Hello everyone! This is just a little something I had to get out of my head before I was able to tackle the next chapter of The Bunny Ranch.
~Bella~
Jacob's lips are still before mine are. I open my eyes and he's staring at me with wonder and
elation.
"I have to leave," he whispers.
"No."
He smiles, pleased by my response. "I won't be long," he promises. "But one thing first . . ."
He bends to kiss me again, and there is no reason to resist. What would be the point?
This time is different. His hands are soft on my face and his warm lips are gentle, unexpectedly
hesitant. It's brief, and very, very sweet.
His arms curl around me, and he hugs me securely while he whispers in my ear.
"That Should have been our first kiss. Better late than never."
Against his chest, where he can't see, the tears well up and spill over.
I walk back to the tent with my head and my heart hanging the lowest they've ever been. It's going to be so hard to explain what happened to Edward, but I have to. It was the only way to save Jacob's life. Edward will understand. He has to.
When I make my way inside the tent I find Edward sitting on the ground with his elbows resting on his propped knees and his head cradled in his hands. He looks upset, defeated, which completely catches me off guard because Edward is never this affected by the sometimes questionable decisions I make.
I'm even more taken aback when, without looking up, he holds up his hand to ward me off as I crawl over to him.
"Edward?"
After what feels like a lifetime, he finally looks up at me with the most hauntingly heartbroken eyes.
"Edward, let me explain." I'm frantic in my pleading because he just looks so closed off; not like my Edward at all. I've never seen him like this before. My infallible, unbreakable vampire.
He extracts his arm from my grip, still gentle with me despite his obvious pain and turmoil. "There's nothing to explain. I understand and will respect your choice."
I gasp when he taps his temple.
Humiliation, regret and panic course through me like wildfire at the realization. He would have been privy every dirty detail; every moan, every sigh, the way I shamelessly pressed myself against his mortal enemy while silently rejoicing at the validation that finally someone found me irresistibly desirable.
"No. It's not what it looks like! I can explain!" I'm absolutely desperate at this point. No, I can't deny the fact that I thoroughly enjoyed the physical evidence of my desirability, but I can and will argue that my reasons for giving into temptation were honorable. At least that's what I keep telling myself.
"There's no need. I saw it all. From his threats to kill himself to the way you pulled him closer. I don't need a recap." I reel back as though I've been slapped. Edward has never talked to me this way before and it's more than a little unsettling.
"But I love you!" I don't know what else to say.
He looks at me with those sad, broken eyes. "It's starting. I'd appreciate if you stay inside. I don't need any more distractions right now. It's the least that you can do, considering."
I nod woodenly, stung by his cold demeanor but determined to do as he asks. I've got to make him see. I only did what I had to do!
There is so much commotion outside the tent and I'm worried sick about it. Just a peek wouldn't hurt anything, right?
I make my way to the entrance of the tent only to chicken out in the end. It's the least that you can do.
Again I'm struck by his curt tone. God, what have I done?
There's not much time to contemplate the question, however, because Edward appears moments later. "It's over, let's go."
His demeanor is no different than it was earlier and when I reach for his hand he smoothly moves away.
This is going to be far worse than I thought.
We walk slowly until we are nearly at the clearing. Edward stops and turns to me looking even more broken, if that's possible. "Jacob was hurt, but he's alive. They're loading him up into one of the vehicles to take him home so that Carlisle can attend to his injuries. You'd better hurry."
The last sentence is but a whisper, but I hear it loud and clear. With those words he leads us the few yards into the clearing.
The first person we see is Alice and she looks as heartbroken as Edward. "How could you?" Her eyes plead for an explanation but my mind is so jumbled up at this point I don't know what to say.
She sends me a scathing look at my non answer before darting off into the woods with Jasper.
Jacob let's out a scream from the other end of the clearing and I'm torn. I want to go and comfort my best friend, but I somehow know that if I do it'll make a statement that I'm not prepared to make. So as difficult as it is, I stay rooted in my spot.
"Don't you want to go check on your boyfriend?" Even Emmett is icy with me.
I shake my head no even though I desperately want to. A fresh wave of guilt washes over me at the mere thought.
Everyone hates me now. But I guess I deserve it.
Finally Esme makes her way over to us and she and Edward have a short conversation that I can't decipher.
With one last look at me, he darts off into the trees. I'll never forget the pain in his eyes. One so beautiful should never hurt this much. Oh, Edward, what have I done to you?
"Come on Bella, I'll get you home." She's not quite as mean as the others but she's not particularly nice either. I'm starting to realize that I really, really messed up. But can't they see that I was just trying to do the right thing, though? Do I not deserve the benefit of the doubt? Jacob's life was at stake!
She carries me until we get close to the road where Edward's Volvo is waiting. I get a glimpse of hope when I see it, but that hope quickly dissipates when I realize that he's not inside of it.
He's not waiting for me.
Disappointment as well as the rest of the emotions I'm holding back rush to the surface and pour out of my body. I cry for Edward, I cry for Jacob and I cry for myself. Thankfully, Esme doesn't say a word, she just sits quietly and lets me cry.
It isn't until I have myself under control that she starts driving.
"I love him, Esme."
She glances my direction, her expression neutral, "Which one?"
"Okay, I deserved that, but you have to know that I'm talking about Edward." I don't say anything more and neither does she. Her silence is incredibly unnerving.
When we pull up in front of my house, Esme waits patiently until I'm safely inside my house before driving away.
I head straight up to my room and lay on my bed, thinking about the entire situation over and over for the next hour.
By the end of the hour I'm even more riled up than before. Yes, I made a mistake. A huge mistake. But Edward has made mistakes too.
His fault
With new resolve, I head downstairs more determined than ever to head over to the Cullen's to plead my case. I will make him acknowledge his part in this mess if it's the last thing I do. I certainly plan to give him a piece of my mind.
"Where do you think you're headed?" My father's voice stops me right in my tracks as I reach for the front door.
"I was going to do my homework but then I realized that I left my backpack in Alice's room. I need it."
He looks unconvinced but doesn't stop me for which I'm grateful. An argument with my father is the last thing that I need right now. Always one to turn a blind eye, he heads into the living room to settle in for whatever game is on. That simple act annoys me more than it should tonight.
The ride to the Cullen's seems to take an eternity but finally I approach the turnoff to their long, winding driveway. My earlier steam has faded a bit and I'm left unsettled and unsure if my self righteousness is justified or not.
Regardless, I know that if we are to work through this mess I'm going to have to be the one to initiate the conversation. I don't even know what I plan to say, I just need to see him. I need to convince him that he's the one I want because at the end of the day, it'll hurt me to let Jacob go but I would survive it. I won't survive, however, without Edward.
If I'm forced to make a choice it'll be him. I need him to understand that.
I park my truck and take a few deep breaths, gathering my courage before going to the door.
Carlisle opens the door before I even get a chance to knock. What surprises me, however, is that he comes out onto the porch rather than showing me inside.
A nagging feeling in my gut tells me that something is seriously wrong here.
"Carlisle?"
His golden eyes scrutinize me before he answers. "Bella, I know that you mean well, but I think it's best if you go. Jacob is waiting for you and Edward isn't really in a good place right now."
"But I need to talk to him. I need to make him understand why I did it! Please, Carlisle. I love him." My voice is little more than a whisper, but I know that he hears me loud and clear.
"I believe that you think that you love him, but I don't see how you could willing be intimate with another if that love is true. Bella, vampires aren't unfaithful. When we fall in love, it's permanent. You've betrayed him in the worst possible way, that's not something he can just get over.
I understand that you're human, Bella, and that very nature doesn't allow you to bond to Edward the same way he's bonded to you. But that doesn't change the gravity of the situation. This is not an incident that can be taken lightly or overlooked."
"But it was a mistake. I was just trying to save Jacob's life." My excuse sounds flimsy even to my own ears. While I cling to the truth of that statement, even I know that there is no justifying my actions.
"And you succeeded. But Bella, every choice we make has consequences."
He's not unkind but he's certainly not very welcoming either. He turns to open the front door but pauses. "Go home, Bella. You have a lot to think about before any kind of conversation can be productive."
With his parting words, I'm left alone with nothing but my guilt.
I shuffle back to my truck unable to stop the tears from falling. How did I single handedly ruin everything in my life. Where did everything go so terribly wrong?
I start the long drive home in a sea of self pity, but when I reach the turnoff, I make a split decision and head toward La Push instead.
Parking in front of the Black's small home, I wipe my tears and head inside. As much as I hate to admit it, Carlisle is right and it's time to start taking accountability for my actions.
"Bella!" Billy greets me with a warm smile, so different from the way the Cullens have treated me tonight. Not that I blame them. "He's back in his room. He's been asking for you." There's a glint in his eye that makes my stomach roll.
"Thanks, Billy."
I head back down the narrow hallway and stand in the doorway of Jacob's small bedroom. Embry and Quil are inside which makes the space almost suffocating. Quil bumps Jacob's leg and gives him a knowing smile while Jacob gloats, "I told you she'd come." There's a cocky smirk on his face as he turns to greet me.
"Hey, baby."
I grimace at his greeting. This is going to be much harder than I thought. Carlisle's words come back to haunt me. Here's yet another consequence to my actions.
"Hi, Jake."
Quill and Embry leave us alone and I'm partially relieved but not completely. It would be so much easier to avoid the situation like I always do and pretend like nothing happened. I know that's impossible though when I look over at Jacob.
He's looking at me with so much pride and love that it physically hurts.
"Don't cry, baby. I'm okay. I'll be fine." He holds his arms out to me but as much as I want his familiar warmth and comfort, I know that it's time to start cleaning up the mess I've made of things.
"Jake…"
He finally takes in my expression and recognizes it for what it is.
"So that's how it is, huh Bella? Kick a man while he's down? I should've expected as much."
He turns his head away from me, darkness maring his normally sweet, boyish features. For the first time I'm able to clearly see how easily he's manipulated me and I feel like a fool. All this time he's been playing me like a puppet, using my insecurities against me and I've let him. I've continuously hurt the man I love to play games with this child in front of me.
I didn't think it was possible, but I've hit a new level of disgust with myself.
"No. You listen to me, Jacob Black. You manipulated me. You knew he was listening and you manipulated me just to hurt him."
"It worked, didn't it? I finally got you to admit that you're in love with me, too."
I shake my head. "No, Jacob. You may have tricked a reaction out of my hormones but not from my heart. I love Edward. I love him with all of my heart."
"That's kind of hard to believe when just earlier today you had your tongue shoved down my throat while grinding all over me."
My face flames in mortification because he's one hundred percent correct. I absolutely did those things. But that was then and this is now, and with the rose colored glasses finally lifted, I'm seeing the selfish, manipulative and hateful person that Jacob has turned into. Or has he always been this way? Was Edward right the entire time?
"I'm sorry that I lead you on. I'm sorry that I used you for comfort when I needed it most, but most of all I'm sorry that I didn't have enough confidence in my relationship to make it clear to you that there would never be anything beyond friendship for us.
"The lines are too blurred now, and if I have any chance of reconciling with Edward, I have to let you go completely. I'm sorry, Jacob, but I'm finally taking responsibility for my actions."
"So the bloodsucker dumped you again?" There's a taunting gleam in his eye. A gleam that I've seen hundreds of times, if we're being honest. One that I just chose to overlook. He's certainly not making this easy, but I'm determined to press on.
"Thank you for all that you did for me. I will be forever grateful that you held me up when I didn't have the strength to do it for myself, but we can't go on this way. It's disrespectful to you, it's disrespectful to Edward and it's disrespectful to me. I wish nothing but happiness for you. If anyone in the world deserves it it's you. But that happiness isn't me, Jake. We only hurt each other and that's not healthy. Please take care of yourself."
With those parting words, I unclasp the bracelet from my wrist, detach the diamond that Edward gave to me and lay the bracelet along with the wolf charm on Jacob's bedside table.
"Goodbye, Jacob."
He doesn't say anything, but anguish distorts his handsome face. It kills me to hurt him, but it kills me more that our unhealthy relationship broke Edward's heart.
I start up my truck and head home fully prepared to make a plan to get Edward back. I think about grand gestures and everything in between on my way home. I'm so distracted that I don't even notice Rosalie sitting on my bed when I enter my room.
"Bella."
I nearly jump out of my skin at the sound of her voice. "What are you doing here?" I fight to slow my heart rate down as she examines her nails.
"I came for the ring."
"The ring?"
"Yes. The ring. It belonged to Edward's mother, as you already know. It's very important to him. He'd like it back. He said that he understands that it was a gift and if you'd like compensation, he'd be more than happy to oblige but he can't bare to lose the last item he has left of his mother. I'm sure you understand."
My breath comes in pants and I feel dizzy. The walls feel like they're closing in on me and I can't breathe. I'm hyperventilating. Black spots distort my vision before everything goes black.
I come to a few moments later to find Rosalie moving me to my bed. "Christ, Bella. I thought you'd be ecstatic to get rid of that ring. You didn't want it in the first place. Lord knows you didn't want to marry him. Now you don't have to." She says all of this so matter of factly, and while nothing she says is exactly untrue, it's still like a kick in the gut.
I close my eyes against the rush of emotions. "You make me sound like an ungrateful brat."
Rosalie scoffs as she adjusts the blankets around me. "I'm not making you sound like anything. I'm just stating the facts. If the facts make you sound like an ungrateful brat, then that sounds like a you problem."
I hate that she's right. I've been nothing but an ungrateful brat as far as Edward is concerned, but instead of wallowing I find my courage. "Well you tell Edward that if he wants his ring back, then he needs to come get it from me himself."
Rosalie glares at me long and hard. It's incredibly intimidating and I can feel my heart threatening to pound out of my chest but I don't back down. After what feels like a lifetime, she smoothly leaps out my window into the cover of night leaving me alone with my anguish.
I can't help it, the moment she's out of sight I break down. I cry until there's no more tears left to cry, and just when I feel like it's over, a fresh new torrent of tears starts.
I know it's foolish to think that Edward will come tonight but I force myself to stay awake anyway. When dawn breaks, I allow the heaviness in my heart to surface once again. I cry for Edward, I cry for myself but instead of crying for Jacob this time, I cry for all the time with Edward I wasted by running off to La Push to be with Jacob.
How could he possibly ever have felt confident in me when I continuously pulled him close with one hand only to push him away with the other. How could he have ever believed that I wanted spend eternity with him when I continuously refused to marry him all while keeping a spare boyfriend on the side.
Admitting it doesn't make me feel any better, though, it just highlights what a selfish, immature child I am. I've only managed to prove his worst fear right.
I may not have gotten over him when he left, but I certainly jumped on the next guy to show me some attention. I was so worried about becoming that girl, that I became the other kind of girl instead.
Nice.
To tell you the truth being the girl that marries her high school sweetheart right after graduation sounds a lot more appealing than being the girl who cheats on her boyfriend out of some false sense of pride. Too bad that's exactly what I've become.
I'd give anything to go back to the night that Edward proposed to me. If we're being honest, I'd do a lot of things differently if I could turn back time.
The problem is that I can't. And like Carlisle said, I have to face the consequences of my actions. That doesn't mean that I have to give up, though. If anything, this epiphany has made me want to fight for him even harder.
I believe with all of my heart that Edward is my soulmate. He is the man that I am meant to spend my life with, and I'm finished being the selfish, immature little girl. He deserves a strong, loyal woman and that's exactly what I'm going to be.
With new resolve, I pull out my phone and make a call. When the other person answers the line, I say the only thing that comes to mind,
"I know that I messed up, but I need your help."
It takes thirty minutes before she arrives but it's a relief all the same when she does.
"Rosalie, thank you for coming."
"I didn't come for you, I came for my brother. Let's just get that straight."
"Of course, I understand. I'm grateful nonetheless."
"So,what exactly do you need help with?" Her golden eyes scrutinize me, full of disdain. I feel about an inch tall under the weight of her stare but I don't flinch. I've got to learn how to hold my own if I'm ever to get Edward back and fit into this family.
"I need your advice." I take a shaky breath and fiddle with the edge of a napkin as I go on, "Last night Carlisle wouldn't let me see Edward but I can't just wait around. I've got to talk to him. I realized a lot of things last night and I want to talk to him about them. How do I get him to see me?"
Rosalie rolls her eyes and flicks her long blonde hair over her shoulder. "It's not that he doesn't want to see you, it's that he's not really in the right frame of mind to do so."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that it probably wouldn't be safe for you to see him right now."
"He wants to hurt me?" I can't seem to keep the expression of horror from my face.
"Of course not, you twit! But he's not exactly in his right mind either."
"Take me to him."
She contemplates for a moment, but then her eyes harden with resolve. "At least have enough respect to wash the dog's scent off of you. That certainly won't help matters."
Properly chastised, I head to the bathroom to try to remove whatever lingering scent remains. Guilt again washes over me and I feel so incredibly filthy.
Once I've scrubbed my skin raw, I follow Rosalie out the door, more determined than ever to get Edward to listen to me.
Rosalie takes me to a clearing, not too far from the Cullen house. She hands me her phone and tells me just to call when I'm ready to go. I'm hopeful that I won't need to use it, but I put it in my pocket anyway.
I thank her and then make my way into the clearing. I spot him immediately, looking every bit a God carved from stone. He takes my breath away every time I lay eyes on him and today is no different.
Making my way over to him, I take a seat right next to where he's sitting. He tenses as I sink down next to him but doesn't move or say anything.
"I did a lot of thinking last night, after Carlisle sent me away." He doesn't react and I don't look at him. Instead I focus on a single mangled looking tree in the distance. "At first, I wanted to blame you. I wanted to point out that none of this would've happened if you hadn't left me."
Edward stiffens at my mention of him leaving but doesn't react otherwise.
"I wanted to make you understand that I was, once again, self-sacrificing in order to save someone else. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that I wasn't. I'm not the selfless martyr that everyone likes to portray me as. I'm not the selfless martyr that I allow people to think of me as."
I squeeze my eyes shut and will back the tears so that I can get this over with.
"The truth is that I led Jacob on. I knew how he felt about me and I enjoyed being wanted. I enjoyed the power it gave me. I enjoyed the ego boost it gave me. I thought by slapping the 'best friends' label on it made it okay but the truth is that I've been unfaithful for months."
Edward's eyes pinch closed in agony so I rush to explain.
"Nothing physical ever happened beyond the kiss that got me a broken hand but that doesn't change anything. I used him as a crutch, as a backup plan if you chose to leave me again.
"I guess I never really trusted that you would stay."
Edward turns hurt and angry eyes on me. "And instead of telling me this, you chose him. You always choose him."
I think back to all of the times that I defied Edward's wishes and took off to La Push. I think of all the times that I snuck off to see Jacob, knowing how much it bothered Edward. Yes, it seems that I did always choose Jacob. But those days are over. I just need him to realize it.
He takes a deep unnecessary breath before continuing, "Why are you here, Bella? What is it that you want?"
"I want you, Edward. I love you."
"I can't be with someone who's unfaithful. I just can't. I know I made the biggest mistake of my life leaving to try to protect you. I know that. But I could've lived with the truth. I could've lived with you telling me that you'd moved on. That's exactly what happened, after all. But I can't live with sharing the woman I love anymore. I won't do it. I deserve better."
"But I choose you. Don't you get that? I'm never going to see Jacob again. I already told him. It's over."
"Look, Bella. I'm not saying that I don't love you anymore, that's impossible. I will always love you. I'm just saying that you've proven to me that you need some time to be young, to date, to experience things that I simply can't give you. You need to live.
"Will it hurt me to see you with other guys, of course it will. I'd be lying if I said that it wouldn't. But I'd rather let you go so that you can do those things than to have you half-hearted in a relationship where you feel forced to marry me. That honestly hurts a hell of a lot more.
"It was wrong of me to pressure you into saying yes to my proposal and I'm sorry for that. I was desperate to solidify my place in your life and that was a selfish move. I guess it goes without saying goes that you're free now. I won't hold you to a promise you were coerced to make."
He looks down at his hands and the back out into the forest. "I hope you don't mind me asking for the ring back. Normally I wouldn't do something so tasteless, but it's the only thing of my mother's that I have left. And I didn't think you'd mind since you didn't really want it in the first place…"
He trails off looking more broken than I ever thought possible.
"Please, Edward. No. I do want to marry you. God I was so stupid. Please don't take it from me. Please don't leave me. I love you."
"I'm not going anywhere, Bella, I just want to give you some space to figure out what it is that you really want. No pressure, no coercion, no threats. Just you and your thoughts. Just you and your feelings. If after you've taken some time to consider all of your options and I still manage to make it into your plans, then we'll take it from there."
He looks at me expectantly and with a heavy heart I remove the necklace from around my neck and drop the engagement ring into his awaiting palm. His eyes are shimmering as he oh so gently closes his fingers around the glittering metal. If he were able to cry, it looks as though he would be in this moment.
I'm heartbroken, for both him and for myself, but I'm also determined. I will win him back and I won't stop trying until I do. The difference is that I'm determined to do it right this time. Edward is the most loyal and loving man I've ever known and it's high time that I start treating him with the respect that he deserves.
I hope you enjoyed the alternate take of this cannon event. I'd be willing to explore this story a little more if you would like me to. Just let me know.
There will be a new chapter of The Bunny Ranch coming soon.
Lot of love,
Laila