The Road Behind Me

Prologue

Your lawyer had started to put his papers away when the Judge opened his mouth.

"This has to be the messiest case I have ever presided over in my career. But now I assume we have a verdict?"

The judge looked over to the jury and one of them nodded his head and stood up, looking all self-important an' shit. You looked so wrong sitting there in an orange jumpsuit. You didn't look like you used to; something was missing. No not missing… dying. The whole courtroom hated you, but you just sat there, calm as water, while they read the verdict. While they signed your life away.

"On the charge of assisting in an armed robbery, how do you find?"

"We find the defendant guilty."

"On the 3 counts of murder in the second degree, how do you find?"

"Not guilty."

"On the assault and battery charge, how do you find?"

"Guilty"

The judge raised an eyebrow.

"And on the final charge of rape, how does the jury find the defendant?"

The entire courtroom fell into complete silence. I crossed my fingers, hoping for a pattern.

"Guilty your Honor."

The room erupted into whispers and I wished they would all shut the fuck up. This wasn't fair; I know you didn't do any of what they said you did. The Judge banged his gravel, calling the room to order.

"Was this verdict reached unanimously and without interference?"

"Yes your Honor."

I closed my eyes

The Judge sighed, so relieved that I wanted to knock his teeth out, and turned his attention back to the court. As he looked down at you from over his glasses, he spoke with obvious disgust. Like just addressing you hurt him somehow.

"Your past alone should have been enough to put you in jail forever, you lucked out however, with the lack of evidence. Regardless of how your brother tried to convince this court otherwise and plead your innocence, you have destroyed a young woman's life and show no remorse what so ever. You have shown this court nothing but a deep distain that bordered on disrespect. If it was up to me, you would find yourself in jail for the rest of your useless life, the death sentence would not be satisfying enough. Regrettably, it is not and for that, you should be thankful. I, however, still have the pleasure of sentencing you as fully as is allowed by law. Is there anything you wish to say before I put you away forever?"

Just like everyone else in the room, I turned my attention to you. I guess I was hoping to see you pull off one of those last minute wins you were always so good for.

You sat there looking like a grown man. No just a boy, cause no matter how much this case had aged you, you could not be seen as anything else.

But when you looked up, I realized how much I was scared and that you where gone.

Your face was blank; there was no defiance, no hope, not a fucking thing. You locked eyes with the judge and the sheer emptiness of them made the man flinch.

Everything about you that had once screamed out at the world in rebellion, everything that made you who you were, had been sucked dry; leaving behind a broken shell that left you all exposed.

You suddenly stood up; raising your shackled form from the bench and the sound disturbed the silence of the room, unsettling everyone and sending a cold chill through the room. You shook your head and began moving towards the guard that had escorted you into the room. Tensing up, the other guards reached for their weapons and you stopped.

Even though you had obviously given up, you could not be anyone else but you. Standing there, you looked like the killer I knew you were not. Standing there you looked like the person you were before all this shit. You stayed like that for a while and in that moment I thought you were back. But, without turning around, you spoke and your voice was as cold and as quiet as a graveyard.

"No matter what I may say, nothing will change. You will find fault with me regardless. Just finish this so I can leave."

I almost cried. I wanted to; instead I balled up my fists and sat there.

"Gladly. Although I don't know how you got away with murder, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to 45 years in jail. Unfortunately, you have the chance for a repeal case. I hope I can be the one presiding over it, so that I may put you back where you belong. Bailiff take him away, case dismissed."

Suddenly I sat up in my bed, my breath coming out in short and painful spurts. I looked to the other side of the room, but he wasn't there

I knew he wouldn't be, 'cause I do this shit every night. He was never going to be there ever again because that wasn't just a bad dream.

I get up, walk over to your bed, and sit down. I put my head in my hands and sob, letting the memories of that day wash over me.

It never ends, because I can never let it go. When the bailiff came to get him I jumped over the partition and ran over to him. When I got close enough I grabbed hold of him and held on for everything I was worth. His hands were cuffed so he couldn't hold me, but he took hold of my shirt.

Suddenly there were hands pulling me away from him and I struggled, I know I did, but they were still pulling us further apart. With one tug, he pulled me back to him and gave everyone a look that made them back off.

I could barely see him through the tears, but he looked so calm. Never in my entire life had I seen him so at peace with the world. He was taller than me that was never going to change, so he had to lean down a bit to speak to me. Even though everyone could hear what he was saying, the way he looked at me made me feel like we were by ourselves. I was so wrapped up in the sound of his voice that I almost missed what he was saying.

"- is like. He's not going to let you contact me in anyway, so I'm going to say my goodbyes now. Don't do anything stupid. At least not more than what comes natural to you. I want you to go home and forget about me. And don't even think about holding a grudge against anyone, or I'll break out and kick your ass my damned self. Do something with your life, aiight?"

He leaned closer and kissed my forehead.

"And please stay safe."

He pushed me away and turned to the bailiff.

"Are you just going to stand there? Or are you going to do your job?"

I never did understand how important he was to me until he was gone, because as I watched them lead him way, something in me broke. Then I turned around and walked out of the courtroom, pushing anyone dumb enough to still be in my way to the side.

They found me hours later in the park, sitting on the swings. All I remember is the police taking me home. Everything after that is a haze, four months of my life I can't remember. It took everyone even less time than that to get over it. They acted as if nothing had changed, as if someone wasn't missing.

Every week I wrote him a letter. I even mailed them. I still do, even though I know he's never going to get them. It made me feel better, pretending I was talking to him. I put everything into those letters.

Like how three months after they sent him away, they found the real killer. He was some dumb Nigga who was also a part of the robbery. He snitched real fucking quick and we found out that he robbed the bank with some of his friends, fellow gang members. One less charge on his plate.

I told him about how that bitch would come over almost every day and try to talk to me. How she was pregnant. (I was the last to know, 'cause I couldn't give a half a shit) How everyone was being so sympathetic and how much I hated her and that kid.

The icing on that cake didn't come 'til months later, when that lying ass hoe had the kid and it didn't look a damn thing like him. We found out it was some other Nigga's kid. I had never been so fucking happy, cause without the rape charge the assault charges went out the window. Her parents tried to apologize but I didn't pay those Niggas no fucking mind.

They had to fuck up my high though. I found out that even with good behavior he wouldn't be able to get the charges repealed for another three years… Three fucking years.

I went to try anyway, only to find out he had already signed himself up for some program and had been sent to another prison too far out of the jurisdiction of this state for me to get him out. All that hope, only to find out that he wasn't coming home…

I can't take any more, so I curl up on his bed and cling to his pillow. Turning myself to face the window, I let the sobs rack my body, letting all the pain blind me. Sometimes I can pretend he's away at college, but others…

His three years are up, but I can't find him.

I can't hear his voice.

I can't do anything.

I look out the window and pray. I've been doing that a lot lately.

Please God let him be ok. I swear I'll do anything, just please, please bring him home.

I clutch the pillow tighter, and whisper, because God didn't seem to be listening. I whisper to the empty room, I whisper to the wind, I whisper because I can't speak any louder, not any more. I whisper the same thing I have for the past two years.

"Huey, please come home."

Half way across the world, a shiver runs down a man's spine. A shiver so strong that he has to stop inspecting his gun and look around. After a moment he goes back to his task.

"Probably just the wind."