Swimming in the Rain
A/N:
TW: Self Harm. It's only a minor mention but it's there. This is my first fic so play nice. Any constructive criticism would be massively appreciated.
"Do you remember that night I came to your house?"
Emily sat up from where she'd been lying, snuggled to Paige's chest, and glanced at the other girl quizzically. Paige's eyes were fixed on her own hands, as she picked at her fingertips. Emily waited for her to continue but Paige didn't seem to realise she'd said anything at all. Apart from the slight sound of rain coming in through the window, Paige's bedroom was eerily quiet and Emily jumped when she finally spoke again.
"When you first came back to the team? After I tried to… that day in the pool." Paige sounded distant, like she was living that day all over again in her mind. "There was a storm. I stood in the rain outside your house for almost an hour, just working up the courage to text you."
Emily was surprised; Paige had never said much about that night. Emily never wanted to push her to talk about things that could be painful for her. She'd forgiven her a million times over; there was no need to dredge up the past as far as Emily was concerned.
She took Paige's hands and grasped them tightly, if only to stop the girl from hurting herself. She dropped her head to try and force the other girl to look at her but Paige just turned away.
Now Emily was really worried.
"You mean the night you had that accident and crashed your bike?"
"It wasn't an accident." Paige's voice was barely a whisper.
"What wasn't?"
Paige seemed to realise what she was saying and pulled herself away from Emily until she was as far away as she could be without falling off of the bed entirely. She picked up one of the stuffed animals sitting next to her and hugged it to herself.
"You know it's not very mature of you to bring so many cuddly toys with you every time you stay over." Paige let out a watery smile, obviously trying to change the subject. "You're lucky I have a soft spot for dorks."
Emily refused to let Paige drop the conversation, shifting across the bed until she was perched directly in front of the other girl. Emily took her face in her hands and frantically tried to make eye contact.
"Look at me. Please. What wasn't an accident?"
Paige started to squirm; trying to look everywhere other than Emily's pleading eyes. A lone tear ran down her cheek and Emily felt herself begin to panic.
"The crash? Someone tried to hurt you!?" The noise of Emily's frantic voice reverberated off the walls and Paige winced. She shook her head slowly, gauging Emily's reaction. "No… You mean you threw yourself off you bike on purpose? I don't understand. Why would you…?" Emily felt overwhelmed by confusion and felt tears begin to pool in her eyes.
"No Em, don't cry. Please. I shouldn't have brought it up. Let's just forget I said anything okay."
Emily tried to wipe the tears from her cheeks, embarrassed by her apparent lack of control over her emotions.
"It's nothing, I swear. Let's go do something fun."
Not looking convinced, Emily sighed, pulling Paige forward to plant a kiss on her forehead.
"Okay… let's go swimming."
Looking relieved, Paige laughed as Emily pulled her up off the bed.
"You know it's raining right?"
"…and? It's all water."
"It'll be cold."
"I'll keep you warm." Emily locked eyes with Paige. "I promise."
Paige could feel the sincerity in Emily's words and knew it was a promise for always. Emily would protect her. For the first time in a long time, those words made her feel safe. As Emily took Paige by the hand and lead her out of the room, she heard a quiet voice behind her. "Thank you." Emily just smiled and squeezed Paige's hand tighter as they walked together through the darkness of the house.
…
"Um… Em I'm not sure this is such a great idea. Maybe we should just go back inside and watch movies. We could have hot chocolate and blankets… and be dry." Paige had her arms wrapped around herself as she tried her best to stay dry under the eves of her house. "Come on, it's freezing out here."
"It's beautiful, what are you talking about?" Emily twirled around, completely drenched from the relentless downpour. Paige let out a giggle as she watched her girlfriend. Emily stuck out her tongue to try and taste the rain, only to give up moments later to shift her attention back toward Paige. "Come dance with me."
Emily ran over to Paige, laughing as she grabbed her by the hand pulling her into the rain. Paige stumbled over the wet grass and landed ungracefully in the other girl's arms. Emily only laughed, wiping the damp hair away from Paige's face. "I got you."
The two fell into an easy rhythm as Emily wrapped her arms around Paige and they began to sway to the sounds of the rain surrounding them. As Paige relaxed into Emily's embrace, she couldn't stop her mind from straying back to that night so long ago. The way she'd acted and the thoughts she'd had. It was almost like it'd been a different person, a different life.
"You have every reason to hate me. I don't even know why I'm here"
"I don't hate you"
"I would, I do."
"Don't say that."
"I'm sorry Emily…"
Paige could feel fresh tears falling even as the storm continued to soak them both. Raising her head to the sky, she let the rain beat down on her, letting it clear her mind. "Come on, I'll race you." With that Paige took off towards the pool, stripping off her shirt and pants as she went. Emily stood alone on the grass for a moment, just watching Paige as she dived into the pool, an adoring smile on her face. "You coming?"
…
After exhausting themselves racing against each other, Paige winning nearly every time, the two girls floated lazily in the shallow end of the water.
"You're lucky your pool is heated, otherwise we probably would have frozen to death by now."
"You do remember the part where this was your idea, right? I was perfectly happy indoors where it isn't raining."
"Don't act like you're not enjoying it." Emily playfully splashed water in Paige's direction. "Oh, you're going down Fields." Paige dived down and pulled Emily's legs out from under her, causing her to take in a mouthful of water. Spluttering, Emily returned to the surface with a pout on her face. "That was mean."
Paige was trying hard not to laugh. "Aw I'm sorry Em, here let me kiss it better." Paige waded over to Emily and took her in her arms. "You don't look very sorry." Paige just laughed lightly, slowly moving in and capturing Emily's lips with her own. Emily put up no resistance, threading her fingers into Paige's hair and pulling her closer. Paige smiled into the kiss; she knew Emily could never stay mad at her.
They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity to Paige. She was struck once again by how safe she felt in that moment. Soaking wet, in the middle of a storm, kissing her girlfriend, Paige had a moment of clarity. She loved Emily, and Emily loved her. They hadn't told each other yet but she could feel it. She'd never been surer about anything in her life.
When Paige pulled back from the kiss, a slightly surprised expression on her face, Emily was confused.
"What's wrong?"
"N… nothing. Everything is perfect."
Emily looked amused. "Really? What happened to 'It's cold, it's rainy...'"
"I'm offended you think I sound like that." Paige shook her head, giggling at her girlfriend's imitation. "But seriously, none of that stuff matters. Being here with you, like this, it's perfect. You're perfect. I think… I mean I want…" Paige let out a frustrated sigh at her inability to get the right words out. Emily reached up and brushed her thumb over Paige's lips before settling her hand in the girl's hair.
"It's okay. Take your time, I'm not going anywhere."
Paige took a deep breath to steady herself, focusing on the feeling of Emily's fingers drawing circles on the back of her neck.
"I want to tell you, about all of it. I just don't really know how…"
"I'll help you." Taking Paige by the hands, Emily led her out of the water. "But let's go get dry first."
…
Paige was sitting on the edge of her bed, in a pair of her favourite plaid pyjamas, attempting to dry her hair with a towel. So far she'd just managed to make it stick up in odd directions, her hairbrush in the bathroom where Emily was changing. She was busy trying to flatten it down to a respectable level of mess when Emily walked back into the room.
"How do I look?"
She was wearing a pair of shorts and an oversized shirt that Paige had lent her, now that her own clothes were soaked. The shirt was too big and the shorts were a ridiculous shade of lavender but Paige didn't think she'd seen anything more beautiful in her life.
"Breathtaking."
Emily giggled, completely missing the honesty in her girlfriend's tone.
"You like me wearing your clothes, huh?" Emily danced over to Paige faux-seductively, wiggling her hips as she went. Paige couldn't help but blush and turn away as Emily stopped to do a slow twirl right in front of her. Emily laughed at the other girl's modesty. Bending down slightly so that she was at eye level, Emily placed a lingering kiss on Paige's lips. "Don't worry, I like wearing them."
Paige chuckled at Emily's antics. "Come 'ere you." She took Emily's hand and dragged her onto the bed with her. Once they were settled cross-legged in the middle of the bed, Paige took her blanket and wrapped it around their shoulders. A silence fell over the couple as Emily waited patiently for Paige to speak. When it didn't look like she would, Emily took a hold of Paige's hands and began to rub her thumb back and forth across them reassuringly.
"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it, I'll be here whenever you're ready. But just know that there is nothing you could tell me that would make me love you any less."
Paige stared at Emily, unsure if she even realised what she'd just said. Emily loved her. She'd known already obviously but it was something else entirely to hear it from the girl's lips.
"No, I want to talk about it. I trust you. You have to promise not to freak out though, okay? It's better now. You've made it better."
Emily's stomach was knotted with worry and confusion. She had no idea what Paige was talking about but she knew it must be really serious for Paige to be so scared to tell her. Despite that, she just smiled at the other girl, urging her to continue. Paige stared down at Emily's hands in her own; squeezing them tight, as she shakily began to talk.
"That night… when I came to your house, I came to say goodbye. I don't really know how to explain it so that it makes sense. Maybe that's because it doesn't. I don't know. But for a long time I really didn't like myself... There were people who bullied me and teased me and it got to the point where I thought they were right. I deserved all of it."
Paige could feel her eyes burning with tears and she was struggling to talk through the lump in her throat.
"I… I started to hurt myself, and then it didn't matter what anyone else could do to me. I got pretty good at hiding it and only… no one ever found out." Paige stopped herself from saying Allison's name. She wasn't ready for that conversation.
It was Emily's turn to blink tears away from her eyes. She was determined to be strong for Paige.
"Do you… I mean are you still…?"
"Cutting?"
Emily flinched, feeling a physical reaction to the word, like a punch to the gut. She thought she might be sick waiting for an answer.
"No, Em. I haven't since before you and I were ever together. I promise you. I'm not telling you this so you'll worry; I just need you to understand that I didn't think I was worth much. So when you came back to the team and I treated you so awfully, I hated myself for it."
Emily opened her mouth to protest, to try and tell Paige that she forgave her, but Paige cut her off.
"I hurt you Emily. You may have forgiven me but I'll never forgive myself. That's just something I will have to live with… but at the time I didn't think I could.
Emily realised what Paige was trying to say but she didn't want to believe it.
"I wrote my parents a letter, got on my bike, and came to see you. I just needed to tell you I was sorry."
Both girls were crying now, neither able to stop themselves.
"When I left your house, I was heading for the woods. I don't think I knew exactly what I was going to do, but it didn't matter because half way there I lost control of my bike. It all happened so slowly, like in the movies… and somewhere between leaving my bike and hitting the ground I realised I didn't want it to end like that."
Paige stopped, looking up for the first time since she had started talking. She was shocked to see Emily hunched over, shoulders shaking, as she sobbed into her hands. Paige had figured Emily might be mad at her or scared or disgusted… but nothing like this. She hesitantly reached out to take Emily's hands back into her own. Emily looked up, pain etched all over her face.
"I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
"What? No, Em you have nothing to be sorry for."
"I should have been more understanding. You were hurting so bad and I just left you to deal with it by yourself. Oh God, I am so sorry."
Paige grabbed Emily's face in her hands, forcing her to look at her.
"Stop! None of that was your fault. You were nothing short of amazing to me, even though I didn't deserve it. You are the reason I'm still here. Your bravery and honesty and compassion were what got me up off that road. I realised I wanted to fight, because of you. Fight for you… and hey, look at me now, I've got you."
Paige smiled warmly, in awe of her girlfriend's capacity for caring. Emily sniffled but let out a small smile in return.
"Yeah, you've definitely got me… and I promise to look after you from now on. You'll never have to feel like that again."
"How about we promise to look after each other? You obviously need me, I mean look at you, you're a mess."
Emily frowned but Paige just laughed lightly. She pulled the other girl into a hug, drawing the blanket around them both. Emily's arms tightened around Paige and she pressed her face into the girl's hair. Paige could feel the last of Emily's tears on her neck and reached up to run her fingers through her hair gently.
"I'm never letting you go, you know."
"You better not."
As the two clung to each other, Paige suddenly felt warmth bathe her face. She looked up, blinking, to see sunlight breaking its way through the clouds. Glancing around, her room seemed entirely different from how it had only moments ago. The room was brighter, her heart was lighter.
"Hey Em, look, it stopped raining."
She pulled back far enough to see Emily's face and then pulled her in for a kiss. As their lips met, both girls felt the tension in the room melt away. All the fear and sadness no longer mattered, as long as they had each other. They finally pulled away from each other and Emily grinned, a playful glint in her eye.
"Ready for round two in the pool? I was letting you win before 'cause I wanted to make you feel better."
Before Paige had a chance to respond, Emily had managed to extricate herself from the tangle of arms and blanket, and was halfway to the door. Paige sat, stunned, for several seconds before jumping off the bed and racing out the door after her laughing girlfriend.