The Gourry Show
Written
by: Ariela Dawn
(Author's Note: This is purely for fun, don't sue or
Hal will get you! This document took many brain-cell-reducing hours of talk
shows late into the night…I now have to re-establish my intelligence by
watching more and more Slayers…)
"Gourry,
we've got a full crowd tonight, knock them dead pal." Lina said, poking her
head in a dressing room.
"No
problem, Lina, you know I always do!" Gourry said, smiling. Lina left and
Gourry sighed. "How did I get into this you ask? I saved a little girl from a
bunch of bandits. Turned out that she's the infamous Bandit Killer, Lina
Inverse. Why the hell do I have my own dressing room and why do I have to knock
an audience dead? I host my own talk show now.
Its called Gourry and I address problems that affect our world."
Gourry thought.
"What the
hell! Ameria!" Gourry yelled.
"What?
Ameria poked her head in my dressing room.
"This
script isn't pho-en-netic.. er whatever." Gourry complained.
"Sorry,
but it's a little late to change it!" Ameria said plainly and left.
"Crap,
crap, crap! I can't do the show now!"
"Oh yes
you will, or the sword is mine for good!" Lina declared over the loudspeaker.
"But I'm
hungry!" Gourry spun around in his swirl chair until he got dizzy.
"And don't
be getting dizzy! I don't need puke on my set, oh, wait, never mind, that's one
of tonight's guests…" Lina yelled and buzzed out.
"Fine, I
may as well go out now and talk with the audience for a while…" Gourry got up
and went to the set. Val-garv was busy testing the camera and Zelgadis was
watching each and every one of the suspicious-looking audience members. After a
while some stagehand guy told the stage crew and audience it was time to start
taping.
**Now
taping and censoring**
"Hello and
welcome to Gourry! Today, we have a set of dysfunctional friends and
family, including a Mazoku and a Dragon!" Gourry shouted into the camera and the audience applauded. "First on our
show is a knight of Cepheid, Luna Inverse and her sister, Lina! Come on out you
two!"
The guests
came out from opposite sides of the stage, Lina looking terrified. Luna was
confident and she sat next to her younger sister with style and grace.
"So, tell
me ladies, how did this all start?" Gourry asked.
"I wanted
to-" Lina began, but got cut off by Luna.
"Well,
Gourry, it all started when we needed some extra money and I took a job of
waitressing. Lina here decided that thieving was more profitable that
waitressing, and decided to leave home with some bimbo who called herself Naga
the Serpent."
"She is
not a bimbo! She is goldfish **beep**!" Lina yelled.
"Now, now,
ladies, calm down." Gourry coaxed.
"I AM CALM
JELLYFISH BRAINS!" Lina yelled, heaving a fireball at Gourry's head. Gourry
ducked and it went flying into the audience.
A random man ran around, his head on fire.
"Lina…"
Gourry whined. Luna was getting mad.
"You see!
See what you do to people?! Don't make me use a Dragon Slave on your head!"
Luna shouted.
"I can do
a Dragon Slave better than you can any day of the week!" Lina argued.
"Oh yeah?!"
Luna challenged.
"Yeah!"
Lina said and all the set lights went out as Lina began to cast the spell.
"Whaaahhh!
No! Not the Dragon Slave!" Gourry cried.
"Shut up
Gourry! I'll get her to the hospital later!" Lina yelled.
"All
right, but stop firing the spells around like you always do, this is
international broadcast." Gourry said, trying to calm Lina and Luna down.
"Now,
where was I?" Luna asked herself, "Ah yes, Lina took off with Naga the bimbo
and I was stuck trying to earn an income all by myself in a smelly restaurant
at only 5 bronze pieces a day!"
"That's
because you said that you didn't want to go with me to stop bandits and take
their gold!" Lina argued.
"Well,
um, is our next ready to come on yet?"
Gourry asked the stagehand. The stagehand nodded and Val-garv turned the camera
to Gourry.
"Let's
bring out our next guest, many of you know her as the White Serpent, here she
is, Naga the Serpent!"
As Naga
walked on stage, all the men hooted like crazy, well because of her humongous
jumblies and scantily clad body. By the time Naga sat in between Luna and Lina,
the entire audience was chanting "Gourry! Gourry! Gourry! Gourry! Gourry!
Gourry!"
"Shut up
you pathetic men! I am Naga, the White
Serpent!" she got up and yelled to the
men. The men continued to whistle and
chant, and Lina was mumbling on how Gourry was too stupid to have his own show.
"AHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA!!!!"
Naga laughed. Everyone in the room,
except Gourry stopped talking and covered their ears.
"Okay,
have a seat Naga." Gourry said. Naga sat down next to Lina.
"His brain
is too small to be affected by your laugh."
Lina whispered to Naga.
"Why
couldn't we have gone on the Duo Show? At least he's a little more intelligent
than this genius…" Luna muttered sarcastically.
"Will you
two knock it off?! Zelgadis! Protect me!" Gourry shouted. Zelgadis gave Gourry
the evil-eye and Gourry backed away into the audience.
"You know
Lina, you're getting on my nerves," Luna shouted and almost threw her chair on
Naga's head. The audience started to
chant again.
"Hey!
That's not very nice!" Naga cried, "Freeze Arrow!" She shot the ice arrows at
Luna and they froze her hair.
"Gyahhhhhh
MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!" Luna shrieked,
"Flare Arrow!" and sent a fire arrow into Naga's hair, which got fried like the
Colonel's Secret Recipe. (Fire the Twisters!)
"Can we go
to a commercial?" Gourry asked, dodging a fireball cast by Lina into the
audience.
"We'll be
right back with the Gourry Show in a moment, now here's a few words from our
sponsors!" the announcer guy declared.
**Commercial
1**
"Ok!" a
really energetic gay guy was in spandex shorts and a muscle shirt said, "You
want to be slim as these ladies here?" He pointed to some international
supermodels. "You can be as glamorously slim as these ladies too if you follow
my, Ricky Simpson's, Diet Plan! It's absolutely super! You get all these pills
for only $99.98!" He held up a pack of mints. All you do is take three of these
super-formulated pills and you'll be dropping the pounds in just days. The
secret in this miracle diet is that you don't eat a thing! Isn't that just
super?! Call the number flashing at the bottom of your screen to order your
one-month supply. But if you call during this show, we'll quadruple your order
for free!
"That's
right, you get a four month supply of my diet pills for only $99.98! That's
only 1/3 of the retail price! And you get four months for the price of one!
It's a super deal, so call now! 888-ANREXIC! 888-267-3942!1"
**Commercial
2 **
"Hey girls! Check this out! A new line of Barbies!"
a corny commercial voice said.
"Wow!"
Girl A said, she held up the Barbie, "What kind of Barbie is this?"
"IT'S A
GUNDAM WING BARBIE STUPID! CHEESE AND RICE!" the voice yelled.
"Fine, you
**beep**hole," Girl B said and threw the Barbie at the camera and left the set.
"DON'T
CALL ME AN **beep**HOLE YOU LITTLE **beep**! Look, this is a fifty-dollar
commercial and we're nine million over budget! And I don't want to take another
take! Introduce the darn Barbies and go home!" the voice yelled at a girl A and
C, who flipped the camera off, which was blurred out (Don't ya just love
network television?).
Then in a
rush, the new cut of the commercial was made, some guy quickly said the names
of the dolls while the screen flashed a quick shot of each doll.
**End**
**Some
apartment on a tall building**
"Mommy! I
want Quatre!" A little girl said, pointing to her TV.
"You want
a **beep** homo for a doll? Time for your therapy." The mother said, dragging
the girl by the ankles down 7 flights of steps before reaching a NYC taxi.
"YAAAAAY!" the girl cried the whole time while being dragged down the stairs.
(Why was the mother letting her little girl watch Gourry with Naga on? I don't
know, it's New York I guess, it's a hell of a town…)
:: The
Crazy Author, AKA, Prettysammy007, steps in ::
Heh, now
its my turn to change the story…
**
Commercial 3 **
"Hi, I'm
Tom 2, a silly short robot, who is black and made of metal. And this is my girlfriend, Sally, or I don't
know her name, she's a computer, and we have to cyber in order to—well, you
know. Anyways, watch Toonami, because
Cartoon Network has to make money somehow.
We FINALLY figured out that people want Outlaw Star back on, it took us
this long, because we are BAKAS! We are
such bakas, we don't even know what baka means! :: Brak comes and blows up the ship, 20 minutes later, you see
Tom's head floating about 50 feet away from his body. ::
"That
**beep** hole promised me a bologna sandwich, and never gave me it! Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to
blow up Cartoon Network for canceling my show!" :: Brak speeds away, singing "I'm a cucumber" ::
**Commercial
4 **
Fred walks
onto a stage
"I love
Gene."
Fred walks
off the stage, and the commercial is over.
** At
Starwind and Hawking **
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Jim is laughing and pointing at Gene.
"No, he
must mean a different Gene." Gene stuck
his tongue at Jim.
"Nyaa… I
think its you!" Aisha sat on the steps,
playing her game. Suzuka walks in, and
laughs at Gene.
"What?" Gene asks.
"I just…
saw it… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she took a deep breath.
"It was
shown all over Blue Heaven, on all the TVs, on every station!"
"Grrrr…"
::REAL
author comes in and shoves Prettysammy007 off a high cliff, "That should take
care of that," ::she looks down at PS007, "Thanks!" ::
**Back to
Gourry…**
"Welcome
back! Today we have Lina, her sister Luna, and Lina's former partner, Naga! So
tell me ladies, how did this all start?" Gourry said first into the camera and
then to the three women on stage.
"You've
asked us that twice already, do we need to explain it all to you again? I'm
pretty sure the audience understands this better than you jellyfish brains."
Lina exclaimed.
"Um,
you'll need to explain it to me again," Gourry confessed and the three women
all fell over.
"Don't
make me Dragon Slave you!" Lina yelled.
"Calm down
Lina, yelling isn't very becoming." Luna scolded.
"I've had
enough of you bossing me around!" Lina yelled.
"Well,
Gourry, it all started like this: " Naga began, "I was busy minding my own
business in a small village, when I heard an explosion."
"Uh huh,"
Gourry uttered.
"And
before I knew it, I was grabbed by the wrist by Lina here and we never went
back to that town. Apparently Lina here has some sort of reward on her head
there."
"I do not!
That story's a bunch of bull plop Gourry! Here's my side: I was busy making a
spell to make rubies out of ordinary rocks so that we could sell them for
money, when Luna dumped sawdust all over it!
It exploded and I flew out of the little area in the woods where Luna
and I were doing the spell."
"I did not
DUMP on that sawdust!" Luna exclaimed angrily, "I tripped on your stupid
armor!"
"No, you
dumped it on, besides, this is my story, you had your chance, sister! Anyway, I
was flying out of the little area and I land face down in a dirt road, miles
from any sort of village, and here along comes Naga, dancing and prancing
along, and STOMPS ON MY HEAD!"
"I did not
stomp on your head!" Naga yelled.
"Well it
sure felt like it to me goldfish **beep** for brains!" Lina yelled in Naga's
ear.
" SHUT UP
THE BOTH OF YOU!" Zelgadis yelled and marched up on stage. He grabbed Naga and
threw her into the back wall. "That should make her shut up…continue on."
Gourry
sweatdropped and then waved to the camera, begging for another commercial
break.
"We'll be
right back with Filia, the Golden Dragon Priestess, and Xelloss, some guy she
hates with a passion, next on Gourry!" the announcer guy said.
**Commercial
6**
A dark
stage with a spotlight appears. Relena steps into the spotlight. "I love you
Heero, I am hot for you." she says and leaves the light.
**At
Heero's house**
::POW!::
Heero has shot his TV.
Duo walks
in, his arms full of Hot Topic bags.
"Dammit
Heero, do you know how long it took me to get Relena into that TV? I had to
convince her that you keep your underwear in there, and she dove in. Huh, I
didn't know she was that stupid." Duo muttered and left for his room to try on
his new spiked choker.
**Commercial
7**
A guy that
looks like that Jeopardy guy is staring straight into the camera.
Sssssssssstttttttaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
"Play The Loser Game and win. Because Losers, do win on the Loser Game." The
guy then prances away merrily and rolls into a grassy knoll where all the Care
Bears welcome him and they dance around singing stupid songs. Suddenly, Prettysammy007, with casts on her
left arm, and right leg, shoots them all and waves to the camera.
**Commercial
8**
A lively
band starts to play a jazzy song, onto a stage walk Misato and Asuka.
"Tokyo 3,
its one hell of a town, the buildings come up when the angels go down! NERV is
somewhere under the ground!" Misato and Asuka sing.
"Tokyo 3."
Misato solos.
"Tokyo 3"
Asuka sings alone.
"New York,
New York!" some random sailor guy sings.
::CRUNCH::
Eva Unit 02 crushes the guy. "Dammit! New York doesn't even exist anymore
stupid! What an idiot!" Asuka yells and Eva 02 steps away, revealing sailor
pancake.
"Come and
see Neon Genesis Evangelion, the Musical, written and directed by Gendo Ikari.
Starring Ikari Shinji and Ayanami Rei! Coming soon to a theater near you!" some
announcer guy declares.
**Now,
back to Gourry**
"Ok! Next
we have Filia Ul Copt, a Golden Dragon Priestess, let's welcome her to the show
everyone!"
A guy
wheels Filia onto the stage, she has her arm in a cast and bandages all around
her head and body.
"Holy
**beep** Filia, what happened to you?" Lina exclaims.
"Namagomi
no baka. The little cockroach man. That
filthy thing is going to pay." Filia muttered.
"You mean
Xelloss, right Filia?" Gourry asked.
"YES I
MEAN THAT NAMAGOMI! ARE YOU BRAINDEAD OR SOMETHING, MORON?!" Filia yelled at
Gourry and nearly tackling him, but was held back by Zelgadis.
"Oh we
have a question from one of our audience members." Gourry says and walks up to
the man.
"Hay, miz
Nawga you sure got some purty boobies thar. Can I tuch em?" the man asks,
making Lina, Luna and Naga fall over. (He's a redneck, what can I say? Horny,
stupid and poor, what else could he ask?)
"NO!" Naga
yells and summons a golem, which chases the redneck man all over the set.
"Anybody else wanna touch my breasts?" Naga yelled and all the men's hands (and
a few of the women's) went down in the audience.
"All
right, since there seems to be no more questions, for Naga, we'll bring out our
next guest."
"Uh,
Gourry, we don't have time to bring out Xelloss, he's STILL in makeup." A
stagehand mumbles to Gourry.
"What?"
Gourry was confused.
"We're
afraid he'll break all the cameras if he comes out now." The stagehand said.
"Well,
then get another guy to impersonate Xelloss." Gourry said.
"Ok,
you're the boss." The stagehand said and disappeared backstage.
"Ok, why
don't we take a call from one of our viewers at home?" Gourry suggested, he
waited for a signal from Amelia, who was running the switchboards, which were a
disaster.
"Mr.
Gourry, I can't seem to get any callers!" Amelia whined and Zelgadis fell over,
he then rushed to a phone and dialed the show."
"I have
one!" Amelia declared, and put it through.
"Hello
caller 1, what is your name?" Gourry asked.
"Zelgadis
and I QUIT!" Zel roared, lightning popped up all around him as he laughed
evilly.
"Why don't
we just wrap it all up now?" Lina suggested, "I'm sick of looking at these two
pathetic things and I'm hungry."
**Time for
Gourry's Final Thoughts?** (What final thoughts? He doesn't have a brain!)
"Um, what
was I supposed to say?" Gourry asked the camera. "Oh yeah. I think that Naga
has bigger boobs than Lina and that I should give the Sword of Light to her,
but then hanging around her might get too annoying, so I think I'll stick with
Lina, though her sister is cute…"
"DRAGON
SLAVE!" Lina yelled and the entire set exploded.
"Yup,
sticking with Lina all right…." Gourry said and passed out, all dizzy-eyed. @_@
End.
Ok, yes,
making fun of network television can be fun. I don't own any of the characters
or products mentioned in this story, except for Ricky Simpson and his Diet
Plan, he's my take on Richard Simmons, who I don't own…(if I did, I'd put him
out of his misery…) The redneck guy is mine too. Why? Well, he's a redneck and
I own him, so there. Nope, I don't own Brak, that Tom robot and his computer
lady thing, yet I wish that they would die (except Brak, who rules!). If I did
own any of these characters I'd move my butt to Japan, buy lots of Pocky and
sushi and live in a grassy knoll where all my fave bishies would frolic and
dance with me and eat pocky and sushi with me all day long! (I have no life
whatsoever…)
Minor
explanations:
1.
This is not a real number, don't call it, you might get a
phone sex line or something, and that is gross, unless you're into that kind of
thing…and if you are, you make me sick, you pervert who can't get any…ha ha!
2.
Ok, yes Lina is like the producer of the show and is a
guest. How? I dunno, I got stuck. Amelia is the writer, talent coordinator and
phone girl. Zelgadis was a bouncer and quit, because he was sick of Naga and
her huuuuge jumblies. Gourry is dumb, I'll leave it at that. Luna helped save
the world by turning into a cat and bossing around Sailor Moon. Why? I'm just
weird, animes sometimes cross over in my little fantasy world. Naga posed for
Playboy, and that issue became the best-selling issue of all time. Filia went
home and took a nap. Xelloss never made it out of make up. Val-gaav went to
Disney World and blew it up and disappeared off the face of the earth forever.
By now you
are:
A. Laughing
from the story.
B. Laughing
very hard from the story.
C. Wondering
if I escaped from a mental institution.
D. Plotting
to take over the minds of all the world leaders.
E. Wondering if
you can be my friend because I am crazy.
Choose wisely your answer, as you may only have 3
or less. Four or more, you may eat some more.
**
Prettysammy007 walks onto the set.** HEY!
YOU DON'T OWN ME! ** A giant
rock falls on her, and she picks it up, and throws it at the remains of the
Care Bears, and the Jeopardy look-alike guy.**
End. Began
writing on July 6, 2001 and finished on July 17, 2001.
THE END!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
