The Bear and the Demons
Author note: Recently I rewatched the Teletubbies sketch with the Lion and Bear on Youtube and for some reason the Bear's speech reminded me of the Doom comic. Since this idea got stuck in my brain I decided to write it and share this atrocity with the world.
It's The Bear! It's The Bear! And I'm coming!
Eh-Oh!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown fuzzy hair.
Berserker-packing one
And half bad bear.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown fuzzy hair.
I kill demons over here.
And I kill demons over there!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown fuzzy hair.
And I know a joke:
DYNAMITE!
The bear punches an imp and breaks it in half. The Teletubbies laugh.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown bloody hair.
Gotta handful of vertebrae
When I caught you unaware!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown bloody hair.
Is that an important door
I can see over there?
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown bloody hair.
I found a Cyberdemon.
It's time to rip and tear.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown bloody hair.
Here comes the night train.
Choo-choo … Hey that's not fair!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
That just got a scare.
Berserker pack is gone,
But it's no time to despair.
I am looking for a gun.
While the bear runs away looking for a gun for the first time it notices the Cyberdemon's growls and roars:
I am the scary demon
With a scary rocket arm!
I shoot rockets in the city
And I shoot rockets in the farm!
I am the scary demon
With a scary robot foot!
I'll kick you into a fire
And turn you to soot!
I am the scary demon
With scary huge guts!
If you think you can hurt me
You really must be nuts!
The Teletubbies giggle.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
Zombies with guns are over there.
I get a chainsaw.
To communicate with flair!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown bloody hair.
The chainsaw tells you
That your guns you should share!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown bloody hair.
Might makes light
As my gun becomes a flare.
Groovy.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown bloody hair.
That nice chain-gun
Is my new love affair.
I am the tiny imp
With tiny sharp claws!
Ripping and burning your back
Will now give you pause!
The Teletubbies scream.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With burned back hair.
You are very stupid.
Otherwise you wouldn't dare!
BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
The super bad bear.
You think you can get me?
I think you'll need health care!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown bloody hair.
I feel my temperature risin'
I'm the demons' nightmare.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown bloody hair.
A demon pushed me into a tank.
Radioactive waste! Beware!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With radioactive hair.
Who leaves waste tanks
In such disrepair?
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With radioactive hair.
Our children must not suffer
Just because we err.
Oh humanity!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With no bullets to share.
I'll take the teleporter
At the top of the stairs.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown wet hair.
I find a plasma rifle
And big-mouthed things midair.
The Teletubbies giggle.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown fuzzy hair.
I'm cooking with plasma
Demons crispy and medium rare.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown fuzzy hair.
I'm in a dark room with barrels
And spectres to spare.
I am the scary spectre
With scary sharp teeth!
I will rip you apart
And eat your myelin sheath!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown fuzzy hair.
I blow up all the barrels
And all the spectres over there!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown fuzzy hair.
I found the Big Gun
And demons everywhere.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With bloody bloody hair.
Plasma burns every monster
Like a murderous solar flare.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With bloody bloody hair.
LO! I have the grail of firepower
I hear angels singing and prayer.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With a just cause to share.
The strongest of wills.
And a gun without pair.
Yay!
I am the Cyberdemon
That will rip out your face
That will break your bones
And your species debase!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With brown fuzzy hair.
Let loose your volley of death, demon
And then cry and despair!
I am the Cyberdemon
And my rockets will cleanse
Your stupid soul from this world
And your relatives and friends!
VOOOOOOOMMMMPH!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With firepower to spare.
Eat the righteous fire
Of the gun without compare!
ZZZZSWWWWWWOOOOSH!
I am the Cyberdemon
And I never thought I'd meet
A lowly bear that could
A Cyberdemon defeat!
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
With firepower to spare.
The filthy beast is no more
I'll save Earth, I swear.
I'm the bear.
I'm the bear.
Beasts, demons! Beware!
I and the biggest, baddest gun
Will soon arrive in your lair!
Amen to that.