Seymour Skinner: Well, Chalmers, I made it, despite your directions.

Gary Chalmers: Ah, Principal Skinner, welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.

Seymour: Meh

[Chalmers watches his roast go up in flames]

Chalmers: Oh, egods. My roast is ruined.

[Chalmers looks at Krusty Burger]

Chalmers: But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking. [laughs] Delightfully devilish, Gary.

[Chalmers begins to sneak out but Skinner catches him.]

[Theme Song] Chalmers with his crazy explanations, the principal is gonna need his medication. When he hears Chalmers' lame exaggerations, there'll be trouble in town tonight!

Skinner: GAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY!

Chalmers: Principal, I was just, uh, uh, just strecthing my cabs on the window sill. Isometric exercise, care to join me?

Skinner: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Gary?

Chalmers: Wha- Ooh, that isn't smoke, it's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmmmmm, steamed clams.

[Skinner leaves the room, Chalmers goes to Krusty Burger]

Chalmers: Principal, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers

Skinner: I thought we were having steamed clams.

Chalmers: Oh, no, I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

Skinner: You call hamburgers steamed hams?

Chalmers: Yes, it's a regional dialect.

Skinner: Aha, what region?

Chalmers: Ah, upstate New York.

Skinner: Really, well I'm from Uttica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase steamed hams.

Chalmers: Oh, not in Uttica, no, it's an Albany expression.

Skinner: I see.

[Chalmers and Skinner eat]

Skinner: You know these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

Chalmers: [laughs] No, patented Chalmers Burgers, old family recipe.

Skinner: For steamed hams?

Chalmers: Yes

Skinner: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact they are obviously grilled.

Chalmers: Well- You know th- One thing I sh- Excuse for one sec.

Skinner: Of course

[Chalmers goes into the kitchen which is on fire then comes back 1 second later]

Chalmers: [yawns] That was wonderful, good times was had by all, I'm pooped.

Skinner: Yes, I should be probab-

[Skinner witnesses the fire behind Chalmers]

Skinner: GOOD LORD, what is happening in there?!

Chalmers: Aurora Borealis

Skinner: Aurora Borealis?! At this time of year, at this time of day and this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?!

Chalmers: Yes.

Skinner: May I see it?

Chalmers: No.

[Skinner and Chalmers exit the house.]

Shauna: Dad, the house is on fire!

Chalmers: No, Shauna, it's just the northern lights.

Skinner: Well, Gary, you are an odd fellow, but I must say, you steam a good ham.

[Skinner leaves the house, completely unaware that Chalmers' house is on fire.]

Shauna: HELP! HELP!