. Milk, no sugar. The door handle turned. John appeared, his waistcoat partly undone and his collar open.

He smiled warmly.

"I made tea," Anna announced, smiling slightly.

Bates could feel the tension. It was a tangible force throughout the room. Both of them knew that she had promised to speak to him earlier, and he was waiting for her to make the first move.

Bates took his seat at the table opposite Anna. The cup and saucer were before him, but his eyes failed to even settle upon them. They were trained upon Anna, silently imploring for her to tell him what had been troubling her, and to relieve him of the anxiety he had felt all afternoon and evening.

"John, I…" Anna trailed off.

He took her hand from across the table. It reminded him of the time in the Red Lion when she had discovered his whereabouts all those years ago. And just like before, as John possessively clung to her hand with both of his, Anna's resolve finally broke.

"Oh John, it's silly. You'd tell me I'm being silly."

"It's not silly if it bothers you so," he stated matter-of-factly.

"It's just…" Anna's voice wobbled. "Spending time with the baby today, it makes me think…"

She stopped for a moment.

Eventually, a few many seconds later, Bates asked, "Think about what?"

He thought he knew already.

Anna raised her head, her eyes glistening with tears and looked straight at him. "Children, John. Are we ever going to have children?"

Surprisingly, her revelation calmed Anna somewhat. She seemed less frantic and she simply sat and watched, waiting for his response.

"We have no reason to believe it won't happen."

He was right, there was no reason. But Bates was also aware that not being able to have children was always a possibility.

"Then why not already?" Anna asked feebly.

He shook his head to say he did not know the answer to that.

"Maybe it's me," Anna suggested. "Most mothers are younger than I am with their first. Maybe my time has come and gone."

Bates replied quickly, "Why should you think it's you? You're young, healthy; there is no reason to think that. If anything, it could be me… After all, I never had children with Vera all those years ago."

Anna visibly winced at her name and she could see a similar impact upon John's features.

A silence fell upon them for a little while after their recent revelations had been digested, and in that time Anna felt her fears arise once more. John could see it immediately in her face, and instantly sought to comfort her.

"Or maybe," he began contemplatively. "This just isn't the right time for us. Just think about it, you have been working solidly for these last six months, helping Lady Mary. That must have been stressful for your body. That can't have been right for a baby."

"And the time before that?"

"It was a long time before Lady Mary and Mr Crawley were expecting a child."

"Yes, but she…" Anna stopped herself. She was going to remind herself about Lady Mary's little operation in London. But then she also thought about everything John was saying. He was right, really. Some couples went for years without expecting a child. The last six months had probably been a stressful time for her body, what with the little sleep and the dismantling of her routine.

John noticed the look of realisation dawn upon her face and smiled. He gently pulled at her hand, coaxing her around the table to sit upon his lap. She often complained that she was too heavy for him, but he often admonished those claims with a shake of his head and a kiss to whichever part of her skin he could find. She sat sideways across his lap as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Chances are, in a few years we will have a child. And we will wish longingly for the time again when we can have a full nights sleep."

Anna could not help but laugh, even as her face was buried in the place where his shoulder met his neck. She found it reassuring to hear his deep, throaty chuckle reverberating against her.

"And if that's not to be the case," John continued. "Then we will face it together. We have been through enough already to let something as indefinite as this throw us to the side."

Anna sighed against his skin and mumbled, closing her eyes. "You're right."

And he was, really.

Right now, she had no reason to believe that children were not in their future. Her mother had been just a couple of years younger than she was now when she had given birth to Anna, her first child. And she was healthy; all of these years working at Downton left her in reasonable shape. And she loved John, and she knew that she would love him and that he would fill her life with love, as she would do him, despite whatever happened in their future.

Things were beginning to change now, too. Life was beginning to fall back into some sort of routine.

John seemed to read her mind. "Give it another six months. And then, if nothing happens, we go and see Doctor Clarkson."

That didn't happen.

After three months, Anna visited Doctor Clarkson. She had not been feeling herself for a couple of weeks now. She would often be sick in the mornings – and sometimes the afternoons – she would tire easily, she would snap at John for little things like not making her tea the way she liked it and eventually, after a particularly dizzy spell at work and a stern word with Mrs Hughes about looking after herself, she went to visit Doctor Clarkson. He examined her, pressing her stomach in different places with his hands, and he asked her questions.

And she came out of the village hospital positively beaming. She found John immediately when she arrived back at Downton. He was in his Lordship's dressing room, preparing his clothes for the evening. He had been alone. A nervous smile, a nod and a little laugh had been all the confirmation he needed. He had laughed too, happy tears springing to his eyes as he closed the distance between them, moving his hand to rest upon her stomach. Anna swore she would never forget the look upon his face at that moment. The look of excitement, fear and anticipation all mixed into one. And she had felt it too, but in that moment it hardly seemed to matter. John swept her into his arms, regardless of their location and kissed her temple and then her lips. Nothing else mattered anymore.

They were going to have a baby.

A/N: Thoughts?