Be Careful What You Wish For..
…because you just might get it all, and then some you don't want.
A/N: Yay my first post s4 fic! And it's pants. I give you Emo! Sam. Plus, I don't actually think that Sam would be thinking like this but it'd be interesting if he was…and sorry about my bad sentence structure and grammar. It's unbetad because it's exam time (Yay!) and I have a bio exam that I'm pretending to revise for.
The quotes are not mine and I got them from worldofquotes. My prompt for this was revenge hence the quotes. So the revenge parts are the quotes lol.
Feedback is not a must but I'd appreciate it!
When Dean had died and Sam had been all alone, he'd wished for two things. He'd wished that he could see his brother again, that he'd come back somehow. His second wish had been to get Lilith back. To kill her and punish her for what she'd done. He'd tried to so hard to make the first one come true. Told himself that he'd get Dean back no matter what. But nothing had come through, no deals were made. Nothing had gone his way. He ended up getting wasted, giving up hope…acting like a pathetic loser. Stumbling through life; raw pain eating away at him until he passed out. Just going through the motions, whatever the hell that meant. But underneath that broken exterior lay something deeper, something darker. He hadn't known that itwould change him forever, that he'd screw everything up. And that he'd let Dean down.
Revenge is sweeter than life itself. So think fools.
Sam watched as Ruby fell to the ground almost motionlessly. He'd barely been aware of the fact that he'd held her up as Dean had slammed the knife straight through her and twisted and turned it. He head had been to messed up to notice any fine detail. Sam was just trying to put the pieces together. It was all starting to make sense now. Ruby had lying to him all along. She'd played him like the fool he was. But that wasn't even the most important thing. He picked her over Dean and he didn't know if he could ever forgive himself. If Dean would forgive him. He'd been so bitter, so angry and desperate for revenge. He'd never let his guard down around anyone, except for her. He hadn't let his brother in, his own flesh and blood. The man, who'd died for him, spent his entire life protecting him, looking after him. And Sam had pushed him away, hurt him. How was he going to make it up to Dean? How could he make it up to Dean? Would Dean even give him a chance? 'Cause he sure as hell didn't deserve one. He didn't deserve Dean.
By taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy, but in passing over it he is superior.
Sam just wanted to curl up somewhere and die, but he couldn't even do that. Not when Dean had fought so hard to keep him alive. Now, he'd changed for good. He'd been through all of this just to kill Lilith. But there'd been no euphoria. No joy. Just a sense of fear and dread. You're doing it for Dean, for Dean. Because of what she did to him. Sure, that's what he'd told himself for months on end. But that didn't make it true. He'd gone after Lilith for himself and no one else. He'd been selfish and obsessed with getting revenge. Just like his Dad had been for all those years. Did it make them bad people? Or just men who'd been caught up in a battle that they'd never instigated? Sam didn't know, all he knew was that they'd both hurt Dean, they'd dumped everything on him but Dean had never left. He'd never left. It'd always been Sam walking away. John disappearing off to god knows where. No wonder Dean had flipped out when he found out about Adam. He'd said all that stuff about Dean not knowing him, he effectively walked out of Dean's life yet Dean had still come back for him.
Sam would have given anything to go back to that day in September when he'd seen Dean standing the doorway of that motel room. A chance to start over and take back all the lies and the secrets. But it was too late now, he'd started the apocalypse. He'd started it. But that wasn't what hit him hardest. It was the fact that he'd never really been trying to stop it. He'd just focused on stopping Lilith and he just assumed that they went hand in hand. But he was a hunter…he was supposed to be one step ahead of all those evil sons of bitches at all times, not miles behind. But he'd convinced himself that he was the only one who could stop the apocalypse. It almost made him laugh to think that in reality he'd been the only one who could start it.
He'd been so blind, he'd listened to her. The funny thing was the he'd never trusted her. Sam had been sure that he needed her. Half of the time he couldn't remember her reason for helping him. Something to do with Lilith…something about remembering what it was to be human. He hadn't really cared. She'd been there when he was broken and down. She'd saved his life. Why would she have done that if she was going to betray him? Ruby had been the only one who seemed to 'understand' how much killing Lilith meant to him. There'd been so much anger inside of him. Incandescent rage burning away at his soul. He'd needed an outlet, to get rid of all the anger and pain. A way to get rid of that feeling of inadequacy, that strong sense of failure. A chance to repair the hollowness inside him. Vanquish the pain caused by Dean's death.
***
It'd always been about what he wanted, what he needed. Sam had fallen so deep that it'd been easy to fool him, trap him. He'd turned himself into a freak, a monster. In a way he was just as bad as Lilith. How many innocent people had he killed just so he could be strong enough? Maybe he'd deserved all of this. But one thing remained clear; he couldn't run away from this or bury his head in the sand. He had to do the right thing. He had to put and end to what he'd started.
***
Revenge at first though sweet, Bitter ere long back on itself recoils
(John Milton, Paradise Lost [bk II IX l.171])
"He's coming"