The Ember Island Players in Gravity Falls
It was a lovely day in Gravity Falls. Ford and Dipper had just installed the Bill-proof shield around the Mystery Shack, Stan was counting his wages, and Mabel was wiping the unicorn tears from her clothes.
Suddenly, Soos and Wendy came in with a poster. Soos said to the Pines family, "Okay, you guys are not gonna believe this! There's an opera about us."
"We were just in town and we found this poster!" Wendy added as she revealed a poster depicting our heroes.
Stan, Ford, Mabel, and Dipper were incredulous. "What? How is that possible?" Stan asked.
"Listen to this…" Soos answered, and read: "Pines in the Woods is a new production from acclaimed opera composer Gian-Carlo Bologna and librettist Alexander Ripoffsky, who scoured the city gathering information on the Pines family, from the brutal Man Cave to the heart of the Gnome Forest. His sources include singing merpeople, fangirls, simple tourists, and a surprisingly knowledgeable waitress. Brought to you by the critically acclaimed Ember Island Players."
When Dipper heard that, he began to have second thoughts, and said, "Ugh! Mom and Dad used to take Mabel and me to see them. They got everything wrong about Avatar: the Last Airbender, although if you think about it, it is an improvement over the movie."
"Come on, a day at the opera? This is the kind of wacky time-wasting nonsense I've been missing!" said Mabel persuasively.
"So, let's stop everything we've been working on," Ford announced. "And go to the opera!"
That night, Dipper, Mabel, Ford, Stan, Soos, and Wendy all went to the Gravity Falls Opera House. They sat in the balcony where they hoped to get the best views.
Soos was excited. "Whoa! I've never been to an opera before!"
"I'm afraid you might not like this one," Dipper warned Soos.
"Come on, Dipper," said Mabel. "You're making the opera boring."
"Quiet!" Stan hushed. "The music's starting."
After a brief overture consisting of the Gravity Falls theme in both minor and major keys, the curtain rose to reveal a set showing the attic of the Mystery Shack, where two women in Dipper and Mabel's costumes could be seen. The woman playing Dipper was a mezzo-soprano dressed in an orange shirt, a dark blue vest, gray shorts, and a blue pine tree hat, while the woman playing Mabel was a young soubrette soprano dressed in a shooting star sweater and a purple skirt. Up in the balcony, the real Dipper and Mabel looked at each other in confusion.
Actress Mabel sang:
"This attic is amazing!
Check out all my splinters!"
Actress Dipper encountered a goat and sang:
"And there's a goat on my bed."
Meanwhile, the real Dipper looked at the mezzo-soprano and gasped, "Wait, is that a woman playing me?"
And Stan, elated, laughed out loud, "Oh man! This composer's a genius!"
Just then, into the attic set, there approached the actor playing Grunkle Stan. He was a middle-aged, yet handsome dramatic tenor with a full head of silver hair only partially covered by a small fez. He wore a fine tuxedo with a red bow tie. He sang to the two women:
"Dipper, Mabel, I need someone
to hammer up these signs in the
spooky part of the forest."
The real Stan was amazed. "Wow!" he gasped. "I wouldn't have cast it any other way! Heh, at least it's not some lady in suspenders and a bra."
"But I don't do that!" Dipper complained. "That's not what I'm like! And I'm not a woman!"
Later, the attic set was no longer present. In its place was a set depicting a forest. The woman playing Dipper entered nailing signs on the trees, muttering:
"Stupid Grunkle Stan, making me do all the work…"
That is, until she hit a metallic-sounding tree. She opened the door and pushed a small lever inside it, which revealed to her Journal 3. The actress then took out the journal, opened it, and read in a spoken voice:
"It's hard to believe it's been six years since I began researching the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon…"
The real Dipper rolled his eyes and groaned, "Come on."
After turning some pages, Actress Dipper read:
"Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched. I must hide this book before he finds it. Remember, in Gravity Falls, TRUST NO ONE!"
Up in the balcony, Dipper was disgruntled, while Mabel and Stan looked at him, smiling. "They make me look totally stiff and humorless," Dipper grumbled.
Mabel replied, "Actually, I think that singer's pretty spot on."
Dipper was shocked, and asked, "How could you say that?"
The next scene showed a boat by the Gravity Falls Lake. The tenor playing Stan sang to the women playing Dipper and Mabel:
"Come on, kids. Let's fish.
The guys at the lodge won't go with me.
And that is because, in their own words,
they don't like or trust me.
But with you by my two sides,
we will fish for some ten hours!
And I will tell you funny jokes.
Yes, this time will be ours!"
Just then, astride a cool boat, came the actor playing Soos, a big, chubby lyric baritone wearing a question mark T-shirt and a brown baseball cap. He sang:
"A big, fat handyman I am, that's true.
I would like to hunt monsters with you.
I've got the best boat in the town.
I promise I won't let you down."
Meanwhile, the real Soos felt offended and he blushed. "I know I'm a big dude, but it kinda hurts."
And Ford replied, "Hey, the truth hurts, doesn't it?"
The next scene showed Actress Dipper gazing in awe at the actress playing Wendy, a slender lyric soprano wearing a long red wig and green flannel. She sang wistfully:
"If only there were someone to love me…"
And the mezzo-soprano, in the character of a twelve-year-old boy, sang quietly:
"Dear Wendy, how much I love you."
And the soubrette playing Mabel sang:
"Ha-ha! Somebody's in love!"
To which Actress Dipper replied:
"Come on, Mabel. It's not like I lay awake
at night thinking about her."
Up in the balcony, the real Wendy gasped, "He… what!?" And she stared at the real Dipper, who shrunk back and muttered, "Uh-oh."
Later, the scene showed a basso in a Manotaur costume, bellowing to Actress Dipper:
"Riddles and challenges to become a man,
if you want to be like your great-uncle Stan!"
And the poor mezzo-soprano struggled to push a giant boulder drawn to look like the Multi-Bear. The real Dipper was confused as to what was going on.
The next scene showed a whole bunch of holograms of Actress Dipper looking like they were going to fight her. Actress Dipper told the holograms:
"Come on, guys! You said we wouldn't fight!"
But the hologram playing Tyrone sang coldly:
"I think we all knew we were lying!"
And so the holograms attacked Actress Dipper, but the mezzo-soprano slipped away and exited stage right as the nearby party guests, including Actor Stan, applauded Actress Mabel.
The next scene showed a female contralto singing the role of Lil Gideon:
"Oh, I can see what others can't see!
It ain't some sideshow trick, it's innate ability!
Where others are blind, I am futurely inclined,
And you too could see, if you were little ol' me!"
Up in the balcony, the real Mabel gagged, "Yeesh! To think I once liked that kid!"
Afterwards, Actress Gideon was shown trying to attack Actress Dipper, who was suspended on rather obvious wires. When Actress Mabel saw this, she angrily told the contralto:
"I am never going to date you."
The next scene showed a contralto playing Robbie next to Actress Wendy. Actress Robbie sang to the soprano:
"When I think about you, I feel feelings so deep.
I'm tossing and turning, and you know I'm losing sleep.
And I know I'm going crazy, when I look into your eyes.
Just listen to this song, and you'll be hypnoti-i-zed."
As Actress Dipper watched with envy, Actress Wendy sang:
"Oh, Robbie, you're so bad."
Meanwhile, the real Wendy looked embarrassed.
In the next scene, Actress Dipper, Actress Mabel, and Actor Soos were shown fighting a giant triangle on a string made to resemble Bill Cipher, as a dramatic baritone sang from off-stage:
"Ha! You'll never get past me! Eat nightmares!"
But Actress Dipper sang:
"Eat this!"
And immediately, three red lights that resembled laser beams shot at the triangle, and the set turned to white as the baritone voicing Bill sang:
"A darkness approaches. A day will come in the future when everything you care about will change! Until then I'll be watching you! I'LL BE WATCHING YOU!"
And the triangle was pulled up from the stage as the baritone laughed maniacally.
The next scene showed Actor Stan next to a broken-down Mystery Shack, standing in front of the women playing Dipper and Mabel, and singing:
"I don't have a house, or a job.
The plan is: you're going home.
Sorry, kids. It's for the best."
And as the tenor let the women onto the prop bus, he began sobbing.
Up in the balcony, Stan was in tears, while Ford told him, "Gosh, Stanley. I'm so sorry."
"Sh!" Stan said brokenly. "I'm trying to watch." And he began to tear up.
The final scene of the first act showed a giant robot that looked like Gideon, while the women playing Dipper and Mabel punched it so hard it fell to the ground. Actress Gideon came out as Actor Stan came and sang:
"Now, you may think that Gideon is so honest and pure.
I think this evidence will make your thoughts not-so-sure."
And as soon as Actress Gideon was exposed as a fraud, two men playing Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland arrested the contralto as the chorus sang to her:
"We hate you, o Gideon!"
As the tenor playing Stan placed his arms on the women playing Mabel and Dipper, the curtain dropped and the audience applauded. In the balcony seat, Mabel, Stan, and Ford laughed, while Dipper, Soos, and Wendy were disgusted.
Afterwards, our heroes went to the Hermanos Brothers restaurant for some tacos. "So far, this intermission is the best part of this opera," said Dipper.
Soos added, "Apparently, the composer dude thinks I'm a big dude. I mean, I know I'm a big dude, but it kinda hurts!"
"At least the Soos actor kind of looks like you," Dipper replied. "That woman playing Dipper doesn't resemble me at all!"
"I don't know," said Mabel. "You are more in touch with your feminine side than most guys."
And Wendy said, "Relax, man. They're not accurate portrayals. It's not like I'm some girl looking for the right guy to date all the time."
And everyone stared at her. "Right, that's not you," said Dipper sarcastically.
Ford then told everyone, "Listen, everyone, it's obvious that the composer and librettist did their research. I know it must hurt, but what you're seeing up there on that stage is the truth."
As the second act began, the curtain rose to show the tenor playing Stan standing next to a portal set, and, taking out Journal 1, he sang:
"After all these years…
Finally, we have them all…"
As he set all three journals in place and flipped some switches, the real Stan watched with delight and said, "You were right all along, Ford. It's the truth."
As the portal turned on, Actor Stan sang triumphantly:
"It's working!
Thirty long years, and it's all led up to this:
My greatest achievement!"
The next scene showed the singers playing Dipper, Mabel, and Stan singing before a group of badly-dressed actors playing zombies:
"Oooh Ooh! Girls do what we like!
Oooh Ooh! We're taking over midnight!
Oooh Ooh! Girls do what we like!
Oooh Ooh! We're taking over midnight!
We're queens of the dance floor!"
Later on, the singers playing Dipper, Mabel, Wendy, and Soos had frozen the Shapeshifter, who gave his last words, through the off-stage voice of a basso:
"You think you're so clever, don't you, Dipper? But you have no idea what you're up against. You will never find the author. If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine. And this will be the last form you ever take!"
Just then, an image of Dipper showed up, as tense music played.
In the balcony, Mabel asked the real Dipper, "Are you going to… die?"
"You know," Dipper answered. "It's still really unclear."
The next scene showed Actress Mabel running in circles to tire Actress Dipper, who was lip-synching to the baritone voicing Bill to indicate that "he" was possessed. The off-stage baritone sang:
"Oh, woe is me! Curse these flesh-sticks!
Must… scratch… mosquito… bites!"
And Actress Dipper fell to the floor, only to rise again and sing in her normal voice:
"Yes! I'm back in my body!"
The next scene showed the singers playing Dipper, Mabel, Wendy, and Soos with the basso playing Old Man McGucket. They were all gazing at a television screen, while Actor McGucket's voice from an off-stage gramophone was heard:
"My name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket,
and I wish to un-see what I have seen.
While working on the portal with a travelling researcher,
I saw Bill Cipher, naked in the bathroom!
If I just wipe out my mind, just this once…
HAHAHA! YROO XRKSVI GIRZMTOV!"
Members of the audience were dabbing their eyes as this scene was shown. But the next scene showed the tenor playing Stan getting arrested by two basses playing government agents. Actor Stan sang in protest:
"Kids! I really am your uncle!
And I really am innocent! KIDS!"
Meanwhile, the real Stan, thinking back with a hint of regret, left his seat.
"Oh, you're getting up, Mr. Pines?" Soos whispered. "Can you get me some popcorn? Ooh, and a Pitt Cola!"
The final scene of the second act showed a set with the portal. The singers playing Stan, Soos, Dipper, and Mabel were suspended on wires to simulate zero gravity. The mezzo-soprano playing Dipper sang:
"Mabel, I demand you push the red button!"
But the tenor playing Stan cried:
"NO! Mabel, Mabel, wait! STOP!"
Just then, the baritone playing Soos pushed Stan away and shouted to him:
"I hate you, Stan, if that is your real name! You smell, and I'll hate you for all time!"
Meanwhile, the real Mabel was shocked, and asked, "Soos, you didn't really say that, did you?"
And Soos, ashamed, said, "I might as well have."
Back on stage, the tenor playing Stan sang:
"I wanted to say, you're going to hear some bad things about me,
and some of them are true, but trust me: everything I've worked for,
everything I care about, is all for this family."
Actress Dipper sang:
"Mabel, he's lying! Listen to your head!"
Actor Stan:
"Look into my eyes, Mabel! Do you really think I'm a bad guy?"
Actress Dipper:
"He's lying! Shut it down now!"
Actor Stan:
"Mabel, PLEASE!"
After a while, Actress Mabel made the choice and sang:
"Grunkle Stan… I trust you…"
With that, the portal exploded to the tune of percussion. Meanwhile, Ford got excited and whispered, "This is it, this must be where I come in! Here it comes…"
On stage, out of the wreckage of the portal came a mysterious man, a dramatic baritone dressed in a long dark overcoat. Each of his hands had a rubber finger crudely taped onto it. The mezzo-soprano singing Dipper asked:
"What? Who is that?"
The tenor singing Stan replied:
"The author of the journals… my brother… the real Stanford Pines…"
And the curtain fell as the audience applauded loudly. Ford, Mabel, and Soos beamed with delight, but Dipper and Wendy gave looks.
During the second intermission, Dipper, Mabel, Soos, and Wendy were having fun, when Ford asked, "Does anyone know where Stan is?"
Soos replied, "He left to get me popcorn, like, ten minutes ago. And I'm still waiting!"
"I'm gonna check outside," said Ford as he walked outside to see Stan, sitting on the doorsteps of the opera house gazing at the night sky. Ford walked towards his twin and asked, "Are you all right?"
"No, I'm not all right," growled Stan. "I hate what they're doin' to my past! Ford, how would you react if I had a kid?"
"What are you talking about?" asked Ford.
Stan replied, "On stage, my actor said he was Dipper and Mabel's great-uncle, and how would you react if I was more closely related to them?"
"Look, Stan, we're in the midst of an apocalypse, and we have other things to worry about. This isn't the right time."
Stan, frustrated that he was unable to reveal more about his past, grumbled, "Ugh! I'm such an idiot!"
Back in the theatre, the third act was about to start, when Soos told Stan, "Here's what you missed: Dipper and Mabel discovered glimpses of your real identity, then we discovered the portal and tried to shut it down, only to not shut it down and let out your twin brother."
The curtain rose to reveal the singers playing Stan, Ford, Mabel, and Dipper in the Mystery Shack. The tenor playing Stan sang:
"I just wanted to let you kids know
that your real grandfather…
is some random third brother named Shermy!"
The soprano playing Mabel punched the air and sang:
"I wouldn't want it any other way!"
This caused the real Stan to curl up and use his fez to cover his face, as if he had possibly lied about Dipper and Mabel's family history.
The next scene showed the baritone playing Ford revealing to actress Dipper a small snow globe containing a blob. He sang:
"The instability of the portal created this:
an interdimensional rift that, when released,
can be incredibly dangerous.
Don't tell anyone about it. Promise?"
Actress Dipper sang:
"I promise."
"A WHAT?!" asked Mabel.
"Uh, it's nothing," Dipper fibbed.
The penultimate scene of all showed Actress Dipper and Actor Ford setting up a Bill-proof shield made of unicorn hair. The baritone sang to the mezzo-soprano:
"There. As long as we're in the Shack,
everyone is safe and sound from Bill."
Back in the balcony, Mabel stretched and said, "Look, we're back in the present! That's all, folks!"
"Mabel!" Dipper retorted. "The opera's not over!"
"Actually, it is over," Ford replied, then after a dramatic pause, he gasped, "unless, this is the future!"
The last scene of all showed the rift getting smashed, thereby "releasing" Bill Cipher on cables. The off-stage baritone voice sang:
"Now, demons, I'll take care of the Pines family,
while you take care of everyone else!"
The singers playing Dipper, Mabel, Ford, and Stan entered, and the baritone playing Ford lamented:
"Oh, no! It's worse than I thought!"
The tenor playing Stan then stepped up and sang:
"Bill Cipher! You're going down!"
And there was an awesome onstage battle between Stan and Bill. Stan shot bullets with his shotgun, while Bill shot fire with his hands. Finally, Actor Stan had shot Bill out of existence, but fell, clutching his shoulder because his character was mortally wounded. He then called the singers playing Dipper, Mabel, and Ford around him and sang:
"Brother, Mabel, and Dipper,
as I go into the hereafter,
I want you to know…
I always loved you all as family,
and as I die, please run the Shack for me."
Actor Ford:
"Ah! Stan, don't die! If you die,
it will be all my fault for not
telling you any sooner.
I forgive you, Stan!
I forgive you, Stan!"
Actresses Dipper and Mabel:
"Don't leave us, Stan.
Don't leave us, Stan.
We need you, Stan.
We love you, Stan."
Actor Stan:
"And now, I say to you all,
as I leave this cold, hard world,
farewell, fare-WELL!
Farewell…"
After Actor Stan closed his eyes and fell limp in Actor Ford's arms, the others sang as violent chords from the orchestra played:
"Oh night, night of horror!
Oh night, night of horror!"
As the curtain fell on this tragic scene, the audience, still dabbing their eyes, rose and gave a standing ovation, except for the Pines family.
Afterwards, our heroes left the opera house.
"That… wasn't a good opera," said Dipper.
"I'll say," replied Mabel.
"No kidding," said Wendy.
"Horrible," said Soos.
"You said it," said Ford.
"But the effects were decent," said Stan.