As I Lay Dreaming
He woke, his mind filled with peace, contentment, joy, a sense of belonging. Gradually changing to white-hot pain, empty, bereft, isolated.
Showering and dressing quickly, he entered the crowded corridor, the daywatch personnel hurrying to get to their stations before shift change.
Eyes slithered to him, then rapidly looked away, downcast, unable to meet his gaze, feeling somehow if they ignored it, hid from the surreal reality, refused to acknowledge it, it would be as if it never happened.
They thought he was destroyed, blasted, broken. But they were wrong.
Contrary to popular belief, it was the time he spent among them that was the most difficult. Most thought it was the hours he spent alone in his quarters, sleeping, perhaps dreaming, which caused him the most agony.
But he enjoyed the solitude, much as others thought he didn't. Sleeping was his only true solace, dreams his salvation, for he never saw Spock's death in his dreams.
Riding the empty lift to the bridge (others had turned away, making excuses, waiting for the next car, trying to afford him the privacy they thought he so desperately needed), he realized the nightmares didn't come while he was asleep.
In his dreams Spock was alive, at his side, dressed in blue, raising an eyebrow, trading a knowing glance, engaging in a bit of 'illogical' banter, helping him relax over a game of chess, favoring him with that almost-smile reserved for him alone. It was as if Genesis, if Gol, had never happened, and all between them was as it used to be, as it should be.
He never relived that terrible moment in the reactor room in his dreams.
The real nightmare began the instant he opened his eyes in the morning and discovered he was truly alone…
Inspired by this song:
Hello by Evanescence
Playground school bell rings again,
Rain clouds come to play, again,
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I am your mind, giving you someone to talk to,
Hello
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello, I am the lie living for you so you can hide,
Don't cry
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here, all that's left of yesterday…
(I see K&S in so many of their songs; I think I need some serious help…) ;-)