Disclaimer: Own nowt.

PLEASE READ THIS: This fic is not at all meant to be offensive to any - I repeat, ANY - groups of people or any people mentioned. Its just harmless fun. PLEASE R/R!

Chapter one: The beginning...

MUGGLE CRAZE!

The latest craze in teen wizards seems to have come from a different source than usual. Muggle chav's have inspired the younger generation and many parents are despairing. With their children swaggering around sporting muggle designer and heavy 'bling' (gold chains, rings and bracelets) and spouting such strange phrases as 'proper good', 'waddup' and 'yeah mate', one can only pray for the teachers at Britain's Witchcraft and Wizardry academy, Hogwarts.

(Author; S. Smilie)

The daily prophet that Harry was reading on his way to Kings Cross Station to begin his sixth year was quite a surprise for the teenage wizard. He had seen chav's on street corners near Privet Drive, and the description of a chav in the paper fitted them exactly.

"Here." Vernon Dursley grunted, pulling up sharp and popping the seat forward so Harry could get out of the door. Harry muttered a thanks and, getting Hedwig and his trunk out of the boot, proceeded to trek to Platform 9 ¾.

The platform was packed with wizards as usual, but there seemed to be something different about the atmosphere. There were fewer adults, and more huddles. The train whistled for last boarding and the doors were instantly packed with a pushing, shoving queue.

"Hey, watch it!"

"Get...out o' mi way!"

"Shove off ya batty boy!" There were many people yelling at each other, and even more would have geared up for a fight if it weren't so urgent to get on the train. Harry finally got on and located Ron and Hermione. He squeezed into the packed compartment that held Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny, Fred and George. The latter two rolled their eyes when Harry came in and made their excuses to find a less squashed compartment.

"Waddup Harry!" Ron and Hermione greeted Harry enthusiastically. Harry sat next to Neville and said hello back. Then he noticed something different about the greeting Ron had given him.

"Waddup...? Ron are you wearing a chain?" Ron nodded fervently.

"Yeah mate, its ma' bling innit?" There was an awkward pause.

"I didn't understand a word you just said." Ron was wearing a baseball cap backwards, a rusty looking gold chain and had tucked some faded blue tracksuit bottoms into his odd socks.

"He said: Yes I am, Its my jewellery isn't it?" Hermione translated. She rolled her eyes. "It's a fake gold chain and his tracksuit isn't any brand I've heard of." Harry smiled, but was slightly freaked. The next half an hour was filled with Ron trying out different phrases, mostly said in the wrong context and Harry and Hermione humouring him. Neville and Ginny were reading Potions books, trying to get in on the know-how for the new term.

"What do we have here then?" Well, Harry should have really expected it. Draco Malfoy and his cronies were at the door. Harry glanced at them, Hermione, and then did a double take.

Draco Malfoy was chav. In every way, all Harry could see was chav-chav-chav-chav-chav. His normally slicked back blond hair was in spikes; he had a small gold ring in his ear, was wearing a Fred Perry jacket and faded Levi jeans over-hanging shining white Adidas trainers. Crabbe and Goyle had made a half-hearted attempt at copying their leader in all black designer tracksuits. The over all effect of seeing the renowned posh junior aristocrat chavved up was unnerving.

"Huh, two Emo's, two geeks and a whav!"

"You what?" Why was everyone talking in ghetto lingo today? Mind you it seemed only Harry didn't get what he said, as everyone fired up.

"I'm not a geek!" Ginny shouted, getting to her feet.

"I'm not an Emo!" Hermione cried, also standing up.

"Just because I'm reading doesn't make me a geek!" Neville looked close to tears.

"How dare you call me a Whav?" Ron was red hot. He looked rather similar to a lobster. Crabbe and Goyle were cracking up, and Draco was sneering strangely at Harry.

"What's this Potter? Hey Crabbe, Goyle mate, this Emo don't, like, know what he is?" Crabbe and Goyle were doubled over in laughter now, and Ron looked ready to explode.

"I AM NOT A WHAV!"

"Why are you all talking so weirdly?"

"I mean, am I wearing skinny jeans? Am I crying? Do I hate my life!"

"Whats a whav? Whats an Emo? Why am I an Emo?"

"You're all BATTY BOY'S!" At this insult the fired up, chavvical Ron hexed Malfoy into a small green and purple frog, promptly got beaten up by Crabbe and Goyle who then joined Malfoy in the frog department thanks to a curse from the riled up 'Emo' Hermione. Harry was still wondering what all these strange words meant when the medics arrived.

"I know being a 'Chav' is cool and hip at the moment, but if all this is going to bring is fights and swearing then I will ban it!" Dumbledore's start of year speech was decidedly sterner than normal, considering the forty two fights that had had to be broken up on the train and in the hall and the three first years that had been pushed in the lake.

"And finally, Filch says that if he catches one more student calling him a filthy sweaty bum to his face or behind his back they will severely regret it. Now to our food."

Food appeared in front of the hungry students and they tucked into the feast.

"Harry, Harry!" Ernie Macmillan was waving at Harry from the Ravenclaw table. Harry stared. The pompous boy had donned not one, but three heavy gold chains and a large gold medallion sporting his initials and the words 'da beast'. His fingers were encrusted with two gold sovereign rings on each digit, and his wrists were weighed down with several massive gold chain bracelets.

Maybe the Ravenclaw's had taken the chav look over the top, Harry reasoned, looking at their table. Several girls were styling the muggle 'council house facelift' ponytail, plastering their hair back (all but two strands at the front obviously) and making their features stretch up an inch. The same girls were wearing thick eyeliner and skirts the size of belts if not smaller. As Harry looked around he saw that all but a few people (those people including himself and Hermione) were not dressed in uniform.

Harry settled himself picking at some chips. He had lost his appetite really, the sight of so many chav's was slightly nauseating.

"I is bling-bling." Seamus tried as he walked into the boy's dormitories. Harry rolled his eyes and tripped over his pyjama leg. He landed on his bum with an 'oof' and froze as he was surrounded by three jeering guys. Neville was sitting on his bed, frozen like Harry because like Harry he had about the same amount of knowledge on chav's as a snail has on hard-drugs.

"SHE FELL OVA'! SHE FELL OVA'" Ron was looking at Seamus to see if he was going to go on for a third time and Seamus was looking at Dean for inspiration. He didn't have to look very far however, because the muggle-born (currently indistinguishable from Ali-G - including a false goatee and a neon yellow plastic jacket) was literally bouncing around Harry, pointing and singing. The other two died down slowly, and all eyes were on the oblivious Dean, slightly embarrassed in the 'Whavs' cases.

Dean was still singing after Harry had gotten up and the castle had gone to bed (but he was now trying out his Ali-G accent so he sounded more like; 'Hee fell ov-AH!'. Eventually Harry had to hex him to get him to stop.

Next chapter:

Chavs in class...