I'm posting this and poss. the next chap as a bit of a holiday gift. Mostly, I was feelin' guilty that I don't have the next chap of 40 Weeks ready (it's like pulling teeth), and I had this on the back burner, so hopefully ya'll enjoy it!
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and situations are the property of Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
AH/OOC Unbeta'ed drabble fic.
Rated M for B's potty mouth and, you know, all the penis talk.
"The Dictionary of Man"
Chapter 1: Dick
BPOV
"Motherfuckin' vampire spooge. That's what my life is: ancient, rancid jizz right in the eye." I stood, dripping sweat onto the steaming asphalt, cursing whatever asshole deity let me decide that Texas in August was the perfect destination for a road trip. The Beast, my once trusty, rusty orange steed, had crapped out on some, apparently, deserted road and was now smoking from the hood.
To make my situation just that much better, I'd long run out of smokes, my cell was dead, and I had no clue where the hell I was. Map reading had not been a skill they taught us in nursing school. I gave an oversized tire a vicious kick before falling into a huddled, pain-wracked squat. Why me?
That was the moment I realized I was no longer alone.
"Need some help, ma'am?"
"Christ on a pogo stick! Where the fuck did you come from?"
His voice was low and whiskey smooth, and it drew me up and around as if I'd been lasso'ed. This should have been completely goddamn irrelevant, considering the fact that he'd appeared out of nowhere like some B-movie villain, and I no longer believed in good Samaritans or knights on white steeds. Preparing myself to jab him in the eye and scream like a banshee in the name of my nonexistent virtue, I stood, spinning in his direction, straight into a muscled chest.
Large, callused hands righted me and I looked up to meet dark blue eyes set in a puddle-inducing, tanned face.
"Hi," I breathed, swaying back toward him.
"Well hello, sugar." My white knight smiled down at me and pointed at a four-wheeler parked across the road. "I live about a mile that a'way; heard you cursin' up a storm as I rode by. The name's Peter."
"Peter."
He grinned. "Yes, ma'am. Last name's Whitlock. And you are, pretty lady?"
Oooh, he thinks I'm pretty! "Bella." I shook my head and straightened my shoulders inadvertently—cough—thrusting out my boobies. "I'm Bella Swan."
"Looks like you overheated. I've got some coolant back at the house."
"Oh no, that's not necessary." I flapped my hands at my face; man, I was certainly feeling...warm. "Can I just use your phone to call AAA?"
He rolled his eyes and started herding me toward his four-wheeler. "Now, don't insult my manliness sugar. No need to shell out a buncha money, when I can take care of you just fine."
I scowled and fidgeted in irritation at my damp Fruit of the Looms. He was hot, but he obviously shared the same Mr. Fix-it philosophy as the other men in my life. It usually involved wrapping duct tape around whatever broke and puffing out their chest in pride. "Look buddy, I don't know you from the friendly neighborhood pedophile. What makes you think I'd go anywhere with you?"
"Well, if that's how ya feel, I can understand. I'm a real sensitive kinda guy."
I snorted, but he politely ignored me and continued on. "So, I could give my neighbor Garrett a call if you want. He's a real good person."
I breathed a sigh of relief. My Daddy always said that there's safety in numbers. "That sounds—"
"Just ignore the lazy eye, he don't mean nothin' by it. And I hope you ain't offended by nudity. You see, Gare's a real big fan of freedom of expression and he prefers to express himself by lettin' his dick hang free. I really admire him for openin' himself up to criticism like that. I mean he ain't exactly packin' the heat if ya know what I mean."
I shuddered and stomped up to his ride.
"So," he said with a sly smile. "Should I give him a call then?"
Plopping my ass down, I did my best to pretend like this had been my plan all along. As I pressed myself against his back, I had only one thought.
He was sexier than anyone had a right to be...but why did all men have to be such dicks?
A/N: Alright ladies and gents, here's the deal. These chapters will remain shorties, posting as quickly as I can write them, sort of a brain cleanse and an exercise in brevity for me. Some will be as short as 100 words, others larger, but I'm going to try to keep every one under 1,000.
And I could totally use ya'll's help. Now, I know a lot of different ways to say the word dick, but I'm looking for more, the more creative the better. If you come up with one that I haven't seen before and I use it, I'll give you credit in the chapter.
So, what do we think about our foul mouthed Bella and her White Knight (and his manliness)?
Next Time: Purple-helmeted Warrior of Love