Breathe
Disclaimer:
I do not own any of the character's you're about to read about. And apologies in advance for what is about to happen :/
Dedicated to:
As egotistical as it is to say this, but I dedicate this to myself.
For pulling through all that has been going on,
for getting back to what you love,
for not just thinking, but knowing that she'll never stop writing in the future,
good job, Rukagi. Good Job.
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I couldn't breathe.
I was at the heart of the heavy waters with no ground for me to stand on. My eyes stung when I opened them, the murky depths threatened to suck me in.
Arms rotating furiously, I used what strength I had left to reach the gray blob before finally lifting my head above the waters.
"Moron. If you're really going to swim in the ocean, at least remember to breathe."
Still disoriented from lack of air and water in my eyes, I looked around aimlessly while sucking in breaths of air, trying to find where the voice came from, until my gaze finally settled on a familiar shade of orange.
"Y-You were watching...?!" I exclaimed excitedly to an unamused Kyo-kun. "Was I really swimming?!"
Crouching on top of a protruding rock, there was an obvious air of annoyance around him. Though he was technically in the middle of the ocean, Kyo-kun was fully clothed, with a thin t-shirt, light jacket, and a pair of army green khakis, as he had no intention of swimming. He didn't like the water, and had already stated that multiple times before; it made him feel sick.
"Yeah, but that swim could have killed you." He sighed exasperatedly. "Listen to what I'm saying."
"I'll show you more swimming!" I shouted enthusiastically. I was swimming! I was actually swimming!
Thinking back, I never did well on any of the swimming lessons mom had signed me up for when I was small. Whenever we went to the pool, I would always stick close to mom, and although I understood the basics and theory behind swimming, I never got the hang of it. Mom would laugh when I tried to swim, and then her smile would turn into a frown of distress when I came up to the surface, choking and coughing up chlorine water.
Those were the days, I thought absentmindedly, looking back to shore where I had placed my belongings. But she's still here with me. Always.
Momiji-kun had been kind enough to invite me as well as the others to stay at the Sohma resort for summer break. Seeing how it was summer and we were staying at such a nice resort with a wonderful beach, of course swimming was one of the activities that he had planned for us.
The thought brought a smile to my face and I turned to direct my attention back at Kyo-kun. I should enjoy what time I have with them, I thought, looking up to a pair of bright orange eyes. That meant that as of right now, there should only be one thing on my mind: swimming.
Gathering up all of my energy as I prepared to start again, I declared enthusiastically, "I'll show you more swimming!"
As I prepared to leap back into the waves, a circle tube was placed over my head and suddenly, I was being pulled away.
"You don't have to! I'm telling you, you'll be kidnapped by the currents!" Kyo-kun yelled angrily, tugging me away from the currents and closer to shore. "Yo, Momiji! Teach her how to breathe!"
The expression on Kyo-kun's face, half angry that I was being so risky, yet also half amused that I still wanted to swim when I obviously couldn't, made me bubble out in laughter. "Ah ha ha ha!"
"Wh-What are you laughing about?!" He asked, surprised at my sudden outburst.
Deciding quickly that telling him I was laughing at his expression wasn't exactly the greatest idea, I settled for the second reason of my current wave of laughter. "This is so fun!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands out in excitement. "Whee!"
This time, there was no reaction from Kyo-kun, and it was only when I looked back at him did I realize that he had jumped into the water to stop me, soaking himself in the process.
"Oh! I-I'm sorry, Kyo-kun. Y-You're in the water...with your clothes on...!" I apologized abruptly, hands reaching out towards him; only this time, it was in an apologetic gesture. "A-Are you alright?!"
The corners of Kyo-kun's lips pulled up into a grin and the hint of playfulness in there only provided me a second of warning before he viciously spun the donut float I was in. "You want fun? I'll give you fun!"
"WAAAHH!" I screamed, half surprised half delighted. I was happily spinning around in circles, eyes closed to prevent myself from getting too dizzy, until a loud shriek of excitement tore me from my spinning dreamland.
"Tohru! I wanna turn, I wanna turn!" Momiji-kun cried as he swam to where Kyo-kun and I were, eyes lit up with anticipation.
"You want some of this, Squirt?"
Smiling at the two who were splashing water at each other, I slipped out of the swim ring and pushed it towards Momiji-kun. "Here Momiji-kun, you try! It's really fun!"
"Yay! Thanks Tohru!' squealed Momiji-kun as he agilely positioned himself inside the tube. "Push me Kyo, push me!"
"Gah, what am I, your servant?" Kyo-kun grumbled irritably, but his grin contradicted his tone of voice, and he pushed Momiji-kun until my eyes could barely follow all the spins that he was turning.
It's so nice how we can all have fun together here, I thought absentmindedly. The summer had passed all too quickly, and once again the upcoming school year loomed closer by the hour.
Taking longer breaths and straightening my back, I floated on the calm waters and stared at the clear blue sky, wondering about what the new school year was going to bring us.
Yuki-kun had accepted the position of student body president, so he'll have to shoulder a lot more responsibility this year. We all have the parent-teacher conferences coming up soon though, where we'll have to decide what we want to do after high school.
After high school…I'll have to move out, I realized sadly. I would've fulfilled the promise I made to mom ― to finish school ― and afterwards, I planned to go straight into the workforce. I would need to stop relying on everyone.
A wave of sadness came over me as I thought about returning to a small, foreign apartment with nobody to greet me when I got home. Everyone will be going their own ways.
I was so lost in thought I hadn't realized how the current had carried me further away from shore than I'd originally planned. The waves had become rougher, and I couldn't see any of the others from where I was.
Panic setting in, I righted myself and tried to swim ashore, but a large current caught hold of me, and before I could react, I was pulled under.
Up, I thought desperately as I kicked my legs in the water. I need air!
Just as I broke through the surface, a sharp pain in my right calf cut through my focus.
A cramp?! I thought, fear breaking my previous determination. No! Just a little bit more...
Bobbing up and below the surface again and again, I could feel fatigue settling into my limbs as I coughed up water from my lungs.
"Help…" I shouted feebly, my cry sounding like a mere whisper.
I couldn't find the strength in me to fight anymore. The murky depths threatened to suck me in again, and this time, I let it.
I closed my eyes as the darkness pulled me under.
.
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"Breathe! Come on Tohru, breathe!"
Somewhere, someone was calling for me. Who are you? I thought, my mind dizzy with fatigue.
I could feel someone pressing rhythmically down on my chest, firm and hard pushes aimed straight for my heart. Moments later, the hands came off and soft lips closed over my mouth as air was forced down my lungs, my nose pinched together to prevent the escape of any oxygen. Again, this process repeated, with the stranger shouting and me still unable to respond.
"Tohru? Tohru! No...please...Tohru."
I struggled against the darkness in my mind, attempting to reach out at that sad, sad voice.
I can't make that person sad, my mind thought, anyone but him.
As though the sudden realization gave me strength, I pushed back at the darkness, willing it away.
Abruptly, my eyes flashed open and I saw Kyo-kun's face above mine, felt his lips pressed onto mine as he breathed the air I needed into me.
I froze then, and when Kyo-kun pulled back, his worried face dissolved into one of relief.
"Tohru! How are you feeling?!" Kyo-kun said as his hands pushed back my wet hair. Treating me as though I was made of glass, he gently ran his hand down the side of my face, caressing my cheek softly.
"I'm…I'm okay." I replied, smiling up at him while unconsciously tilting my head deeper into his warms hands. It felt as though the warmth was radiating throughout my freezing body, and I wanted nothing more than for it to do exactly that.
"Are you hurt anywhere?" Kyo-kun asked as he continued to hover over me, checking my body for injuries with his free hand; his right hand never left my cheek, but whether he did it intentionally or unconsciously I did not know.
I just knew that I liked it. A lot.
"No, I'm not hurt." I answered quietly, my voice sounding raspy from swallowing so much salt water. I coughed then, and Kyo-kun looked alarmed once more.
"I-I'm okay." I managed between coughs as Kyo-kun helped me sit up, patting my back lightly. Tired and cold, I leaned onto his shoulder while he put his jacket over me to keep me warm. Carefully though, I noticed. He kept his right hand on the small of my back now, supporting me, and was careful about not hugging me, lest he transformed. "How…how did you find me?"
"You suddenly disappeared while I was handling Momiji. Do you know how scared we were? We split up looking for you, and when I saw someone struggling in the middle of the ocean…" Kyo-kun looked away, his eyes glazed over by pain and…shame?
I didn't like that, seeing him in pain. "It's okay." I said, "I'm okay. Don't worr―"
"Don't tell me to not worry!" Kyo-kun snapped suddenly, turning to stare at me with anger blazing in his vermillion eyes.
My eyes grew wide at Kyo-kun's rage. "I-I'm sorry Kyo-kun. I-I just ―"
"No! No…I'm sorry." He apologized, the wrath in his voice seeming to give way to defeat. He looked away from me again, hanging his head so I could not see the expression on his face. "I should've kept a better eye on you. I'm sorry…"
"No…please don't apologize." I said, smiling as I put my hand on his cheek. "Instead, say 'You're welcome', because thank you Kyo-kun. Thank you for saving my life."
He looked at me then, his orange eyes boring in mine as I watched a flutter of emotions pass through them. They finally settled on something then - gratitude, was it? - and his lips pulled up into a grin. "Geesh, I can never win against you, can I?"
"Win?" Although I was happy to see him smile, my brows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?"
Kyo-kun only sighed, bringing my hand down from his cheek. "Never mind. Don't worry about it."
"Oh...okay." I relented, my mind slightly distracted by the fact that his hand didn't leave mine after he brought it down to rest on my lap. I licked and bit at my salt-dried lips as I tried to figure out what he meant.
Upon touching my lips, I was reminded of something else though, and my face blushed as I hesitantly asked, "Just now, did you…?"
"Did I what?" He repeated, clearly confused by my sudden change in topic. I guess he realized where my question was heading when he saw the slight blush on my cheeks, and noticed me nibbling on my lips. His face flushed red and he scrambled to come up with a coherent explanation. "Sorry! I didn't ― I mean, it wasn't ―"
"Tohru!"
"Honda-san!"
Shouts from the distance cut off Kyo-kun's flustered response; I never got to hear what he had to say. Hearing the sound of their voices, he quickly pulled his hand away, and I dropped mine to rest it against my side as well.
Momiji-kun, Yuki-kun, and Hatsuharu-san came rushing, worrying over me just as Kyo-kun said they would be.
"Tohru! What happened? Are you okay?" Momiji-kun asked, hovering around me with a worried look on his face.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." I replied, patting him on the head and hoping my smile would reassure him. "I didn't realize how far out I was getting and my leg cramped up as I was trying to swim back. Thankfully Kyo-kun was there, and he brought me to shore." I think, I mentally added. I wasn't about to tell them that I blacked out in the middle; no need to cause them more distress.
A sudden surge of panic flooded through me though, as I realized Kyo-kun might tell them that I'd been in a lot more trouble than I'd said I was, needing his CPR after nearly drowning.
As though he knew I was about to shoot him a look in a plea for silence, I felt a small pat on my back as Kyo-kun spoke, "Yeah, she swallowed some water, but otherwise I think she's okay now. Just cold and dehydrated."
He went along with my story, I thought, my eyes tearing up a little. It was a small thing really, but just the fact that the usual Kyo-kun would've gotten mad at me for belittling what happened...In that instant I was so happy at his indulgence for me.
Thank you.
"Tohru? What's wrong?" Momiji-kun asked. Seeing the glistening in my eyes, his eyes opened even wider. "Are you hurting anywhere? Why are you crying?"
Kyo-kun and Yuki-kun both looked at me in alarm, but before they could start with their questions, I quickly cut in. "No, I'm okay. Just...tired I guess."
I could feel the tension ease from Kyo-kun's body, and I realized how true my words were, probably for the both of us. "I'm not in pain or anything." I reassured them again, "Just tired."
"Alright," Yuki-kun began, standing up and patting himself off from where he was knelt down beside me before. "let's get her back first. She needs rest."
"I'll carry her." Kyo-kun said, his arms already curling around me.
"Wait!" I shouted involuntarily.
He froze then, and pulled away quickly. "Oh uh, sorry…if you don't want me to, then we could get ―"
"No, I mean uh, you can't because…won't you transform if you hold me?" I fumbled to explain my sudden outburst; even I didn't understand why I acted that way so suddenly.
"Stu― I know! I was gonna take Haru's jacket and use it as a barrier between us, along with my jacket."
"Well, we could have Tohru turn Haru into an ox and he could carry her on his back." Momiji-kun suggested, grinning at a nonchalant Hatsuharu.
"Where do you find an ox on a beach?" Kyo-kun retorted. "We'll attract too much attention!"
"But―"
"No," Yuki-kun cut in, placing his hands between the two arguing boys. "as much as I hate to say this, Kyo is right. The priority right now is to get Honda-san home so that she can rest, and we can't attract attention if we want to do that."
"Fine." Momiji-kun mumbled as Hatsuharu-san handed his jacket to Yuki-kun.
It was kind of awkward, the way Kyo-kun had to carry me. To prevent him from transforming, he placed both his and Hatsuharu-san's jacket between us, and had to maintain a distance between my body and his chest.
It must be difficult, I thought, my face frowning at the dilemma, but Kyo-kun didn't utter a word of complaint. Instead, he'd look down at me every now and then to make sure I was alright. Other than that, he averted his gaze.
About halfway back to the summer house, I asked him, very quietly, why he was straining his neck to look away. I hadn't even gotten through half the question after an apology first before he interrupted, "Don't say sorry. It's got nothing to do with you, it's just ―"
He broke off then, and looked away once more, but I could see the redness creeping into his cheeks and I realized that family members aside, this must've been the closest any girl has been to him.
He's embarrassed, I laughed quietly at the realization. I'd never seen this side of Kyo-kun before, flustered and shy; I liked it.
"Stop laughing," He scowled, his eyes still refusing to meet mine.
Struggling to make a composed face, I aimed to frown as I apologized. "Sorry Kyo-kun, I didn't mean anything by it, it's just that ―"
My lips twitched, and I couldn't hold back the smile forming on my face once more. "Sorry," I repeated, "it's too cute."
"You shouldn't be the one saying that, y'know?" He mumbled, making it my turn to look away and blush.
I love him, I realized, feeling shy as I said the words aloud inside my head. I had fallen in love with Kyo-kun.
I loved how he hated when I accidentally put leeks in my dishes, because despite his complaints, he still ate them up. I loved how he puts up a harsh front and fights with everyone else all the time, because I understand now that it's just how he gets along with people. And I loved how he was always kind and caring towards me, cheering me up when I felt down.
I sneaked a peek at him as he carried me now, unaware of the feelings I harbor for him. I must not let him find out, I thought determinedly. I didn't want to make things awkward between us, or for any of our friends.
Closing my eyes, I leaned onto his strong arms and settled with this warmth right now; it'll have to be enough.
He'll never know.
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Throughout the course of the next day, everyone dropped by at different times to visit me and despite the fact that I felt perfectly fine by noon and insisted on making lunch, they all forced me to stay in bed.
"Really, don't worry about it, Tohru-kun." Shigure-san said while visiting with Hatsuharu-san and Yuki-kun. "You've always been the one worrying and taking care of them. It's not so bad to let them shoulder what you do every now and then."
"But Shigure-san, I―"
"Honda-san, it's alright." Yuki-kun smiled at me. "Please let us worry about you and take care of you right now."
"If you don't recover properly, some people will be very restless." added Hatsuharu-san.
"...Okay," I sighed in defeat. I knew when a battle had been lost. "But if any of you need help, please just ask."
"Alright!" Shigure-san agreed cheerfully. "I'm sure we will at some point, what with Yuki's cooki―"
He didn't get a chance to finish his sentence as Yuki-kun sent him flying to the door with a swift back-hand punch.
"We'll be fine Honda-san. Rest well." Yuki-kun said, his smiling face not changing one bit as he and Hatsuharu-san rose and left to make lunch, dragging a knocked-out Shigure-san behind them.
Throughout the rest of the day, there were sounds of yelling, crying, complaining, and the clattering of pots and pans.
At least it doesn't seem like anything is exploding, I thought, chuckling to myself.
Bored out of my mind, I was just about to head downstairs to offer some help in making dinner when a knock came.
"Come in." I said, hastily slipping back into bed.
The door opened to reveal Shigure-san and Yuki-kun, who had an uncomfortable look on his face.
"Tohru-kun? How are you feeling now?" Shigure-san asked, walking up to sit in the chair beside my bed. Yuki-kun said nothing, and stayed by the door.
Something's off, I thought to myself. Although Shigure-san was smiling, there was an unmistakable tension in the air.
"I'm feeling great. There really is no need for me" I replied, hoping that Yuki-kun's disheartened behaviour wasn't because of worry for me.
"Ah, that's good to hear." Shigure-san said. "Akito-san wishes to see you. Would you like to come to the guest house with me?"
Curious, I cocked my head to one side. "Me? Akito-san would like to see me?!"
"Yes," Shigure-san confirmed, yet although his face still smiled, I suddenly felt a chill down my spine. "You can get dressed first. We'll wait outside and lead you there after."
"Sure…" I trailed, my voice becoming hesitant when I saw Yuki-kun shoot me a look of worry. Surely nothing bad was going to happen, right? I was only going to greet the head of the Sohma family, Akito-san, since I'd never formally met him yet.
I hadn't realized that I should have been more concerned about why Yuki-kun was acting weirdly. His behaviour was as though someone was going to die.
He was right.
I did.
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I was taken into a large room, one that could have been separated by several sliding doors but all were open to create a space that resembled more of a hallway than a room.
Akito-san had his hand resting on Kyo-kun's shoulders when I walked in behind Shigure-san and Yuki-kun. I didn't understand why I was summoned, but one step into the room and already the atmosphere was thick with tension.
Something bad was going to happen; I knew it. My instincts were telling me to leave but my mind was determined to brave through the situation at hand.
I should have listened to my instincts.
"Hello Tohru-san." Akito began, breaking the silence. "Do you know why I've called you here today, when I was only supposed to meet those who are special?"
He twisted the last word in a way that sent shivers down my spine and, afraid that I might say something wrong, I simply shook my head.
"Considering how long I've allowed you to live with what's mine, I thought I'd be even nicer to let you see the little monster before he's locked away forever." Akito-san explained as he walked around Kyo-kun, stopping when he reached the other side only to rest his chin on the now-tense shoulders of Kyo-kun, with a sly smile spreading across his face.
"M-monster?" I repeated hesitantly, my voice shaking in spite of myself.
"Yes, my poor little monster. See, he wasn't able to win the bet we had going and considering how he wasn't going to win anyways, I thought I'd be nice enough to bring him in earlier so he can get comfortable in that room."
"Room? What room?" I asked, shooting a nervous look at Kyo-kun. He looked down at the wooden floor though, and did not show any sign that he'd notice my anxiousness.
"What, did no one tell you?" trilled Akito-san as he paused to laugh, glancing out the window. "Though I suppose it's only right…it's not like you need to know everything. But seeing as I'm such a generous person, I've decided to let you in on this little secret."
Before I could ask about what he was saying, Akito-san turned swiftly to look at me, and the menace in his eyes made my blood run cold.
"Kyo will be confined for life, just as the all the other cats that came before him. He'll stay with me in the Sohma estate until he dies."
My eyes grew wide and for a second, I thought my heart stopped.
"It's nothing to be surprised about." Akito-san continued, as if what he said earlier wasn't anything important. "Of course he'd come back to me, as will all of the other Juunishi eventually."
I looked towards Shigure-san and Yuki-kun, desperate for anything that tells me what Akito-san said was wrong. They only stood there, Shigure-san looking back at me with an emotionless face while Yuki-kun could only shoot me a sorrowful glance before looking away, his hands clenched into fists.
"You…you knew?!" I asked while backing away slowly from the people I would've gladly trusted my life with. Their silence confirmed my accusation, as well as what Akito-san had previously said.
They will all be prisoners, I realized. Prisoners of their own house, of Akito-san, and of the bond. The bond is what imprisons them. The bond…is actually a curse.
"It's bizarre...sinister...cursed."
Hatori-san had told me this before, a long time ago when we first met. He'd warned me, but it wasn't until this moment that I truly grasped what he had said.
I mulled over this new revelation in my head, trying desperately to think of a way to salvage the situation. I had to save Kyo-kun. The life that he's built here, how it's come to change him for the better…I couldn't let Akito-san take that away from him, or any of the others in the zodiac.
"Oh, and don't bother trying to stop us." Akito-san said, interrupting my thoughts. "Don't think of any conceited thoughts like he might stay for you or anything. He hates you. He said so himself." Akito-san said matter-of-factly.
This whole time Kyo-kun's head never once lifted. I couldn't see his expression at Akito-san's words, only that he had stiffened at certain times, and his hands were now balled into fists so hard that his nails must have drawn blood.
"Let's go. We're done here."
He paused for a moment longer as Akito-san already turned to leave, but after another second of hesitation, Kyo-kun turned stiffly to follow.
The moment Kyo-kun moved was when it really hit me, everything that was happening.
Locked away … monster… confined for life…
Hates you.
That last one hurt; it hurt so much, but I didn't care if he didn't love me. I just knew that I couldn't let Kyo-kun be taken away like this.
I hadn't been able to accept my feelings for him before, yet now that I finally had, he was being taken away from me.
Forever, echoed Akito-san's voice in my head. You will never see each other again.
I hadn't even said "I love you" yet.
"Kyo-kun!" I cried to his trailing figure, hands reaching forward desperately, only to be stopped by Shigure-san. I fought against the restraining hands feebly, trying and failing to free myself. As I shouted and shouted and shouted some more, Kyo-kun was already moving further and further away from me.
His hands paused on the sliding door and for the first time since I entered the room, he turned to look at me.
His eyes told me more than words ever could as we looked at each other for the last time.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Goodbye.
All too quickly, he turned away and shut the door behind him. Kyo-kun was gone.
"Why?" I choked out, with what little remaining voice I had as my legs gave way and I slumped to the ground. "Why didn't you help me protect Kyo-kun?"
Shigure-san was quiet while Yuki-kun finally came over from his side of the room to put a comforting hand on my shoulders.
Instead of bringing me comfort, I felt sick.
These hands were from members of his family, people who - no matter how much they fought and disagreed - were supposed to protect each other when there came a need to.
But they didn't. They didn't protect Kyo-kun.
I shook them off.
I couldn't think as my mind tried to wrap my head around what had just happened in the span of an hour. I had gone from realizing I loved Kyo-kun to losing him for the rest of my life. Those who I considered my friends and his family could not ― did not ― help him.
Shoulders hunched, I looked down, my hands clenched into fists as the waves of pain and loss surged over me again and again.
It felt like I was dying.
Trying to hold back the uncontrollable urge to sob, I gasped instead, my lungs tightening with the sharp, short intakes of breath.
I couldn't see, tears spilling over my eyes as the world spun, my only anchor the hand I used to grip my crushed chest.
I couldn't breathe.
.
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.
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Hi everyone! Long, LONG time no see!
I apologize for not publishing anything at all during 2013; life happened (aka, both awesome fun and sh*t happened), and so while I did work on this and other fics during 2013, sadly none of them were completed during that time.
Originally I had set a goal to publish this on Christmas of last year. When that didn't happen, I told myself "Aight Rukagi, if not Christmas, then New Year's!" Low and behold, that didn't happen either. Then I said Valentine's Day (which didn't happen), then after my finals during the first week of May (which didn't happen either) until finally I said, "Enough is enough! By the end of May for sure or else!"
Or else what you might ask? I have no idea. I'm technically only one day late this time, and it's because I didn't want to rush the finishing touches and editing, so hopefully there are less typos in this one (I got bored last week while working on this and reread a few fics, only to realize the horrible typos some of them contained. Do forgive me, as I shall update those soon.)
Also...I'M SORRY I'M RETURNING WITH ANGST. But as my first year roommate would say, "#sorrynotsorry". This was the fic that was closest to finishing and that I had more of a motivation/inspiration to write about, and so here it is. Honestly, I totally ship this pairing, so I don't know why I wrote this but it was an idea that hit me while I showered on October 29th, 2011 (yes, I keep track of when a story's inspiration first hits XD) so yea.
In any case, I'm glad I'm back :) I'm aiming to publish one story a month throughout this summer while juggling summer school and a full-time job, so wish me luck! I guess expect them on the first of each month? Who knows.
As always, reviews are much appreciated, because they let me know how bad/well I'm doing; that, and it tells me people actually read my stuff and like it enough to leave a comment/feedback/burst of feels(?)/I-don't-even-know.
Sorry about all the randomness in this author's note; I feel that my roommate has influenced me a lot during the past 8 months I've lived with her. Hopefully my style of writing hasn't changed too much.
See you in a month!
- Rukagi