Adam looked down at the controller lying by his feet on the floor. He sighed heavily. Video games used to be his way out, his savior. They were his escape from reality into any other world where he could be the hero. Deep down, he knew they never fixed anything, but, on the surface, he let himself believe they did. Lately, however, even on the surface level they didn't seem to be working.
The fact was, his life sucked. Not only was he the school's transgendered freak, but with Eli off of his meds, Clare spending more and more time with Jake, and Drew always with Katie, Owen, or Julien, Adam was the transgendered freak with no friends who walked around school alone.
He had gotten used to the snide remarks and disgusted glares people would give him as he walked down the halls. But the past few weeks, all those little things started adding up and really affecting Adam. Suddenly, he began to feel weak and repulsing. It was almost as if he was such a freak that even the people he loved were distancing themselves from him.
And so here he sat, alone on the couch staring at a video game controller, the very same one that used to give him a break from his hellish life. Sometimes it seemed like his life was entirely made up of losing himself in virtual worlds. His dad used to tell him that one day he'd turn into one of those video game characters.
"If only," Adam scoffed out loud. He would never be one of them. He would never be the hero. He would never save the world. He would never get the girl. He would never amount to anything.
Not as long as he was like this. Not as long as he lived as himself.
Adam shook his head trying to get the ensuing thought out of his head. It had been quite a while since he last thought about suicide seriously. It was just before school started. His mom was giving him a really hard time about going to school as Adam. They had gotten into an argument a few days earlier that ended with her telling him that he'd be better off dead than as Adam. After that, they hadn't spoken in days. Drew and his dad hadn't really taken sides, mostly because they were afraid of what would happen if they went against Mrs. Torres. Adam sat in his room one night with Gracie's hairclip in his right hand and the lighter in his left. Sitting on his bed, Adam thought of how simple it would be just to press the clip hard enough to hit a vain and kill himself. That would put him and his family out of their misery. Everyone gets a happy ending.
Now here he was again, thinking about just how easy it would be to hold his breath just a minute too long. Suicide could be as simple as that. One last breath he would forever more be holding in.
Last time, Drew had saved him. Just before Adam pressed the clip into his wrist, Drew knocked on the door forcing Adam to hide the hairclip and lighter. By the time Drew entered his room, the clip and lighter were hidden. With the thought of suicide hidden alongside them.
But Drew wasn't here this time. No one was. No one was here to stop him from giving his life up just like that. That thought hurt more than the fact that his life was miserable.
What did he have to live for? Nothing. Eli, Clare, they would get over it and go onto worry about other teenage problems in their lives. His parents, they would survive. Hell, his mom might even be happy Adam was gone. And Drew. Drew would go on with his life just as he was now.
Out of everyone, Drew had let Adam down the most. This year had been hard on the both of them. At the beginning of the year, they had each others' backs. But as the year progressed, Drew was there for Adam less and less. After the whole fiasco with Fiona, Drew hadn't been there to comfort Adam like he had been there for Drew when Alli broke up with him…twice. After Katie rejected Adam for the same reason Bianca did, Drew wasn't there for him. No, instead he went on to kiss her like he did with Bianca.
The worst of it came when one of Drew's best friends went on to publicly call Adam out on air about being transgendered. Although most of the school had Adam's back throughout the whole thing, Drew hadn't said one word. Maybe that was why Adam was so unwilling to move when Drew wanted to after getting jumped. But he refused to leave his brother out to dry like Drew had done to him. And so he stuck by his brother's side through the whole fist fighting phase.
Drew wasn't the one thinking of suicide right now. Adam was. Drew wasn't the one who went around every day by himself. Adam was. Drew wasn't the one who felt the burden of not being accepted. Adam was. And Drew wasn't the one who beat himself up constantly because of what he was. Adam was.
Adam looked down at the controller again. It mocked him. It told him he was nothing. It told him that he would never be accepted. It told him that his life wasn't worth living.
His breathing became heavy and angry. His fist curled into tight balls. His jaw clenched. His eyes snapped shut. His head fell back on the couch. He was so wrapped up in his fit that he hadn't heard the front door open and two giggling teenagers walk in. Still breathing angrily with his fists and jaw clenched, Adam leaned forward over the controller. His eyes fluttered open. Suddenly, there was a hand on his shoulder. Instinctively, Adam shot off the couch and grabbed the hand violently. Seething with self hatred, Adam looked up at the person the hand belonged to.
He immediately let go of the hand and covered his face with his hands ashamed of his action. When he removed his hands from his face, Adam saw Drew looking at him confused with Katie standing just behind him mimicking his expression.
"What?" Adam yelled. "You're allowed to be angry and violent, but I'm not!" The anger in his voice alarmed even himself. But he couldn't help it. Something had taken over him and there was nothing he could do.
Drew looked stunned and Katie grabbed onto his arm a bit scared of Adam. Neither of them had ever seen so much anger in anyone let alone in Adam. Drew gulped before talking.
"Adam," he started slowly and hesitantly, "are you okay?"
Adam glared at him. But his eyes didn't hold anger anymore. Instead, pain and suffering and loneness filled his baby blues. "No!" he said sounding desperate. "I'm tired of pretending I am. And I'm tired of you pretending I am too! We both know I'm not alright, but we both make ourselves think I am because it makes out lives easier. Pretending everything is okay might work for you and mom and everyone else who doesn't bother to care about me anymore, but I'm done," Adam yelled. His body relaxed and his face became totally stoic and unreadable. "So I'm going to do something about it," he said just above a whisper.
And with that, Adam pushed past Drew with Katie still grasping his arm and up the stairs. His mind was racing. Once he was in his room, Adam shut the door, but not before he heard footsteps running up the stairs following him. Adam locked his door knowing that Drew was going to stop him again. But not this time.
He knew it wasn't fair for him to decide what's best for everybody else, but this he knew: if he was gone, things would be better, easier.
Frantically, Adam began to rummage through Gracie's old things until he found the old box containing her clip and lighter. He held the slip above the lighter and watched as the clip turned red hot from the heat of the open flame. Adam brought he clip out of the fire and it hovered just above his wrist.
"Adam!" Drew pleaded. "Please! Don't do this!" Drew's voice was earnest and frantic.
Adam swallowed his pride and walked up to the door. He leaned his forehead against it and said, "I'm sorry, Drew. Please forgive me." Then he pressed the heated clip into his skin and hissed loudly in pain.
Wincing, Adam refused to back off. This was it. This was his end. This was what everyone wanted. This would make everything easier. For everyone.
He didn't know how long he had been pressing the clip against his skin before everything started going black. But just before he felt himself slip into unconsciousness, Adam saw Drew bang down the door with his body and rush over to him. Drew feel to his knees beside his little brother, the brother he had neglected for months and taken for granted, and began to cry as he watched Adam's eyes slowly close.
Through his tears, Drew managed to get out, "Please, Adam, don't leave me."
The second after everything went black, Adam saw glimpses of Eli, Clare, Drew, Fiona, Katie, Bianca, his mom, his dad, Alli, Wesley, Connor, Dave, and everyone else in his life. Suddenly he wanted to live, to go on. They had saved him. But it was too late. Everything had gone dark and Adam couldn't feel his body. He didn't know if he was dead, but he hoped he wasn't. It had taken him until now to find what he was willing to live for. And it was for him. Adam wanted to live for himself for once.
The doctors say that it was his strong veins and toughly scarred skin that kept him alive. They say that it was all his body's doing. But Adam knew the truth. It was really his want to keep going that brought him back to life. It was his will to live that gave his body the strength to fight and survive. For once, it wasn't video games that saved him, it was himself.