How do you tell someone that you love them? I mean, do you really just... say it? It's such a huge step, and what if they don't feel the same way? Doesn't that create some major awkwardness in your relationship, like this great big pink elephant in the room? When you love someone, do you plan the whole thing out, some big elaborate way for you to tell them, or do you just say it one day, out of the blue, when it comes into your mind?
Well, in my case, not only do you just say it out of the blue, but apparently you say it when you are unconscious. Talk about romantic.
Kurt and I had been together for just a few short weeks, but I couldn't have been happier than if the Gap gave me a lifetime membership for free clothes. Everything about the transition from friendship to more-than-friends had been so ridiculously easy and natural. I don't know what I was so tentative about when we first met, dancing around my feelings and trying to ignore them. Kurt and I were the perfect couple.
We were getting ready to go on our first, big fancy date together - just the two if us. I know, I know, we've been together for WEEKS and we're just having our first official date now? In my defense, we've been so busy with school and midterms coming up and regionals around the corner that we just haven't a lot of TIME together to just be a couple. Sure we sneak in a casual rendezvous and quick make-out session now and again (which are so delicious I can't even begin to tell you...), but we hadn't really gone and done the thing properly.
Saturday night was the big day - and I was a nervous wreck. I was normally so comfortable around Kurt, but something about the formality of the evening made me afraid. I was worried about everything - where we were going, what I should wear, what I should say, how I should act... I just wanted everything to be perfect for us, like the rest of our relationship had been so far. I was so nervous the night before that I literally didn't sleep a wink. I woke up groggy and slightly terrified, a big knot forming in my stomach.
After trying on just about everything in my closet, I settled on my favorite go-to outfit that I knew Kurt would like. Grey trousers, a dark navy button-down, and a light blue sweater that perfectly matched Kurt's eyes. I decided to leave my hair slightly more unkept than usual, because I knew Kurt preferred it that way. Looking in the mirror, I was appropriately convinced that I looked pretty damn sharp.
I yawned widely as I walked out the door and tried to shake the exhaustion, both physical and mental. As I drove to Kurt's house, I opened the window to let the cold air try and wake me up a little more. It helped, I suppose. Mostly, though, I was so nervous that the somersaults in my stomach kept me awake for the time being.
As soon as I knocked on Kurt's door, he opened it almost instantly with a big smile on his face. My heart melted as soon as I saw him. I had seen Kurt look handsome plenty of times, but today he looked absolutely stunning. He was wearing a pair of very tight, black designer jeans, black boots that laced up his calf, a silvery grey V-neck, and a white belted trench-coat that hung to his mid-thigh.
After staring at him with my jaw on the ground for a while, I finally opened my dumb mouth to respond with: "Wuhh.. You look.. Wow.. Amazing." He smiled at me and said something about looking handsome myself, but the words came out all fuzzy in my ears.
Why was I so nervous? This was Kurt, my perfect boyfriend that I had been having such a wonderful time with the past few weeks. We had already had our first kiss (Best. Kisser. Ever.) and our first fight (note to self: never insult Kurt's outfit), so what was there to be afraid of at this point in our relationship?
I tried to maintain a cool and collected demeanor as I grabbed his hand gently and led him outside. I walked around to my side of the car, panicking as I realized that I should have opened the passenger door for him. Being the suave guy that I am, I did this awkward shuffle over to his side, grabbing the handle quickly. I pulled on the handle three or four times unsuccessfully, the door refusing to open, before I realized that unlocking the door would be a good start. I looked at him sheepishly as I dug into my pockets to hit the unlock button.
"Uhh.. Thanks," he mumbled sweetly, clearly noticing the dopiness of my attempt at a romantic gesture.
We had decided to start the date off with a french film Kurt had been dying to see that was playing at the local art theater. Kurt loved foreign films, and I certainly didn't mind an evening sitting with him in a dark room. We sat in the back and snuggled up together as the lights dimmed. I rested my head on his shoulder and held his hand, my thumb tracing circles inside his palm. He smelled so amazing, a mixture of Irish soap and the subtle hint of a citrusy cologne. My nerves began to settle as the movie started, for I realized that I had nothing to be afraid of with Kurt. We fit together like two perfect puzzle pieces. "I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece. I'm complete." Ironic that those were the lyrics that I had sang to Kurt on the first day that we met.
As a French woman began kissing a man on the screen, I tried to pay attention to what was going on in the plot, but I kept getting distracted by the boy sitting next to me. The way he smelled, the way his eyes shone in the dark as he watched the film, the way his hands were so soft, the way they felt against my own. This moment was so perfect, I just wanted to drink it in and experience it over and over again. I looked up at him and he looked back at me, a small smile creeping across his beautiful face. At this point I had no idea what was going on in the movie, so I nuzzled my head closer into his shoulder and closed my eyes for a moment, exhaustion taking over once again. Now that my nerves had calmed down, my tiredness had returned, and I realized how truly exhausted I was. I sighed and shut my eyes one more time, listening to the melodious sound of the French language...
"Blaine..Blaine.. The movie's over, time to go," Kurt spoke to me softly, my head still resting on his shoulder.
My eyes bolted open, and I looked around the now-bright theater in confusion. We were still sitting in the back of the theater, now empty, the credits rolling across the screen. I lifted my head off of his shoulder and looked up at him, bleary-eyed. As I moved off of him, I noticed in utter horror that there was a small spot of drool on Kurt's shoulder from where my mouth must have been. I wanted to sink down into my chair and die, but thankfully Kurt didn't seem to notice the spot. Still, he was looking at me strangely, with an expression that I couldn't understand at all. It was like a combination of confusion, happiness, and embarrassment all rolled into one. I wasn't sure what that face meant, but I forgot about it temporarily as the truth dawned on me.
Well, I had fallen asleep on our date. And drooled on my new boyfriend's shoulder. What a great start.
"So sorry, Kurt. I didn't get any sleep last night and your shoulder was so comfortable and I was so relaxed and you smelled so good and the movie was so soothing..." I trailed on, trying to explain myself. Kurt chuckled slightly and rested his arm on my shoulder.
"I'm just glad it wasn't because the date was so boring..." Kurt spoke half-teasingly.
We walked out of the theater and down the street to the little Italian restaurant I had picked out for dinner. It was small, intimate, and romantic, with beautiful little twinkle lights adorning a secluded patio.
As soon as we got our table Kurt blushed in excitement and assured me how amazing my choice of restaurant was. I smiled knowing that I had done something right so far. As Kurt began to talk about how much he loved the film, I looked at him across the table, the lights casting beautiful shadows across his ivory skin.
"God, you're beautiful," I spoke before I realized it, my lips blurting out whatever was on my mind before I could censor myself. I had a habit of doing that.
He just smiled at me and reached for my hand, moving it up to his face and placing a soft kiss into my palm. I shivered as the sensation traveled up my arm and into my heart.
"I should really be more careful with what I say around you. You unhinge me so much that I just blurt out whatever is on my mind before I know what's happening," I spoke jokingly.
His expression changed dramatically as I said this, and I knew that I was missing something.
He had that same look from the theater, that mixture of confusion, happiness, and this time a slight edge of sheepishness, like he was embarrassed about something.
"What's wrong?" I asked in a worried tone.
Now he really looked sheepish.
"Come on, what's going on?" I said again, this time more desperate sounding.
His face blushed profusely as he quietly spoke, "Well, did you know that you talk in your sleep, Blaine?"
Oh. Shit.
What you've gotta know about me is that I talk in my sleep sometimes. And say really embarrassing things. Really embarrassing revealing things.
"Oh no... what did I say? I bet it was something totally awful..." I spoke as I buried my face into my hands, trying to hide my humiliation.
"Well, it wasn't exactly anything awful, Blaine. You uhh..." he paused, seeming to deliberate in his mind about whether or not he should tell me the truth, and continued, "You told me that you loved me. Or more specifically, you said 'I so love you, my Kurtsie.'" As he finished, his face turned bright crimson again.
Fuck.
A million things were going through my mind and I didn't know where to begin. I had told Kurt that I loved him (and called him Kurtsie? What?). We had only been dating for a few weeks, and I had no idea if he was weirded out or not. Much more importantly, though, I had said I LOVE YOU, while I was unconscious! Did I mean it, or was my temporary exhaustion-induced coma doing strange things to my brain?
I looked up into his beautiful blue eyes and saw the answer staring me in the face. Oh. Of course I was in love with Kurt. I was desperately, completely, and madly in love with him. That's why everything about our relationship had felt so right and so easy. I loved him. And I had just told him... In my fucking sleep.
I didn't know what to say or how to move on from here. Should I say it again, this time awake, to reaffirm my feelings? Should I laugh and say how strange and pretend like it was nothing serious? Should I run out of the restaurant screaming?
"I..uhh..wow.. That's embarrassing. I don't really know what to say," was all I could muster in my humiliation.
"Did you mean it?" the question escaped his lips quietly, the one question I was terrified to answer.
I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes, terrified that I would scare him off by moving too fast. I didn't want to ruin anything about our relationship because I was so damn smitten with him. At the same time, a huge bolt of lightning hit me square in the chest as I looked into his eyes, and I knew that I had to come clean. I wanted him to know how I felt, needed him to know. He needed to know how perfect he was and how loved he was, even if the timing was off. Hell, clearly my subconscious was ready to tell him before I even knew about it.
"Well... My whole life I've had this annoying habit of talking in my sleep. Instead of being the lucky kind of person who babbles randomly in their sleep, I tend to spill my secrets instead. This time, I spilled my feelings for you. You're amazing. This is amazing. We are amazing, and I am so madly in love with you that I can't pretend not to be. I'm sorry if I'm moving too fast, and I wouldn't ever want to scare you off, but you're looking at me so sweetly and tenderly and I just can't pretend that I don't love every single inch of you." I said it all in kind of a rush, not daring to look at him as I spoke, afraid to see his reaction.
Kurt moved his hands from mine and placed them gently around my face. He pulled me in for a mind-meltingly tender kiss, causing my brain to completely shut off.
As he pulled away, he smiled at me and whispered into my ear.
"I should watch you sleep more often. Apparently when you fall asleep you say everything that I'm dying to hear from you. I love you too, Blaine. So, so much."
My heart burst as I heard him speak these words, and I covered him with soft kisses in response.
Slowly, he leaned in to whisper something in my ear.
"By the way, don't think I didn't notice you drooling on my shoulder. This is a designer jacket, after all."