Sam groaned as he picked up yet another pillow off of the floor and tossed it lazily onto his own bed. This was the fourth night that Dean had discarded it, and Sam was starting to get slightly irate at having to pick it up, ask why it had been thrown to the side the following morning and get his head bitten off for doing so.
To be honest, he knew precisely why. It was just that he wanted Dean to confirm it. To admit it. But anyone who knew Dean well would know that he would never admit to having actual feelings. The only time he would say anything on the subject of emotions was when they was in dire need of being spoken about, and Sam knew as well as anyone that bottling everything up all the time was definitely an unhealthy habit.
Sam smiled sadly as he saw Dean curl up more so and bury his face into the trenchcoat that he'd been using as a pillow since the day Castiel had waded into that lake and disappeared.
In private, away from Dean's ears, Sam and Bobby had discussed Cas, his trenchcoat, and how even though Dean put on a brave face and almost never spoke about the angel, they could sometimes overhear him cursing Castiel's name and praying for his return. It was a sensitive topic, but both Sam and Bobby agreed that Dean holding on to Castiel's trenchcoat was not exactly the best idea. They all needed to focus on defeating the Leviathan, and if Dean's attentions were elsewhere, they were all screwed.
There was no point asking for Dean to give up the coat, Sam thought as he yawned and checked the small alarm clock. It displayed the time 11:00pm, and even though there were many nights he and Dean had come back to their beds hours and hours later than that, it didn't stop him getting extremely tired at this time. He climbed into bed as quietly as possible, not bothering to change out of his jeans and shirt, and settled down with his hands propped behind his head. Luckily he had not even caused Dean to stir let alone wake up, and he let out a slow, quiet sigh of relief.
He could take it from Dean while he went out to get more pie? Sam knew exactly where Dean kept the coat, and could easily steal it before Dean returned. The idea seemed good for a time, but he knew he could definitely not deal with the guilt that came with carrying out this plan, and it would only give his hallucinations more fuel to disturb him. He could ask Bobby to steal it… but no, that would be a bad idea as well. He would still feel guilty for asking someone else to take it, and Bobby would probably refuse in the first place seeing as he wasn't exactly the master of keeping things secret and would probably reveal that it was he who had taken it.
Sam felt his heavy eyelids droop, and decided, as he took another look at the clock, that he would figure this out tomorrow. It wasn't of the utmost urgency that the coat came out of Dean's possession, but it was still pretty important. The pleasant feeling of calm and quiet and the lack of Lucifer niggling at his brain was enough to send him to sleep almost instantly.
11:10pm and 58 seconds. Dean woke with a start and sat bolt upright, his hand still clenched firmly on the trenchcoat as he blinked rapidly to try and see through the darkness. He had no idea what had caused him to suddenly return to consciousness, and was just about to reach for the shotgun stashed under the bed when he heard a faint rustling of wings.
The presence of someone familiar was in the room, and Dean knew automatically who it was, but he didn't want to admit it to himself. He didn't want to believe that this was real and it was Castiel, only to to be let down harshly. He cautiously reached for the lamp on the side table and clicked it on.
When he turned back to look at the imposer, he had to bite his lip to stop himself crying out in shock.
It was, of course, Castiel, looking somewhat odd without his coat, but otherwise unscathed.
"Hello Dean."
Dean let his eyes close briefly, and he needed a moment to recover from the sheer overwhelming feeling of how good it was to hear Castiel's voice again. Once he had opened his eyes again, he let out a breath of relief to see that that Castiel had not left. He glanced at the clock and raised his eyebrows.
"11:11. The 'wishing' time. Seriously?"
Castiel tilted his head in confusion and did that thing where it felt like he was looking into Dean's very soul.
"Of course. 11:11 is a time of great power, and has allowed me to come to you. My abilities are… below the necessary level to reach you, and I needed some help in making my way here."
Dean shook his head and for the first time in a long time, smiled. Castiel's brow furrowed.
"I see nothing amusing about this, Dean."
At this Dean almost burst out laughing and had to bite down on his hand to muffle himself. He did not want to wake Sam. He knew Sam would be happy to see Castiel as well, but… Dean wanted this to be his moment, for some reason. He wanted him and him alone to be the first one aware of Castiel's return.
Castiel remained silent until Dean composed himself.
"This is a dream though, right Cas? You're up in Heaven, and you came to me in my dreams. …Why the hell didn't you come when I prayed you son of a bitch? Why didn't you get your feathery ass down here sooner?" Dean shook his head again, his smile vanished as he looked up at Cas in anger. The happiness because Castiel was alive and well and here, that was spreading through him was overwhelming though, even if it was a dream, and he felt his annoyance ebb away.
Castiel sighed, and stared even more piercingly into Dean's eyes. "Very well, I will explain. Though I have a limited time here. No one but you should know about me, it would be… difficult. So I have to leave by the end of the hour, before 12am, while the first numbers are still 11. That way there is a little power left to aid my leave of you," He made his way over to Dean's bed and sat down at the edge of it, and Dean let out a small sound of joy at the feeling of Castiel's warm weight at his feet. "As to your first comment. No, I am not in Heaven, and this is not a dream."
Dean snorted and the sides of Castiel's mouth twitched in amusement. "Here," He reached over, and, ignoring Dean's slight recoil, placed a surprisingly warm hand atop Dean's own. "There. You see? I am quite real." Cas managed a very small smile of reassurance, and Dean simply gaped at him, before starting and closing his mouth.
"It could still be a dream, damnit Cas…"
Castiel clucked his tongue in irritation and squeezed Dean's hand. For a while, nothing happened. Then, Dean started to feel Castiel's hand get hot. Really hot. He looked down to see light shining through the gaps in their fingers. Then came the burning. On impuse, Dean ripped the trenchcoat from the bed and bit down on it hard to stop himself making any noise of pain. "Okay, okay, okay!" He hissed as he spat out the coat. "I believe you! Stop, Cas… ah, stop!" Castiel immediately withdrew his hand, and Dean looked down to see a faint mark similar to the one on his shoulder. "You bastard—"
Castiel raised his hands in a sign of forfeit. "I am sorry. I truly despise having any harm come to you. You just need to understand that this is not a dream and I am, in fact, very much alive." He let his hands fall to his sides and Dean reached a hand out, indicating that he wanted Castiel's hand back on his own. Just so he could be sure. Just so he could stop the angel going anywhere. Surprisingly, Castiel took the hint and inched his hand over so that their fingers were interlocked loosely. He then continued what he was saying, staring blankly at a point on the opposite wall.
"Also… I did not go to Heaven. The things I did… taking lives, assuming the role of God when it was not mine to take… I deserved to be… damned."
Dean let out an audible gasp and held on tighter to Castiel's hand and his trenchcoat instinctively. He of all people should know what it was like to go to Hell.
"Shit Cas, are you… okay?" He asked lamely.
"Yes Dean, I am quite alright," Castiel began, turning to look at Dean as his fingers twitched in response to Dean's actions. "Just as I raised you from Hell, I was also saved."
"But who—" Dean began but Cas cut him off.
"It was God, Dean. Who else would possibly grant me redemption and allow me to return to his legion of angels?" Dean rolled his eyes but Cas continued before he could make any kind of sarcastic comment. "He put up a wall, as Death did with Sam. So I have no memory of that place." Dean nodded, grateful that Sam still had not awoken and the tasks that he had performed today had him sleeping like the dead.
"I heard your prayers, Dean," Castiel said softly after a few moments of silence, looking down at his lap with a sorrowful expression. "All of them. I heard the pain in your words, I heard how much you missed me, I heard how much you said you needed me. And I'm sorry. Truly. It was torturous to listen to you sounding in so much anguish, and I wish I could have come to you then," It was now that Castiel looked up, only to find Dean staring at their hands, a slight pink tinge making its away across his cheeks and neck. "But for one, I did not have enough strength. And even if I travelled to you using a civilian way… I could not. You were… too preoccupied with present matters and I felt that it was too soon. I apologise."
Dean jerked his head in acknowledgement so that Castiel could go on.
"I believe God has brought me back here for a purpose. To aid you in the destruction of the Leviathan. He has granted me access back into Heaven, and I will do whatever I can to aid you. It's the least I can do to make it up to you, as I said before. I need your forgiveness too, Dean, as well as the Lord's. I can understand if it's too early for you to do so now, but I will do everything in my power to earn it. I… care for you deeply. You are the only human I… feel strongly for. I do not understand it, but… I embrace it. Because it feels like the light. Only more pleasant…" Castiel shook his head suddenly and coughed. "No, that is blasphemous, I repent. But it does… make me feel…"
For the first time in many minutes, the two looked at each other. Dean felt his chest swell up and his breathing sped up as it felt like something was squeezing on his heart and lungs. It was probably the happiest he had ever felt to see Cas there, to know that he was alright and it wasn't truly goodbye after all. Castiel moved slightly to the side to check the clock.
"It is 11:30. I have 29 minutes left with you. Is there anything else you wish to know?"
"How long until we can let the others know? Sam's missed you— Sam!" Dean leaned forward a little. "Can you help him? He's freaking out, seeing things. Of course he says he's fine, but he's seeing Lucifer."
Castiel's eyes widened and he nodded before twisting his mouth in thought. "I'd rather not attempt it," He said quietly then continued quickly as Dean opened his mouth to interject. "I may damage his mind further. I am not strong enough, yet. I need time to gather my powers again. But I promise you, that when I regain my full strength, I will help Sam as best I can."
"Okay. Thanks, Cas." Dean said with a smile. "So, anyway, I was about to say uh, how long til the others can know about you being alive?"
Castiel bowed his head in thought. "A while," He said finally, looking up again at Dean. "I came to you now only because I could not stand your pain. I could feel it. Your prayers, your pleading, you even prayed to God, didn't you? For me."
"Shut it Cas," Dean said gruffly, shuffling in embarrasment as Castiel let out a little snicker. "I was desperate. I missed you. I needed my angel. We all needed you."
Castiel's smile vanished as he gazed dumbfounded at Dean, his head tilted. "Your angel?"
"I mean, I uh, that was—" Dean stuttered as he wrenched his hand from Castiel's. "When you were. I mean you were, my, I mean, our angel… You used to be. But I guess you're God's now?"
"Dean…" Castiel said very softly, so quietly it was barely audible even in the silence. "I was always an angel of the Lord. I told you when we first met. Do you remember?"
"Yeah." Dean said flatly, trying to ignore the stabbing pains in his chest.
"That has not changed. I fled from the light of God thinking that it was the right path. He never told me what to do when I prayed, and I was getting so confused as to what to do and hence I tried to take over his role of ruling over mankind. I thought he was gone. I thought… I thought too much of myself. During that time, I was… a sinner. But now that God has forgiven me, has freed me from Hell… I am once again, an angel. An angel of God."
Dean jerked his head again before looking back round at the clock. He cursed under his breath and turned to look at Castiel who was giving him a questioning look. "Cas it's… it's 11:50. How long do you have left?"
"I see. 9 minutes precisely," Castiel stood up and Dean made a noise of protest. Castiel turned his head to look at Dean. "What is it? Is there more you would like to ask me?"
"No," Dean said as he shuffled to the right side of the bed and pushed down the sheets. "Come here. Please?" He patted the space next to him.
Castiel, though seemingly confused, nodded and made his way over to the bed, sitting in the space Dean had made for him.
"Closer. Lay down. Next to me. Here," Dean gently took a hold of Castiel's shoulders and pulled him down to nestle against his own chest. "Yeah… like this…" Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel tightly, and leaned down, the scent of the angel calming his senses and filling him with an immense feeling of satisfaction that Castiel was still alive. His Cas. His angel.
Well, his former angel. But that didn't matter to him right now. All that mattered was that he had not lost him.
Castiel was tense for a few moments, unsure as to what was going on and simply lying obediently in Dean's arms. But then, as his muscles started to relax, he felt something like a small explosion in his chest. His heart beat unnaturally fast and he felt a warmth spreading through him, so much more powerful than the light, which he could not deny, no matter how blasphemous it may be. This man, Dean Winchester, meant more to Castiel than anything.
His mind constantly repeated the words; forgive me, forgive me, Lord, please forgive me, I cannot help it, as he realised that 'anything' included God. Dean was more important than Him. More important than anything in the universe.
Tentitively, he turned himself so that he was facing Dean, and, wordlessly, brought a hand up to curl his fingers in the fabric of Dean's shirt. He heard Dean's breath hitch, and felt the arms around him tighten their grip even more so.
For a while they lay in this position, just breathing in each other's scents and relaxing in each other's company, Castiel occasionally checking the time to make sure it did not pass 11:59. When it came to 11:58, Castiel reluctantly shifted, and Dean released his grip slowly with a sigh of defeat. "You have to go real soon, right?"
"Yes," Castiel said sadly, standing up and turning to look at Dean. "But I will be back. When I have recovered my full strength, I will be back to make amends to the others and let them know that I am in perfect health."
"Right," Dean said, his voice cracking as he sat up straight. "Make sure you come back this time you asshole." He muttered half seriously, half jokingly.
Castiel smiled. "I shall. I give you my word I will return."
"Good, good… yeah. Oh, your coat." Dean reached behind him and held the coat out to Castiel, but the angel shook his head.
"Keep it, for now. Think of it as a reassurance that I will come back to you. And you look like you could use something as a pillow tonight, as Sam seems to have stolen yours."
Dean snickered, privately grateful that Castiel was lending him his coat for now, as it still smelled like him, despite the damp undertones from when Castiel had gone into the water, and folded the coat at the head of the bed.
The numbers on the clock now displayed 11:59 and Castiel ruffled, walking towards the foot of the bed.
"Goodbye, Dean."
"Yeah… seeya Cas…" Dean replied quietly, forcing a smile as Castiel took a deep breath.
"Before I depart, Dean, I just want you to know. What I said, about being God's angel…" Dean nodded, staring intensely into Castiel's blue eyes. "That was not… strictly true. And when you said that I was your angel, that was not… strictly false."
There was silence after that. They stared into each other's eyes, both of their chests panging unpleasantly as they prepared for what could be weeks of not seeing each other. It was only when the clock read 11:59:50 that Dean jerked to life and checked the time.
"Fuck! Cas, you better go!"
Castiel made a movement as if to say 'screw this, I'm staying with you', but instead gathered up his nerve, and nodded curtly at Dean.
Once Castiel had vanished, Dean slumped back into bed and rested his head on the coat, staring up at the ceiling and wishing that the hour that had just passed had lasted as long as an hour did when you didn't want it to.