Irredeemable
They say she was a great support system to Blair while Blair was dealing with bulimia; she was always a shoulder to lean and never judged her.
But they don't know about the meals in middle school that she didn't eat because she was afraid her stomach would swell. How she stared in the mirror and promised herself she would always be the skinny, beautiful girl everybody loved. If she gained weight, nobody would love her anymore. They weren't there when she told Blair, after she caught her purging yet again, "I don't know why you just can't stop. I never had any problems with my body." It took her a week to apologize, but she never admitted anything.
They say she couldn't have saved Pete from being an addict; it was his own responsibility and his own bad decisions.
But they don't know about all the late nights and early mornings in bars, nightclubs, and hotel rooms. The nights when Pete turned down the lines of coke Georgina cut for them and she joined Georgie in taunting him to do it anyway. They never heard when she said, "Come on, Pete! When did you get so boring? Don't stop the fun!" Or the early mornings when Pete would keep on going and she would keep on encouraging him or keep quiet. Not once did she tell him to slow down. She wasn't slowing down, so why should he?
They say the sex tape gone wrong was mostly Pete's fault; if he had just stopped, then Serena wouldn't have had to find a distraction and the rest wouldn't have happened.
But they don't know about all the times Serena didn't stop. The times Pete said he was too tired or just not in the mood. She would whisper into his ear and nibble his earlobe, hitching up her dress a few more inches until he agreed to take her home. They don't know about all the times she did that with guys who weren't Pete.
They say she's an amazing sister; Eric looks up to her and Chuck admires her.
But they don't know that she hasn't talked to Eric in months. The afternoons he called and she didn't pick up because she would rather have sex with Dan. The times when he tried to talk to her about his problems and she thought about invitations to one of her parties while pretending to listen. How she sometimes almost dials Eric's number, but changes her mind and puts the phone down. They don't know that she doesn't really think of Chuck anymore. It hurts too much to see how he is still everything she never wanted to be.
They say she'll make a great wife to Dan Humphrey; everybody wanted the fairy-tale of the poor boy from Brooklyn falling in love with the Upper East Side golden girl to come true.
But they don't know that three hours after Dan proposed and she said yes, she went down in the middle of the night to see Nate. How her mind was filled with thoughts of kindness and manipulation, of blue eyes and brown eyes, of The Spectator and Gossip Girl, and of "You're the most beautiful, amazing, alive person I've ever known" and "You're every bit as shallow and sad as the character in my book". She waited outside his apartment for fifteen minutes before remembering she wasn't sixteen anymore and she was supposed to have left this behind. She left with her head held high, something breaking inside her.
If they knew, they would call her irredeemable. So would Dan.
But what kills her is that Nate wouldn't. His look of love might be mixed with anger temporarily, but that look of love would never be replaced with pity. He would never let go of her hands as she told him her most horrible secrets. He would stand by her through it all.
Nate is the only one who has ever loved Serena for Serena. Everything about her, Nate loves. She thinks she's probably always known this.
Eventually she can't be around him anymore, because his love reminds her of everything she desperately tries to get rid of. He deserved so much more than her (for so many reasons). The thing is, he would never want more. And that scared her. She didn't even like herself, so how could Nate love her?
Dan thought Serena wanted a powerful man to prove he wasn't afraid of her. He thought she wanted more diamonds. He thought she wanted to be a socialite just like her mother. He thought she wanted to get married in a penthouse.
Serena van der Woodsen doesn't want any of those things. But Serena Humphrey will.
She never wanted Gossip Girl; she only wanted Dan. Now she doesn't want either. But Serena Humphrey will.
Serena will never be good enough for Dan, because nobody will ever be good enough for Dan. The things he sees in her don't exist and the things he wants her to be are not who she really is.
But Serena still marries Dan because Dan loves somebody worth loving (even though it isn't her) and Nate loves somebody irredeemable (no matter how hard she tried to change).
As she smiles and says I do, she says goodbye to garden weddings and Pete and editorial careers and "I love you"s in between laughter and Nate and his honest blue eyes and the flawed Serena who loved him back.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Author's Note: Not much to say about this. My feelings are summed up in the story.