It's been going...for how long now? No matter how far I try to reach in my memory, he's there. Close, ready to help, patient. A little sarcastic, yet deep in heart, a lost, very good soul. He never shows this other side to the world, unless...it's me. I am the only person he ever shown his true self. For the world he is cold, for me...
- lord Nerevar! -
What now? Ah, yes, we've been planning an attack on Dumac and his people. My war friend who betrayed us. Or it was other way around? That's no longer matter.
- For the love of gods,lord Nerevar, please, pay attention -
- I am, please continue -
I wasn't. For the moment everything in the world seems to fade away in comparison with events of the last night. Events that...could happen diffrently. Could they?
- lord Nerevar, this is very important step in our war tactics. Me, Sotha and Ayem were planning to do it that way, yet, if you want to do it diffrently, we should reconsider the whole... -
I stopped for a moment, knowing were his words were going. After that night, nothing else seemed to matter
- I agree with the plans, go on -
What in Oblivion have I done? And why... why it seem to be...so
true
pure
mine.
- Voryn! -
Going through the corridor, I saw familiar face on the opposite side. He seemed to be lost in thoughts, taken far away from the reality. I shouted again, and his eyelids changed shape, as if he heard me this time. He nodded, trying to smile, yet it was obvious there was something bothering him.
- My lord -
- Voryn, please, I told you to adress me directly by my name - I said. I loved the way he used to do it. I felt so special. So important. Many people called me directly by the name, but no one, not even my wife could make my heart go faster by saying this one simple word
- I apologize... Nerevar - I felt like I had goosebumbs all over me. Moment later I thought it was stupid to react like that, which made me smile nervously. What's wrong with me?
- You seemed to be taken away, Rin - I made few steps closer - I'm worried -
- Trust me, it's nothing - he added, trying not to look into my eyes. He was lying and he knew that I know it. He knew me better than this - May I join you in your walk? -
- Please don't be ridiculous my friend, of course you can. That will be a pleasure -
He nodded silently, smiling a little. There was something bothering his heart. Something he decided to keep away from me. His closest friend. Have I done something wrong?
- Plans go smoothly - I yawned - If tommorow everything will go as planned, Dwemers will surely surrender. Vehk, Seht and Ayem - have I seen it well, or did he shudder while I said her name? - as well as the rest of the generals seem to agree on that point. Red Mountain as well as all crucial points will be ours. Or so they said. - I sighed, stopping - Voryn, you're closest person I've ever known, I may tell you everything, right? -
He laughed, like if it was obvious and stupid question. Seeing no one else were around, I stepped another steps closer and said
- I don't want to attack the Dwemers. -
He stopped as well, looking in my direction as if what I said was surprising, yet good to hear.
- Why is that, my Hortator? - He saw my glare and laughed - Nerevar, I meant Nerevar. So, what is this thing that changed your mind? -
- The thing that changed my mind... -
I wanted to hear him laughing again. for a moment, I had forgotten all my thoughts, filled by the sound of his voice. I realized that it was a long time I hadn't hear him laughing.
- I agree with the others, I think their plan might work. I'm sure they gave me a good counsel. But for some reasons, I don't think this is the right thing to do anymore. -
He smiled a little. A little, but my heart seemed to start beating as fast as it was going to jump out of my chest when I noticed that truthful smile of his.
- Nerevar - for some reason I suddenly thought that he noticed the pleasure gave his saying of my name. Or it was a mistake, were I overthinking? - Lord Dumac used to be friends of your for the years. You both fighted side by side, army by army, it's a a bond no one can erase quickly. Bond you both share - he stopped for a moment - is something uncommon -
- Yet, he betrayed me. He betrayed us - I added, without thinking too much about it. In the moment I felt like I said something wrong. - He did, right? -
He stopped walking, and crossed his arms on his chest.
- He... betrayed us. even though... everything, he betrayed me and my people. -
Voryn simply nodded calmly at my words.
- and... the thing we should do... the force we should cast upon his people... it's the right thing to do... -
- And who's, exactly, the one who put those words in your mouth, Nerevar? -
The simple line he said, cutting of my words, caught me off guard at the point that I nearly stuttered.
- ...what? -
That's definitely not something I was thinking I would hear. Yet, it was truth. Those weren't my words. None of above ever crossed my mind. Still, I acted like they were. Why? Was that the right thing to do? Right thing to do for the Hortator, for all those people? Was it right...for him?
No. It wasn't. And he knew that from the very beginning. Gods, why I am such a fool. I can no longer recognize what true and what's not. I felt torn and I wished he didn't say that simple line of words...No, it's a good thing he did. He knows me better. But...where does that leave me? I wanted to shout that he's right, but I had duties I had to play with. In the end, I remained silent longer than normally, and he just stood there, waiting patiently. Like he knew what was going in my head and decided to let me clear everything with myself. But, will that ever happen?
wandered so much in my thoughts that when I felt his hand on my shoulder I twitched. He noticed, his hand back to his side, and his eyes darkened.
- I'm sorry. -
Damn me, damn me to Oblivion. I was able to break every good moment, lately everytime he tried to show me sympathy I reacted like I was completely stranger to that feel.
- Voryn... -
- I think you should rest. I think you need to sleep over your thoughts, it would probably help you. -
- I...I think you're right - I added, as we continued our walk toward my room quaters. We remained silent, and there was nothing but our steps heard on that hall. Steps, and the beating of my heart, going side by side, rhytmically.
I looked at Voryn's face, trying to detect any kind of emotion. There was none however, he seemed to be lost in thoughts again and I felt it's because of me, of the way I acted. Why I acted like that? He's probably the closest being in this world to me, why would I react in such way? I hurt him, I knew it. And probably I didn't even realise how hard.
- Voryn...I... - I started nervously. As I though, it took a moment for him to come back from his thoughts - let's ignore politics for a while. They may wait until dawn, now I just want to have honest conversation with my friend. What's wrong? -
- As I said, Nerevar, it's nothing that... -
- STOP IT ALREADY - I said angrily a lot louder than I should. He seemed to be as surprised of this reaction as I was. Instead of being mad, he started to laugh, as he always did. Turning serious matters into a joke.
- I had no idea it would be so important for you. It's House Dagoth matters, nothing really interesting, my friend - he smiled, trying to continue walking. But he couldn't - I instinctally caught his arm, waiting for the answer. The true one.
- You're lying, Rin -
His face stopped the usual smile
- Am I? -
That moment, something triggered inside me.
I felt a weird urge, like the feeling of having to do something too important to be delayed. I felt the urge of holding him in my arms, to tell him how much he was important for me.
I felt the need to share with him the awful stream of thoughts and worries that roamed in my heart.
- You are. Now we'll go to my quarters, sit down, have a conversation with something to drink. and you'll tell me the truth. -
- And if I refuse... ? -
I didn't know if I had to be worried by his last question, but the half smirk on his face gave me the right push.
- You won't. it is your Hortator, Lord, and best friend here, demanding you. -
For some reason unknown to me, his smile sweetened at my words.
We reached my quaters quite quickly. They were big and messy, since I asked my maid not to clean it this morning. If I knew it would make me as embarassed as I am now, I wouldn't stop her in the world. Voryn however didn't seem to care about the look of the room - he quickly sat down, and waited for the drink I offered not so long ago.
- How about House Dagoth's brandy? - I asked, going through the shelves.
- Everything but that - he laughed - it may be one of the best brandy in the Resdayn, but personally, I'd like to drink something diffrent once in a while. It's enough that other members of our House make me drink it on every occassion -
- Normal brandy then - I said it almost in singing voice. When he noticed that, he laughed again
- Now that's the drinking spirit, my friend -
Even if I turned red at the beginning, soon I found myself joining him in his friendly laugh. He made me feel secure, joking about me or not. And joking about Hortator - that's something I didn't see very often.
We drank together and he easily started a topic regarding politics and matters of the Great Houses, mostly being turned into friendly gossip. Like when we were kids, when every big trouble seemed so far from the world we shared.
I enjoyed the simple chat, laughed at his jokes, still remaining pretty aware of the amount of liquor I was fitting in my system.
- You shouldn't be so uptight. - He poured some more in my cup.
- As a good leader, you should get drunk every now and then. -
I laughed.
- Since when good leaders get drunk, Ryn? -
- Well, maybe it's not written in history books, that's for sure, and all the important people in the past won't be remembered for how many hangovers the had to deal with... still I think that being able to faint over a cup of good brandy is the bare essential for a Hortator. -
- You and your weird theories... - I sipped the liquor. - And it's easy, since you can drink twelve barrels of this and still being sober. -
- Oh, you say. You've had this idea since the last time I won on that drinking competition... -
I laughed at the memory. And found weird that the memory that time together seemed so very far.
Time passed slowly as we were drinking, sip by sip, laughing at completely normal matters. I felt dizzy in my head, but I didn't want to admit it - he won that competition once, I won't let him win it again. And why I find that thought so stupid? Laughing out loud, I turned to Rin. He seemed to be pretty sober in opposition to me. Suddenly, I felt another stupid thought crossing my mind, and I were too drunk to let it be in my head
- Voryn...when we were kids... -
- Hahah, as always, you start being sentimental while drinking - he smiled and friendly pat my back. But unfortunately, that didn't stop me.
- You...did this. - I turned red from the memory. He however had no idea what I'm saying
- I did what, Nere? - he leaned toward me, hearing my voice is starting to be more and more quiet. And that wasn't helping the situation.
I looked into his blue eyes. He did into mine. And there was no holding back of the events that was about to happen.
When I realized what I was doing, I was sitting on his lap, his face, hair, ears in my hands. And my mouth was glued to his.
But what startled me the most were his hands. one on my nape, pushing my lips onto his. the other in the back of my pants.
I springed up like I had touched something burning, breaking the contact with his face, and sat straight on his legs with my hands in front of me, as to protect myself from something invisible.
And his face. He was all flushed, his cheeks red, his eyes fluttered open. his lips were almost swollen after the deep contact with mine.
- Nere, I... -
He took one of my hands with his. I shuddered, but didn't twitch.
- I'm... I'm sorry... -
I felt that my heart was about to explode. My breath was so fast that I could almost feel the pain in my lungs.
- I'm sorry. - He lowered his sight. - it's... it's my fault. I think you drank too much, probably you should just get to sleep. I'm... yeah well, I'm unforgivable, huh? -
- Voryn... -
I felt like I was about to break. I wanted to scream, I wanted to get away from him, and I wanted to kiss him again.
- Voryn, it's not your fault. really... I... I'm a bit lost, if I'm true to myself. But don't look at me like that, I can't bear it, please. -
I took his face in my hands.
- Look at me. -
He seemed sad beyond words. I had never ever seen him like that. Then he said something that I didn't quite catch, maybe because his voice was very low, maybe because of the alcohol.
Then he grabbed me and kissed me again.
My heart was pounding, and I couldn't control myself from sucking delicately his sweet lips. I felt so wrong, yet so complete. Feeling that was going through my body was nearly indescribable, but it didn't change the fact that I felt urge to continue. As I apologized in my mind to all the gods, I grabbed his face and continued to kiss it, again and again as if the world were about to end, and that was the only possibility to feel free and true to day, so many time ago, when you, you idiot, kissed all of a sudden, lead us to this room, to this very moment. All those years you were close , but I didn't realize how close exactly you are and always were to my heart. How I felt about you deep inside. How I hurt you again and again by rejecting any sign of your feelings. How I wanted to apologize for every little time I made smile to go away from your beautiful face. Forgive me, Rin.
- Nere, I...I -You opened your eyes while you stopped the kiss for a moment, trying to say, but seeming to be out of breath - Since that day when we were kids, I... -
For a moment I thought to put finger on his lips, making him unable to continue. I knew what he was about to say. Yet all my body were waiting to hear it. Every little word. I needed them so badly.
- You... -
I touched his cheeks with my fingers, then his hair. Then his lips, lightly, then the eyelids he had closed for a moment.
- I love you. I've always loved you. and I'll always will. -
His eyes were so watery, they shone in the small light of the candles.
- My sweet Nerevar... -
I enjoyed almost phisically the feeling of my name being uttered by his beautiful, warm voice.
His hand placed on my cheek, and I kissed the palm. But still, he seemed so sad. The look on his face was so deeply tainted by something that I still couldn't reach, and that was bothering me like a needle stuck on my back.
- Voryn, there's so much I wish I could tell you. - I said in a low tone, so low that I feared that he hadn't heard me, yet a part of me actually hoped he hadn't.
- All of this time together... all of this time you were here, by my side. And I never told you... never once... how much I needed you. how much I... wanted you. with me, and no one else. -
I tried to smile.
- I didn't, and I'm a fool, you see. -
- You're not. -
He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, then my cheek.
- You're no fool. -
And then he started kissing my neck. When I felt his theet grazing my collarbone I clenched my fist on his jacket in surprise.
- Relax, - He whispered in my ear - Relax, and trust me. -
I barely had the time to nod.
Time seemed to stop, as he kissed passionately again and again my neck, slowly coming down. I felt like heat was of the moment was going to kill me. I started to breath quickly under the pleasure of his touch. I bit my lip as he started to unbutton my laced shirt, one stripe after another, slowly, taking his kisses down as he opened my cloth. I felt the heat, my heart going crazy, and emptiness in my head. Like that moment is the only thing that mattered in the whole universe, like there was no past or future. Only here and now, with him, the person I loved from the bottom of my heart from the day I met him, kissing and both delicately and passionately sucking my skin. I didn't even notice the moment when he took my shirt away, leaving me half naked in front of him. He looked at me and smiled sweetly. And then, this happened.
I took him in my arms, even if while being drunk I hardly had the strenght, and took him on the bed which we were sitting near by. He was surprised to say at least, but didn't say anything, waiting for my words. And I hear them loud and clear in my head, while I said them:
- I want to repay you for all the years I hurt you, Rin. All the single day. Lay down, and as you said: trust me -
Before he could do any objections, I leaned forward. I was always the stronger one in us both. And that advantage was about to help me perfectly.
- I do trust you... - He whispered, his breathing becoming heavier as I removed slowly every piece of cloth from his beautiful, golden skin.
- I have... always been... trusting you... -
He was all flustered, and as I made my tongue run on his belly a strange gasp escaped his lips.
I smiled.
- I know. -
I wasn't expecting to find him so eager. He looked down at me biting his lower lip, his features being so adorable that I almost giggled.
And, on the other hand, I found myself surprised by hearing the sweet compilation of small mews and suprised pants that came from him as I gave him pleasure. And I enjoyed every one of it.
I must have been really drunk as ever. I could never imagine to draw satisfaction by knowing that I could make him cry only using my mouth. And he seemed surprised as well, at least that was what his sweet voice was telling me.
When I stopped to look at him in the eyes, he bit his lip so hard that it nearly scratched.
- Why... huh... - He took some air in his lungs, cutting his own words.
yeah, air, that unknown thing. I realized that I was so focused that I hadn't been breathing too much as well, my lungs were hurting again.
- Why you... err... stopped...? -
And then I smiled. Widely, sincerely smiled to him, which left him with mixed feelings. Seeing his confused expression in the breaks of heavy breathing made him look even more adorable than he looked before.
- I hope one day you may forgive me all those things I did to you while being so ignorant - I said, while feeling heavyness at my chest. Voryn, you suffered so much because of me. I'm going to repay you. Every single minute of pain I caused you, my sweet. Every and each of it.
He had no chance to answer, as I moved down his stomach, slowly taking down his pants and my head towards it.
-Nere...what are... you...-
I had no intension in answering, I wanted for him to feel it so badly, how my emotions towards him rush through my head and my mouth, as I slowly kissed and sucked his skin, going lower and lower. He's mews were telling me exactly what I wanted to hear. I couldn't want more for him to feel the pleasure of the moment, and I felt the same.
- S-stop it -
That's funny, thought crossed my mind. As I gently was kissing his manhood, as I heard every little cry, society would tell me that I should feel wrong, guilty . For every touch of my lips on his beautiful golden skin I felt more and more that I don't care if it's bad or forbidden. For a brief moment, we belonged to noone else but each other. There were no false courtesy, political marriages or etiquette of those who were somehow important. We were for each other. Like we always belonged together, and it should always be like it is like now. I heard another cry from his mouth as I licked his body all the way. Here we were, and I'm not gonna let anyone take you from me, Rin. No one.
It was strange, to feel myself inside of him.
It was both warm and cold, beautiful, powerful. But strange as well, because it didn't feel any wrong or weird, it didn't feel like we were doing something we shouldn't.
And he spoke my name, grabbing the sheets underneath him, and I spoke his, pushing myself in and out. And his eyebrows were curved upwards, and my fingers were entertwining his. And his whispers were all for me, for it was me the one they belonged to.
Voryn, my sweet, my one and only. I am blind, stupid, I haven't been deserving someone like you by my side. But still you are, you have always been.
You were looking at me with glistening eyes, your voice being so foamy I couldn't catch the words. The I realized you were saying that you love me.
I felt so guilty. Everything I did, every choice I took, it was regardless of your feelings towards me. Feelings you still had the strenght to demonstrate. Because you're strong, while I'm weak and blind.
- I love you too, Rin. -
You opened your eyes wide, like if I said something in an unknown language. Panting heavily, you stared into my eyes. And then, you laughed. I was expecting every reaction but this. It took me a moment to realise you weren't making fun of the statement I just said with heavy heart. You were nervously laughing, whispering something to yourself. When you noticed my confused face, you stood up, touching gently my face and whispering to my ear
- You made all those years of my miserable life complete. -
You kissed my lips with passion, and threw us both back on the bed. My heart was going crazy, as if it was trying to jumps of my chest. And somehow, I felt something, some feeling deep inside of me, which was trying to overhelm those on the surface. I am Hortator, responsible leader of many chimers. I've been married. We're nearly at war and what I am I doing? Fooling myself - no, I'm not, stop it! - that I feel something to my closest friend. Go away, that's not it! I have feelings for him, I always did, I...
I sped up, making him growl even faster and louder, while trying to get over all those thoughts that overhelmed my head. What I feel-
- Nere...! -
is not
- p-please -
WRONG!
We both growled nearly at the same moment, panting heavily. All sweating, he looked at me with care. No. I'm not worthy of that look on your beautiful face. All those thoughts...I...
Not long after, he fell asleep. I watched him for a moment, feeling guilt. My heart was fighting with my mind, and heart was losing. I had problem recognizing who I am any longer
Am I Nerevar Moon-and-Star, Hortator of the Chimers, leader of tribes, husband to the lady of House Dres...
...or I am naive Nere who's always been in love with you.
When I was sure you were asleep, I covered my face with my hands and cried quietly. This night, I had to choose, and so I did.
- Forgive me, Rin - I whispered, covering you with the blanket, dressing up and leaving the room.
- Forgive me-
- it is decided then. -
the elf in front of me was nodding lightly, looking at me like I really had told him something important, and not just answered blakly at his questions.
I shrugged the thoughts off of my mind and sighed.
- it is, Lord Vivec. We will cast our forces upon Dumac's people, tell everyone I want everything ready for tomorrow. The attack will be cast in a few days. -
He bent courteously, saying something out of etiquette that I didn't really mind. I saluted him as well, and waited for him to get out of my sight to let my body lean on the back of the chair.
I played absently with the papers on my desk. I should have been worrying a lot, troubling over the next difficulties that my people and I would encounter.
Yet, I wasn't. events of that night still wandered in my thoughts like ghosts, in a mix of heavy feelings I couldn't actually analyse.
I wasn't even sure of what I had to think. I felt ashamed, then I felt relieved. Most of all, I felt lonely.
The decision was taken, the war was going to begin. I didn't know what this could lead us on, I didn't know if it was the right decision to take, yet a part of me forced my words out of my mouth.
The only tought that kept me from going insane was the one of my people.
'I belong to them.' 'I am Hortator'.
Next, there was his blushing face, his sweet cries, and his warm voice calling me his Nere, telling me he loves me.
- I belong to my people. -
I had said it out loud.
Then I heard the noise of the door creaking open. I didn't need to turn around to know who was entering my room, I knew it only by the way he was breathing, by the sound of the steps.
And he suddenly stopped.
- Nere? -
I closed my eyes, before turning back. Before acting like that what happened last night never did. Before hurting you straight in the heart once again like I did for my whole life unintentionally. This time however, it was diffrent. I was doing it for purpose. For your sake. Or for mine?
-Lord Dagoth - I whispered coldly
You were surprised, opening eyes widely. But seeing my expression and tone of my voice quickly made you realise what that meant.
My heart nearly broke when you closed your eyes for a moment, like making yourself hold from crying. It was only that brief moment, but for me, it felt like forever.
- I meant, my Hortator.- he said with a fake smile, looking me calmly in the face, going into some nonsense about war matters, like evething were perfectly fine.
I continued this sharade. Smiling, nodding.
Yet...
I knew.
The thing we had, died in this very room. Crying, begging for mercy,and yet I stabbed it without hesistation.
And I did the right thing.
I beg you.
Smile and tell me I did.