Billy put his head in his hands and took deep breaths. In through his nose, out through his mouth. Over and over again until he got some semblance of normalcy to the wild beating in his heart. He let out a shaky inhale before lifting his head and turning to look at Loki leaning against his doorframe.
"Why come back now?" he asked Loki.
Loki had left without a trace at the party after all that shit went down with Mother. He just up and left. No goodbye, no awkward asking if he was part of the Young Avengers team now, not even an apology for everything he did to them. He didn't even bother to ask if Billy was getting back in the superhero business after all of his. Which, he was decidedly not. Billy had kept waiting and waiting for Loki to return, to hear his side of the story, to find out more about the scared little boy whom was so different from the God of Mischief he spent all of his youth learning about. Younger Loki was different. And…gosh, Billy didn't know. He kind of liked the guy, despite all the lies and manipulation. He felt like Loki was trying. And then he just left and never came back to see him and Billy just wasn't all right with that.
Nothing had been the same after the Demiurge disaster. Nothing. Not his relationship with his friends, not his relationship with Teddy—
Teddy wasn't even a topic he wanted to discuss. After the Demiurge incident, Billy was full on into his depression spiral again, worse so than before. Something about it was different this time. He didn't know what it was. His chest had ached for days and months after the deaths of Cassie and Jonas. He'd felt his magic was responsible for it all, that he was a curse, a monster or something. He didn't want to speak, because he'd screw everything up. But then he'd had Teddy to help him be strong again, he had someone to hold him at night and kiss him with a feverish passion that made him forget everything, that made his mind jump out of his body, that made everything just stop, made Billy feel real and whole again…
And yes, this time was different. This time was different because he didn't have any of that. All he had was a vacancy inside his chest and a horrible dread. He was empty inside. It was like looking in himself in a mirror and just not feeling anything about the person staring back at him. Billy didn't recognise his sunken brown eyes with deep shadows underneath from restless night, from nightmares, of worlds burning, of a blue flame surrounding him, of death and destruction and words uttered that ruined the whole galaxy. He woke up terrified that what he'd dream would come true, that his mind was too powerful, that everything about him was wrong and hollow. He didn't recognise the scruff on his face, his long and limp dark hair, the skinny frame that showed his ribs and bones, that jutted out at an unhealthy level. He felt sick. Nothing seemed right to him anymore. He didn't deserve Teddy, so he pushed him away, he willed him out of his life, he threw things and yelled at him and took the engagement ring off his finger and locked it in a drawer.
He hadn't felt any better when Teddy finally gave up and left him to sort out his feelings.
"I'm here for you, Billy. I really am. But I'm the only one trying, and I can't make a relationship work with one person. I'm still here if you ever need me, when you're done and willing to talk about things again. I just think we need some space."
There had been a heavy silence that hung around them like a thick cloak, but Billy had only swallowed away the lump in his throat and the hot tears that wanted to leak from his eyes and nodded his head and waited to fall apart until he heard Teddy's truck leave the apartment complex and onto the freeway.
That was two months ago and Billy didn't have the strength to ruin Teddy's life anymore. Teddy deserved a normal, healthy relationship, with someone who couldn't simply wish for something to happen and change the whole course of the universe. Billy was a wreck and he wanted nothing more than for Teddy for forget about him and move on and be happy. Because Teddy was never going to be happy with Billy.
And Billy just kept waiting and waiting for something to happen. For Kate to come home. For Eli to make a trip from Arizona to come visit his sorry ass. For America to get pissed off and pull him out of bed and make him do something. For Tommy to be his usual annoying self and distract him from his own mind. For his birth mom Wanda to explain how to deal with all this stupid magical power he has. For Loki to come back and explain things to him. He wanted something.
And now Loki was actually here and Billy couldn't breathe. He just didn't know what to do. He just needed to know why he was back. Why now.
Loki swallowed. "Because you needed me," he said.
Billy snorted. "I don't need anyone."
Loki shifted his weight from the doorframe and made his way towards Billy. He sat on the edge of Billy's bed. Billy shifted away from Loki and stared down at his bare feet on the carpet of his bedroom floor.
"What's going on inside your mind, Billy?"
Billy shrugged. He couldn't possibly explain it to someone. It was frustration and dark and cold and lonely and this bitter ball of dark matter just twisting constantly inside his stomach and he didn't know what to do with it.
"Why did you just leave?" he asked Loki. Why did you leave me? he wanted to say, but then his voice would break and then Loki would know that he felt something and it was all so stupid anyway and Billy didn't know why he was worrying about it.
"I didn't think anyone wanted me," he said quietly.
"I did."
"Did you?" Loki's eyes were wide and round, his eyes turned down at the corners into a dubious frown. "I thought you would especially have wanted me to leave, after everything. Everyone was mad at me. They had reason to be. I am Loki, God of Mischief, and nothing I say can be taken seriously, because Trickster God here, I'm the master at manipulation and twisting words around, and I just assumed that after everything you'd want me gone so you and Teddy could fly off into the sunset and into bliss or something. I didn't think you wanted me."
Billy was quiet for a minute. There was the sound of their even breaths in the silent apartment. Then he spoke. "You know, I don't fall for that bullshit, Loki. I know there's more to you than just pranks and double crossing. You had a choice back there and you saved us. When it came down to it, you helped us fight the parasite and reclaim our world. You helped me control my magic for a bit. You kept your promises. And you wouldn't have done that unless you genuinely wanted to.
"You've changed. But you probably don't believe that, do you?"
Loki shook his head. "There's…" he cleared his throat. "There's this thing I call Ghost Loki…it's like, my former self, egging me on, telling me that no one loves me, that I can't change, that I'm not good enough. He keeps whispering to me and I can't make him stop and I needed to deal with him before I faced up to anyone."
And there was the story Billy wanted. He had wanted to know why Loki ran out on them. He needed to know and there it was: something that was real and honest.
"Did you get it all sorted out?"
Loki sighed. "No. But you needed me more than I needed time to figure things all out."
Billy nodded and swallowed. "Are you going to stay?" he asked.
Loki didn't answer him for a minute. Billy stared at the matrixing in the carpet. He counted his breaths. He fidgeted. He didn't think he could take it if Loki came back just to disappear again.
"I'll stay for tonight," he said.
"And tomorrow?"
"Let's just take one day at a time. Seems simpler, no?"
Billy nodded. He didn't think there was anything left to say to that.
"When's the last time you had a proper night's sleep?" Loki asked him.
Billy shrugged. He honestly didn't remember. It was night after night, those terrifying nightmares or visions or whatever they were, those awful dreams with the surging power vibrating inside him, the power he used to decimate worlds, to kill things, the unadulterated power that flowed through him that made him terrified to be awake, to be anything at all. He couldn't remember what it felt like to go to sleep and dream of anything else, something pleasant. Something that didn't feel like the whole world was burning beneath the soles of his shoes.
Loki shifted on the bed from sitting beside Billy to curling up on the bed. Loki's lean body was splayed out, over the covers, his elbows on the pillow and his ankles crossed. "Come here," he instructed Billy.
Billy eyed him doubtfully. "I'm not sleeping with you."
Loki left out a frustrated huff. "I'm not asking you to. But you need to sleep. And I am a warm vessel that can provide comfort and…cuddling."
Billy still eyed him doubtfully. "Did you just admit to wanting to cuddle?"
Loki sighed. "Billy, you're not the only one who feels lost and hurt right now. Coming here is just as much about you as it is for me. Maybe if we hold each other, maybe just for one night things will seem like they're okay."
Billy wanted this. He wanted this but his mind was fighting his body so hard because he wanted the comfort but he knew he didn't deserve it. What was he supposed to do with Loki? With this thing, this person, who was probably just as broken as he was, who understood, who provided comfort and words that had meaning, who he could curl into, who could make him feel like the world wasn't closing around him? Could he really let himself bask in that comfort only for tomorrow go to bed lonely and hollow and alone again, like nothing had ever happened, like Loki had never been there to fill a void inside of himself?
Billy's hand shook, and he knew he would be worse off tomorrow for it, but he needed it. He needed warmth. He needed someone else's body slated against him. He slid back onto his bed and into Loki's arms. One arm encircled Billy's waist and the other came up to lace their fingers together. Billy's head was on Loki's shoulder. They laid there, just breathing, soft and warm, not thinking of anything. Billy was breathing in sync with the beating of Loki's heart under his cheek, eyes closed, like that heart beat was the only thing in the world. He felt safe. He felt surrounded in something other than darkness for a moment. He felt okay.
And before he knew it, he was drifting off to that beat of Loki's heart and the weight of an arm around him, holding him close, like if he left go he would drift away into the abyss.
When Billy woke up the next morning, his body registered the presence of another person in bed with him and for a moment Billy forgot. He forgot about the events of last night, he forgot about the hurt and the darkness and the sorrow. He let himself believe that none of it had happened, that it was a normal morning, that he was waking up in Teddy's arms.
And then he remembered. And it was like a stone sunk to the bottom of his stomach and he wanted to hurl, because he was never going to have days like that again. He wouldn't allow himself to. He was too cursed and Teddy needed more than he could give him.
Billy must have made a noise or something because Loki shifted under him and peered to look down at him. "You okay?" he asked.
Billy bit down on his tongue and tried to force the bile in his throat back down. He nodded his head but he didn't think Loki would believe him.
"You stayed the entire night," he said instead.
"I told you I would."
"Are you going to leave now?" he asked.
Loki pursed his lips. "Can I make a deal with you, kid?"
Billy huffed. "Don't call me kid, for starters."
Loki's chest rumbled with the sound of his laugh. "Okay. But in all seriousness, can I?"
Billy shrugged. "Maybe."
"If I promise to stay here with you, will you promise to get out of bed every day, even if you don't feel like it? Can you promise me you'll get up, eat breakfast, shower, and go outside at least once every day? Will you do it if I'm with you each step of the way?"
Billy blinked at him in surprise. Those weren't quite the words he thought Loki was going to say. He didn't...well, he didn't know what to expect, honestly, but probably not that. Loki had been absent from his life for the better part of six months and…Billy guessed he didn't know what to expect from the other man anymore. He thought maybe Loki would want more comfort, some kind of human companionship that went beyond cuddling. And Billy had meant what he said last night—he wasn't going to sleep with Loki—and he didn't think Loki would really ask that of him. But he maybe though that he could eclipse his feelings with kissing or some touching or something like that and Billy had been bracing himself for that kind of question. And then that came out.
"I'm not going outside," Billy said stubbornly.
Loki rolled his eyes. "You don't have to run a freaking marathon or anything. But you've got a perfectly nice balcony right over there and what's the use in having a cool balcony if you don't ever go on it and soak up a little sunshine? And frankly, you are looking a little pale, Billy. When's the last time you got any kind of vitamin D?"
"Since when were you so concerned about my health?" Billy snapped.
"Just polite conversation."
"I'm still not going outside."
"Even if I hang out on the balcony with you?" Loki nudged Billy's shoulder with his own. "Come on, we can sit out there and play poker and drink whisky or something."
Billy's nose scrunched up in disgust. "Do people actually like whisky?"
Loki shrugged. "I did. Of course, that was old me. Who knows what new me likes. I haven't really had the time to test my limits.
"Honestly, Billy. Can you promise me that?"
"If I do, that means you'll stay here? With me?"
"Yes, of course."
Billy nodded. "Okay. I'll try. But can we start on that tomorrow? I just want to stay in bed today."
"Anything in particular you want to do?" Loki asked.
"Maybe watch The Sound of Music."
"Are you going to recite the whole movie by memory?"
"No."
"Billy Kaplan, are you lying to me?"
"Why would I do that?"
They both smirked at each other, eyes gleaming with a moment's worth of mirth, before their smiles dropped and Loki let go of Billy in order to put the movie in the DVD player. Then he found his way back into Billy's bed and Billy found his way back into Loki's arms. They cuddled throughout the entire movie and Loki snickered only a few times when Billy started singing along with all the songs and Billy kept smacking his arm every time he laughed and things felt normal. Things felt really normal, but they both knew happiness wasn't bound to last very long.
"Fuck," Billy sighed as he threw the empty milk carton into the trash and closed his refrigerator door. "Loki, we're out of milk," he called.
Loki's head stuck out from the bedroom, his long dark hair damp and dripping onto the carpet. He ran a towel through it. "So?" he said.
Billy sighed and pinched the spot between his eyes and the bridge of his nose. It had been a really bad week for him and he didn't want to bother with going to the super market to buy milk. He didn't think he had the patience to deal with people today. Tommy had come back from wherever he was off gallivanting with Noh-Varr, full of stories of their adventures and pursuits and he wouldn't stop talking and he wouldn't stop questioning Billy about everything and he pretended like nothing at all was wrong and the last long stretch of their life hadn't happened and Billy was just about to explode and he couldn't deal with anything right now. Not today.
Billy just stared back at Loki with determination. Loki sighed and rolled his eyes. "Give me five minutes to get dressed and we'll go to the store together. And I'll punch anyone who looks at you the wrong way."
Billy grunted his mild approval before Loki retreated back into the bedroom and Billy sat down at the kitchen table, pushing the box of Cheerio's out of his way.
Things were not all the way better, but Billy had improved since Loki had come back into his life. Billy had good days and bad days, and days in between where he felt nothing at all, and none of them were really spectacular, life changing days. But Billy was trying. He was keeping his promise. Every day he got out of bed. He showered. He ate. He tried to focus on studying for his GED. He even called his parents to let them know that he wasn't okay, but he was getting there. He left out the fact that he and Teddy broke up. He left out the minor detail that he and Loki were now permanent (for the time being) flatmates. He had dinner with his parents once and he could see in their faces, their probing eyes and the constant thin line of their lips, that they wanted to ask him questions, but didn't know how to talk about it, didn't think they really knew how to be hands on parents who dealt with a child with depression. They'd stuck to easy and pleasant conversations and it hadn't been too terrible for Billy to muddle through.
But still, he wasn't back to old Billy. He didn't think old Billy even existed. And he didn't expect to, because that's just how things worked. He couldn't expect himself to automatically feel completely better, to be happy again, to have the darkness that swamped his brain just suddenly lift out of nowhere. Recovery was painful and long. Sometimes he could laugh and joke, he could go out for a night or two with people he used to call friends. Sometimes he wanted to shove himself into a pile of dirt and just sleep for a million years, to push everyone out of his life and just not exist anymore. Sometimes he just simply didn't care enough about anything. His mind was a sliding scale and nothing was ever perfect, but at least he wasn't alone.
Loki emerged from the bedroom, in his signature black and green, which always got an eye roll from Billy, until Loki pointed out he had no room to complain, since most of his wardrobe consisted of at least a dash of red. Billy had sheepishly looked through his wardrobe one night when Loki was fast asleep and would never admit that the other man was true, he did have lots of red, because it was silly for Loki to be right about something to stupid like wardrobe colours.
The two boys left the apartment and Billy locked up. They walked to the nearest train station and held hands when Billy started to get nervous around other people. They held hands as the subway stopped and the boys got out, walked the distance to Trader Joe's before finally their laced fingers fell away from each other as Billy grabbed a cart and they went down the aisles for groceries.
Billy went straight to the dairy section to get another carton of milk and once he turned around he sighed because of course Loki was gone. He'd come back with an armful on unnecessary groceries about to fall on the floor. He'd dump them all in the cart and just look at Billy with that stupid mischievous grin of his. Billy hated how they had a routine and that he knew what to expect from the other man. It felt normal and comforting and domestic. Even if he and Loki were nothing more than friends, it still felt more domestic than he was willing to admit.
With a sigh, Billy left the dairy section and made his way towards the chip aisle, the area he was most likely to find Loki, grabbing three different flavours of potato chips off the rack. "Loki, I swear to God if you make me buy any more of those jalapeno chips I'm kicking you out of bed for the next week!"
He turned the corner into the aisle and his stomach dropped. Loki wasn't in the aisle grabbing chips, but Teddy was. Teddy, who was standing there, tall and blonde, staring at him with shock, open mouthed and at a loss for emotions. Teddy hadn't seen him in a long time.
"Billy!" Teddy said when he could find his voice again.
Billy gulped down his fear. "Hi," he squeaked out.
"You look good," he said. "Happy. Healthy. Are you?"
Billy shrugged. "I'm better than I used to be."
Billy was dying to ask if Teddy was happy too. If he'd moved on, possibly with David, or someone of his own race. Billy wondered frequently if his ex-fiancé went to bed at night curled up with another man, kissed him as they fell asleep, happy and warm and content. He wondered if Teddy had moved on at all, or if he thought of Billy every night when he lie awake, wishing and hoping things had ended differently between the two.
"That's real good, Billy," Teddy said. "That's real good."
Billy shuffled uncomfortable and stared at the milk carton in the shopping cart. "So, you and Loki, huh?" Teddy asked.
Billy wanted to tell him it wasn't like that, that they were just friends, that they weren't sleeping together, but the words got stuck in his throat and he just nodded.
"I'm happy for you. You deserve happiness."
Billy didn't think so, not exactly, not after what he'd done. Maybe he deserved to settle for an okay life with someone who understood his own desires and fears, like Loki. But happiness? Happiness was Teddy and there was no way he deserved all of that. Or maybe he did deserve it and he was just too afraid that being happy meant he was going to lose control and screw up again. He didn't want the person he cared most about in the world to be caught in the crossfire. Teddy'd already been through too much.
Loki came from out of nowhere then, before Billy had time to respond to Teddy's statement, with an armful of food as to be expected, and dumped it all in the cart. "Hi, Teddy," he greeted, hands in his pockets.
"Hi," Teddy said back, quietly.
"Um," Billy said before things got any more awkward, "I've gotta go now."
Teddy sucked in a breath. "Sure. It was good to see you, Billy. You too, Loki."
Loki nodded and there seemed to be some kind of level of respect and understanding that passed between them before Billy nodded his head and wheeled the cart away from Teddy and the chips aisle and towards the register.
It wasn't until they were back on the train, a couple minutes away from their stop, when Billy turned to Loki and heaved a huge sigh. "I told you I didn't want to go outside today."
Loki just smirked and stroked Billy's hair until they got off and walked back to the apartment. They put the groceries away and Billy ate his cereal and spent the rest of the day letting Loki stroke his hair and play old records.
It was three weeks later when Billy saw Teddy again, and this time Teddy wasn't alone. Loki and Billy had walked into a diner, both of their hair damp after an intense training session at the gym and the shower that followed after all the hard exercise. They'd walked in the diner hand in hand, which had worrisomely become second nature for Billy, and walked straight past the table Teddy was sitting at with Kate and America.
When the three spotted them their conversation dropped and their eyes all dropped down to note Billy and Loki's entwined hands, which made Billy's face flame and he resisted the urge to pull his hand away from Loki, who was grinning at them all with a sly look on his face that screamed God of Mischief. Sometimes Billy hated it when he had an audience. He always gave them what they wanted instead of being the person he really was.
"Hi, guys!" Kate said. "You all wanna join us? We haven't even ordered yet."
Billy looked at Loki to see what he wanted and Loki just raised his eyes in question. Billy rolled his eyes and Loki smiled at him and they both made their way over to the booth. The girls scooted over to make room for them and they sat down, right across from Teddy.
"Fancy meeting you two here," Kate said. She seemed to be the only person brave enough to talk to them. America had her arm crossed over her chest, glaring at Loki. She wasn't overly fond of the Trickster, but at least she wasn't hurling insults at him.
"How was LA?" Billy asked her.
Kate shrugged and took a sip of her mango smoothie. "It was enlightening, I guess."
The waiter came by their booth them to take their orders, and each ordered breakfast food, even though it was 10 at night. It almost felt like back when they had been the Young Avengers, hungry and tired after a big fight, and they would all go to their diner and order food and share each other's plates and talk loudly and be one big happy family. Only this time three members of the group were missing and things were dead silent. There was no one to talk over each other. Eli and Kate weren't taking turns insulting each other in good jest. Teddy and Billy weren't ignoring everyone while they made out with each other. Cassie and Jonas weren't pretending not to make moon eyes at each other while the others were too preoccupied to notice. They could never go back to simpler times like those.
"Right," Kate muttered when no one else made a move to talk. "Guess I'm just cutting to the chase then. Since when did you and Loki become a thing?"
Loki smirked at her. "Don't think that's any of your business."
"It is when you're sleeping with my best friend," she fired back.
Was Billy still Kate's best friend? She'd sent him countless texts while she was in LA, mostly small talk. She'd sent a few snap chats of her and her cat, but they hadn't talked like they used to. They had hours long conversations on the phone at night when one of them couldn't sleep before the world had come crashing down on top of them. Kate would gossip about all the popular people at her fancy and expensive private school, and of course they gushed over cute boys together (hey, just because he had a boyfriend all the time didn't mean he couldn't look—and secretly read fanfiction online about Captain America and Iron Man doing stuff together neither of them would actually do in real life). They'd talked about life and family and all those dark topics you just didn't discuss with other people, because they were Kate and Billy, and they'd always stick together. Things just hadn't been the same for them since Billy'd spiralled out of control and he figured it was just her trying to give him space, but then she stopped trying, and he assumed that was that. She'd forgotten him, gave up on him or something.
Loki just sat there and smirked at her. "We've been living together for a few months now, if you must know," he told her.
Kate's cold eyes turned to look at Billy. "You guys are living together and you didn't tell me? Geez, Billy. I thought we told each other everything."
Billy swallowed down any sort of response and instead shrugged. What was he supposed to say to Kate? That he knew the rest of his team—former team, he made himself think—wasn't overly fond of Loki and they'd try to talk him out of it? That maybe he didn't want to say anything to anyone because what he had with Loki was something different, was something special, and he didn't want that magic to go away because other people knew? Because they wouldn't understand that two men who were both into dudes lived in the same house and slept in the same bed every night but only as friends, because Billy wasn't ready for any kind of sex yet and Loki wasn't one to push him into anything when he didn't want to? And Billy wasn't even sure if he did want sex if he would want to be with Loki or if he would find someone else because even if he sure as hell wasn't over Teddy he knew he felt something more than just friendship for Loki and God no one told him feelings were supposed to be so confusing!
"I think maybe he was waiting for my eventual proposal to break the news to you."
Kate's eyes looked back and forth between Loki and Billy assessing them and the seriousness of the situation. No one knew what to say.
Teddy cleared his throat. "Sorry, excuse me," he said, and climbed out of the booth, practically punching the diner door open as he left.
Loki turned to look at Billy and raised his eyebrows. Billy shook his head. Loki mouthed 'go' at him. Billy rolled his eyes, but got up out of the booth and followed Teddy out the diner door.
He found Teddy leaning against the wall near the diner, fists clenched together and breathing heavily. Billy silently stood in front of him and waited until Teddy wanted to speak.
After a couple minutes and a half dozen swallows, Teddy finally spoke in a quiet, controlled voice he only used when he was very very hurt and trying not to show it. "I was waiting for you, you know," he said. "I told you when I left I was going to wait for you until you figured out what you wanted. Why didn't you just call me, Billy? Tell me you didn't love me anymore? Tell me you were getting serious with Loki? All you had to do was call and tell me instead of leaving me waiting! I had hope, you know, that when you realised things were going to be okay, that you'd come back to me, 'cause we're Billy and Teddy, we've always been together, and I thought you'd see that, and I was waiting for you, man, waiting for you to come back. And you never did. And then…why didn't you just tell me so I didn't waste all my time pining after someone who never even wanted me?"
Billy almost couldn't breathe, the pain in his chest was so great. He had never wanted to hurt Teddy like that. Honestly, that wasn't his intention. He thought Teddy would be okay, because he was always the stronger of the two boys. Even when his mother died, after his tears, he picked himself back up and was strong again. After Cassie and Jonas died, he had been a pillar of strength. That day when he saw his father for the first and last time, he'd come to Billy a wreck, but he was strong even then, too. Why was he falling apart now?
"Loki and I aren't really together," he confessed. "He's just trying to get a reaction out of you guys. He's the God of Mischief, it's what he does."
Teddy scoffed and rubbed at his eyes, even though they looked dry from where Billy was standing. "Why do you even like that guy?"
Billy shrugged. "He's not so bad once you really get to know him."
"I'll take your word for it." His voice was acidic.
"I didn't know you were waiting for me," Billy continued. "But even if I did, Loki and I are just friends, and I still wasn't in a place where I could've called you up and asked you to give me another chance."
"But are you just friends, Billy, or is that what you're telling yourself so you can keep pretending?"
Billy sighed. "I don't know anymore, Teddy."
"Well, at least you're honest."
Teddy cupped Billy's face with one of his hands and smiled a small, sad little smile. "Is this going to be the end of us?"
Billy took a step back and away from Teddy. "Don't do this to me, Teddy. I can't have this conversation right now. I can't do this."
"Fine," Teddy said. "Then I'm going to go back into that diner and have dinner with Kate and America and do what I've been doing, fucking waiting around for you to call me when you're ready to face reality again."
He left Billy on the sidewalk. Billy waited there until the door chimed and Loki was by his side. "We going home?" Loki asked.
Billy's nostrils flared. "Do you always have to be so goddamned awful to people?" he spat out.
Loki stared at him in shock. "What?"
"I don't get you sometimes! We're not even together and you're making it seems like we're practically married! Why do you have to do that?"
Loki licked his lips before answering. "I suppose it's in my wiring. I can't help it."
"Well, then go be the God of Mischief somewhere else away from me. Go back to the apartment. I need a couple of days to cool off."
"Where are you going to go?" he asked.
"My parent's," Billy said.
Loki nodded. "Stay safe," he said softly and left Billy outside the diner.
Billy's hands were shaking as he took out his cell phone and dialled his parent's number. "Hello?" his father, Jeff, answered.
"Dad? It's Billy. Look, uh, I was wondering if I could just…come home for a couple days? Just to get away? I need to think some stuff through and I need somewhere to stay."
"Who is it?" he heard his mom say in the background. Jeff shushed his wife. "Of course you can come home, Billy. Of course you can."
"Thanks. I'll see you soon."
"Bye, son."
Billy hung up and walked to the nearest subway station, took the train that headed towards his parent's house. It hadn't been his parents idea for him to leave home and get his own place, and he didn't think they'd even fully understood his decision when he'd come to them and told them he was moving out. But the crux of the matter was this: Billy had two younger brothers who hung on his every word, who looked at him like he hung the moon, who thought of him as this great hero, and he never wanted his brothers to think any different of him. He didn't want his brothers to see him, hollow and depressed, to be scared of their own flesh and blood, or worse, think it was okay for them to be like that, too. They were at that age where they copied everything Billy said and did, and he didn't want them to soak up how Billy was acting and follow in his footsteps. He wanted to protect their innocence, simple as that, and the best way he saw to do that was to leave home.
He didn't know what he was going to find when he went back.
"Billy?"
Billy turned from his spot on the window sill to find his youngest brother Adam peering at him sleepily from the doorway. Adam was clutching a Bucky Bear in his hand. Billy almost smiled at the sight of that. When Bucky Barnes had come back to life, the world was all over it, buzzing with excitement and merchandise. Billy had gotten the bear for his brother's fourth birthday and the boy had slept with it almost every night since.
"What's up?" Billy asked.
"Can I sleep with you tonight?"
"'Course you can."
Billy got up off the window sill and curled up under his covers. Adam ran up to the bed and cuddled up with his older brother. "Missed you," he said.
Billy ruffled Adam's hair. "Missed you, too."
"Mommy said you left 'cause you were sad."
"I was sad."
"Are you still sad?" Adam peered up at him with the wide, innocent eyes of a five year old who didn't understand loss or what it meant to have something inside of you rip holes in the fabric of your being.
"Sometimes," he said.
"Mommy said Teddy used to make you smile when you were sad. Does Teddy still make you smile?"
Billy smiled. "No, he doesn't."
Adam's lower lip trembled. "You're not friends anymore?"
"I don't know what we are."
Adam clutched Bucky Bear tighter to his chest. "Mommy said you loved Teddy, like she loves Daddy. If you love each other, why can't you be friends?"
Billy closed his eyes to stop the tears from falling onto his brother's dark head. "Sometimes love isn't enough."
Adam frowned. "I don't understand," he said.
"I don't, either. Now go to sleep. Mom and Dad'll be mad at me if you're cranky tomorrow."
Adam slipped his tiny hand into his older brothers. "I love you, Billy."
"Love you too, kid."
Adam fell asleep while Billy tried to sort through everything he'd been dealing with for the past few days. He'd promised Loki only two days before he came back and talked to him, and his time was running out. Was it worth it to pursue something with Loki, to admit that he had feelings for him, when that could backfire? Loki had helped him so much lately. He was bounds and leaps better mentally than he had been, and it was all pretty much down to his own strong will and Loki's encouragement. Loki believed in him. And when it was just the two of them, things were beautiful. Loki was beautiful. But when they fought, when Loki felt like he had to prove himself, it was like a tornado ripped through them. It was pure anger and passion and Billy didn't know if he could handle that.
And then there was Teddy, who was always there for him. Who he loved with a fierce ache. He would always love Teddy, but he really didn't know if that was enough, if he could be what Teddy needed, if he could give him what he wanted. Billy was flawed and powerful and broken and Teddy had already been confused once or twice about their love and he didn't think it was healthy to be so dependent on someone the way he was with Teddy. He almost couldn't breathe thinking about being separated from him and he was sure that some distance between them was actually good, even if it felt like he was being ripped into two.
Billy just didn't know anymore. He talked to his dad last night, when he'd finally made it home. They sat at the kitchen table in the dark and Billy just spilled out everything that had been going on with him and his dad had just listened until Billy was done talking. Then slowly his dad told him that maybe Billy needed to talk to someone, a therapist, to help deal with some of the things that he's repressed, to bring it to the surface and help him deal with it properly before it ate away at his insides. Billy knew he was probably right, but he still wasn't sure what he was going to do about it. He'd gone to bed that night and woke up in the morning and thought about it all day.
Billy fell asleep missing when things were simple, when love was enough and all he needed, when all his friends were still alive, back before the Civil War had driven them apart, back before he met his mother Wanda, back before when he was a scared and skinny kid getting beat up in the halls, when he used to pretend he was secretly Steve Rogers and one day he would get the super serum and be strong and super too, that he'd become Captain America. Why couldn't he just have had those kind of powers instead of the power to wipe out civilisation, to create alternate universes, to make things out of thin air and to banish things from existence with a single thought? Why him?
Why him?
Loki was sitting on the futon when Billy entered his apartment. Loki automatically jumped up from the futon and stuck his hands in his back pockets, staring at Billy. Billy set his keys down on the kitchen counter and shrugged out of his jacket before looking at Loki.
"What do you want from me?" he asked Loki.
"I don't know," he said.
"Do you love me?" he asked.
"I'm not sure what love is," Loki responded.
Billy's jaw worked at the words. Loki had grown up in a flawed world, hurt. He'd allowed himself to become the villain. They did things differently on Asgard. Billy had to remind himself that a relationship with an Asgardian would be different from one with a Kree/Skrull hybrid like Teddy. They were different rules. They were two different people. He would have to learn how to navigate his way around the relationship.
"I feel a certain amount of fondness for you," Loki continued. "One that's different than it is with other people. I can be myself with you. You make me feel…more."
Billy nodded. "If I choose you, are you going to stay? How can I trust you to stay and not disappear again like last time?"
Loki licked his lips. "I don't think you can."
Billy swallowed. Then he moved towards Loki, placed his hands on Loki's hips, reeled him close until their lips were touching. It was a slow kiss, open mouthed, tender. It was a goodbye, and from the slump of Loki's body, he knew it too.
"That's why I can't be with you," he whispered against Loki's lips. "No matter what we feel for each other, we can't be together. We can't be what the other needs."
"I'm sorry," Loki whispered.
Billy laughed. "Don't be sorry. It's okay."
"Do you want me to go?" he asked.
"I don't want you to leave," he said. "I want you to stick around. I don't want you to disappear, but I don't think we should be living together anymore. We probably shouldn't have been living together in the first place."
Loki nodded. "I won't lose touch with you, even if I leave Earth. I promise you."
"Good."
Billy pressed a kiss onto Loki's jaw, breathed in his scent, and then let go of Loki's hips.
"Are you going to call Teddy now?" Loki asked.
"Tomorrow," Billy said. "I want one last night with you before you go."
Billy sat on the kerb a couple streets down from the Avengers Mansion, where'd he'd called Teddy after five minutes of working himself up to it, and where Teddy had agreed to meet him to talk. He sat there for a good while before he recognised Teddy's scuffed up shoes walking towards him. Teddy sat down next to him on the kerb.
"Loki moved out," he said, getting things out there right from the start.
Teddy didn't really say anything, just nodded.
"Things wouldn't have worked out with us if we'd tried a relationship. But he and I will always be friends, that's not going to change."
"I would never have asked you to stop being friends with him, Billy."
"I know. But I just want you to know, so that in the future, if I ever wanted to spend time with him, I didn't want you to think anything of it."
"I wouldn't."
"There's uh, something I want to give you," Billy said. He hitched his hips up a bit so he could dig into the front pocket of his jeans and he came away with the engagement ring he and Teddy had gotten, the one he'd locked in a drawer back at his parent's house. While he was staying there he'd retrieved it. He held it out to Teddy, who very slowly took it from Billy's hands and held it in his lap.
"I want you to hold on to it for me until I'm ready. I want to be with you Teddy, but not until I'm better. Not until I know how to be in a relationship with you. You told me once you couldn't do things one sided, and I can't offer you anything right now other than a promise that someday, after I learn how to take care of myself, that I can be with you again, if you're still willing to have me.
"Now, I went to the Avengers Mansion this morning to talk with Carol. You remember after Cassie and Jonas died, how she told us she knew a therapist who had a specialty with talking to superheroes, offered to get in touch with him for us if we needed to talk about our losses and all?"
Teddy nodded.
"I asked her to get in touch with him for me. If I'm going to get better, I'm gonna need to talk to a professional, someone who can help me deal with the things that I've done, who can help teach me how to be comfortable with my abilities, how to live again.
"And after all that, I want to be with you, Teddy. And I'm asking you to keep waiting for me, to keep holding on, because I'm not through with you yet. And I know that's so unfair for me to ask of you, given everything that's happened, and maybe I don't deserve to have someone like you waiting on me. Maybe you don't want to anymore, and that's cool too. But I hope I'm worth a second chance, because, Teddy, I really want my second chance to be with you."
Billy stared at Teddy, who stared back. Billy was lost in his eyes, in trying to decipher the look on the other man's face. Here he was, finally admitting to things, laying himself bare and out there, vulnerable, and hoping to hell that it was enough.
Then Teddy slipped his hand in Billy's and laced their fingers together, and finally Billy could breathe again. Teddy was grinning down on him and Billy could breathe.
"I'll wait for you as long as you want me to."
"Thank you," he breathed, then laid his head on Teddy's shoulder. "Thank you."
Everything would be okay. For once, Billy didn't feel like the world was going to end. The knot inside his stomach felt a little less dense, a little less snarled. He was going to make it this time. He'd survived the worst of it. Now all the had to do was put all the pieces back together again, and this time, that's something he was willing to work hard to do. Everything was finally going to be okay.