Chapter 1: The LSBR

Disclaimer: I do not own star wars.

So lets skip the nitty gritty, have you ever wondered what they do to defective clones? They either give them shit jobs or kill them. Sad but true, my name used to be POS489333, but ever since they declared me defective my name is just POS. Obviously I got a shit job as a battle armor tester. I don't know why they needed someone for that job because obviously our armor doesn't do shit. I am defective because I am blind in my right eye and that makes things pretty tough because Jango Fett was right handed and obviously I am a clone of his. Originally I was going to be a sniper but I got a hold of one and got scope eye so bad it destroyed my eyeball. Its a real shame too because I used to be the best sniper in my squad. Now I am stuck with the crap life of testing. I think the people who run the department aim for the balls on purpose. I mean I am a clone and walking into the locker room and your balls are swollen to twice the size as everyone else is a little weird. I used to get picked on and attacked a lot, it was the attack of the clones. (These are the stupidest puns) Well this is my story about how I went rogue, I became the rogue one. (Get it?) This is my story about how my life changed and I got hope, A new hope. (Oh yeah, you are going to be getting crap puns all story) Well it wasn't easy to get away from the empire, you kind of got hit them in there weak spot and make a run for it, trust me the empire doesn't like losing, the empire strikes back. (Hee hee) You know shoot a few Stormtroopers, steal a tie fighter the whole shabang. Well guess where I landed, Tatooine, where every other main character ends up in the whole fucking universe. I made my living first selling my body (yes I was a whore) for money. I often suffered from dehydration, and I saw a ghost, an evil ghost, he was a phantom menace. (kill me now) This ghost got me into a lot of trouble, but ultimately saved my life. He lead me to a place where there was food, water and shelter, a rebel base, but with my ties to the empire I was eventually run off. I managed to steal a weapon from them though, a sniper rifle called the LSBR, short for Light Speed Blaster Rifle. With no one to have my back and a really badass gun, I naturally became a bounty hunter, changed my name to Lawliet, and that's where we will start.

With the LSBR in one hand, and cigar in the other, I was looking like one badass motherfucker at the table. I drank Jack daniels Pirate space scotch. That's when my life changed. A robot sat at my table and looked me in the eye and said, "I'll hire you."

I played with my scotch a little, "alright, I never fucked a robot before but I haven't had sex in forever so..."

"Not that dumbass, I know that gun, the LSBR" I have an assassination for you.

I clenched my fist, "DAMNIT I THOUGHT I WAS GONA GET LAID"

"That can be arranged."

"Alright whats your name and whose the target."

"My name is IG-88, the target is Fonzo Albony, a rebel currently based on Yavin 4." Said IG-88

"Yavin 4 eh? That planet should be visible from here. If you got a picture of the target I may be able to do it right now." I said all cool like.

"How?" Said IG-88 handing me a picture.

I looked at the picture, this was one ugly motherfucker. "You are about to see some shit."

We walked outside the bar and I whipped out my big, long, sniper. I looked down the sights right at Yavin 4 and zoomed in enough where I could look down the off centered scope for my left eye, to see the faces of people on Yavin 4. It took about five minutes to find this ugly asshole but when I saw him I knew it was him, it looked like he was telling bad jokes and disappointing everyone around him. (I can relate)

I charged the shot, it got darker as it charged, and light up a purple light brighter than the sun. Shabang! You could see the laser travel all the way across the universe and a purple flash hung in the sky. The LSBR glowed purple and looking down my scope I saw Fonzo fall with his friends in confusion. I turned to IG-88, time to pay up.

"Ok I will go grab my sister." He said and walked away. He came back with his sister, a robot, a big fat fucking robot. This robot was so goddamn fat that when she turned around i thought I saw two forest moons of Endor because they were hairy too. One boob look like a deflated balloon puppy and the other looked like a brown bag full of poop and it smelled like it too. I tried to stay positive, I looked her in the eyes, she was cross eyed, I grabbed her waist, it was slimy. How the hell is a robot slimy? She had a ponytail, and it looked like there were pony dingleberries hanging off of it. She smiled. BUCKTEETH. Let me tell you something, I hit that, and it was the worst thing I had ever done. The worst part was when she asked, is that your penis or is that mine, it was neither, it was a sweaty polish sausage stuck under her boob. Thank god IG-88 stopped because my tongue was halfway up her ass and I almost went further. I could taste everything she had eaten for the last six months

All I have to say is, it was the worst the thing I have ever done.

"We're leaving IG-88" I said in a haste, and IG-88 and I got aboard my ship, the PIMP-1, and took off looking for bounties.