Disclaimer: All characters belong to the BBC, I own nothing. A special thank you to Questionablyinsane who did an unquestionably good job of beta'ing this for me. If you'd like to leave a review I'd love to hear what you think, thanks! A/N: Had some issues with the correct document, sorry if you read this when first posted I'd somehow submitted the first draft! No one should have to read that, I think all is well now though! Also, credit for the title goes to artist Daughter for it is a line from her song, 'Landfill.' For me it is the perfect Luc/Eddi song, do check it out!
"And believe me I really hate you."
He watched as she stormed off with a wobble to her step taking with it any impetus of strength and anger. It made the situation even sadder, for he believed Eddi to be so strong and so passionate. He'd seen it in her work, in her interaction with patients, her response to a moral dilemma. Always on the side of the right thing even when it wasn't strictly in their job description, always the first to tell him when she thought he was wrong. He loved it when she challenged him, provoked him and often annoyed him. She knew how to get a rise out of him and often would. Yet here she was, in a mess with drugs and alcohol. This fiery demeanor paled in comparison to the real her.
"You did this to me!"
Her words echoed and buzzed in his mind like a swarm of angry bees and as he shoved his hands in his suit pockets and trudged after her, he was finding it hard to deny.
The whole damn thing was such a mess; he had not lied when he'd told her all those months ago that he didn't know how to do 'this'. That the concept of responding to another person like this, sharing himself with them was completely foreign to him. But the desperation in his voice had told him as well as her that he might just want to try.
So his first little disappearing act had been forgiven because she'd trusted him, she had given him the benefit of the doubt, that he would figure out how to do this and not hurt her. So he'd responded by accepting the full time job without, at first, any feelings of being held back. He'd responded instinctually and it felt right. Even the key which should have petrified him; its connotations of locked doors and prisons cells loud and clear, didn't. It had helped greatly when she'd given it to him on the premise that his bed was completely uncomfortable. She knew him so well, she'd kept the act mundane, free of any hint of serious commitment - It was just a key, no big deal, don't lose sleep over it. But he knew it was so much more than that, they were so much more than that.
He trailed behind her down the street unable to face any more of her cutting remarks, or worse her loud verbal protests which would attract unwanted attention and do him no favours, as a man pursuing a woman in Eddi's state would not reflect well upon him. She continued to stumble along, walking into a bike stand and although she managed to correct herself, it wasn't hard to tell she was drunk.
Several people glanced around and couple of men addressed her,
"Are you alright love? Need a taxi calling?"
"I don't need anything from you, you perverts!" She yelled angrily.
Clearly taken aback they made some remark that Luc didn't catch but could guess at and walked on.
He held his breath as she neared a pedestrian crossing. The light was red but she decided, in a state of poor judgement, that she had enough time to cross in front of an approaching car. It was a close one, and after crossing safely himself, he decided enough was enough.
"Eddi at least let me walk you home"
She spun around,
"Are you following me now? What do you want Luc, why are you still here? I just yelled at you, told you I hate you: you're supposed to go away! You know you really are creepy sometimes, the thing with Max's hair, which even though you were right and he was a complete dick, was just weird. And now you're following me like you're my keeper, like you can protect me from everything. Well you can't, you haven't!"
He sighed, choosing to ignore her little outburst,
"Believe it or not I'm trying to make sure you don't get yourself killed." She rolled her eyes, about to accuse him of being a spoilsport and over reacting or something, but he continued "If you like I could just go straight to the ED now and wait for you there because if you keep this up that is where you're going to end up."
"What do you care anyway?" She whispered staring far away.
"Apparently I don't, so let me not care and then we can get in this taxi and you can go home safely." One had just pulled up outside a pub not 20 metres away and a couple, presumably husband and wife got out.
He went over to check the cab was free and after a brief conversation of which the outcome was that it wasn't, Luc turned back to Eddi. There was no sign of her. Dread filled his stomach but mostly he couldn't believe how ridiculous and disastrous it had all become. He ran a hand through his cropped hair in frustration. He looked around, knowing she couldn't have gone far without some sort of commotion.
He extracted his mobile phone with the vague notion of help, but he stared at it blankly. There was no one he could call, no one who would understand. Everyone at the hospital was at the wedding, and Sacha didn't deserve to be brought into this. It was his wedding day and he'd already been in the firing line, caught up in this car crash of cause and effect. He'd lost a guest and his best man, and so the last thing he needed now was more involvement. He had his own life now, a new wife, a new start and his own problems. Luc was on his own, the person he needed most was the person he needed to help, all because of him.
"Mate, if you're looking for that girl you were with she headed down that way, I saw her pop into the offy. Not that she needs anymore by the look of her."
He looked up at his addresser; the man of the couple who got out of the taxi was stood waiting on the corner outside a pub.
"Okay, thanks."
After a search around the off licence which proved fruitless he continued down the street. Coming to a bridge he stopped. The dread in his stomach twisted and pulled at his gut, he couldn't see her and she could be anywhere now: he'd failed. He tried to reassure himself that she'd probably get home and be okay. After all, she had all those other times. But it didn't sit well, his innate urge to fix things moving restlessly along inside him as well, and it would not cease until he knew she was safe.
He stared out into the canal, arms braced on the wall. A movement on the canal bank caught his eye: a gleam of a bottle, a figure crouched down outlined in shadow unclear through the light of the dull afternoon.
Eddi sat leant against a tree staring out into the water, the bottle lying redundant at her side. It was almost full, he noted. The Doctor in him dreaded to see her blood alcohol content and the state her liver would be in but at least he'd found her.
She didn't say anything when he approached and he missed it, his love of her feisty personality aching again.
"What really gets me" she rasped after a while, a listless tone to her voice "is that you haven't even tried to apologise, to suck up or anything like that."
He frowned,
"Would it help?"
She studied him
"No" she conceded.
A silent "well then" hung between them.
Darkness was beginning to fall when her head lulled as her eyes closed, and he quietly gathered her to him and took her home.
He made her comfortable and took care to tuck in all the edges so that she was enveloped in warm, safe, clean sheets. He lamented that she was safe and peaceful for now but that it would only be a fleeting state. He couldn't help but brush a strand of hair away from her face, and was reminded of the last time he'd done that. What a contrast that had been, he could barely believe it had been real.
He looked around this space that he called home, where so many pivotal moments of their relationship had happened. It had been the place where they'd become lovers, the place where they'd been happy and it had been the place where he'd decided to run. Living in a motor home flitting from place to place did not tell of a man who had experience of stability. A mixture of upbringing, genes and inevitability he guessed all contributed to why he'd ran.
It was far easier to keep moving never having to face consequences, never resting in one place enough to truly connect with anyone. When he'd returned home that night, when he stopped and saw what his home was like with the presence of another: the unmade bed, the faint smell of sex and female deodorant, and the sight of her flat key in his hand it had hit him that he was so very out of his depth. The reality of it all had come crashing down around him like a tidal wave, and he had bolted despite everything he'd promised her.
By the time he realised it wasn't Eddi herself he wanted to run from it was too late. Because if he went back he knew she'd never forgive him. So at first, he did what he did best, and ignored the situation because it was the only option he knew of. Other possibilities were uncharted terrority. But he had returned, and once again entered the murky waters where love and hate were much the same, and Eddi was with someone else and was eating painkillers like they were sweets. He'd come back on the pretense of gathering up his research, but he knew deep down it was as a result of the phone call from Sacha. The clear concern in his voice had propelled him to action. The fact he'd deviated from his usual response, made clear to Luc his feelings regarding the young, quirky, senior nurse on AAU.
And now here they were, with Eddi asleep whilst he kept vigil. It was the first time he'd seen her at peace in months; the only time she'd been in his presence without a look of disgust, scorn or hatred etched on her features.
"It's toxic this Luc."
She had been right; they argued and fought and threw catty little comments, and agreed and worked together and loved, all in equally dangerous measures.
He had no idea how much longer this could go on for, but he knew there was no way he could leave her without her knowing how he felt, despite and in spite of everything. But for now, he would wait.