12-29-04: After reading some of the awesome entries into the Yaoi/Yuri Wedding Ficathon on LJ, I came up with this tasty little nugget of crap, and was egged on to make something out of it. It has nothing to do with the Ficathon because I'm not on LJ and missed all the deadlines, nor am I making fun of the Ficathon—although there weren't nearly enough yuri fics—because I respect the authors who participated more than this. Just having a little bit fun at the series' expense.

The couple is Relena/Noin. The entire situation and much of the dialog owes its existence to the genuis of Jared Hess and Nick Castle. As it is a parody, some OOC-ness and insult to the characters' integrity is bound to ensue.

It is a warm, summer day. The sky is a pristine blue, green grassy hills stretch out toward it in the background. Howard stands in the foreground in a suit the style of which went out in the one-seventies, with a bolo tie and slightly wrinkled shirt, and pointy sunglasses.

"A guy who worked on one of my ships some years back once gave me this advice," he begins in his scratchy voice. "When you have an argument, instead of fighting about it you should go and take a nice, long walk outside. Give your head time to cool down. Then, when you come back, there won't be an argument anymore, and you'll find all that fresh air and exercise does you some good." He smiles. A pause. "Is there anything else you want to ask about?"

We pull out, and see a small wedding ceremony, with about a dozen small rows of chairs and bundles of white flowers and an arch over Howard and the couple at the front. Everyone is silent in anticipation—except the lion from Cathrine's circus who lets out a giant yawn and tries to lick off his corsage.

"Okay, then," says Howard, turning to his left. "Do you, Relena Peacecraft-Darlian, take Lucrezia Noin as your lawfully-wedded wife—"

In the audience, Duo looks over at the seat next to him and notices it is empty. "Hey, Wufei," he hisses to the young man who sits on the other side of that, watching the proceedings. "Wufei!"

Finally hearing him, Wufei turns.

"Where's Heero?"

"—in sickness and in health, till death do you part?"

Clad in a white dress with a ridiculously voluminous skirt, Relena smiles and gazes across the podium. "I do."

"Do you, Lucrezia," Howard continues, "take Relena to be your lawfully-wedded wife, for better or worse, in sickness and health, till death do you part?"

Standing straight and serious in her 18th century-style suit, Noin says, "You know I do."

The two exchange coy glances, raising eyebrows at each other and cracking bashful grins, trying not to laugh.

"Then by the power vested in me," says Howard, "I now pronounce you, uh . . . woman and wife. Or mates for life. Or whatever . . . You guys can figure it out. You may kiss the bride."

The two share a pure, somewhat awkward kiss. The guests applaud, some of the male guests whistling their appreciation. Zechs, however, sitting in the front row, buries his face in his hands, somehow not wanting to see his little sister engaged in a knot-tying smooch with the woman he'd been living in sin with on Mars the past few years—which is an entirely different story.

The clapping dies down, and now we see that Noin has grabbed a microphone, and is tapping it to make sure it is on. Someone off to the side starts a recorded melody. A simple hip-hop loop that sounds like it has been recorded on an old Casio. Noin begins to sing:

"Why do you love me?
Why do you need me?
Always and forever . . .

"We met in a control room
Now our love can truly bloom
Sure I think your brother's great
But you, you make me sal-vi-vate . . ."

Some of the guests seem unsure what to make of this new development. Une looks around to see if anyone else notices how tacky it is, but seeing the looks on the others' faces decides to go with it. Now completely and utterly mortified, and maybe feeling just a little ill, Zechs holds his head between his legs.

"Yes, I love Zechs Merquise," Noin sings, looking at him.

Relena looks perplexed.

But Noin turns to her, prompting a smile: "But not as much as you, you see.

"But I still love Zechs Merquise," she continues, turning back to the guests, "always and forever.

"Our love is like a flock of doves
Flying up to heav'n above
Always and forever
Always and forever . . ."

She is about to launch into the next verse when suddenly there is a loud thump that reverberates from the hills. Ripples appear in the pitcher of water sitting on the table with each one. Thump . . . thump . . . Noin forgets the microphone and everyone turns their attention toward the sound, trying to see where it is coming from.

It starts off as a little bit of white poking up over one of the hills. Then it comes over the rise and presents itself in its full glory: a completely refurbished, sixteen-meter-tall white OZ-12SMS Taurus. Jogging toward them at full volume and speed—which is very difficult for a Wing mobile suit as it is, let alone on bumpy terrain. The Last Starfighter music inexplicably fills the air.

The guests start as the banned mobile suit heads straight for their little party, then stops at the last minute. It kneels down before the happy couple, and the cockpit hatch opens. Who should appear inside but Heero Yuy, dressed like someone from the cover of a romance novel with a billowy shirt and tight riding pants.

"Sorry I'm late," he says. "I just got done assembling a tricked-out honeymoon mobile suit for you guys."

The two women exchange bewildered glances, Relena looking as though she is close to tears. Duo and Wufei come over to join them.

"Hey, Dorothy," Heero calls, "can you take a picture of me in the Taurus real quick?"

"Sure," Dorothy says from her seat, and raises her gold camera.

Heero puts the back of his hand to his forehead and makes a dramatic pose. When the picture is taken, he hops down from the suit with a "Thanks," giving Wufei a high-five as he joins them.

Noin gives Relena a hand up onto the hatch, then climbs up herself. They situate themselves with some difficulty into the pilot's seat, most of which stems from the enormous mass of wedding dress. "May your life together be full of new and exciting experiences," Heero says monotonously, to which the two women exchange brief glances. "Not that anything can be more exciting than terraforming a CO2-rich planet that occupies such a unique place in mankind's imagination as Mars does and exploring the wicked geography of its surface in lesser than Earth gravity."

"Oh, I think we might be able to beat that," Relena says with a knowing grin.

"I guess I always knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with a Peacecraft," Noin says. "It just turned out that all this time I'd been chasing the wrong one."

In the background, Zechs weeps silently.

Noin fumbles to pull something out of the endless folds of Relena's skirt. "Lookie lookie," she says when she finally has it free, and twirls it around her finger. "A little keepsake for you guys."

She flings the lace garter out the mobile suit hatch in the men's direction. Wufei plucks it from the air without so much as a second look, leaving Heero and Duo to look vaguely disappointed beside him.

The two women in the cockpit wave as Noin fires up the Taurus' engines. The guests ooh and ahh and take last pictures before the newlyweds disappear behind the closing hatch door. "Better step aside," Heero says as he stands right where he is and gazes up at the beautiful piece of machinery. "This baby sure packs a punch."

"Vaya con Dios," Wufei adds all serious for no particular reason, saluting the mobile suit with the garter still in his hand.

The Vernier engines roar to life and the Taurus lifts off into the sky. When it reaches a certain altitude, it converts into jet mode in midair and shoots into the sky over the green hills with a loud whoosh, knocking over the arch over the altar and the tripods of flowers with its wake, and plastic chairs left un-weighted down by standing guests. "Wow!" Howard yells into the gust, putting a hand on Duo's shoulder. "I have no idea what's going on!"

"Just you wait," Dorothy yells over the roar—of the jet and the irate lion, "the whole world's gonna know about it! Preston, Idaho: the place where Noin and Relena left for the stars!"

"Nah, they'll be back for the reception dinner," Quatre says, leaning over beside her. "I hear they're serving a delicious bass."

Meanwhile, Heero watches his handiwork disappear over the horizon. He opens his mouth to deliver the final line—

"Lucky!" say a dejected Alex and Mueller at the same time.

Oh, well. Heero shrugs, and, making sure no one is watching, pulls the riding pants out of his crack.

The End