My
second ER fic. Again set after "Rescue Me". Feedback is loved.
She
couldn't take it. Not again. Never again. She knew Kim had feelings for her,
she had for some time, but she hadn't wanted to admit it to herself. Not after
the last time.
Michelle.
Her best friend from high school. Her maid of honour at her wedding. God, that
wedding. The night before they'd had some fun. That was the night it had all
started. They'd been drunk. Typical. Alcohol did things to people, made them
act differently, loosen up. Sometimes this was a good thing. Sometimes, bad.
Michelle,
a petite brunette with a sweet smile and the ability to know whenever something
was up with Kerry. That night, something had been up. She was nervous, the
typical pre-wedding jitters that must have struck countless brides-to-be ever
since time began. Out with a large group of friends, she hadn't expressed her
feelings, but Michelle had known. She always did.
Returning
to Kerry's house, the two young women stumbled up the steps and finally collapsed
onto Kerry's bed.
"What's
wrong?" Michelle asked with a smile. "You're getting married tomorrow, you're
meant to be happy!"
Kerry
hadn't been able to express her feelings. Just a vague sense that something
wasn't right, that she wasn't meant to be getting married, that this was
terribly, terribly wrong. In retrospect it hadn't been helped by the alcohol
consumption, but the emotions had been there anyway, lurking beneath the
surface.
Instead,
she found herself crying. In front of anyone else, she would have been
embarrassed, in front of Michelle, it didn't matter. Her friend started
soothing her, taking Kerry in her arms and stroking her back.
It
was then that they'd kissed for the first time. It was only momentary, and at
first Kerry thought she'd only imagined it, that this was ridiculous, this was
her best friend . . .
Michelle
had pretended as if it hadn't existed, either, and neither of them mentioned it
as Kerry began talking about the wedding and wondering whether she had the
traditional something old, something new, something borrowed and something
blue.
They
hadn't brought it up the next day either, acting as if everything was normal.
It was easier for both of them that way. Kerry hadn't given it a second
thought. They'd been incredibly drunk, it meant nothing.
Apparently
Michelle had thought about it, though. Kerry had no idea. As the months passed
by, she grew used to being a married woman, although there was something
slightly unsatisfactory about it. Not anything she could put her finger on, but
a feeling that the niggling worry she'd experienced the night before her
wedding was being confirmed, only she wasn't sure how.
After
a year she began to notice that her husband was growing more and more distant.
Whenever she tried to confront him, he made excuses. His job was tiring him out
and he wasn't up to talking right now. Looking back, she wondered how she'd
been so stupid. Her job tired her out. Being a med student was not an
easy, nine-to-five job. And yet she'd had time to worry about her marriage.
She'd
had to handle too much. She knew she shouldn't have gotten married so young.
She'd always been so determined that she'd put her career first, and not settle
down before she was ready to.
Pouring
out all her woes to Michelle, all she received was support and the kindness
that her best friend had always been able to provide. Not an inkling about the
way Michelle felt.
One
day they'd had a joky conversation about why Michelle never seemed to have any
men in her life. Kerry couldn't remember the last time Michelle had had a
boyfriend.
"Oh,
for God's sake, Kerry, haven't you figured it out by now?" Michelle had sighed.
And
she hadn't. She wasn't sure what exactly Michelle meant by that.
"Nothing,
forget it," her friend muttered when asked. Kerry didn't want to press the
subject, but she slowly began to figure out that maybe Michelle was interested
in her. Of course, it was a silly idea, completely impossible, but . . .
it made sense.
Everything
started to slide into place, but she was nervous about confronting Michelle.
She wasn't sure how to go about it. She didn't return Michelle's feelings for
her. Although she kept telling herself that, sometimes she doubted herself.
Sometimes, like when she would lie in bed beside her sleeping husband after
making love to him, and longing for Michelle instead. She wasn't sure of
anything anymore. She'd always considered herself pretty open-minded. She
didn't have anything against lesbians, but at the same time everything seemed
strange when she thought she might be one.
Despite
her conflicting emotions regarding Michelle, Kerry still turned to her when she
learnt of her husband's affair.
That
night, staying in Michelle's spare bedroom, she couldn't sleep. Twisting and
turning endlessly. And then, suddenly, she knew exactly what she wanted.
Slipping
into Michelle's bedroom, she found her friend also awake. That night – their
second kiss. And more. A night that Kerry would always remember. She didn't
care what anyone thought of her. All she knew was that she did love Michelle,
and she was happy, maybe happier than she'd ever been.
By
the time she woke up the following morning, Michelle was already up and had
dressed. Kerry found her downstairs in the kitchen.
"Coffee?"
Michelle asked rather brusquely, pouring out a cup.
"Sure,"
Kerry nodded, slightly confused. "Michelle, is . . . everything okay?"
"Kerry,
I know you have been my best friend for years, but don't think that what
happened last night – don't think it means we're together. It was just sex.
Nothing else. Don't get any ideas."
Kerry
had only been able to gape dumbly at the woman she was in love with. The
initial hurt she'd felt then was nothing compared to the pain that was to
follow. Michelle refused to acknowledge from then on that anything had happened
between them. Their friendship disintegrated rapidly. At one point, without her
best friend or her husband, Kerry had contemplated suicide. Afterwards she
couldn't believe how depressed she had been, how weak.
The
solution was so simple, of course. Not to get close to anyone ever again. She'd
failed at that over the years, had made friends, had lovers. She cared about
people. But never had she let anyone get as close as Michelle had. Never.
She
couldn't understand how Michelle had rejected her so coldly. She'd thought
Michelle had feelings for her, and when they'd finally realised how the other
felt, everything had seemed perfect. But then everything had fallen apart.
She
was terrified that Kim was going to become that close and then hurt her.
Despite how much she really did care about Kim, how much she wanted her, the
reminder of Michelle stopped her. She remembered the staring in disbelief at
her former friend and lover, she remembered the temptation of pressing the razor
against her wrists. She wasn't willing to relive the lowest point in her life.
Any
hope Kim had of a relationship was pointless. It wasn't going to happen. Kerry
wasn't going to let herself, not again.
And
then she pictured Kim in her mind and her resolve wavered, just a little. She
headed into work the next day with the intent of avoiding her friend. That
smile, those eyes . . . they weren't much good at preventing her from getting
close. In fact, they made her want to get far too close for her own good.
She
couldn't let it happen, she told herself firmly, preparing for another day in
the ER. Without Kim, an empty day, but the risk was too great.
Sometime
around midday she ran into Kim and her once bitten, twice shy policy suddenly
seemed pointless.
When
Kim suggested dinner the following week, she agreed.
"Don't
worry," Kim smiled as she walked away. "It's not a date."
"No.
It is," Kerry called after her, and with a smile at the look of delighted
surprise on Kim's face, she left.