in this light
Let me photograph you in this light in case it is the last time
that we might be exactly like we were.
When We Were Young, Adele
It is 7am and I am very emotional about Adele and rizzles. So, this happened. Let me know what you think.
Jane is as wild as she remembers her to be.
The detective stands in front of her now, soaked to the bone, hair clinging to her cheeks. She says nothing.
"Come on," Maura says gently, taking her hand. "You need to get dry before you catch something."
She leaves a trail of water in her house, passing Maura her soaked clothes through a slightly open doorframe. Maura takes them slowly, letting them drip on the floor as she stands for too long, watching the way the steam from the shower begins to curl around the door. Jane says nothing. So she reaches out and closes the door.
There is silence in her house, as there always is. From the kitchen, she cannot hear the sound of the shower running. She wishes Jane would say something. Anything. It is still too raw – remembering the ways that she used to fill this place with her vibrant energy: singing in the shower, arguing with her mother, yelling at the television. It grates against her already sore heart. Something she would not have thought of before Jane. Before Jane, the heart had simply been an organ she knew a lot about.
But this heart – the heart inside of her that still swells simply looking at pictures of the two of them – is flummoxing to the point of insanity.
She sits on the couch after putting Jane's things in the washer, leaving her keys and wallet on the kitchen island. Turns the television on just for something muffled in the background. She had been planning on watching a documentary on the Chaga tribe. Well, that can easily fall second place to Jane – she has been watching an awful lot of documentaries lately, after all.
Jane emerges twenty minutes later. She's grabbed some of her old pyjamas from their – her – bedroom, and Maura feels unease leaking into her stomach as if she has forgotten to wrap bandages around herself in preparation of the oncoming storm.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Slowly, Jane approaches the couch. Allows Maura to take her hand.
"I don't know," Jane says hoarsely.
Maura tugs on her hand, and Jane comes easily. Folds herself until her forehead is pressed against Maura's shoulder and her legs are thrown across her lap. Maura's arms wrap around her, and they sit in silence for many heartbeats.
They used to sit like this when things got too dark inside Jane's head. Back when Maura still thought she could fix a leaking heart. She has missed it more than she is willing to admit. The soft mass of Jane against her. Her wild hair tickling her skin. The drift of her breath against her neck. This – this is the one thing that had been theirs.
"I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be."
"It's been seven months. Of course I need to be sorry for just turning up on your doorstep like this," Jane says, but if she had been further away, Maura thinks she might not have heard her. "Especially since I knew you would take me in no matter what."
Maura tucks her damp curls behind her ear, letting her thumb rest on Jane's cheek.
"Well… I suppose you're right about that."
Jane's eyelids droop as her breathing begins to slow. Maura takes the time to simply sit and admire the woman in her arms. She is like art, Jane – high, impossible cheekbones and deep, expressive eyes. She is most beautiful when she is sleeping. Drops her guard for a few hours of perfect rest. Maura dips her head and kisses her forehead.
"Would you like to sleep?"
Jane nods drowsily.
"Will you come with me?"
"Anywhere."
She fears she might have said too much. Is she still allowed to love Jane after all of this time? Or is it something that she is supposed to keep to herself? That seems like too impossible a task.
Jane follows behind her clumsily. She settles into her side of the bed as though the only time she had left it was the light hours of the day, and Maura pulls the curtains closed, until Jane is something still among the shadows.
"Maura?"
She seeks Jane's body in the darkness, slipping beneath the covers and finding those hands straight away.
"You know I never meant anything I said. Not really."
"I know."
She had known even while Jane was saying those awful things. After months and months of build up and side stepping the obvious, when she had finally let it all out. I lost my family because of you.
I don't even know if you were worth it.
Still, the words had brought the sting of tears to her eyes. In that moment, and for a long time after. She had had nothing to respond with. No hurtful things to hurl at Jane. She had tried her best, and Maura could not – and still doesn't – resent her for the choices that she has made. She just hates their outcome.
"I miss you."
Jane is somewhere close. She can see the outline of her as her eyes begin to adjust to the darkness.
"I miss you too."
Oh god, is it a fierce ache. A permanent fixture in her home that follows her around everywhere she goes. It is the only thing that exists in the emptiness Jane left behind.
"I, uh. I saw Ma today."
Maura holds her breath. "You did?"
"Yeah. She um… She stopped by the precinct. She asked after you. How you are. And I told her, well, I didn't know. Because we hadn't spoken in so long."
The transfer to another precinct had been easy once she had come to terms with the idea of never seeing Jane on a daily basis again. Her reputation surpassed her, and job offers had practically overflowed on her desk. She's content enough with her decision. She has learned that sometimes you must pick yourself up and leave too, otherwise the person you used to be might leave without you.
"She said she'd been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of praying. She joined a new church, too – one not so… intolerant."
"That's good," Maura tells her, and she feels Jane link their hands together.
"She kept asking me why I couldn't just make it easier on her and just choose a guy instead. Even now, when she's trying, I don't think she really understands just how I feel. I just had to get away from her – which is weird, considering how much I missed her."
"So you came here?"
"So I came here."
Maura smiles, and now, finally, she can see the shape of Jane's own smile, so close to hers.
"I'm glad you did."
Perhaps she ought to voice her own feelings on the subject. But Jane has always known how she felt – always known that she let her go so that she could be happy.
Her hands had been so empty, after Jane. Struggling to hold onto anything real. Their load had been lightening for such a long time. Angela had yelled, and cried, and left. Sunday family dinners stopped. Tommy's time was wrapped up in TJ. Frankie visited when he could, but was always tense, as if waiting for the subject of Angela to be brought up at any moment. In a blink, Maura had lost everyone Jane had brought into her life except for the woman herself. And then she had tried to hold onto Jane a little too tightly. She had been the first person to have stayed in her life for so long. But, like all things did, Jane had left too.
"For so long, all I could think about was Ma. And being with you it just – it just reminded me of why she cut me off. It made me ashamed of you. Of me. And so I said things I didn't mean. And then I left you."
Jane shifts, closer, until their thighs brush.
"The problem isn't me, Maura. It sure as Hell isn't you. It's her."
"She's your mother," Maura murmurs. "I understand why you needed time, Jane."
"You knew I'd come back?"
At that, Maura frowns. "You're back?"
Her voice is so small. Even she barely hears it.
"I don't know," Jane is quiet too. "I know I love you, though. I think I always will."
"And I you, Jane."
Jane moves, propping herself up on her elbows. The ends of her curls brush against the mattress and Maura wishes that there could be some source of light in this room, now. She thinks Jane might be crying, but maybe that's her instead.
"I don't know what to do, Maura. I want my Ma in my life. But I want you too."
Maura reaches up to curl her hand around the back of Jane's neck. Pulls her down until their lips meet and she can taste the salt of tears.
"Can I stay tonight? I just want to be close to you."
"Of course."
"Really?"
Maura pushes her until she's laying on her back, curling herself around her.
She takes a sharp breath. God, she has missed just this. Simplicity in being close.
"This is what I've missed the most," she whispers.
She feels Jane's fingers against her cheek, tucking her hair behind her ear. It has been so long since she has been this attentive towards Maura. It makes everything inside of her melt.
"Me too, Maura."
Maura lets her breathing slow but does not close her eyes.
She doesn't want this to end just yet.
The End