Lilies Are For The Dead

I heard them talking about me today. I didn't know that they talk about me, that I am so unusual that I keep their minds that busy.

"That's your little sister, Kari?" they said in a surprised tone, holding their hands in front of their mouth to express their surprise. "You mean that shy little girl? The one that looks so serious. She sure seems to be too serious for a child her age, doesn't she?" They laughed at that – Kari, too. The more serious I am, the more silly they think they have to act, I guess. It doesn't hurt me, really. "What's her name?" - "Lilly? That sure is a very beautiful name!" I could have told them that I didn't like my name, that I wanted to be called anything but that. "She's so serious..." "And shy. Her voice is barely above a whisper." "If she talks at all..." I could have told them that I just didn't like talking to them, but what good would that bring? "She doesn't look like you, Kari." "Yeah. You're so different..." They laughed at that again, and I know why. I could have told them that I didn't want to be anything like Kari, that she was not as lovely as people think she is. I could have told them even though it would have been pointless, since they wouldn't have believed me. At least, I think Kari told them that we're not really sisters.

Ken sometimes calls me "Tiger Lilly". That's the only time I actually like my name. It makes me feel special when he calls me that, I feel as if I belong to them. When I talk to Ken, I talk loudly, and much... I'm not shy then, I'm his wild little Tiger Lilly who laughs a lot.

The name on my school file says "Lilly Yagami", but Lilly Yagami isn't me. Lilly Yagami doesn't exist, but if she did, she would probably be a copy of Kari – Tai's second favourite sister, Mother's uncomlicated best friend, Father's altruistic, innocent baby girl.

I call them Mother and Father, but I've always known that they're not my real parents. When Kari was very sick, they decided they wanted another child, another little girl. Can you imagine that? They wanted a replacement for a child! (They would never admit it, but I know them.) I was fostered and adopted after Kari got well again, I don't know why they stuck to their idea of needing another little girl. They welcomed me in the family and treated me as if I'd always belonged to them – they didn't understand that I needed my time to get used to them, that I couldn't understand what was going on. It was Mother and Kari together who decided that my name should be Lilly. I know that I had another name once – that I had another name given to me at my birth. However, it didn't count for them. I was little Lilly, Kari's favourite doll. They pretend they still want me, they love me, but I know the truth when I look into their eyes: I'm not a real person for them. I'm little Lilly.

Tai's the only one who is sincere towards me, I'm a real person for him: a real person he can hate. I've found out that he thinks it was his fault when Kari nearly died. For him, I'm a threat to Kari, a replacement that wouldn't have been necessary if he hadn't caused Kari's breakdown. It's his fault, but he's not the person who hates himself, he rather turns his hatred towards me. I'm not his precious little sister, I'm just a disturbtion. He deeply cares about Kari, he watches her closely and looks out for her, he wants to protect her. I can see his love and care for her in his eyes. Whenever she coughs, whenever she seems to be depressed, he's at her side, talking to her, comforting her, doing whatever she asks of him in her sweet voice. Never would he do that for me, but I'm okay with it. I'm used to it.

There's not much love in my life, but I'm okay with that, too. I've always had my stories, my pictures, my numbers and math... I found love and joy in so many things. I'm eleven now, nearly twelve, and they say that I'm a genius. A prodigy. Maybe that's the reason I feel so attached to Ken, he knows what it feels like to be special. In fact, he's the only one who acknowledges that I'm indeed special, and I like that.

Mother and Father stubbornly ignore the fact that I might be so intelligent. They say it's not good for a child to be ahead of other children. They say that would take away my childhood, but what they don't see is that they already ripped my childhood off me when they made me a member of their hypocritical family. Tai even hates me for being smart, he says I'm just a little know-it-all, and that I "suck". Kari thinks I'm still just her sweet little sister, the one she could dress up when she was bored. Everything I say, everything I do, they ignore. It's as if I'm living in another world, where I can see them and talk to them, but they can't see me, they can't hear me. When I was little, I did everything to make them proud of me, I was always good, I never cried, even when I was hurt. I thought that some day, I would find a way to make them love me for who I was, but now I know they never will.

The only one who really loves me for who I am is Eveemon, my digimon. I'm her partner, her sould mate, her best friend in the whole wide world, and she's mine. I met her when I was six – when Tai and the others met theirs digimon partners. That moment, I didn't fully understand that my life would change forever, but as time passed by, Eveemon and I grew closer, and today, we're inseperable. She's not a very strong digimon, she says, but I know she would do anything for me – and I would do the same and more for her. When Kari joined us, Eveemon understood that for Tai, I was just a shadow of that girl – that I was just a shadow for all of them. She saw it and understood that I actually felt like a little shadow.

"Your name, does it have a meaning?" she once asked.

"A lilly is a flower", I answered, "they put lillies on dead people's graves." Lillies are for the dead, and I felt dead. I died when I was made Kari's little sister. They dragged me into the shadows and murdered me there, they watched me as I died slowly. Lilly – what a fateful name. A name for a dead person, it became! How suitable.

Eveemon is the one I share everything with: the stories I write, the pictures I draw. And she is happy when I do that. She smiles for me when I can't smile, and she cries the tears I can't cry anymore. She watches over me when I am scared at night.

I've learned to be alone, I learned to be dead. And at first, I didn't understand how I came to deserve a digimon – esepcially one like Eveemon. Now, I know that everyone deserves such a friend, I'm confident enough to know that it was not right what Mother, Father, Tai and Kari did to me. I know it, but I keep silent.

They still think I'm their little Lilly, the dead flower. I sometimes wished I was really dead, maybe then, they would mourn for me, they would feel sorry and love me. Maybe if I was dead, they would see what I meant to them – that I did mean something to them – and that I was more than they gave me credit for.

And sometimes, I can't help but wish that I was never born.