Sometimes "Sorry" isn't enough

By Lirulin

Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me. I just borrowed them from J.K. Rowling. And I also don't make money with it, who would pay for this anyway?

Warning: This is SLASH! Don't like don't read. And don't say I didn't warn you.

Pairing: SB/RL

What have I done? I've probably destroyed everything. He'll never forgive me. He doesn't even want to see me. That's the worst of it.

Not that I had to go see Dumbledore and endure him looking at me with this disappointed gaze.

Not that I lost Gryffindor 250 points.

Not that I got two months worth of detention. I deserve that and probably more.

No, the worst is, that he is in the hospital wing and I can't go to him, can't apologize.

He doesn't want to see me, doesn't want to talk to me. James told me.

He's very angry with me, too. Almost hit me this morning in the dormitory. Perhaps he should have done it. Perhaps he should've done it a lot sooner, to knock some sense into me.

What did possess me to do what I did?

They always say I'm so intelligent and have such a quick mind, but I must've left it in Gryffindor Tower when I told Snape to go to the Whomping Willow yesterday.

I'm alone now in the dormitory, and if I could, I'd suffocate myself with the pillow. I can't understand myself and I'm disgusted with myself. Did I really want to kill Snape, like James said? ...

Of course I didn't want to! I hate the git, but I would never kill him.

So, why did I do it?

I didn't think, but that's no excuse. And what's wore, I didn't think of him. I didn't think about what this would do to him. I could bang my head repeatedly against the wall. He's the most important person in the world for me, but I didn't think about him for one moment yesterday.

I feel like I betrayed him. Like I betrayed his trust in me. Just last week he told us how happy he was to have friends like us. It was one of those weird emotional moments and I just wanted to go over and hug him. Of course I didn't do it.

And then, exactly one week later, I go and betray his greatest secret to our biggest enemy in this school.

I'm such an idiot!

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do if he never talks to me again?

I can't bear the thought...

Should have thought about that sooner then, Black...

Great! Now my mind starts talking to me! I'm finally going insane. Or is this my conscience? Why couldn't it put his two-bits in sooner? Perhaps then I wouldn't have done such bullshit.

The air is getting heavier with every minute. I have to get out of here, maybe take a walk by the lake to clear my thoughts...

It's still quite early, but it's already getting dark outside. You can almost feel the snow in the air. Only four more weeks until Christmas.

I think this will be the worst celebration ever, if I can't patch up things to him. I'm sure it will be even worse than the Christmases I had to spend with my "lovely family".

I feel so empty.

And I'm scared. They always think I'm so fearless and confident, but right now I'm just scared.

The thought that he will probably not forgive me frightens me to the core.

The moon is now shining up there, slightly waning again, and it seems to mock me: "Look what you've done to the person you supposedly love."

Yes, that's right. I've fallen for him, I love him since last year. Took some time to accept actually, I was after all the "Ladies' Man".

Of course I never told him about my feelings. I was afraid I would loose our friendship, but it seems that I managed to do that now. And with just a few words.

Why did I have to say that to Snape? "Why don't you just go to the Whomping Willow tonight, if you're so desperate to know? Just press the knot at the trunk."

I should have known he would do it. He was after Remus' secret for quite some time now...

Remus...

Just thinking his name hurts. I'm really pathetic...

I think I'm going back inside now. Perhaps I can sneak into the infirmary to try and talk to him...

I don't know what I'll say though. I can't explain why I did it, nothing justifies it. If he'll accept an apology?

I have to try now...

Ok, here I am now, I just have to get my courage together. But that's easier said than done. Not much there at the moment. Where is it when you need it the most? Some Gryffindor I am...

Good, everythings quiet, Mme. Pomfrey is nowhere in sight.

There he is, I don't think he heard me already.

I can do this, I have to do this.

"Moony?"

My voice never sounded that tentative and unsure. I hold my breath.

There, he turns his head and looks at me ... and something is breaking inside of me. His eyes are so cold. He never ever looked that way at me, so indifferent and even a bit hostile.

Normally his eyes are so warm and full of laughter or sometimes even mischief. I love his eyes and how they glint amber in the firelight.

But now ... that's all gone. He looks as if he doesn't know me, as if he doesn't even want to look at me at all. And he doesn't say a word.

I feel absolutely terrible. But I have to tell him how sorry I am and that I see how wrong it was.

"Moony ... I ... I wanted to ... I am ... I mean ..."

Why can't I just say it?

"Black, I think it is better you leave."

And then he turns away again.

I stumble backwards. He never called me Black! He never talked to me in this cold and absolutely emotionless voice!

That's it.

I lost him forever.

I return slowly to the dormitory. I'm glad it's empty.

James and Peter are in the Common Room, but they ignored me when I entered.

I look over the grounds. Everything seems so peaceful. Why can't there be a raging thunderstorm outside to reflect my emotions?

What's this?

Why are there tears in my eyes? I can't be crying now!

It can't be that bad, right? ... Right? ...

But it can.

Everything's lost and broken and I don't know how to repair it... If it even can be repaired.

And then, my tears start flowing...

TBC

That's just the beginning. So, tell me what you think about it.

Please Review!