This is the tale of a very very very very boring man… well, more like a boy. Actually, more like a man-child/fetus. Maybe that is even a little offensive to man-children and fetuses. He's really pathetic and a bit mentally challenge but not in a born-that-way way but a he openly chose not to exercise his brain function.

Anyway, back to the story or lack there of one as this boy-child thing sat in his room reading fan fiction on his computer doing about the only thing he could. His name is Joe Schmoesterson (Shmo-ster-sun) and he is by every sense of the word, a loser. He works at a corporate job part-time putting caps on toothpaste so he can afford his one bedroom apartment and internet connection. With this, he reads fanfiction when he isn't sleeping and working.

Joe is extremely pathetic when it comes to life and existence in whole. Often times, he doesn't even read the stories or play the games that he reads fiction on. In fact, he doesn't hear about most of them until he reads fanfiction of them. To him, the cesspool of terrible stories, awkward grammar and worse than that spelling is the greatest library he has ever found.

Whatever chance of a decent life this guy had, left him quite a while ago. Probably back when he first read Harry Potter and then wanted more. This addiction has stolen away his life and he fell deeper and deeper into it. He constantly frequented reddit, and TV tropes in which then found his newest addiction.

From TV tropes, Joe found Mass Effect which completely broke his concept of reality. Soon, he found himself reading constant stories that consisted of people a lot more manly and in better shape. That it not to say he was fat but rather the opposite as he had no muscle or fat. He often starved himself relying on butter and toast to sustain him along with a jug of milk. Don't ask me why he lives such a pathetic life or to what decisions that lead him here for Joe himself does not even know. Perhaps he has always been like this or he evolved to this from a slow devolution of the human state, we will never know, but it is pathetic.

I mean seriously, imagine being me a narrator and having to tell the story of this asshole. Sure, a being of a higher state like me must attend to telling the story of one person but I got so shafted. Sure my buddy Frank was going to be sick and I owed him a favor but seriously, why do I deserve this? I don't know, sometimes I suspect that Frank knew about this guy but other times I figure he really didn't and I just got unlucky.

In fact, I found that Joe is SO boring, I've decided to liven up his life a little. By throwing him into the world of Mass Effect. Frank thinks that it'll be exciting, but I doubt it. This guy can make anything boring, but I guess we'll find out.

…

Joe opened his eyes, looking around himself and taking in the view. He didn't remember taking the scenic route home and he also didn't remember living anywhere near a field. Last he checked, he lived in the mountains.

"Where the hell am I?"

Oh my god, he talks to himself… maybe I should have know that considering I watch him every day. NO I'M NOT A CREEPER, IT'S MY JOB!

Joe stood himself up and began walking around in circles, looking for whatever brought him here, after all there was no way he just slept walked here. At least to the best of his knowledge he didn't sleep walk. It could totally have happened and he didn't realize it but considering he lived in the Rockies and the nearest flat land was a days hike away, there was good reason to keep assuming he didn't sleep walk.

Joe continued walking in circles like an idiot for well over five minutes in a panic. Upon his third donut in the field and levelling a good section of wheat stamped down, he saw smoke off in the distance. Obvious to anyone, smoke meant people and people meant a town or small thing like a town. A village, that's the word.

Schmoesterson took two steps toward it before a loud sound cut into his ears and something zipped past him at lightning speed. Behind him, there were figures approaching at what could be considered a leisurely pace. The idiot, thinking they were friendlies, started walking toward them without a second thought. This turned out to be the wrong thing to do as he quickly figured out they were not friendly and the thing that zipped past him was a bullet, as signalled by the hail they were putting in his direction.

Joe took off deeper into the field and headed for the smoke, hoping to god that it wasn't their base. Though, knowing his luck it probably was. Seriously, Joe was so unlucky that when he walked into a casino, he started with a deficit.

The field of wheat proved to be slightly painful for Joe, as the grain slapped against his exposed skin. All he was wearing, was some tennis shoes, short socks, and shorts on his lower half giving the wheat free reign on his legs. He stumbled on the odd rock, but recovered quickly enough. I'd go into more detail, but he somehow managed to not get hit, get overrun by the figures, or fall on a rock. This continued on for about three miles.

Eventually, Schmoesterson crested a hill and paused.

...

...

...

Sorry, it wasn't dramatic enough yet. Schmoesterson paused at the top of a hill and saw what looked like shipping containers on the far side. The smoke was nearby, and the shipping containers were further evidence that people lived there. Then another bullet whizzed by Joe's head and the whoosh startled him. Coincidentally, he was also standing on a loose rock. The combination of unsafe footing and unanticipated stimulation triggering a fight or flight reflex caused Joe to trip head over heels, see his pursuers, and start tumbling down the hill. He hit like five more rocks on his way down.

Joe smacked down on the bottom of the hill looking back up to see the three figures come into full view. "Are those… Geth?"

All three of them leveled their guns at him and readied to fire just before a weird bubble formed between them, knocking them back. Then, before they could get up, three guns rang out behind him and tore apart the robots. He quickly flipped over and looked up to see three sci-fi looking soldiers close in on him.

"Freeze right there." Said the one on the left, "We'll take care of them."

The man in the middle stepped forward and checked a grenade into the midst of the geth, blowing them apart after activating a weird orange thing on his hand. "Kaidan, get the boy up. Jenkins, keep an eye on our perimeter."

"Yes, sir!" They both rang out.

The man walked forward and over to Joe, holstering his rifle in the process. "Hello, I'm Commander Shepard and this is my crew Jenkins and Kaidan. We are here to secure the colony."

And, great, it's a paragon goody-two shoes Shepard, the boring type.

"Commander Shepard?" Joe said, eyes widening as Kaidan helped him up. "Uh, I'm Joe Schmoesterson but my friends call me Schmoe."

"Hm, well Schmoe, how is it you found your way here?"

"It's… I… I don't really know. I kinda woke up and… I can't remember." A panic started to cause the idiot to have a anxiety attack since he had never been under this kinda stress before.

"Hey, hey, hey." Shepard grabbed ahold of him, putting an arm over his shoulder. "We'll help get you through this. We are the heroes after all, and so long as we stick together there is nothing that can de-"

Joe cut Shepard off with a scream as he saw Jenkins step out into the open and a swarm of drones come flying at him. Pushing off of Shepard, he ran at Jenkins trying as hard as he could to get to him. All the fan fictions he read to this point rang in his ears…

Wait, if he read them, how is that an ear metaphor? I mean some computers have text to speech but does this idiot even know how to use that? Why am I asking you? You haven't been watching him as his narrator. Remind me to ask Frank if he saw anything when he came over.

Anyway, Joe reached out with to save Jenkins and a blue aura surrounded Jenkins. The idiot's heart skipped a beat as he realized that he was the one doing that. Following what he had seen, he pulled toward himself trying to yank Jenkins out of the gunfire.

Now, one might think that someone with biotics would be competent with them. However, this is Joe Schmoesterson and he just got them. In other words, start feeling sorry for Jenkins as he shot backwards into a outcropping of rocks with a loud wet crack. The drones sat there afterwards, shaking as if they were chuckling at what just happened.

"Uh...did he just kill Jenkins with biotics?" Kaidan stated the obvious.

"Nonsense!" Shepard said, walking over and putting his arm around Joe again. "He was obviously making a gut reaction. Jenkins was just in the wrong place for it. I'm sure if you work with this kid, he'll be a great biotic."

"...What."

"Yeah, did you see the power he pulled Jenkins with? We could use that." Shepard let go of Joe and walked over to Jenkins picking up his assault rifle. "Here Joe, we are now recruiting."

"Now you want to give him a gun?!"

Relax Kaidan, this moron will probably just shoot himself with it...and now instead of just talking to myself, I'm talking to fictional characters who can't hear me. God, this is so boring. Wait, can a disembodied voice even believe in god?

Joe took the gun and looked at Shepard in confusion. "Uh, look, I've read a lot of… material on this and I think I agree with Kaidan. I just killed one of your team."

"Meh, if you hadn't the Geth would've anyway."

Joe and Kaidan exchanged looks of wonder about Shepard but Joe eventually nodded figuring that he couldn't argue with Shepard. "Okay, I guess I'll follow."

"Not just that, but you can take point. Lead us to the Beacon, Schmoe. I'm sure you know this area like the back of your hand." Shepard said, pushing Joe out in front.

"What? But I don't even have armor or shields?!" Joe said, incredulous at this blatant disregard for human safety.

Oh, so it's a paragon Shepard who's an idiot/crazy. Good, much better than the boring vanilla paragon. This could get interesting.

"No, I'm sure you'll be fine, you have barrier. Like all biotics." Shepard replied, waving him forward.

"But I haven't put any points into barrier!"

"Wait, are you metagaming IRL?" Shepard asked, outraged at the lack decency Joe was showing.

A Shepard that knows about metagaming? A crazy, paragon nerd. This just keeps getting better and better.

"Hey, uh, sorry to interrupt, but we've still got Geth shooting at us!" Kaidan interjected, Geth bullets flying by their position.

Shepard threw Joe into cover, and directed him to fire at the drone on the left. He obliged the commander's orders and stood up to fire the weapon. Sure, he never shot a gun before, or even held one but he read about it enough on the internet. How hard could it be?

He pulled the trigger and the gun fired, full auto on the drone taking it out but continuing to lift up until Joe fell straight on his ass and it overheated. He looked over and saw Shepard take out his drone with one shot from his pistol. Then, he holstered it and walked back over to Joe.

"Not to shabby newbie. You're pretty good with that gun." He said, helping Joe up.

Kaidan rushed over stunned. "Are you kidding me?! He didn't know what the hell he was doing. Obviously if it wasn't for the guns auto-targeting, he would never have killed the thing."

"Nonsense, the kid's a natural. I'm sure he'll be a wonderful addition to the crew." Shepard chimed, starting off toward Ashley, smiling and humming.

Kaidan and Joe started walking after him, the former rubbing his temples. "I can't believe I volunteered for this crew."

S7: Well, this is going to be AWESOME! I say this on every fic I write.

Grrys: Well, this time, it's true.

S7: I feel like I'm going to get love or hate from this. Can't tell.

T117: Eh, maybe somewhere in the middle. Or both.

Grrys: Likely both, as some will be all "Yeah, you make fun of that SI!" While others will be all "Screw this, you should feel bad, putting that poor man through all that funny shit." Overall, meh.

T117:...What, you mean people sometimes feel bad about doing mean things to their characters? Huh. New concept.

Grrys: People usually get attached to OTHER people's characters...

S7: Well, too bad. It's my character and I will do whatever I want to him. Maybe he's gay, maybe he is an it. I don't know. I haven't thought of it yet but it's my decision.

T117: Or the fans, if their suggestions turn out better than what you think of.

S7: This is my satire and I'll do what I want with it. Plus, I don't think anyone can really beat what I have planned.

Grrys: I came up with most of Joe's name.

T117: And I provided the majority of the narration snark.

S7: You wrote two lines for the narration snark.

T117: It was three, and I gave you the starting points for the rest of

S7: Anyway, I think I better tell people what this came from. It's an SI brainchild that I had to get out of my head basically, it will be me going through and making fun of stuff that I perceive as cliches in fan fictions. Such as an inept person who has never held a gun somehow ending up on Shepard's team. It's kinda my rebuttal too of people saying that Users isn't very believable because they need the universe to be real in order to feel for the people.

T117: Bets that Joe will actually end up being more well liked than Ty?

S7: Ty wasn't meant to be liked, he was- Nevermind, this A/N has gone on way too long and I don't really want to get into character traits, developments and plans, so everyone sign off and let's go play some videogames.

T117: Works for me. Sayonara.

S7:1473I2

Grrys: Bye all! Why is it never a greeting?