Once Upon A Hetare
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this fanfic belong to me. The following is a fanmake parody, nothing more and nothing less. Thanks much, and enjoy!
9 p.m., Freeman residence
Huey and his brother Riley, after getting their preparations for bed on a Friday night, walked into their shared bedroom.
Riley flopped onto his bed. "Sheesh, I need to miss out on a LOT after dark?"
Huey opened up a book lying down on his. "You'll get your chance…Ten years from now."
"Waitin's a b*tch…All those other ni**as are livin' it up at Thugnificent's pad."
"Just shut up and get to rest. Granddad ain't got all night…" Suddenly Huey looked over to one of the walls. "Say, you hear something?"
Riley looked to where his brother's head was facing. "What?"
Voices were heard behind the wall, each of them having an accent of some sort.
"Ack! America, get your bloody elbow off my chest, I can't breathe!"
"I can't, dude! Russia's ass is in the way!"
"Nyet, it's not like I'm fat or anything."
"Oogh, so cramped! But at least I'm next to China here~…"
"Get any ideas and I'll bash your face in-aru!"
Huey walked over and somehow uncovered a sheet on the wall that unveiled the five personified countries that were the Allies, all of them bunched up inside the wall.
Britain deadpanned. "Brilliant…Of all the buildings around here, we had to be stuck in THIS one."
"How'd you white b*tch-ass people get inside our wall?" Riley asked with a raised eyebrow.
Huey crossed his arms. "Take a hike. You don't wanna cause an uproar for our Granddad."
America moved around more, still poking Britain with his elbow. "Hey, Huey, have you ever considered getting off that pessimistic look on life?"
"Dammit, you twit! You're in no position to explain anything!" Britain snapped at him, twitching his leg which was on top of France. "Now if you will all just give me patience, I'll be happy to tell them the story."
"About time we's gonna get something to keep this from bein' a borin' night," Riley stated, paying attention to them.
"Alright, lads, it all started when…" Britain began, but was interrupted by America.
"Oh, COME ON! Russia's vodka scent's rubbing off on me!"
"Ugh, we're getting nowhere…" China grunted.
"You don't know story-telling like moi," France said to the other Allies, "I'll have you know Jean Valjean grabbed a million's attention!"
"Are you saying that MY literature's no better?" Britain retorted.
"BO-ring," America lowered his eyes.
"Yeah, ni**a, this is buzz-kill!" Riley told them.
"See, my citizen's got your number, Iggy," America smirked at Britain, who's eyes had their usual white glare.
"Listen to me and my total hero story!"
A flashback occurred where America was at a road where a thick tree was blocking the way.
"I was doing my usual hero stuff, helping those who respect me in need."
The spectacled 19-year-old lifted the tree up with his superhuman strength and heaved it out of the way, but when it landed, it crushed the nearby Jan Valentine and Kazuharu Fukuyama.
"F***********CK!" Jan coughed out blood.
"WHY ME? WHYYYYY?" Fukuyama yelped in pain.
"It's your faults for abusing the F-word and being allergic to men!" America talked back at them, putting his hand on his hip with pomposity.
"Seeing that my job here was done, I headed on over to a quaint hamburger store to fuel up my hunger."
America was at the said location, where a few other characters were shown.
"Yo! What's up, dudes?" He said in a cheery tone.
"HEY! Where's Uncle Sam?" Freakazoid demanded.
"He's right here," America said proudly, jabbing his thumb to himself.
"Good one," Freakazoid replied, sitting back down.
Toriko, Monkey D. Luffy, Aisha Clan-Clan and Son Goku were sitting at a big table, each of them having an absurd pile of hamburgers in front of them.
"America! Just in time," Toriko grinned to him, "We need a fifth guy to take part in this eating contest!"
"No way I'm gonna lose to the Gourmet Hunter," Aisha smirked.
"Isn't it funny how our alien races can handle this much food?" Goku asked her. "Not that I'm complaining!"
"You're all on!" America adjusted his glasses and sat down in front of the hamburger pile on his end.
"I bet I can eat all these and save room for meat!" Luffy goofily grinned.
With that, the eating contest commenced, all five of them munching and/or taking a burger in one bite.
Back in present time…
"THAT DIDN'T EXPLAIN A SINGLE DAMN THING AS TO HOW WE GOT HERE, YOU IDIOT!" Britain yelled at America, trying to punch him. But the latter was too far away and screaming in hysterics.
"Calm down, at least he was giving his side of the story for starters," Russia calmly stated.
"Hmm…Interesting, I guess." Huey answered to them.
"What happened next, whitey?" Riley asked.
"The politically correct term is Caucasian," Britain replied to him, "And continuing from America's fast food predicament, I was somewhere else showing off MY special power to a good pupil."
We cut to a flashback where Britain was standing at an occult circle in front of Fuyuki Hinata, who was eagerly waiting to learn what was going to happen.
"Now, lad, are you ready for a little demonstration of my magician techniques?"
"Ready, willing and able, good sir Britain!" Fuyuki answered, excitedly fondling with the Final Fantasy Black Mage hat that was on his head.
France was very close to Britain, getting a creepy expression on his face. "Your chance to get to know him better is right in front of you~."
"Back off, cheese-eating surrender monkey!" Britain snapped at him, then politely turning back to Fuyuki. "What kind of magic would you like me to show for you today?"
"I was thinking something that would blow my mind in a good way," Fuyuki replied to him, unaware of France being beside Britain.
"Good, then I've got just the thi—"
"Zhat hair antenna of his adds to his charm, don't you agree~?" France got closer to the shaggy-eyebrowed anthro.
"It's rude to interrupt, France!" Britain gave him his white-eyed glare, then turned back to Fuyuki with a smile.
"I pride myself in studying the greatest of magic, appeasing myself and others. And I've found a very good start…"
Fuyuki suddenly looked to who was at Britain's left. Russia somehow appeared, smiling gently, but giving out his aura of dread.
"Psst! Russia!" Britain motioned for him to leave. "Shoo!"
"Kolkolkol…" Russia backed up a bit.
"Sorry about him, he gets a bit lonely looking for more people to interact with," Britain sheepishly laughed talking back to Fuyuki. "Childish oaf he is…"
"Well, if you're not going to do it," France stated to him, walking over to Fuyuki with his rape-face on.
"Huh?" Fuyuki finally noticed France, then panicked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THIS GUY'S PLANNING TO MOLEST ME!" The 12-year-old boy ran off scared, leaving the other three in the dust.
"NOW look what you did, omniphile!" Britain snapped at France. "I hope you're proud of yourself. You've tried to get into someone's pants when bI/b was supposed to teach him something NOT sexual! Why, if I were in your shoes right now…!"
As Britain went on, his speaking got cut off.
"Ohon hon hon hon hon hon~."
The scene cut back to the five stuck in the Freeman boys' wall.
"Zhis is why you can never find a girlfriend, unlike moi~." France said to Britain.
"Man, ni**a, this story sucks!" Riley commented. "I wanna hear a REAL story with action! Where's the guns, violence and chair-throwin' riots?"
"Oh, if it's a story of pain you want, it's a story of pain you'll get~! Ufu~!" Russia cheerfully answered to the young "gangsta."
"I know where this is going…" China sighed.
"Little did we, the Allies, know, the Top Five Deadly Anime Minxes were plotting a plan so immense that nothing could stand in their way."
The scene cut to the said females, Neena Hargen, Rip Van Winkle, Airi, Melona and Echidna, who were in their hobble each holding a cup of potion. They looked to each other one more time before drinking them up.
"Slowly one by one, they drank their brewed up secret weapon of mass mayhem."
From there, a flash of light appeared from a distance, and after that, the five of them stepped out looking giga-powered, as if they took steroids!
Everyone in the neighborhood was screaming and running for their lives, cutting to the Allies standing there in between the mayhem.
"Everyone else's opinions suck!" America said randomly.
"Does everyone want to go to bed with me~?" France asked just as random.
"What's all this bloody fuss about?" Britain looked to the other people panicking.
"Mew," Stated China erratically.
Takashi Kamiyama and his friend Hayashida were about to run past them when Russia finally spoke up.
"What's the problem?"
"All we know is that it's a bad omen when females buff up!" Kamiyama said to him.
"You better get out of their way if you wanna live!" Hayashida added as they continued running off.
Just when the Allies were about to check out more, the five powered up females stood before them with menacing looks on their faces.
"Hello, boys," They all said in unison, very creepy-like.
"Your time has come, evil-doers!" America announced at them.
It was then that the five of them attacked, Neena charging at America and punching him everywhere.
Britain was running very fast away from Rip Van Winkle's musket bullet, then having its explosion push him off.
"HRR-YAH!" China tried to fight back at Echidna with his wok and spoon, but the latter deflected the former's every move, then taking him by the collar and shaking him violently.
"Can't we talk and work zhis out?" France asked Airi, who was physically cornering him. "You're creeping me out here…!"
The next thing he knew, he was being drained of his energy through Airi's osculating.
Russia, standing there calmly, asked Britain to come over to him.
"What is it?"
Russia turned to him smiling. "Would you mind organizing a circle?"
"Um…Sure." Britain replied, doing so in making an occult circle in the dirt with a stick.
Russia then stood in the center of it, leaving the five females baffled. From there, Russia's scarf ends suddenly rose up and morphed into a pair of demonic-looking wings.
Melona looked on in terror. "What the HECK?"
"Got you know, b*tches," Russia said creepily as his aura came out of him.
The five of them prepared to fight him, trying to ignore the intimidation. Then Russia took one step closer to them, scaring them even more. With every little step he took, they felt more fear.
"Now~…time to end this…Huh?"
Russia was suddenly cut short when he stepped out of the circle, then suddenly his scarf drooped down as limp as noodles.
"Oops. My inner demon wasn't fully charged."
The other Allies walked over to him in confusion.
"That was pointless!" America yelled at him.
POW!
With that, the Allies were Naru-punched out of the area and landed into the Freeman's house.
Cutting back to present time, Russia happily concluded.
"So now, stuck in your wall we are~."
"Gracious, Russia. What an enchanted world YOU live in." Britain said sarcastically.
"I couldn't bear zhat story any longer," France answered. Then he turned to the Freeman brothers. "Hey, so you guys want to get us out or what?"
The five of them then realized that Huey and Riley were already fast asleep.
America looked to Russia annoyed. "Nice going, Braginski! Your freakin' story made them hit the hay!"
Suddenly they heard noises coming from the opposite side of the room.
"Did you hear that?" China said uneasily.
"I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach," Britain commented.
"I don't have any feeling at all~," Russia added.
The Allies looked over to where the source of noise was, and there, an opening appeared revealing the five anti-hero/villainesses!
"Hiya, boys~!"
"What's good-looking girly-men like you doing in a place like this~?" Neena rhetorically asked them.
"IT'S A NEVER-ENDING STORY!" The Allies yelled.
The five females laughed seductively at them.
America turned to the Freeman brothers. "Guys, WAKE UP! Get the crowbar, NOW!"
But alas, Huey and Riley were heavy sleepers.
"Zzzzz…Homies over hoes…" Riley muttered.
Then the Allies turned back to the other side of the room, and their enemies weren't there.
"Where'd they go?" America asked in panic.
"I don't know, I was looking at Riley!" Britain answered.
"I feel like I'm becoming so numb, comrades!" Russia said.
Suddenly, the females' arms reached out from behind them and dragged them deeper inside the wall.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Nonononononononono!" Britain yelped.
"Come rest your head in my cleavage," Melona said to Russia.
"You're so feminine, China~…I could be straight for one day with you~." Echidna commented.
"ARU!"
And from there on, the Allies have lost their "gayness" and fell victim to the crazy fanservice. They were not heard from for about a week…
THE END